I have been very quiet on Word Press and mainly just because I am ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my behaviour yet not willing to change it because I felt I deserved it.
Right now I think I’m moving up, SLOWLY, but surely. I had a really hard couple of days.
There was a lot of self harm in the past few days and a lot of triggers. Just something inside of me demanding me to harm myself because I deserve to be harmed. I needed to be in constant pain. Thursday was the worst I guess. I did harm myself and it just kept bleeding, I was too afraid to go to the doctors but after 5 hours (and the doctors being closed) I got scared. It still didn’t stop. I was supposed to go grocery shopping with my mum so I told her before hand that I did harm myself and it hadn’t stopped bleeding yet. (5 hours later) She looked a little confused and said ‘the store is only open till 8 pm’. It felt as a huge rejection (I don’t deserve medical treatment) and we went to the store. I was beyond angry and upset with my mother. After going back to the car after getting the grocery’s I cried and asked her why I am not important enough? At least not more important than grocery’s. She said she got confused and didn’t know what to do. I told her I did want to see a doctor.
Of course being VERY ashamed of harming myself and then going to the doctors, I came in with my tail between my legs and there was a very nice woman doctor who helped me. She asked me why I did it & I said ‘i hate my body’ she said ‘that must be awful’.. yeah, you can get angry about this but I do feel she meant it so I said ‘yeah..’. She asked me to see the wound and ofcourse now that I AM at the doctors it stopped! So it was still very nasty and since it had been about 6 hours it wasn’t anyting pretty. She said she wanted to stitch it up and make the scar more ‘pretty’.. but I told her she didn’t need to and I’d be ok with a plaster. For the first time the doctor was ok with wat I wanted with the wound. The area around it is still a but numb but I guess that’ll stay like that.
Yesterday (Friday) I did harm myself again and a lot, but not that deep. Which meant it hurt much more. So after breaking down again in front of my mum I did manage to go to bed that night WITHOUT cutting! Right now it’s saturday and it’s 4.43 pm and I haven’t cut. I am a little proud of myself, though I do feel the need coming up, I’m just gonna try to be ok with not cutting and not wanting to punish myself.
So it’s hard yeah.. but we’ll make it through right?
I really hope this is it. That this was rock bottom and I’m going up again.
Looking back at this year.. I have a lot of mixed feelings. It went ok as in I have therapy and got a lot out of myself, however I had a few down moments as well. Moments where I could have died if it turned out wrong.
I hope to be a little more active and a little more positive again.
They don’t even know you
All they see is scars
They don’t see the angel living in your heart
Let them find the real you, buried deep within.
Let them know with all you’ve got.. that you are NOT your skin.
Not ready to call myself an angel 😉 , but I do know I have a good part as well. I am not all bad.