Recovery; where am I?

Hi,

The last few days have been pretty good actually! I was quite busy but in a good way. Meeting up with people and just socializing 🙂 felt real good!

Today I talked to Justy (who I met up with yesterday as well!) about therapy and something Brandon and I are ‘argue-ing’ about sometimes.
And it gave me some insights, well, she gave me some insights.

The conversation with Brandon sort of goes like this. (btw, remember me wanting my topomax from the pharmacy, because it helps against nightmare’s?)

Brandon; You need to take responsibility for your life
Me; No! This life is not my responsibility. I’ll accept my past and move on from here, see what I can do with the things that are left.
Brandon; Your nightmares are your responsibility.
Me; No, I don’t like that word. I’ll accept them, but they’re not my responsibility, I didn’t choose them.
Brandon; Whose responsibility are they then? The women from the pharmacy?
Me; Well… they’re OUR responsibility

Justy immediately said he was testing me. I asked her, testing me for what?…… Testing me on how far along I probably am in coming to terms with my past. I don’t think it’s a secret that I can be stubborn. Especially not on this blog 😉 At this moment, I refuse to call my past, and the things I’m stuck with, my responsiblity. But as I was talking with Justy about this, I felt and just knew it was a matter of time before I would be able to replace the word accept to responsiblity.

I do think refusing to take responsibility is a little ‘childish’ of me, and not in a particularly negative way. It just seems to me that I’m not ready yet to accept that it’s really true what happened. And it really can’t be changed, by no-one. I really can’t get my childhood back. I really won’t get a father and a mother, the way I want to. I really won’t be able to turn back time, or be able to erase the memories. 

But untill then, I seem to cover it up with ‘acceptance’, untill I am ready to take the acceptance blanket off. I already know what’s lying underneath. It’s responsibility.

xoxo
Brianna

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10 thoughts on “Recovery; where am I?

  1. I don’t think that we’re responsible for symptoms like nightmares. They’re the result of trauma, not our choices, and I’d be angry if someone told me I was responsible for that. It comes awfully close to blaming the victim, in my opinion. The people responsible for the symptoms of PTSD are the people who caused the trauma–not us.

    How we respond to symptoms–sure, that’s our responsibility. I can choose to deal with, say, nightmares by doing something self-destructive to numb the feelings, or I can choose more adaptive coping methods. That’s all I’ll take responsibility for–my actions, not my symptoms.

    • Thanks for your comment and sharing your opinion Hope! 🙂
      Taking responsibility for how you respond is a huge thing as well! And difficult, sometimes I even find it hard to do that.

  2. The main trauma that caused my PTSD ( there are a few others that came about later) happened at the age of 8 and I just recently forgave the bastard that killed my dad. It took me all these years. It wasn’t easy, but I feel so much more free. Why torture myself for something I didn’t do. I was never going to get past it until I forgave the bastard. I forgave him, he’s also dead, but it doesn’t mean I have to like him. I was the only one being affected by the anger I held on to. I did write a poem about it a few months ago on my blog. It’s not like I’m all of a sudden cured and never will be, but a heavy load has been lifted off my shoulders and now maybe, just maybe I can move on. I’m now better handling and coping with all my other issues that I have to work on. All the trauma and chronic medical illnesses and pain. I wish you the best of luck on this very difficult journey. I know it’s not easy and it takes a long, long time.
    Peace,
    Tammy

    • Thanks for your comment and sharing your experience! 🙂
      I’m glad you got to forgive the bastard and that it gave you relieve! Especially since you were the only one being affected by it.
      Take care!

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