I didn’t sign up for this!

Hi,

It’s almost  6 am. I am sitting on the couch typing this, and I am actually ready to go to therapy. However, I am still tired.
First of all, I didn’t go for the legal advice yesterday, I figured I’m just too tired.

But.. the reason why I’m writing, I had a nightmare. (Which isn’t weird when you suffer from ptsd but..) I am going back and forth between ‘adult’ thinking ‘ah well.. sucks..’ (< to be continued though) and child thinking ‘what the hell? what about this medication I’m taking against nightmares? I want to ring the psychiatrist right now!’

This child part of me is really upset and indignant.
It wasn’t just any nightmare to be honest. It was a nightmare like I had when I was little. The same characters (a witch, a leopard, a spider).  Now that I’m awake I don’t recall knowing the people, but in my dream I knew the people who I was with. But they just didn’t care about me.
Now this might be triggering. The point is, the same thing happened. The witch chased me away (in my childhood dream she chased me away from my house) from this weird big-ass home. Which made me flee, I decided to jump into the water, which magically made me invisible for the which, but unfortunately, as usual, there was the leopard (the witch ALWAYS chased me away, INTO the arms of the leopard?!) and he was petrified underwater, but I just knew, if I looked at him too long, he’d wake up (the leopard always did abusive stuff to me and I knew this in my dream). So I kept on swimming, I felt like I was drowning, no air, still terrified. And I did this weird thing with my legs to wake my body up.

And then I woke up thinking ‘what the hell just happened?’
Although the environment in the dream was totally different every symbol in it, was exactly the same as my childhood nightmares.

So, back to the ‘adult’ thinking, although I’m doubting if I can even call it adult thinking. How am I ever gonna sleep again right?
My head is like; how about never?
But right now I’m already dog tired. So I got a plan.
Tonight! I will take my crisis medication it will knock me out into a dreamless sleep.
Thursday a friend will come over and stay the night (hurray for me, because he will be my security blanket for the night)

However! Thursday the psychiatrist is mine. No seriously, I’m calling him. And I want to up the dose of my topomax. I am scared to death of nightmares.

xoxo
Brianna

Foggy mind

Hi,

I am going to try to write how the confusion in my head takes place.
I don’t know if this is due to the dissociation/triggers/flashbacks or just stupidity (well, I know it’s not that, but I just thought it’d be funny to say that).

I know a day is just a day, with 24 hours in it.

But honestly, I don’t know if I ever make the 24 hours. My body is there, here, in the present, here on the couch in 2014. But my mind/spirit/head (whatever you want to call it), floats off, leaving my body, staring into the distance, and my mind leaves me, I can not follow where it’s going, it leaves into forgetfulness. Sometimes I wish it would just stay there, because whenever it comes back (which it always does), it comes back hurt. Broken, full of pain, triggered. I find myself depressed, sometimes I start to cry, sometimes flashbacks start coming, sometimes self loathe washes over me, sometimes triggers come out of nowhere (things I that just can’t, like the smell of my father, I just had it 30 minutes ago (had to pause writing this actually), he’s not here, and hasn’t been here). I don’t know where my mind has been.

Sometimes a day, which technically has 24 hours, feels like 2 day’s. Sometimes when my mind comes back, I remember.. or actually notice I have to go to the toilet very urgent. Or I am very hungry. Sometimes my muscles are painful. Most of the times I am exhausted.

I do try to stay in the present by doing things. I really do! My mind is something I can not seem to grab or hold on to, it comes and goes and slips through anything. It takes back terrible things I do not want to remember. It leaves me here sitting on the couch like a dead casket. Lately, when my mind comes back, I realize, I’m freezing cold.

My tummy aches, body memories I guess. Brenda screams, or just cries silently with her security blanket covered over her mouth.

But I do try to stay in the present, by for instance reading stuff, but even reading can be hard. Just reading a simple sentence, just reading the words, and have my head define the words into meaningful things that are understandable. Sometimes I find myself reading 1 simple sentence over and over again. I can try to make a conversation with people, but as you can see (especially face to face this is terrible!) it is very hard. In real life, I am often too ashamed to keep asking ‘what?’

I’ve been in this state since friday. Since that trigger. I’ve been having triggers all over the place. My mind has been floating in and out. I haven’t even showered in 2 weeks (nasty right? I am so terrified to even go into the bathroom).

Ah, just daily life. Staying in the present is hard enough. Trying to live is hard enough. Trying to meet my body’s ‘needs’ (eat/drink/toilet) is hard enough.

xoxo
Brianna

Night problems

Hi,

So It’s 4.15 am now and I’m wide awake. Well.. it’s not like I’m not tired because I really am. But my body is restless and I feel scared (not really for anything particular, just this scared feeling)
Being taunted a bit by the shadow people.

I know I’m whining about loneliness all the damn time, but this time it came up in my mind again. But I honestly don’t think it’d be easier if someone was with me.
Like either I’d get irritated for the fact that I can’t sleep and the other person is asleep (it’s not that I don’t want them to, it’s I want to sleep too). Probably the other person would want me to wake them, and I’d feel bad. Or the other person wouldn’t sleep because I can’t and I’d feel bad for getting them sleep deprived. So yeah, being alone at night is the best thing now.

But how do I get through the horrible nights? Besides, I only have to get up early 2 times a week!!! Which already knocks me down. My alarm goes off at 07.00 am and I’ll probably be home around 4 pm.
I do take naps during the day, but never longer than 2 hours! Like that’s my max. and I am glad for that because I get a little bit more rest, like just enough to keep me going or something like that?

I know I can get psychotic symptoms when I am sleep deprived, but just because of the lack of sleep. But that’s really scary. So I really want to avoid that. Especially since there is no one around really. So I do try to get a little rest during the day (which usually works good for me, I sleep fast and good the only thing that might bother me is I wake up really sweaty) which will help me cope through the night of 2/3/4 hours.
When I don’t have therapy (and don’t have to wake up early) I do sleep around 3/4/5 am, but I sleep a little longer, so I won’t sleep during the day.

But still.. these night things keep going on. It’s scary and tiring.
Everything in me wants to sleep, but then there’s like 30% that really really wants to sleep, and then there’s 70% that wants to sleep but is too scared to. So I’ll end up being awake.
It’s annoying because there is nothing in particular that I’m scared of, so I get kinda irritated by it, there is no danger so just go sleep ffs.

It’s 04.24 right now. Maybe if I am asleep by 05.00 I’ll get 2 hours! Let’s hope so.
I also always have this conflict in my mind about pulling an all-nighter and just hang on till 10 pm (I know I wont be able though).
Because waking up after 2 petite hours is soooooo rough.

Anyway, hope for a sleep within 30 minutes.

xoxo
Brianna

 

Tomorrow I have to be at the principals office

Hi,

So I know I jus wrote a blog post just a minute ago. But I didn’t want to ruin that with this negativity. Because I am truly happy and thankful for the invitations I got <33

Today I had a little argument with Sander, he did make me laugh with something he knows I think is hilarious, and told me that I didn’t need to feel hurt, because he didn’t want to hurt me. Cutiepie 🙂

So yeah, tomorrow. I have to be at the principals office a.k.a Betty. I am terrified. I feel so powerless. Like there is nothing I can do. It all comes down to her. And even if not, I’d be hoping for Brandon and H. & B. & S.  to have my back, but I’m just afraid they don’t. That they think I’m annoying and don’t even like me. They’d be glad to get rid of me.

A part of me tells me that’s ridiculous. I’d be the 3rd one who wants another ‘principal’, so who’d want to switch from Betty to H. But… I know H. is really full right now, a lot of individual clients.
Plus the feeling that H. doesn’t like me.

I feel like I’m fighting a war. Here there is only me, and over there are like 100000 people, who I have to win from. Like; what’s the point? I feel like staying at home tomorrow, lying in bed all day and just waiting for my body to vanish from the world. I know I did have a friend, who’d fight for me like no one has ever done. Who’d stand up for me and just go with me to the talk with Betty and tell her what it’s all about. I feel so small.. But that friend isn’t here and it isn’t an option to stay at home tomorrow.

So I’ll go, probably have diarrhea because I’m so nervous.

Feeling small can go into different directions with me, or I’ll just cry and hide, or I’ll go all lima-heights on her ass. Lol, I’ll just curse at her. Pick at her ‘flaws’ (which aren’t even flaws (shouldn’t be at least), but because she hurts me I want to hurt her, so I’ll just say something of which I think might hurt her… I’m a bitch huh?)
I don’t even know which direction is worse right now. Feeling small and crying and hiding, makes me desperate (and hate myself for not standing up for myself). And being a bitch makes me proud for shutting her up, but hate myself for being a bitch and (possibly) hurt her.
Whenever you try to hurt me, I will hurt you even worse and so much deeper (Celine Dion – It’s all coming back to me now) I always recognized myself in that sentence, because that’s how I feel and act normally. I’m not happy with it though, but it feels like getting even.. but then I feel bad for hurting the other person

It’s like I know I’m standing all alone tomorrow, no back up. Just my phone to call my mum or bestie (but I know when I do that, I’ll be crying and stuff so they won’t be able to hear me, so maybe I’ll just text them instead) and let all the stuff out.

The future is never clear, but most of the times you have a plan, like for me it is staying untill may at this place, and after that I dont know yet. For other people it might be finishing college for 2 years.. or continuing my job. But right now, nothing is clear, nothing is certain for me. That is pretty normal I guess, because everything can happen, things can turn out the other way. But the insecurity I feel makes me so desperate.
Well, whatever happens, Polly will still be here (for now), so that’s a positive thing. Tuesday and Thursday = Polly. So that’ll remain.

I am so scared.
Going to try to find some distraction right now. Maybe some chatting again, or a movie.. 🙂

My mum’s cat is gone now btw! I’m gonna miss him. We did have some fun. 🙂

Now It’s me  + baby girl and boy again.

xoxo
Brianna

I wanna believe you

When you tell me that it will be okay, yeah I try to believe you… but I dont.

Hello,

Just got back from therapy. Again a cry day.
Well the day went ok, did dissociate in my talk with Brandon, but I was able to tell him, so he got me some water (which i didn’t drink) and talked about silly stuff. After 30 minutes I was able to stand up again. (feel so stupid when that happens 😦 ) and we ended the talk.The other girls were ready aswell so we just started eating lunch.

After that we had a sort of resilience training. But it focusses a lot on your body of course, so Brenda was already very screamy and stuff so I decided to sit on the bench and watch the others. Which was ok.
Then we closed the day with a sort of talk together (we do that every week) with a nurse and I told her I was very scared for the weekend. Because I always seem to slip down. And then I remembered… tomorrow the gynecologist. So I freaked out, bursted in to tears (IN THE GROUP-_-) and couldn’t stop. So I went to Brandon again. We made a plan, i’m gonna call him at 11 am (the appointment is at 11.30) and then we’ll talk again after. We made notes of what I can say (and am able to say), it’s too difficult for me to use some words that literally describe the abuse (especially in Dutch) so I’ll use the word abuse if she asks, but not the dutch word. I just can’t get that out of my mouth.

Paragraph might be triggering!
I am so afraid, I’m sorry, but I am. I know she is a sweet person. Last time I was there (without the narcosis) she was noticing I was in a lot of pain (well I was crying and stuff) and she stopped saying ‘youre in too much pain, I don’t feel good about pushing further’ so she decided to do it with the narcosis the next time. Now I’m still having problems with the stupid IUD well, my stupid uterus. And Brandon told me it would be good for me if I can ask her to look for any ‘damages’ because of the abuse. I’m really going to die if she finds something. I’m sorry for being such a drama queen. But anyway, to find something she’ll have to open up the whole thing. With that stupid thing she uses to open up the whole fucking thing and omg, I freak out by only thinking of it. I think I’m gonna take my security blanket. My mum will be in the waiting room, but I don’t want her in. I do feel its her fault im there in the first place :$ She could help me talk about what happened.. but I don’t know.. I feel too ashamed. Too gross.
I am not crying right now, but I can feel myself holding back the tears. I’m sorry but Brenda is kinda on the background, but she IS crying and it’s weird but i feel her fear and upset-ness.

I’m going to lie in bed for now. I just dont know what else to do. Gonna eat something just to take away the fear. Focus on the damn chips or something. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I’m sorry this is anything but positive, but I’m so scared now. I’m going to read back my last post about how CPTSD feels for me and especially read the positive things and then just go nap for a while with a movie or something like that.

xoxo
Brianna

Am I a lost cause?

Simple Plan – Me against the world

“They want to watch me fall. 
I am a nightmare, a disaster.. that’s what they always say.
I am a lost cause, not a hero, but I’ll make it on my own.

You can sit there and judge me,
Say what you want to,
I’ll never let you win.

Me against the world.”

Disturbed – Down with the sickness

“Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant, I kneel
It’s seems whats left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me

There’s no turning back now. You’ve woken up the demon in me.

Open up your hate and let it flow into me.

Madness is the gift that has been given to me.”

Adam Lambert – Whataya want from me?

“But now… here we are.. so what do you want from me? 

Just DONT give up! I am working it out.
Please don’t give in. I wont let you down.
It messed me up. Need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around. 

Baby you are beautiful, and there is nothing wrong with you
It’s me.. I am a freak. But thanks for loving me, cause you are doing it perfectly.

I think you could save my life.

Dont give up… I am working it out (give me the time) please don’t give in.
It messed me up.. I need a second to breathe.

What do you want from me?”

Within Temptation – All I need

“Why don’t I ever learn? 
I’ve lost all my trust though I surely tried to turn it around..
Can you still see the heart of me? 
All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace.

Dont tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe

I’m here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I’m only one step away from turning around.

Make it fade away, don’t break me down..
I want to believe that this is for real, save me from my fear
Dont tear me down…
For all I need

MAKE MY HEART A BETTER PLACE!”

It has been about 18 hours since I took the medication and I’m more clear again. Found myself listening to these four songs.

Brandon told me once about something called the ‘drama triangle’, I just literally translated it to English. Dont know if it’s called the same in English. It’s about (as far as I know) when after (as I guess) a childhood trauma you are in this triangle. Victim – Accuser – Helper.
Victim acts like a victim (after the trauma of course) and just waits to be rescued.
Accuser accuses every one else. Blames everyone except himself. (It’s simple explained, but I do mean abused people can become abusers and stuff like that. People who had traumatising childhoods who murder people as an adult. But that’s of course an extreme side)
Helper is someone who only focuses on other people and never looks at himself and just focuses on (for instance) helping the victim, picking up the victim, taking care of the victim, shushing things between victim and accuser etc.)

The ‘best’ position to be in (according to Brandon, and this is how I interpreted it) is to stand in the middle of the triangle. Within your own strength. Your own helper. Yes a victim, but realizing that you can do something about it NOW. Don’t blame others for what your actions are right now. And looking at yourself critically enough, knowing your boundaries, putting yourself first and not (for instance) focussing on a victim’s needs when you’ll have to cross your own boundaries to give them the needs.

As far as I know it’s a triangle in which people (more people) are in. At therapy they say my mum, sister and me are functioning in that traingle. Have been all our lives. Which makes it hard to step out of it on your own, when the other two people are still acting on the rules of the triangle.

Brandon made a joke once, about that my mum, sister and me have a club (which is the Drama Triangle) and to enter (my sisters fiancee for instance) you must accept the rules of the Triangle and also act like that. He said my mum was the chairwoman of the Drama Triangle-club of ours. :’)
I started laughing but actually it’s not funny at all…
I do feel demanding, I have therapy 2 days a week. But who can correct me the other 5 days? I wish there was someone who could see when I was acting wrong and just like make me aware of it, but without needing to be around me all the time.

Is the situation hopeless? Am I a lost cause? What if I’m very emotional (angry or sad or whatever) and am not able to think clearly, who will be there to kick my ass and point it out before I do something stupid?

I’ll be honest; my anger scares me. (Not that I want to kill someone, don’t get me wrong. I only know that I can become angry within 5 seconds (especially when I’m not drugged with heavy anti psychotics), and I’m afraid I wont be able to control myself. I have had blind-rage issue’s when I was younger)
My heart doesn’t feel like a good place.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. found the Drama triangle on google. Just to paint a picture;

I’m starting to trip & losing my grip

Hello,

I don’t really know what to say. Well I do, but I don’t know how to start.

I am feeling really down. Not sure why exactly, I guess a mix of everything. I am kind of back at the place where I’m like ‘I need more help’. Feel like I’m standing on my own. Which I am, and that’s not bad. But I don’t feel strong enough. I’m sorry but I really want someone on my side, someone who’ll support me. Tell me if I’m doing ok or not, and if not what I can do to make things better. I need to have the option to contact somebody, who I can ALWAYS call, and to be honest, I would love if that person could come to me and maybe stay with me for a while.
That’s not possible, I have to do it on my own. But how can I do it on my own when I don’t know if I’m doing it right? If I’m doing it wrong, I feel like I have to start all over again.

There’s something else. I’m afraid Betty will have to kick my ass again, I’m really stuck. I don’t want to come to terms with my past. I really don’t. I don’t like it, so I want another one. Why should I accept that something changed me/my personality/behaviour, while I was born into that? How am I supposed to get out of that situation when I couldn’t even hold my own head? (Thinking like a baby now, baby’s can’t hold their own head right after they’re born right?) So I am being punished, for not walking away. For never opening my mouth, well I did and tried (later on), but nobody listened. So how the hell does it make sense, that I have to make all the changes here? How crooked is that? Well the crooked-ness level is ridiculous high.
It’s not fair! (I can hear Betty’s voice; Life isn’t fair)
Well then f&ck life!!!
*pissed*
………………….

…………………
Ok, I think I’m acting like child again. I’m sorry… I just don’t want to acknowledge my past. Its going to hurt so much.. I can’t handle that. The way I see it. Just to paint a picture. My past is a river.. I have to swim in it to get to the other side, to recover. Right now I’m standing at the left side.. ( LEFT  |___| RIGHT) and the right side is recovery. Right now, I’m dabbing my toe in the water, and its so hot/cold that it terrifies me and I take my toe back out. I’m like nagging to Betty/basically everybody that it’s too cold/hot to go swim in it. I want someone to swim in front of me or next to me. (I want.. I want.. I want.. damn, I am spoiled!) But to me, Betty is on the right side, shouting at me, to go swim. Or I don’t know, maybe she’s running back and forth trying to push me into the water, then running to the right side and encouraging me to swim, or at least put my foot in.
So yeah, every time after she ‘kicks my butt’, I do feel strong enough to go swim, so I’m walking up to the river, dab my toe, and then I get terrified, and start acting like this again.

I’m scared. I really am. I’m scared of doing it alone. I’m scared of the pain. I’m scared of the memories. But I DO want to get better. I want to get to the right side of the river. I want to overcome this. I don’t want to be a victim.. but a survivor. But I just don’t want to swim…

Its 2.30 AM here. I’m not sleepy at all. But I’m going to try to sleep anyway. Maybe I’m going to call the nurse tomorrow. There’s this phone number people can call when its past 5 pm on weekdays and all day in the weekend. It’s for emergency’s.. but maybe this isn’t one. Well it kinda is, I can feel myself slipping down to not giving a shit and wanting to die. Or isn’t it? I get to see Betty on monday, so maybe I’ll just have to wait.

I guess I’ll just see how I’m feeling tomorrow. Might be feeling a lot better anyways.

xoxo
Brianna

Ps. WordPress is putting a mirror in front of me right now! I always let this spellingcheck check my post, and I realized how many cant’s and dont’s there are…… how negative am I? Of course I wont get anywhere with so much negativity. Jeez, way to go Brianna well… at least I do see that now. So maybe just focus on what I can do.. ? I dont even know, I’m tired now. But I have to remember the numerous don’t and can’t in this blog. Not good Brianna, oh there it is again; ‘not’. Haha this is neverending! Its crazy! Lol, I’m gonna stop now. WordPress made its point 😉