Am I climbing up?

Hi,

I have been very quiet on Word Press and mainly just because I am ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my behaviour yet not willing to change it because I felt I deserved it.
Right now I think I’m moving up, SLOWLY, but surely. I had a really hard couple of days.

Trigger Warning
There was a lot of self harm in the past few days and a lot of triggers. Just something inside of me demanding me to harm myself because I deserve to be harmed. I needed to be in constant pain. Thursday was the worst I guess. I did harm myself and it just kept bleeding, I was too afraid to go to the doctors but after 5 hours (and the doctors being closed) I got scared. It still didn’t stop. I was supposed to go grocery shopping with my mum so I told her before hand that I did harm myself and it hadn’t stopped bleeding yet. (5 hours later) She looked a little confused and said ‘the store is only open till 8 pm’. It felt as a huge rejection (I don’t deserve medical treatment) and we went to the store. I was beyond angry and upset with my mother. After going back to the car after getting the grocery’s I cried and asked her why I am not important enough? At least not more important than grocery’s. She said she got confused and didn’t know what to do. I told her I did want to see a doctor.
Of course being VERY ashamed of harming myself and then going to the doctors, I came in with my tail between my legs and there was a very nice woman doctor who helped me. She asked me why I did it & I said ‘i hate my body’ she said ‘that must be awful’.. yeah, you can get angry about this but I do feel she meant it so I said ‘yeah..’. She asked me to see the wound and ofcourse now that I AM at the doctors it stopped! So it was still very nasty and since it had been about 6 hours it wasn’t anyting pretty. She said she wanted to stitch it up and make the scar more ‘pretty’.. but I told her she didn’t need to and I’d be ok with a plaster. For the first time the doctor was ok with wat I wanted with the wound. The area around it is still a but numb but I guess that’ll stay like that.
Yesterday (Friday) I did harm myself again and a lot, but not that deep. Which meant it hurt much more. So after breaking down again in front of my mum I did manage to go to bed that night WITHOUT cutting! Right now it’s saturday and it’s 4.43 pm and I haven’t cut. I am a little proud of myself, though I do feel the need coming up, I’m just gonna try to be ok with not cutting and not wanting to punish myself.

So it’s hard yeah.. but we’ll make it through right?
I really hope this is it. That this was rock bottom and I’m going up again.
Looking back at this year.. I have a lot of mixed feelings. It went ok as in I have therapy and got a lot out of myself, however I had a few down moments as well. Moments where I could have died if it turned out wrong.

I hope to be a little more active and a little more positive again.

They don’t even know you
All they see is scars
They don’t see the angel living in your heart
Let them find the real you, buried deep within.
Let them know with all you’ve got.. that you are NOT your skin.

Not ready to call myself an angel 😉 , but I do know I have a good part as well. I am not all bad.

xoxo
Brianna

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How CPTSD feels to me

IMG_5687
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as far as I know these pictures were free to use, if not, feel free to contact me & I’ll remove it!)

I put this collage together with pictures from google, which is a good description to me about how (c)PTSD feels to me.

Pills (to numb everything), loneliness (walking alone, no people around you who understand you, labelled as mental, psychiatric patient, being an outcast), sadness (crying because the pain feels unbearable and rips you apart from the inside), broken (feeling broken, unfixable) and scared (childish fears).

It all seems negative, which it maybe is, but it’s also true in how I feel sometimes

But I do want to put the opposite here as well.

Pills to numb feels good, but we don’t need to. We ARE strong enough to hold our head above the water when every feeling washes over us.
Loneliness, yeah there aren’t much people who understand us. But not much means there are STILL people! Thank you WordPress and Twitter for bringing me in contact with these people, for those people to inspire me to hold on, and to those people to show me it does get better. And there are also people who TRY to understand, and try to help you where they can (though WE must do most of the work)
Sadness, it IS sad. It IS painful. It IS ok to cry about that. To grieve. But don’t forget we ARE strong enough to keep our head above the water! The pain does not define us.
Broken, we’re not broken, we are BENT and we CAN learn to love again (Pink – Just give me a reason 😉 ) it IS true. CPTSD IS treatable. And you can live a worthy life after/ the (c)ptsd. (or when you work on stabalizisation) with (c)ptsd
Scared, its OK to be scared. It’s ok to be alert. But don’t let childish fears (and by childish i don’t mean childish as in silly, but childish as in the fears you had when you were a child which WERE rightful and correct. You are older, stronger now. You ARE in control now. Take the control over your own life.
We HAVE a right to exist!

HOPE
I wont give up on us!
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up.

Cause even the stars, they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it

I am here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

I wont give up on us.
Ps. The glee cover of this song is my favourite! (Glee – I wont give up on us) 

By the way, this doesn’t mean I am doing perfect/good/the best. I am still in my process of recovering, and dealing/walking and falling down. But there’s nothing wrong with some positivity every now and then right? 🙂

Big hug to you all! 🙂
And one extra to you Justeramaajarvi!

xoxo
Brianna

A little confused

Hello,

Well not to be arrogant or something like that, but I really thought I was doing well lately, I still do.
However, tonight I fell hard. I guess somewhere I must have denied the thought of me having (c)ptsd and that it might all be over since I’m doing so well.

I have thought about EMDR and I didn’t want to do that anymore, I was doing soooo good, haha.
The thoughts about me blaming my mum so much and not my dad has puzzled me as well. I figured out when I think of my dad, all I feel is fear. Kinda makes me think he still has control over me. When I think about my mum, I get angry or feel sorry for her (either way, I do love her). But I was like ‘ohhhh that ok, we can leave it like that’.

All stuff like that, well tonight I had a trigger (i didn’t know it was a trigger, of course I knew it might be, but I thought I somehow got passed it (magically 😉 ). Just when I noticed it didn’t feel ok, I stopped and then I felt flabbergasted, like ‘what did just happen?’ and I must have looked around for 10 seconds like that and then I just started crying. It all came out, With flashes going through my head. Instantly I thought ‘ABRAHAM!’, everything in me wanted to call him and just have him hug me and comfort me.  Of course directly after thinking ‘Abraham’, I knew, he’s not there anymore. So that made me cry even harder.
I do feel like I’ve fallen down, though I’m standing up right now. I feel confused, ‘what did just happen?’ And sort of bummed, it feels like ptsd slapped me in the face, like ‘Hi bitch, I’m still here!!!!’ So I do feel like I’m walking again, slowly but I’m walking and trying to figure out what happened. I don’t feel sad about it to be honest… Maybe I pushed the feeling away?

By the way, I did email Abraham Wednesday (I think), he never answered, though he still is my friend on Facebook. I’m confused by it, but I’m okay with it. Now I know I did try to reach out to him, he didn’t respond, which is (to be honest) a little disappointing, but now I know what I’m in for. I would love to talk to him, but I know I can manage just fine without. I also feel like that is an improvement, because contact with him would be something extra and not necessary, just a welcome extra. Well its too bad it’s not there, but no biggie.
(For the record, I send an email asking how he was doing, nothing about myself, so I don’t feel like I could’ve pressured him)

Well, gonna sleep soon. Decide which movie I’m gonna watch in bed and just relax 🙂 !

xoxo
Brianna

Taking the rest I think I need

Hello peeps,

 

It’s not gonna be a long blog this time. I am VERY tired. Had heavy therapy, I’m fine and stable though. Just tired.
Believing in myself, telling myself I’m worth it & I’ll make it through. Because I will.
I feel shaky, but I know I am able to balance. I’m going to take good care of myself by going to bed now. Take the rest I need.
I’ve been a little low at contact with others, no twitter, no wordpress etc. Just some whatsapp.

xoxo
Brianna