Ramblings

I can do it, I am doing it. Living. I’m going out, I actually even smile and mean it sometimes. But mostly I’m not very happy. Especially since yesterday evening. It’s like a dark cloud is pushing down on me, while I try to move forward, I feel it’s pressure.

I’ve known Brandon (my psychiatric nurse) for 1,5 years now, and I think (even though 1,5 years is quite a long time) I actually trust him fully now. I really do. There is a time limit at my new treatment centre and it’s short… I’m actually pooping my pants already because in November I’ll be without Brandon, maybe just temporary, but I’ll be without.
When a part of me right now just wants to cling right on to him. I feel so down and bad right now.. I just want him to ‘make it all better’. The funny part is, when I’m actually sitting in front of him, I’m mostly quite calm. When I’m not, the only thing I do is stare at the ground (while crying) or at my lap, when he asks me to look at him, I refuse. I NEVER search for the physical contact. Or even ask for his comfort with words.

I know there are a very few people who do have a person like that. But if I had a person who felt save to me, in my environment, I’d reach out to him/her and ask for help right now. Tell ’em how I’m feeling and that I’m kinda feeling stuck with it. I know there’s no clear answer or solution, but honesty helps.. and being heard too.. and distraction third. So, in the absence of that person. WordPress is my outlet, I’m gonna make internet or Netflix my distraction wrap myself in a blanket and try to soothe myself and dry my own tears. Because despite all of the shit, I still have myself, and one day it will be okay and enough for comfort.

Ignorance is bliss

Last christmas, I hung 3 pictures in my christmas tree. Of the three people who stood by me the most in 2013. It was my (current) bestie, Justy and Abraham.

I’d say, ignorance is bliss in that situation.

Had I known that bestie wouldn’t be my best friend anymore and Abraham would turn away from me, even after an open conversation. And last week at some point I thought I’d lose Justy aswell, I’d really think ‘why would I even care?’

I had a real tough week but had good distraction as well so it had a lot of balance luckily.

I got the comment thrown at my head from a ‘close friend’ that ‘she is always happy’ (he wasn’t talking about me, obviously) it was a real slap in the face. And to me, freaking unfair to say. First of all, nobody is ever always happy. Second of all, don’t like it? Go away.

I know I got a lot to offer somebody. If you don’t appreciate it, then go away. I don’t want to waste my time, energy or even my tears on people who don’t deserve it.

I have an exciting week ahead. It’ll be my last week with just the three of us, at the end of the week, our fourth family member will join us!
Anyway, it’s planned and packed with loads of stuff. Mostly fun things though and meeting up with people.

Gotta admit, feeling shaky on my legs, I feel the need to cry and crawl away (since it’s evening I’ll just go do that in bed and sleep) and face this new week.

xoxo
Brianna

Plan A or B?

Hi,

So tomorrow I have an appointment at the new therapy unit. It’ll be with someone from my old unit though and Brandon will work there aswell. I’ve got two plans.
By the way, I got to tell, my mood is kinda low. I feel really alone and misunderstood.

Plan A; Go there, throw myself at their shoes. Beg for a hug, and for them to listen to me. To give me some comfort. Cry because FINALLY there’s someone around who understands me and SEE’S me. Praise the Lord. Kiss the ground.

I’m really not kidding.

Plan B; Just do as I’m told. Act all cool. It’s an ‘official’ appointment.  To see if they can do anything for me and stuff.. But anyway, don’t act all desperate.

Obviously plan A is all emotional an B all rational. Now where is C? A nice mix of both.

The appointment will be at 9.30 am. Right after that I’ll meet with some girls from my old therapy group, which probably will be good. They are more understanding.
I feel a major ocean of tears coming up. I better brace myself, and Brenda, although we’ll probably just entwine.

Why tear each other apart?
Please tell me why
Why do we make it so?
I look at us now
We only got ourselves to blame
It’s such a shame

So come and face me now
Here on this stage tonight

Let’s leave the past behind us
What’s come between us?
Only tear drops

 

It – honestly – breaks my heart, to stumble upon misunderstandings, or any kind of walls. Upon mouths being shut and heads being turned. Especially those who used to look and lend a hand.
And just to make it a little bit more painful, it only seems to break my heart.

xoxo
Brianna

Two sides

Well hello flu, long time no see

I’m feeling terrible again. Soar throat, coughing, full nose, high temperature, headache. I was sick in March twice, April 0, now May 1. Lets keep it like that.

Anyway, it always has two sides I guess. I had a lovely weekend. Saw the puppy ❤ and had a great sleepover with the girls from my old therapy group. So it actually is the best time to get sick, because being sick right now, means I’ll be better the 24th, and that’s the day I’m going to welcome the puppy home. It’s actually right in between two great things. So I do ‘have the time’ to be sick.

It’s just sucky that it triggers me.

So right now I still am doing everything to keep me balanced. I actually stopped taking the oxazepam, since it’s giving me weird dreams. If I’m having crisis I’m going to take quetiapine (it’s stronger, but ok). I’m sleeping on the couch. Creating everything as save as possible for myself and just giving myself what I need within the possibilities.

For instance, eating popsicle when I want to, carrying my security blanket around me all the time, sleep whenever I feel the need to.

xoxo
Brianna

I yearn for some credit

Hi,

When I look at myself right now and a year ago, a lot has changed. At some point I do feel nothing has changed (I can still feel like shit and stuff… but..).

But, I’ve got to say, I do get out of the house.
A year ago, I had therapy, twice a week.

So my week would be.

Monday – Therapy
Tuesday – Home
Wednesday – Home
Thursday – Therapy
Friday – Home
Saturday – Home
Sunday – home

I Hated the weekends, capital h, and I rarely did something outside.
I did feel like crap and all.

But here and now, my past/current week:

Monday – Met with a friend in the afternoon, later went to a festival with another friend and had some drinks with her, came home about 11 pm
Tuesday – Justy came over and had a nice afternoon/evening with her
Wednesday – Home! (Oh no 😉 )
Thursday – Met with another friend and spend the whole afternoon with her and in the evening I went to work.
Friday – Home. I spent some time with my mum.
Saturday – I’ll go visit my future puppy (I’ll explain later) & will go over to a friend for a sleepover with other girls
Sunday – go back home but meet with another friend in the afternoon.

I see difference…. Don’t you? Besides! The first friend from monday + the friend from thursday where both people I reached out to because I felt I needed some contact.
Even when I feel I have no one to reach out to, I can even go out side and just walk around and it’ll make me feel a little better.

Maybe they’re all small things, but it’s a real big difference to me.

About the sweet little dog. I’m getting a puppy 🙂 she’s real small right now, 5 weeks actually, she’s still with her momma, so I’m just gonna pay a visit. But at the end of May I’m allowed to take her home 😀 .
Then we’ll be a family of four 🙂 with my two cats and me.

That’s me…
Doing pretty ok actually with the oxazepam in me. I’m almost afraid to say it out loud, or even type it. I don’t want to jinx it.. but I’m being stable.. just looking at my life week by week, and it’s ok 🙂

xoxo
Brianna

Acceptance and CPTSD

Hi,

I have been really quiet lately, on here, on twitter on internet overall actually.

Looking back on the period I think I have been very busy with dealing and accepting and fitting the CPTSD into my daily life and making everything as normal as possible. Now I realize that sounds negative, but it really isn’t. Because I’ve been ok with it. Still am. There are moments I still long for the company, but there are moments I just go out and squeeze myself into the crowd and try to be ok with what I can get from that, and strangely enough, it makes me happy.

I seem to have the best medication combination for myself right now (it took me 7 years to get to this combination so I think it’s ok to have found it by now 😉 ) and step by step… maybe… I’m just moving forward.

Is it easy? No, it’s not. For instance, yesterday I got triggered real bad at therapy and there was absolutely no space for my problems. Brenda was very upset.
I had to deal with it on my own even though there were therapists around me. It made me a little angry. Why should I do this all alone? You are here around me!
But in the end, I’m glad I calmed her down by myself.

I’m still scared, and I still get upset. I still cry like a baby sometimes, and grab on to my security blanket like there’s no tomorrow, but somehow I seem to survive that every time.
Maybe it’s just what it is, right now. So, instead of trying to reprocess all the trauma, I’m trying to accept the trauma, and still be happy with my life. Still be smiling.

Although right now, I’m having a sad moment.. (I know it’s probably PMS) I feel I have more distance at the whole situation, instead of drowning in the sadness I feel.

Now I’m gonna take Brenda and myself to bed, because staying up while I’m this sad, is never going to do any good. I could use the sleep anyway 🙂

xoxo
Brianna

Feeling blue

Hi,

I’m predicting this post is going to be a big blur of me rambling about loneliness and thoughts around that. And I think it might be hard to follow.

So, I’m still feeling sick-ish. It’s not that hard anymore, but it’s still kicking me down. I’m still in bed all day and then it’s bearable. But… I’m lonely. I have the tendency to just keep busy. But with being sick and all, there’s not much energy (well feel free to say, no energy) left to do stuff. But I just want to do stuff and I don’t even care right now if it’s working all day and all night long. Just let me do something, anything but think. Anything but being lonely here.

I miss you. And I think we all know who I’m talking about, but right now I can’t bear to say his name. A part of me feels like the most stupidest whore on earth, for feeling like this. And just writing that down, the other part disappeared. The other part was probably a little more healthy but the Peter-like-thinking destroyed it temporarily. Well, that’s ok.

At this moment, I just don’t care. Just give me something to do. No, better yet. Make me do something. Force me.
I know that won’t work. Because Brenda will start screaming eventually because she’ll feel unsafe or need rest etc. and then I’ll collapse no matter what.
But I just feel like I just can’t just sit here on my bed thinking about ‘you’, and actually thinking to myself.. realizing this;

I want you near.
You don’t want near.
I can’t do anything about that.

It’s as simple as that. And no matter how simple that is, it’s so painful. Because I can’t look into your head. My expectations have to be low, lower than the ground. Nothing is clear and though it never was, now it seems worse.
I’m so upset. And who knows, maybe I’m a lot more in my child-mode than I realize right now, because when I force myself to look back at my post, it’s not very adult-thinking.. and when I force myself to look at the last month rationally for instance, I’ve been doing fine with the distance between me and you. And I was honestly okay with it. But right now, I’m falling to pieces, the distance is breaking me up. Time and patience seem like my worst enemy, but I think I’ve got an unreliable friend on my side who is far worse than time and/or patience.  I just don’t know what it is yet.

xoxo
Brianna

Recovery; where am I?

Hi,

The last few days have been pretty good actually! I was quite busy but in a good way. Meeting up with people and just socializing 🙂 felt real good!

Today I talked to Justy (who I met up with yesterday as well!) about therapy and something Brandon and I are ‘argue-ing’ about sometimes.
And it gave me some insights, well, she gave me some insights.

The conversation with Brandon sort of goes like this. (btw, remember me wanting my topomax from the pharmacy, because it helps against nightmare’s?)

Brandon; You need to take responsibility for your life
Me; No! This life is not my responsibility. I’ll accept my past and move on from here, see what I can do with the things that are left.
Brandon; Your nightmares are your responsibility.
Me; No, I don’t like that word. I’ll accept them, but they’re not my responsibility, I didn’t choose them.
Brandon; Whose responsibility are they then? The women from the pharmacy?
Me; Well… they’re OUR responsibility

Justy immediately said he was testing me. I asked her, testing me for what?…… Testing me on how far along I probably am in coming to terms with my past. I don’t think it’s a secret that I can be stubborn. Especially not on this blog 😉 At this moment, I refuse to call my past, and the things I’m stuck with, my responsiblity. But as I was talking with Justy about this, I felt and just knew it was a matter of time before I would be able to replace the word accept to responsiblity.

I do think refusing to take responsibility is a little ‘childish’ of me, and not in a particularly negative way. It just seems to me that I’m not ready yet to accept that it’s really true what happened. And it really can’t be changed, by no-one. I really can’t get my childhood back. I really won’t get a father and a mother, the way I want to. I really won’t be able to turn back time, or be able to erase the memories. 

But untill then, I seem to cover it up with ‘acceptance’, untill I am ready to take the acceptance blanket off. I already know what’s lying underneath. It’s responsibility.

xoxo
Brianna

A full day with PTSD

Hi,

Yesterday was a real long day for me. I guess fora lot of people it can be seen as a normal day, but to me it was exhausting.
It started out with therapy, and afterwards I had an introduction at my volunteer work.

Therapy was rough. Wednesday always seems to get to me. I wanted to take it slow because I knew, I had to spread my energy up until 10 pm at least, because then I am able to go home (from the volunteers work).

Lately, I have been having good night’s rest. I do sleep well, no nightmares, but I don’t sleep long. I used to have a lot of trouble falling a sleep, I don’t anymore. But I wake up incredibly early, and then I can’t fall asleep anymore.
Creative therapy was quite ok, but I got tired after already.
Grouptherapy, was heavy. I got a laugh-kick with another group member, which maybe was me laughing away some tension, I don’t know.
Lunch –
Training in social kills was intense as well. A lot of practise and just took a lot of energy. (We practice with setting boundaries, and making sure other people can’t cross them, due to trauma in the past (it was boundary crossing) it’s hard to know where you boundaries are etc)

After that a individual talk with Brandon, but I already noticed my body was shocking sometimes. I don’t even know what that really means, I do know I’m full of tension. It’s really ridiculous and I am ashamed of it, but it just shocks. We cut the talk short.

When I was in the taxi on my way home, I already felt the whole day being too much. I was either about to cry (in the taxi, yup) or about to dissociate (felt myself floating away). I remember how a part of me was telling myself to keep focussing on the things around me but another part of me was so scared it was just petrified and didn’t want to move or even look or focus on the stuff around.
Somehow I managed the way home. With some encouragement of Justy I got into bed for a short time, with my security blanket, in total Brenda mode (crying, feeling unsafe), I crawled under the blankets, stuffed the security blanket against my mouth and kinda fell asleep.

My mum came to my house to take me to the volunteers work for the first time. When I woke up I felt a lot better, back to Brianna-mode. I was very scared of meeting the new people and stuff, but I knew I wanted to do this because it was a great opportunity.

Let’s just say it was intense. It started at 7 pm. I did my very best. I was smiling, introducing myself. Using my voice. Coming of normal (hopefully 😉 ). But despite that, I felt a lot of derealization. I did feel myself, a bit weird though, but the whole environment was just a big haze. I kept on pushing myself through the whole evening, which was exhausting. Suddenly about 20 other people came. And again, smiling, introducing myself in front of the whole group. After that there was a sort of gathering for all the people and of course it’s normal to stay. Although I desperately wanted to go home, I did stay.

I stood with my back against the wall and watched the other people while fighting the derealization, suddenly a girl came up to me to introduce herself personally. Of course I had to take the chance again and focus with all my head on what she was saying, smiling, coming of normal. Another guy came… and they were playing tablefootbal, the girl asked me to join. I didn’t want to! But I knew… this was my chance, so I did. I joined (lost with another guy 😉 ) but it was fun. After that, another girl came and introduced herself to me. Again a lot of focussing and to be honest I was ready to drop down on the floor.
It sounds intense, but this ‘all’ happened in 60 minutes, I asked the girl ‘when are we allowed to leave?’ (probably not very smart of me, but ok) she said ‘oh youre welcome to leave anytime you want!’ and I told her I had a long day, but I wanted to be here to meet everyone, but I thought it might be time for me to go home. Said goodbye to her and went. (10.40 pm)

When I got outside, it was raining. Didn’t care. I just walked in the rain. Which was lovely!!! No coat, the cold wind, the rain.. my mum picked me up from the bus station.

Just a full day with PTSD 😉

xoxo
Brianna

Seroquel/Quetiapine – My caretaker

Hi,

Obsessive as I am, or maybe it’s a little bit nicer to say ‘observing’ as I am ( 😉 ), I think I know why I tend to take my crisis medication (which is seroquel XR (also known as quetiapine)) sometimes and sometimes I really DON’T want it, although I can feel really horrible.

I’ve talked about me (Brianna) and the other me part, who is like a child part of me (Brenda). Well.. I think, and to be clear, this is what I think, that when I’m mainly thinking like Brianna, I will not take my crisis medication. Because I want to deal with this on my own. I don’t want to numb out, I don’t want the medication to knock me out into a sleep (which it does), I want do this on my own. Even if it means me losing something (like, self harm or something like that).

When I’m thinking more like Brenda, I long for the medication. The medication is my ‘mother’ who takes care of me. Who calms me down. Who puts me to bed and makes sure, everything will be ok for now.

Brenda-thinking only happens when I’m very triggered. Like saturday with the police, it was absolutely no problem to take the crisis medication.
However, before the police came, I was feeling like shit and suicidal as well… But there wasn’t a part of me thinking about taking the medication, I wanted to take care of this on my own! I don’t want to be knocked out! It doesn’t solve a thing! I get angry at people telling me ‘go get your seroquel’….. like; NO. That’s easy, because I’ll be off your back for a while. But the problem will still be here when I wake up.

But when I’m in a total Brenda modus.. Seroquel? Yes please!!!! *happy face*

Seroquel is the caretaker, for Brenda.
But definitely NOT for me.

Right now (today) I’m doing pretty ok actually. I’m keeping myself busy with working on my poem book (I’m making a book of my poems, and decorating each page with something! It’s distracting and calms me down. So I guess it’s a win-win!)

xoxo
Brianna