If you say so

I couldn’t find a reason to stay among the living, so I searched for it among the dead.

Today I visited a cemetery. For multiple reasons.
– I wanted to (as stated above) look for a reason to stay.
– I wanted to say I’m sorry to them, for being ungrateful with my life while (probably) most of them didn’t want to die.
– I was looking for a safe place. A place where it’s actually okay to cry.

I think it did me well to go. I saw a lot of touching things, made me cry, cry for them, the people around them. The hurt they must have been feeling or maybe still are feeling.

I sat there on a bench and did some stuff that was hard for me to do, but it felt easier there.

Though it brought me a lot. On my way home, my muscles still were burning in pain. This rock was still smothering my lungs. I still felt this agonizing pain inside. I could barely walk normal. Or even hold my tears.

I’m pretty sure I’ll go back, I just don’t know when yet.

It’s not as bad as it seems, it only hurts when I breathe

I guess I’m lucky I’ve had a few weeks of stability because it might be saving my ass right now. It might have built up my rational part a little, or given some strength to the rational/adult voice inside of me.
Because honestly, I feel like shit and suicidal. I’ve been crying all day. Yesterday was a big depressed day as well.

I know there is a huge possibility it’s all just hormones.

But it doesn’t make it better right now.

Rationality is telling me I have enough to live for, but emotionally I’m beyond done. I actually had ‘the talks’ again with my mother.

“Me; I want to die.. please let me die. I want to go”

Things that are ‘supposed’ to bring me joy, don’t. They barely even bring a smile on my face, which feels like a fake one.

Tomorrow will be a very hard day at therapy and I can’t help but think ‘fuck it all’.

And above all this, I feel so damn alone. Really like no one cares. I know people are seeing me doing well, and trusting me doing well on my own. But no one really asks me how I’m really doing.
Wednesday morning messed me up so bad. Therapy doesn’t even know. A few people on twitter approach me and genuinely ask me how I am, because I have been so quiet, and it actually breaks my heart, because THEY notice, how come the people around me don’t?

For the first time, in so long, I have the feeling my security blanket will not be enough when I go out. I feel like I have to carry around my ‘special sharp cutter’ just in case I need it. (Just like I used to)

 
What happened to me?

Cause and effect

Hi,

I see where they get the ‘stress’ from post traumatic STRESS disorder 😉
It’s very simple, without blaming anyone, because I really don’t neither him nor myself, it’s a simple cause and effect.

Cause; feeling unsafe (trigger). Losing control in my save place (police entered my house). Triggers to a past situation which was very intense, a situation that still troubles me to this day, even though it was 6 years ago (involved a crisis intervention and people coming to my house without me knowing, and trying to take me away (only thing is, they succeeded)).

Effect; I don’t feel save anymore. I am very alert.

People ask me how I’m doing? I’m ok. I truly am. Am I suicidal? No, honestly , I’m not. Am I depressed? Nope, I’m no depressed either.

I am busy.

With what?

Busy with watching everything around me. My house isn’t my save place anymore. I am scared in my own livingroom. I have to be alert 24/7. I don’t have time to focus or even to take a minute and think about how I am feeling. NO, no time left. Got to stay alert.

Of course the word ‘okay’ as in ‘being okay’  can be discussed, but I am not suicidal nor depressed. Nor do I feel the need to act harmful to myself. I am 100% focussed on my environment.

Is this the best situation? No, probably not. But right now, the best way to get through my sunday.

xoxo
Brianna

No police for me please

Hi,

I think it’s save to say I haven’t been in the best place lately.
I was talking to my friend Saturday morning about how I was feeling. To me, it was nothing new. Nothing weird, I didn’t say anything different. Or suspicious. Nothing I might not have said the day before for instance. Of course, I talked to him about how miserable I was feeling, and how I didn’t really see how it could get any better, and to be frank; how I wanted to die.
But to be honest? I said that to him Friday aswell.

Suddenly he didn’t answer anymore. Although I could see he had been online since then (Whatsapp). Well ok, I figured he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I was a little hurt but I can understand it can be a burden to talk about heavy stuff like that. So I just let it go.

50 minutes later the doorbell rang.. I opened and TADAA, the police.

‘Somebody phoned us, saying they were worried about you’

Well just to paint a picture. My heart as racing, I was beyond scared. Brenda SCREAMED terror in my head ‘ABRAHAM!!’, I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t even talk to the police. I just politely gave them my hand as a ‘Hi my name is……’ except, I couldn’t even say that. They asked me if they were allowed to come in. I couldn’t answer, all I could do was shake, and tears escaped from my eyes. I could notice one of them looking around and the other one focussing on my face (and my arm which is full of scars + a few fresh cuts). I was standing there in my pyjama’s, which means a tank top, and a short boxer pants. They were two huge men in uniform. Right in front of me. Very intimidating.

‘Can we go further?’
Brianna was still shaking and crying.
‘We’ll just go to the living room?’
Brianna was still shaking and looked at the living room.

I can’t even describe it. I know I texted my mum; Police is here. Get here now. < That I could do! Wow.
They started to ask me all kinds of questions. A part of me was still being smart, although Brenda was screaming, I knew… they’d put me in a cell if they take me.

One of the cops was real hard and not nice at all, he was very intimidating and scary to be honest. The other one was friendly actually, but unfortunately he didn’t say much. He did try to squeeze a sentence in when the other one was being so harsh and made me cry bad.

It all turned out ok.
My mum came, they left. I was ‘ok enough to not be taken away. I was not a danger to myself and/or others’.

But then I collapsed. I started crying like crazy. Shaking like crazy. I actually cried to my mum straight in her face saying ‘I need Abraham, mummy’.
I was sitting on the couch, she put a blanket over me and got me glass of water and my crisis medication.

Now, the day after…. I slept good thanks to the medication.
My house does not feel save. It’s like the police men are still sitting on the couch. Watching my every move. I don’t know what else to say except; my house isn’t save anymore right now.

xoxo
Brianna

I seem like a pretty normal girl, on the outside

This blog post is very TRIGGERING due to talk about suicide and self harm

Hi,

People often think it’s weird that I have some issue’s because I seem like such a normal girl. It’s weird that I get angry a lot because I seem so sweet etc.
Looks can be deceiving.

Here’s an accurate example.

Facts Me talking to you in the present

I was in the taxi on my way to therapy. I have been writing about how hard it’s been and just me fighting through the holiday’s, holding on to this date (january second) because it’s the date I can go back to therapy and just see the girls and just be myself again. Vent. Talk. Have some real life support. So I was pretty excited about today. Kind of a ‘TGITD’ feeling (Thank God Its Therapy Day)
So I was in the taxi, and this company that drives me always manages to get me there either really early (like 30/45 minutes) or too late. Well, today was VERY important to me, so I didn’t want to be late. Btw, the drive is about 20 minutes, 25 tops. The taxi got here on time, which means he got 45 minutes to drop me of there. Well, we picked up other people on the way (which happens sometimes, they combine the rides, its cheaper for the company 😉 ) so I got stressed. Damn. I’m gonna be late! I asked the driver ‘Am I gonna be on time? I have to be there at 9.30 am’ he said to me ‘I am not sure’ I started to panick inside. Though my outside was still calm and cool, kinda poker face like, my inside started boiling. I opened my whatsapp and started talking (typing) to my mum.

Of course, we picked up another person  (besides the person we already picked up, so there was me, + another lady and NOW another male was coming in) and it was 9.15 and then I knew… I Wasn’t gonna make it.

It just exploded in me. What the hell, exploded. Why? I freaked out. I held on for SO damn long. Fought through these damn ‘holiday’s’ and for WHAT? just so that I’ll miss the only thing I’ve been looking forward too? Fuck you. I want to die. Wtf? Don’t be silly, you’re just late. I want to kill myself RIGHT NOW. I don’t care that I’m in the cab, and there are 3 other people around me, I want to slit my wrist or put a bullet through my brains RIGHT NOW.

Yeah…. I see it’s stupid. RIGHT NOW. But at that moment (back then) I can’t. At that moment, I am panicking. I don’t see how it can get better. I don’t see how I will get better. I only see 1 way out and that way is suicide. I am scared to death. Unfortunately I know, if I had something with me in my purse, like a razor, I would’ve cut myself, while I was sitting next to the driver. All the normal things go out the window, the only thing that matters is that I have to die, no matter what. I have to be gone, I have to escape.

I seem like a pretty normal girl, on the outside.

2013 in a blog post

Might contain TRIGGERS

Hi,

So, 2013 in a blog post, this is gonna be nice one 😛

Well.. 2013 has been one heck of a year. Well I guess I say that every time, and every year it seems to surprise me what a chaotic life I have, which is weird, because it never has been different yet it keeps surprising me as if I expect different.
Anyway, it started real scary. I just moved to my own place. For the first time, living on my own. It was hard, finally a place of my own, now what? I started falling down hard, after a suicide attempt in february I didn’t really knew what to do with my life and just crawled back into my own fantasy world, which I used to do when I lived at home. I must have spent a few months there.. it was ok. After a while, I was ready to try back out again, and I started making contact with people. Mostly guys, let’s be honest xD. Went through the whole mick-mack with the heart-drama. Somewhere around May (?) I met Abraham, which I never saw coming and he gave me something I never thought I’d ever get, or I ever even wished or dreamed of, because I didn’t even know of its existence. Somewhere around July I started talking to Sander again I think, and Randy came… and went 😛 man oh man, xD what a guy drama.

Mentally… what a rollercoaster. February was a big down for me. While Abraham was in my life I had a huge down (stopped with 2 medication type’s (Anti psychotic and anti depressant) which made all my emotions come back up, down i went, and well, a lot of downs since then. I guess only 1 really big one. So maybe just 3 this year.
But it feels like I’ve wandered around the edge of life numerous times, being tempted to jump and just forget the world. In february I tried, second time, Abraham pulled me away. Third time.. I pulled myself away.. wow.. I just realized that now.

2013 was the year I broke contact with my dad. The year I told my mum, straight to her face, why I have CPTSD. My mum told my sister behind my back (Which was a little disappointing, but ok)
I celebrated Christmas with my best friend.
I met Justy on  Wordpress.
I started my blog here. Felt less alone by reading other people’s blog and their journey’s through life with their struggle’s.
The year I dated like crazy. But to be honest, the year I dates like crazy, but which made me realize, maybe I’m not ugly… because some guys I dated were.. well.. they’re were just plain hot 😛 so it did give me a little boost 😉
I got of to a great start with Polly, I trust her and I know how to be open with her and discuss things with her.
I learned a lot about (c)PTSD and myself and everything that comes with.

I’ve been down on the floor, crying like crazy, screaming my lungs out, but in the end I did get up.
I had stood on my balcony ready to jump off, ready to leave this world, but yet here I am writing this! ok.. this is freaking me out, I could’ve been dead by now.. Damn, glad I’m not actually. Otherwise I never would’ve known about Christmas with Bestie.. and how happy I have felt sometimes. So happy that I felt it was too much, happy-ness overdose.

Anyway, 2013, you have been a………. weird, amazing, depressing, loving, interesting year. Thank you.

xoxo
Brianna

Last therapy day of 2013!

Hi,

So this was my last therapy day for 2013.

I guess it was good.

We had a lot of fun with the girls a lot of laughing but I noticed or I think I noticed a lot of tension from everyone just because of the holidays, I did talk to Betty for a short while, we talked about christmas and new years.. I told about my plans and stuff, cried about me being alone at new years 😛 . But somehow it felt ok… I did leave the room because it felt like too much, but in the end it felt ok. It feels okay to not be okay with being alone at new years.

I feel a little bit more positive. (And a little torn about the word ‘little’ in the sentence, because at some point a lot, because I don’t have any suicidal thoughts, but I don’t feel really much better as in, the dark cloud is still hanging above my head… but thankful for the absence of suicidal thoughts! 🙂 nobody needs those!)
I’ll just try to live this ‘holiday’ day by day.

I do realize I am very tense. Very sensitive to other people’s reaction. Like a friend of mine (who has absolutely NO understanding for mental health) made a comment about therapy today and it just went wrong (well it always does, but this time, my reaction was different.. he actually said sorry for his comment! :O ) and just worrying about the people who I’m talking to that they’re upset with me because they’re using an emoticon less or more… you know, little things. Just tense.
Anyway, going to live it day by day. Luckily it’s no long holiday!!
January 2nd I’ll have to be there again, and I will be, gladly 😉 .

See my girls again 😀

They’re really growing on me 🙂
And that’s weird, because we don’t always agree, by far sometimes, but that doesn’t matter, because I’m ok with not agreeing with someone as long as we accept each others as we are, and we do that! So I still think they’re great 😀 they just have their own (different) opinion and that’s ok 🙂

Wish real life was that simple.. 🙂

xoxo
Brianna

Cruel?

WARNING! This post contains TRIGGERS! 

 

Am I being cruel if I say I wish I died during the abuse?
That I wish I died before my mum got divorced and moved out of the house with me?
Am I ruining the chance others didn’t get?
Am I being ungrateful for the opportunity others clearly did not get?
Am I being unthankful by chosing or wishing death? While I have the option?

I just wish it because while I was being abused I never saw a future without to be honest, or maybe I did.. I don’t really know. It’s all really blurry in my head. I do know I wanted to do porn and stuff, but part of me must have hoped this would be over sometime? Or maybe not? Because otherwise I wouldn’t have tried to commit suicide when I was 13.

I wish I died before I was 16 because I didn’t know anything else but abuse. Of course I saw it in movies and stuff, but it was faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away and this was always very accurate;

At some point the safest place was my bedroom, however, the bedroom was IN that home! How stupid is that?!

Right now I’m seeing all these opportunity’s. These people have gone from my life and new doors have opened and yet I still cannot get past it. I’m still stuck. Almost as if nothing has changed (in my head).

Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain

I feel cruel for thinking.. this, let alone writing this. Disgusting and a disgrace.

But a part of me is just thinking ‘its not about comparison.. it’s just about me wanting to be dead and I just link it to the abuse that happened to ME and that is still wandering in my mind of which I just think might as well have killed me in the first place because I feel it will in the end anyways’.

Gross, what a depressive post.

Gonna go eat something and just go to bed early. Tomorrow will be the last therapy day for 2013… yikes!

xoxo
Brianna

Memories; Am I allowed to die now?

TRIGGER warning! About death/suicide and just depressing stuff

Hi,

This is a big trip down memory lane, well… not big as in far behind, must have been like 5 or 6 months ago? I am really bad at time though.

Who remembers this from the movie ‘The Notebook’?
(If you haven’t seen the movie, you might want to stop reading, because I’ll be spoiling it! It’s really a must see! Very beautifully romantic 🙂 )

So the movie is about these 2 love birds, and in the end of the movie, (the woman is sick) and she dies in bed, while holding her partner’s hand and him lying next to her. If I remember correctly, he dies shortly after her as well. (Of a broken heart? I don’t remember him being sick though) Anyway, they both died in this position (as the photo above)

Uhm.. so for now, let’s delete the romantic part 😉

“Am I allowed to die now?”
Was a big question in my mind about 5 or 6 months ago.
I knew the procedure (to request euthanasia), I had everything planned out.

Of course dying is scary, but I’ve been fighting for an ok live for over 20 years and I was done. I really believed that I had given it enough time and everything. I was just done.
*cough* Abraham… was in the picture then as well. He didn’t like me wanting to request euthanasia. It all went pretty ugly, I did feel a little manipulated in my choice (by therapy, not Abraham) and in the end I didn’t formally request. But I was so sure of them accepting my request, you can’t deny the fight I have delivered. The pain I caused and keep on causing my mother/sister/bestie(/+ Abraham at that time) by living. I have fought, been in therapy for 8 or 9 years, nobody seems to know what to do, or how to help me. How could they say no? How could they deny me a death with dignity, and force me to hang myself, slit my wrists or jump in front of a train (which in the end, all of the things will have a chance of traumatizing the person finding me/hitting me).

But I had it planned out.
I did describe how I felt save with Abraham somewhere in my blog.
Yes I was scared of death, of course, of what might come, but I thought nothing could be worse than my life and the pain I’m causing others. And then I thought.. I’m gonna ask Abraham to be with me, I’d want him close enough so he’ll be able to hold me, and then.. I wont be afraid of anything anymore. I know it’ll be okay (death ofcourse..)
You’re here, there is nothing I fear
I was SO sure of that. I never asked him, because I wanted to wait, to make sure everything was ok and then maybe make sure he was ok with it, to be with me at that moment. But I was planning on asking him. I thought and knew it would be the most peaceful death I could ever wish for.

I stumbled on that picture yesterday, and suddenly this all popped in to my head again. Made me a little sad.

I am not in the right place now to answer the question ‘Are you glad you’re still alive?’
Rationally I’d say; yes of course! Found new hope.
Emotionally I’d say; No, I’m not glad and I regret missing that opportunity.

But since I know (rationally 😉 ) that there were times since that I’ve been flying high since then, and that it’s not clever to make a drastic choice (answer) like that when you’re emotional. I’d say, ignore what I’m saying emotionally, and listen to what I’m saying rationally.

xoxo
Brianna

(This is my 98’s post by the way! It’s all going so quick!)

What if..

What if I’m just being a brat?
What if there’s nothing wrong with me?
What if I don’t have ptsd but am just being niminiy-piminy or hoity-toity? (ok I just laughed for a solid minute about those words)
What if I’m just spoiled?
What if I’m just lazy?
What if this is all in my head?
What if everyone else is right.. therapy won’t work if there’s nothing wrong?
What if I’m just spoiled and I want my own way?

I don’t know anymore. Why doesn’t this work? Why am I alone? Why am I not in school? Why don’t I have a job? Why does everything rely on so many people?
Why do I collapse with even the tiniest bit of pressure? Why do I break down every day in tears?

WHAT IF I’M JUST LAzY?

Why won’t stuff work? Why am I not going the normal path people go?

I canceled the meeting tomorrow. I was crying and suicidal about the whole thing, when I decided not to go, I felt a little bit better, like 1 problem was solved. But then again.. what will others think of me? That stupid girl who just cancels because she gets stressed of a train ride of 4 hours. Stupid thing.

I am so weird, I can be in tears and crying and yet when I found those weird words (I wrote above) I just started laughing hysterically
Does that mean that either of those 2 emotions are fake? Maybe the tears were fake? But how can something so heavy be fake? And I really laughed, never heard of those words before!

I don’t understand myself, I wish there was a psychologist, who knew my ins and out, and could exactly tell me ‘this is wrong & this is what we need to do’. Why does it not work like that? Nobody seems to really know me… I don’t even know me! I’m so different, everywhere. Even at home I am different (When I’m alone) there’s no real me. Never was… I was a tomboy, who liked barbies. I was a pervert who acted like a prude. I am loud but I am shy. I am hyper and yet so calm. I love and yet I reject. I scream and yet I whisper. I look but I don’t see. I feel but I don’t understand. I live but I sense death.

What the fuck is wrong with me, don’t fit in with anybody, how did this happen to me? 

When I was younger, I imagined my life so much more different.
I thought I’d be at the university studying law by now. With a lot of friends, a boyfriend, my own place + pets. I never thought I’d be in therapy, I never thought I needed medication, I never thought I’d still have suicidal thoughts.
(Just a side note, I really am not planning to do something about those thoughts. I guess my rational part does realize it’s not the option. But the thoughts keep coming back)

Eu estou tentando não preciso de você, mas ele está me destruindo

 

xoxo
Brianna