Memories; Am I allowed to die now?

TRIGGER warning! About death/suicide and just depressing stuff

Hi,

This is a big trip down memory lane, well… not big as in far behind, must have been like 5 or 6 months ago? I am really bad at time though.

NOTEBOOK
Who remembers this from the movie ‘The Notebook’?
(If you haven’t seen the movie, you might want to stop reading, because I’ll be spoiling it! It’s really a must see! Very beautifully romantic πŸ™‚ )

So the movie is about these 2 love birds, and in the end of the movie, (the woman is sick) and she dies in bed, while holding her partner’s hand and him lying next to her. If I remember correctly, he dies shortly after her as well. (Of a broken heart? I don’t remember him being sick though) Anyway, they both died in this position (as the photo above)

Uhm.. so for now, let’s delete the romantic part πŸ˜‰

“Am I allowed to die now?”
Was a big question in my mind about 5 or 6 months ago.
I knew the procedure (to request euthanasia), I had everything planned out.

Of course dying is scary, but I’ve been fighting for an ok live for over 20 years and I was done. I really believed that I had given it enough time and everything. I was just done.
*cough* Abraham… was in the picture then as well. He didn’t like me wanting to request euthanasia. It all went pretty ugly, I did feel a little manipulated in my choice (by therapy, not Abraham) and in the end I didn’t formally request. But I was so sure of them accepting my request, you can’t deny the fight I have delivered. The pain I caused and keep on causing my mother/sister/bestie(/+ Abraham at that time) by living. I have fought, been in therapy for 8 or 9 years, nobody seems to know what to do, or how to help me. How could they say no? How could they deny me a death with dignity, and force me to hang myself, slit my wrists or jump in front of a train (which in the end, all of the things will have a chance of traumatizing the person finding me/hitting me).

But I had it planned out.
I did describe how I felt save with Abraham somewhere in my blog.
Yes I was scared of death, of course, of what might come, but I thought nothing could be worse than my life and the pain I’m causing others. And then I thought.. I’m gonna ask Abraham to be with me, I’d want him close enough so he’ll be able to hold me, and then.. I wont be afraid of anything anymore. I know it’ll be okay (death ofcourse..)
You’re here, there is nothing I fear
I was SO sure of that. I never asked him, because I wanted to wait, to make sure everything was ok and then maybe make sure he was ok with it, to be with me at that moment. But I was planning on asking him. I thought and knew it would be the most peaceful death I could ever wish for.

I stumbled on that picture yesterday, and suddenly this all popped in to my head again. Made me a little sad.

I am not in the right place now to answer the question ‘Are you glad you’re still alive?’
Rationally I’d say; yes of course! Found new hope.
Emotionally I’d say; No, I’m not glad and I regret missing that opportunity.

But since I know (rationally πŸ˜‰ ) that there were times since that I’ve been flying high since then, and that it’s not clever to make a drastic choice (answer) like that when you’re emotional. I’d say, ignore what I’m saying emotionally, and listen to what I’m saying rationally.

xoxo
Brianna

(This is my 98’s post by the way! It’s all going so quick!)

Fantasy & Reality / Empathy / Attachment

Hi!

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking again, well.. most of the time I do that.

But it’s a mix of memories and present things about the stuff in the title.

I know I have a very big fantasy. I know I can have the ability to withdraw myself from the world, lock myself up in my room (or house right now, since I live alone) and forget I’m Brianna. Pretend I’m someone else, someone who has friends, people who love and support me. I did this A LOT when I was younger. I could spend all days in that fantasy world. I’d get annoyed for people coming into my room and interrupting my fantasy. I do know it’s not reality, but it can feel like it. I realize it’s not there, but I wish it was.
I do know when I got more friends and for instance being with people I really like makes me come out of that fantasy, because then I do know, the real world is more fun than the fantasy world. But of course shit happens in the real world. And yeah it does in the fantasy world as well, but there are friends and family who help me through it.

For instance, when someone hurts me in the real world, I could withdraw myself to the fantasy world, and get comforted there. So the pain isn’t that bad anymore.

I can live in my fantasy world for days, weeks, months & be okay with it.

Empathy and attachment, I do think I can have a lot of empathy. Maybe even too much. I guess things everyone can relate to are crying while watching movies. Movie’s can seriously cause a depression-like-feeling to me. I can be ‘depressed’ for weeks because of a movie. Last year I got into a crisis because of a movie (but that was mainly because it was so similar to a traumatic situation of mine) it taunted me for months. But also with books.. I realize it sounds very nerdy but I think a book can be a big cause for me to get depressed, slip into a depression. It doesn’t matter how big the book is, or how many pages it has. It can be 100 pages and I’ll be in tears, because maybe when (for instance) the person in the book gets hurt by someone, I feel the same hurt and offense. I can get immense sad because a book is ending. I don’t want it to, keep me in your world. Don’t throw me out.

When I was younger (about 13 years old I guess?) I read a big line of books from Robin Hobb, about a boy named Fitz, there were like 6 books, with a lot of pages, it was wonderful. But I got so depressed over the book. The boy Fitz, got left alone a lot, and then he met a stranger, and he’d hang out with that person for maybe 10 pages, and after the 10 pages the stranger left and I (!!!!) felt abandoned. :’) It’s crazy. I kept looking forward in the book, and I’d be like ‘ok, after only 300 pages we’ll get to see Billy again’ and after a few hours ‘Yay! Only 253 pages left!!! I can’t wait’ and I’d just drag myself along with the big loneliness of the guy, Fitz.

I can talk to someone for like 30 minutes, or maybe just even smile at someone and get attached to them. Or maybe it isn’t even real attachment. But anyway, I like them and imagine about them being in my life and just having a good friendship with them. It’s like I’m sΓ³ desperate for some contact, some interaction.
On the other side, I can ditch people very easily as well. For instance my old psychologist, I was with her for 3 years, and she was my everything during those 3 years. Saw every different part of me. One time I got this quick appointment at 9 am. But I was a danger to myself and I had to wait for everything to conform all sorts of files to put me on a section. I must have sat at her table till 3 or 4 pm. I don’t remember much because I was dissociating a lot, but she had to cancel all her appointments for that day. Anyway, I was close with her, she meant a lot to me. And when it became clear she couldn’t help me and was going to transfer me to another place, I like cut the connection between us. First I was real sad and didn’t even know how to move on without her and suddenly it was like there was a switch in my head and I didn’t feel a thing about not seeing her anymore. I even avoided her, got annoyed at her for contacting me for a ‘proper goodbye’. I was all like ‘I dont need a goodbye, you’re already out of my system’, I did say goodbye to her in the end though and that felt good!

I had the same thing with my past 2 relationships. At some point in the end I knew it wasn’t working and we had to break up. I cried for days and suddenly I didn’t cry at all and was totally ok with it. When the actual break up came, I was actually happy/relieved.

And then there are people who I can not let go. I keep thinking about them, keep wishing they were here, keep getting hurt for being without them.

So… it’s a little tricky. I feel like a freak for saying this. But it is something I’m not happy with. I wish it was all a little more balanced. But I guess it’s the balance I can’t seem to find… in anything.

xoxo
Brianna

How do you comfort someone?

Hello!

I’ve been wondering about this for a long time now. Well, long is exaggerated, but it has been going through my mind. Especially since I’ve been on WordPress, I’ve read so much things of which I wanted to comfort someone, or at least try to help them or show them I care. But how do you do that???

I know you can give someone a hug. When I was younger, I had 4 little neighbors, well little, I mean they were just young. About two of maybe 2 and two of four/five. I used to ‘play’ with them a lot. Mostly it was just me watching them while they were playing but it was nice. We’d spend whole summers outside. Of course sometimes they fell down and cried, the older ones were pretty tough and were okay. How ever there was 1 little one, who cried very fast. So when he fell down, I’d pick him up and hug him, rub his back, tell him he’s okay now, but bring him to his mum. Then I’d wait in the front yard for him to come out again, and he’d be all happy again. What the hell did she do πŸ˜› ?
One time he fell and I guess he cried because he fell, so I brought him to his mum and when he got out he was happy. But then I saw a bit of blood on his knee, so I wanted to clean it off, but apparently he didn’t know there was blood. So when he saw there was blood, he started crying again πŸ˜› so I brought him to his mum and then he came out all happy again. Haha kinda cute.

Since I’ve been taught in English (partially) I know when someone is hurting its ‘normal’ to say Β ‘I’m sorry’ so, that’s what I do. Because I AM sorry that you are hurting or that it happened, but when you tell a Dutch person that, in Dutch. They are like ‘why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything?’ Then I don’t know what to tell them anymore. It doesn’t help to explain why I’m saying sorry, because they say its ridiculous. Well, I see their point, but I know mine as well. So I don’t know anything else but showing them that I care. For instance when something really touches me, I start crying. Or usually I just give a hug. With my sister for instance, I just hug her and say I’m sorry (she understands why I say that). With others I just give a hug. But how do you say what you want to say. Because when I’m on the phone with my sister, I can say I’m sorry, but hearing her cry so bad, hurts me so much and the ‘i’m sorry’ isn’t enough for me. I want to hug her.
I don’t seem to have the words to say to them.

Often online or over the text I say things with this ‘*’, like I’m doing that. For instance;*hug* (means you’re giving them a hug. So when someone feels bad about something, I talk in actions). It’s like I don’t know the words.

The gesture’s I do think I know. Hugs, an arm around the shoulder, a hand on the arm, a hand on the knee. But there’s just nothing coming out of my mouth!!

I don’t think it has anything to do with cheering up, because I don’t feel the emotion should go away. Just that the person needs to feel my support for them. Especially when they’re not near me, I want to tell them I’m here for them. But how do you do that?

It’s like I know the actions, I just don’t know the words.
I know how to put my face, so that someone understands what I’m feeling. I know how to put my face in neutral, so it’s harder to know what I’m feeling. i know how to look happy when I get a present, but I don’t know what to say when I get one except ‘thanks’. Which I really mean!!! But it doesn’t meet the big feeling of thank-ness in me. So I feel SO thankful and ‘thank you’ does not conform HOW thankful I am.

I literally don’t know what to say! *pulls hair out of head* (see, that’s what I mean, I’m frustrated, and now I know the word frustrated is connected to that behaviour because they taught me that in therapy when I was 16 :$ *ashamed*. Which I am so thankful for btw! I never knew there were so many different emotions and levels. disappointed for instance, I never knew how to express that! But they taught me that, and that it’s ok to be disappointed when you were excited about something that’s canceled (for instance)) Also seeing the other kids do it (express feelings) and see that the nurses aren’t getting angry with them for it.

Can I get an internet course on how to express emotions please? (Like the stupid need to go sit on the floor with an angry face till someone picks me up. I now know..well I don’t.. what the hell does that mean? I’m getting frustrated right now, because I don’t know how to tell someone what I’m feeling without showing the action)

 

Anyway, that’s whats on my mind right now. How do you comfort someone?
I don’t know πŸ˜› !

xoxo
Brianna

Memories; Love of my life

The biggest love of my life; my grandma ❀ 

Hi everyone,

I want to share some beautiful memories I have of my grandma. Just a note; she is alive, but lives in another country but isn’t doing that well.
I know when she dies, I probably wont be able to get to her for the funeral, because there they have a funeral within 24 hours (plane is too expensive and car ride is minimal 2 days. With hardly any stops, which should mean there should be 2/3 people who can switch driving. )

However, not going to think of that!

My grandma, is really a gorgeous woman.

She lived with us when I was very young. My grandpa died shortly after I was born (I guess I was 1 or 2?) and then my grandma came to live with us. My sister was scared of my grandpa, I think because he was so ill, he had cancer. I was (Weirdly) not scared at all, and would sit at his bed and hold his hand and stroke it (as you would do with a cat). I don’t remember this, but my grandma told me.

Sadly, I was her favourite. And she didn’t try to hide that. Though she denies that to this day. I know it hurts my sister very much that my grandma would always put me first.

Whenever I was getting beaten, afterwards, my grandma would hug me and tell me it would all be ok. I could lie in her arms for hours just listening to her. I still remember her smell πŸ˜€
She would always play rummikub with my mum, and I never understood the game, but I thought it was very interesting, all the numbers and colours. Later on, they learned me the game, and my grandma helped me when I didn’t know what I could do as a next set. Later on, when I was a lot older and my grandma already living in another country, I helped her when she didn’t know what to do πŸ™‚ (when we were vistiting)

My grandma is catholic and had these gorgeous Maria statuettes in her room. Also a lot of amethyst gemstones. Real big ones, very beautiful πŸ™‚

At night when I would have a nightmare (Which was actually every night) I’d knock on the wall, because my grandma slept in the room next to mine (and my sisters) and she’d come to me and ask what was wrong. Obviously I had a night mare and was too scared to go to sleep. She said I should anyway, and that she’d hold my hand and protect me. So I went to sleep, security blanket in one hand, grandma’s hand in the other. And I closed my eyes. I did fall asleep and wake up in the morning and she’d be in her own bed again. But sometimes, I fell a sleep, and something woke me up, probably my grandma trying to get up, and then I opened my eyes and said Β ‘are you leaving?’ and she would sit down and say ‘no dear, just changing position’ πŸ˜€ of course she was trying to leave haha. But she sat back down and waited again till I fell asleep.

I also knew my grandma was always in for a hug. So I could always come to her for a big hug and just some warmth and love.
Also she was always in for a game. I loved games, but I always wanted to win. She’d let me cheat, so I could win, haha.

When my mum was at work and I came home from school, I was allowed to eat 1 cookie and 1 little bowl of chips. She discussed that with my mum of course but I was always so excited about that. I loved (and still do πŸ˜› ) food.

When we would go to the super market (my mum, sister, grandma and me) my sister and I would run ahead to make sure the bench was available for my grandmother halfway. Because she needed a break. We were always so proud that we were able to save her a spot.

Sadly my grandmother moved away when I was about 6. She couldn’t handle the cold weather and moved.
I did visit her a lot since. On holiday.

Right now she lives in a sort of nursery home, but the lady who runs it is really weird (Like magically my grandma’s engagement ring (which was very valuable dissapeared. My grandma was very upset about that 😦 (me too! She told me I’d get it when she passed away) just weird stuff like that, always asking for more money from my uncle to pay her living, and then again more for clothes and stuff… ). Plus there are other grandma’s really really sick and they scare me. I was really shocked the first time to see all those old people (well… there were just 3, and 1 in bed) there, really being so tired and stuff.

The last time I saw my grandma was May 2012, We were visiting there and when we walked in, I was VERY excited about seeing my grandmother and when I saw her she looked a little weird at me. So I said ‘hi grandma!’ and she said ‘hi dear’ Β but really distant. .So the care-taker-lady told me I could sit next to her. And I sat and grabbed her hand. She look confused at me and then she said ‘Oh Brianna! What are you doing here? Where is your mum?’ and my mum (sitting on the other side of her) was like ‘uh.. mum.. I’m here..’ and then my grandma recognized her as well.
I didn’t really follow the discussions between her and my mum and her care-taker. But I was just sitting next to her, holding her hand, and enjoying being with her. Sometimes just telling her ‘grandma, I love you’ and she’d say ‘i love you too dear’ πŸ™‚ <3333 makes me all warm now πŸ˜€

She ALWAYS asks if I have a boyfriend, hahahahahah. I guess that’s a typical grandma question πŸ˜›

Once earlier, when I visited her. I took a lot of photo’s of me with me. In a frame. Some big, some a little smaller. And she was soo happy with them! She said I looked like a photo Β model, which is ridiculous of course, but I love how she said that and I do feel like she meant it πŸ™‚

Back to the last time I saw her. She got into a discussion with my mum about how she always put me first. Well my mum said that to her. And she denied. A little further she said; ‘Brianna’s sister is a natural beauty. Brianna isn’t, but Brianna is beautiful on the inside, that’s what I like so much’ I did feel hurt.. am I ugly? And I cried and walked away. I’m not mad at her though, but it just hurt at that moment.

My mum is really pissed at her for denying that she put me first and stuff and she isn’t planning on seeing her ever again. I’m afraid, because I do want to see her as soon as possible again. So I really hope I can go to her in 2014!!

 

Did you ever know that you are my hero?
You are everything I wish I could be
I can fly higher than an eagle
For you are the wind beneath my wings
This song reminds me of my grandma <33

She was so important in the first years of my life. Always there for me. She wasn’t able to stand up against my father. Logical, she was living there for free… I don’t blame her. I do know she always hugged me and comforted me when I was crying, tell me it would be alright. Sing songs to me. Always telling me she loves me πŸ™‚
She really is the love of my life.

Sometimes, well, a lot of times, I miss her and the pain is so bad. And this song really describes that for me..

I can feel you, so near
Getting warm but, still cold

Why do you have to be so far away?
Cause I am still here
Who will be there if I need you today?
Cause I am still here

All the time I saw you try to make it undone,
Your toughest fight, but you carried on
And I know that you’ve been telling me to hold on..

Why do you have to be so far away? Cause I’m still…
You know that I’m still here.

 

I really want to get married in her country so she can be there(she won’t be able to come to Holland), I want her to see my children.

My grandma means more to me than words can explain. I am so scared of losing her. But I keep myself warm with all these memories.

xoxo
Brianna

Memory; tennis try-out

Might be a trigger!

Hi,

I just got triggered by something simple.
It was supposed to be positive I guess, but It triggered me to a memory.
It’s all repeating in my head now, so I’m going to write it down and hope it will help me get it out of my head.
I was about 11 years I think.
I just stopped swimming and gymnastics and was allowed to choose another sport. I couldn’t decide between hockey and tennis. So I got to try them both out with 1 training.
When I got to tennis. I don’t even know what happened, well, looking back, I was still being abused and living at home, depressed and so it’s not hard to think why it went wrong. But I don’t remember if anything happened before going to the try out.

My mum had bought me some gym clothes to wear. Me, being the chubby girl I was, tried them on in the dressing room (I was alone in the dressing room with my mum) and it was this really tight pink t-shirt with a tight short black pants. I felt really insecure in it, at home they made sure I knew I was fat and some kids at school as well. I was only 11 but really chubby, so I had these small ‘boobs’ which were actually just fat, but ok. But in the tight pink shirt it was so obvious, my body shape, and it was a little short too so you could see a bit of my tummy. I panicked and told my mum I didn’t want to go wearing this and if we could reschedule. She got mad at me for being a baby and shoved me out of the dressing room unto the tennis field. I was crying and trying to hide my tummy/fatboobs and my mum kept pushing me, while getting even more angry with me for crying.
I felt everyone could see how disgusting I was, how fat, how ugly, how dirty.. just everything. embarrassed of being me, betrayed (yet again) by my mum, scared.

The training went ok though, the trainer was nice and the 3 others kids were nice as well. The trainer said I had potential and that I learned quick (I never chose tennis by the way).

It’s just so stuck in my head. I can still see that intense pink shirt with a stupid white print on it, and feel it so tight on my body and just have it show all my shapes. The black pants as well.. yuck.
Feeling the shame, the hurt (by my mum mainly), insecurity..

Well.. I wiped away a few tears while writing this. So I DO feel something. But it’s all numb-ed down again. Though I do feel down now.

Going to go to bed now, just wrap myself in my blankets and be save and warm.

xoxo
Brianna