What a rollercoaster day.

Right now I’m doing pretty okay actually. I thought of something, and wanted to share it with you guys.
I’m going to bed right now.. and I figured.. I’m going to bed with a smile. Not just any smile. A smile someone gave me, with just being who he is. Also for giving me the lift up to work through, the faith, the strength, the courage and so much more.


Are you guys wearing any smiles? ❀


Why does recovery take so long with childhood trauma?


I kind of wanted to write something from my point of view about why recovery takes ‘so long’ with childhood trauma. Of course the ‘so long’ part actually is often called so long in other people’s eyes, but to be honest, I think it’s taking too long sometimes as well.

This is all written from my point of view and also my experience. So I am only speaking for myself.
In my situation, the trauma started at a very young age, I don’t remember a time where I wasn’t living in a traumatic situation. I know, and have been told that the physical abuse was always a part of my life. As well as the emotional neglect.

As a child, I was being raised by my parents. A little by my environment and school and stuff. But mainly my parents. They form me. Like you can form clay, a child is very flexible, as the child grows older (the clay gets harder) and it’s it takes a form. The form which is set by the parents.

I often see it as programmed. I have been programmed a certain way. Some of my core beliefs are very hard and a result from trauma, for instance, my father is ‘the king’ and I must please him, no matter what (it costs me).

Of course as I grow older, or as the child grows older, I do start thinking on my own, and when I was 15 I got ‘rescued’ out of my home situation, and especially my thinking (rational) part could start to adapt more. It could start to adapt more to the law. For instance about what is right and wrong, no matter if it’s your father, uncle, neighbor, mother, grandmother or a stranger.
But, here is the twist, my hard drive/program/core beliefΒ is still the same. I am still, emotionally, the same shape as I was knead by my parents.

So my head can say ‘it’s ridiculous to please your father, if it’s that damaging to myself’, but deep down inside, I feel I still need to please him.

I understand all the things people are saying. Logically I do. Phrases like ‘snap out of it’/’don’t you get it?’ are jus not relevant. Because I do.
It takes a lot of time (and pain) for the original form to maybe even break down and build up again.

Right now I’m feeling that I am moving a little bit more forward, but that took a long time! And to be honest, rationally I may not know anything much different than one or two years ago. But people around me held on, believed in me, supported me, kept showing me what was right… and I guess that really helped.

So why does it take so long?
It takes long because I was programmed this way, and it takes a long time to reprogram. It’s not impossible. It just takes time, effort, patience.

I am beyond thankful for the people in my life who are showing me this precious light that I feel I never knew, it’s so pretty. It confuses me because I feel I don’t deserve it, and yet they keep on showing it. It brings me to tears, brings me confusion, brings me love, brings me pain, but most of all, brings me joy.
Thank you.


2013 in a blog post

Might contain TRIGGERS


So, 2013 in a blog post, this is gonna be nice one πŸ˜›

Well.. 2013 has been one heck of a year. Well I guess I say that every time, and every year it seems to surprise me what a chaotic life I have, which is weird, because it never has been different yet it keeps surprising me as if I expect different.
Anyway, it started real scary. I just moved to my own place. For the first time, living on my own. It was hard, finally a place of my own, now what? I started falling down hard, after a suicide attempt in february I didn’t really knew what to do with my life and just crawled back into my own fantasy world, which I used to do when I lived at home. I must have spent a few months there.. it was ok. After a while, I was ready to try back out again, and I started making contact with people. Mostly guys, let’s be honest xD. Went through the whole mick-mack with the heart-drama. Somewhere around May (?) I met Abraham, which I never saw coming and he gave me something I never thought I’d ever get, or I ever even wished or dreamed of, because I didn’t even know of its existence. Somewhere around July I started talking to Sander again I think, and Randy came… and went πŸ˜› man oh man, xD what a guy drama.

Mentally… what a rollercoaster. February was a big down for me. While Abraham was in my life I had a huge down (stopped with 2 medication type’s (Anti psychotic and anti depressant) which made all my emotions come back up, down i went, and well, a lot of downs since then. I guess only 1 really big one. So maybe just 3 this year.
But it feels like I’ve wandered around the edge of life numerous times, being tempted to jump and just forget the world. In february I tried, second time, Abraham pulled me away. Third time.. I pulled myself away.. wow.. I just realized that now.

2013 was the year I broke contact with my dad. The year I told my mum, straight to her face, why I have CPTSD. My mum told my sister behind my back (Which was a little disappointing, but ok)
I celebrated Christmas with my best friend.
I met Justy on Β Wordpress.
I started my blog here. Felt less alone by reading other people’s blog and their journey’s through life with their struggle’s.
The year I dated like crazy. But to be honest, the year I dates like crazy, but which made me realize, maybe I’m not ugly… because some guys I dated were.. well.. they’re were just plain hot πŸ˜› so it did give me a little boost πŸ˜‰
I got of to a great start with Polly, I trust her and I know how to be open with her and discuss things with her.
I learned a lot about (c)PTSD and myself and everything that comes with.

I’ve been down on the floor, crying like crazy, screaming my lungs out, but in the end I did get up.
I had stood on my balcony ready to jump off, ready to leave this world, but yet here I am writing this! ok.. this is freaking me out, I could’ve been dead by now.. Damn, glad I’m not actually. Otherwise I never would’ve known about Christmas with Bestie.. and how happy I have felt sometimes. So happy that I felt it was too much, happy-ness overdose.

Anyway, 2013, you have been a………. weird, amazing, depressing, loving, interesting year. Thank you.


100th Blog Post!


So this is my 100th blog post πŸ™‚ ! (Though I’m feeling down, I do want to mention this + end the week positive!)

To be honest I am so glad I started blogging and found a way to let my feelings out, and especially finding people who deal with the same.

I met a very special woman her on WordPress, who turned out to be Dutch as well! She’s become very important to me in the short period of time since we know each other.
So I sort of want to ‘dedicate’ this post to her!

For her intelligence, advice, support, strength. She truly is inspirational πŸ™‚

Thanks for your support and advice!

You are really a clear line for me here on WordPress πŸ™‚

And of course thank you to everyone who reads my blog, comments and/or like’s my posts!
I am very thankful for that, and if you’re wondering if you are part of the people I’m talking/writing about right now… well.. if you’re reading this, you are πŸ™‚
So thank you VERY much!


That’s what friends are for


A thankful moment!

I’m alone at christmas + new years.

My bestie as well as my sister has invited me to spend it with them (my sister with her fiance and my bestie with her and her family) ❀
That is sΓ³ sweet! I am really touched by it. That they care so much about me spending the holiday’s alone.
I am not that scared of the holiday’s.. I’ll just make my own tradition I guess.. me and the cats πŸ˜‰
I know I get my grandmothers old decorations so I can decorate the house a little. Buy something special for the cats to eat. It’ll be ok πŸ™‚ !

But it’s so nice to know I am welcome at their place ❀



I want to take a moment and say ‘thank you’

Hi everyone,

Well its 21.30 pm now.
I had a perfect day!!!!! πŸ™‚
It may seem weird to use the word ‘perfect’, but it doesn’t mean that I felt 100% happy all the time. It just that I realized how blessed I am. The things I can. Really realizing it, feeling strong enough to see it, sun was shining outside, but in me as well!
I am able to clean my house on my own. I do have help at home, 2 times a week. I have therapy 2 times a week. I have the best, best friend a person could wish for. I have my own house. Two wonderful and beautiful cats who love me very much. I’ve got a wonderful sister who loves me so much, and even asked me to be her best man (woman?) on her wedding! I have a mum who loves me and supports me the best she can right now. I do have an income. I have a lovely home which feels save, in a save neighbourhood. I get to go to therapy with a taxi.
What a list! I’m thankful for everything right now. It doesn’t mean when I’m sad I’m not thankful, but that just means everything is so hard and I’m feeling like i can’t do this alone and stuff. But I do want to remind myself of what I have and cherish it πŸ™‚ Because it’s never certain you have those things.

It seems weird, but I really want to thank God for having these things.

I did have some down moments this afternoon/evening. Of course my best friend knows my ins and outs and I know hers, so we also talked about that. It made me sad a little, but I’m glad we have the kind of friendship, where we pull eachother up, and not down. Whem I’m feeling down, and she contacts me. I am positive for her. Because I KNOW she will make it. I know she will work through it. i’m realistic and honest with her, but I have faith in her. & She has the same in me. We understand each other, because we’ve been through the same.
I didn’t let the down moments ruin my day, because I believe in myself. I’m confident. I know I have to watch out for the pitfalls (like right now, I’m getting VERY tired, and I can feel my mood falling down, so I started to think why, but I felt it in my whole body, I’m tired, not just sleepy but really not much energy left) and act on them. So I’m going to go to bed now (sleep with my security blanket (and of course one of the cats will come with (it’s like they take shifts :P))). Tomorrow will be a full day of therapy again + a talk with Brandon. So I’ll be there till 4 pm!


The sun is shining!

Hi everyone!

Its only 1 pm here, but I think I finally know what people mean when they say you lose a big part of the day, when you sleep till noon.
I had a doctor’s appointment around 10 AM, it went well. Got a referral to the gynecologist, she didn’t make an issue of that. Was very friendly, helped me figure out what I have to do to get either, my old gynecologist or another woman, but not a male.

Then I went home, and just cleaned the whole house, haha!
It’s so clean right now πŸ™‚ Dont wanna move because I’m afraid i might spoil it. Which is ridiculous of course πŸ˜‰ When I make something dirty I can just clean it up right after that.
Cleaning up was actually kind of fun. I felt good doing it, just put on my music with my headphones, and sang and danced around while I was cleaning. Too bad my cat (the girl) followed me around everywhere. Usually I clean when she’s asleep (IF I clean, whaha) but she was wide awake, and happy I was home, so she followed me everywhere. Whenever I opened a cabinet, she climbed in, so I had to take her out and stuff, but it was ok πŸ˜› Didn’t get mad at her, she just wants to be around her mummy, which is soooo sweet!

My cat (the boy πŸ˜‰ ) was sick yesterday, having diarrhea and stuff 😦 so I took him to bed with me (what made his sister jealous, so she crawled in bed with us), he seems to be doing a lot better now! Playing around and stuff, being annoying, so he’s feeling ok again πŸ˜‰

And best part of all;
She’s on her way over now, so I’m going to pick her up at the train station within half an hour. I’m so excited, haven’t seen her over a year I think. Though we talked a lot, it’s different when you see each other face-to-face. Last time I saw her, was with her birthday last year, she was at a psychiatric ward and I came to visit her with a birthday cake (Which was all warm after the long ride over there xD) and we did have some fun. But I’m so glad I get to see her again today πŸ™‚ !

I feel blessed, feeling good and surrounded by beautiful things.
The weather seems gorgeous outside, gonna spend the rest of the afternoon with my bestie, my cats are feeling ok.

Yep, I am very happy πŸ™‚ !