Hush little Brenda, don’t you cry


Had the appointment with the gynecologist today. She was very sweet and only did an echo (from the inside) and my uterus looks ok. There’s nothing abnormal with it. She did ask me if I wanter her to take a look outside the uterus, like at the cervix, but that wasn’t necessary.

Talked to Brandon, and he did manage to calm me down a little, but I got irritated because he thinks its my intestines.. Well it isn’t. I can feel the difference between my intestine, bladder and uterus. But how do you explain that to a man?
‘No uterus, no opinion!’

And why is the pain while I’m on my period the same as when I am off? It’s the same kind… so stop focussing on that damn intestine.
I asked him about body memory’s but it didn’t seem like he thought that was the problem.

I went to the piercing shop with that friend, she got a piercing, and then I went home.

I feel like shit and I feel okay. Which makes no sense at all. I can feel I am about to cry any second, though i feel ok. So I kinda label it as Brenda wants to cry. She’s really whiny right now. But I feel ok. But I don’t know anymore. Getting confused and stuff.
Can’t I just stop crying? Shouldn’t I be happy that my uterus is fine?

The more I think about it, the more sad I get. Feeling hopeless. (What is this pain??????) Seriously how can I imagine pain? Because that pain seriously hurts like hell. It hurts so much, I am willing to consider operating on myself and taking that thing out. But I wont… because now I know there’s no damage and she told me she didn’t see a reason why I couldn’t get pregnant later on.
But no… that pain feels real. And it triggers me real bad. I’m getting to angry and upset right now. So I’m just gonna lie down with a movie (Pitch Perfect).


I wanna believe you

When you tell me that it will be okay, yeah I try to believe you… but I dont.


Just got back from therapy. Again a cry day.
Well the day went ok, did dissociate in my talk with Brandon, but I was able to tell him, so he got me some water (which i didn’t drink) and talked about silly stuff. After 30 minutes I was able to stand up again. (feel so stupid when that happens 😦 ) and we ended the talk.The other girls were ready aswell so we just started eating lunch.

After that we had a sort of resilience training. But it focusses a lot on your body of course, so Brenda was already very screamy and stuff so I decided to sit on the bench and watch the others. Which was ok.
Then we closed the day with a sort of talk together (we do that every week) with a nurse and I told her I was very scared for the weekend. Because I always seem to slip down. And then I remembered… tomorrow the gynecologist. So I freaked out, bursted in to tears (IN THE GROUP-_-) and couldn’t stop. So I went to Brandon again. We made a plan, i’m gonna call him at 11 am (the appointment is at 11.30) and then we’ll talk again after. We made notes of what I can say (and am able to say), it’s too difficult for me to use some words that literally describe the abuse (especially in Dutch) so I’ll use the word abuse if she asks, but not the dutch word. I just can’t get that out of my mouth.

Paragraph might be triggering!
I am so afraid, I’m sorry, but I am. I know she is a sweet person. Last time I was there (without the narcosis) she was noticing I was in a lot of pain (well I was crying and stuff) and she stopped saying ‘youre in too much pain, I don’t feel good about pushing further’ so she decided to do it with the narcosis the next time. Now I’m still having problems with the stupid IUD well, my stupid uterus. And Brandon told me it would be good for me if I can ask her to look for any ‘damages’ because of the abuse. I’m really going to die if she finds something. I’m sorry for being such a drama queen. But anyway, to find something she’ll have to open up the whole thing. With that stupid thing she uses to open up the whole fucking thing and omg, I freak out by only thinking of it. I think I’m gonna take my security blanket. My mum will be in the waiting room, but I don’t want her in. I do feel its her fault im there in the first place :$ She could help me talk about what happened.. but I don’t know.. I feel too ashamed. Too gross.
I am not crying right now, but I can feel myself holding back the tears. I’m sorry but Brenda is kinda on the background, but she IS crying and it’s weird but i feel her fear and upset-ness.

I’m going to lie in bed for now. I just dont know what else to do. Gonna eat something just to take away the fear. Focus on the damn chips or something. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I’m sorry this is anything but positive, but I’m so scared now. I’m going to read back my last post about how CPTSD feels for me and especially read the positive things and then just go nap for a while with a movie or something like that.