It’s not as bad as it seems, it only hurts when I breathe

I guess I’m lucky I’ve had a few weeks of stability because it might be saving my ass right now. It might have built up my rational part a little, or given some strength to the rational/adult voice inside of me.
Because honestly, I feel like shit and suicidal. I’ve been crying all day. Yesterday was a big depressed day as well.

I know there is a huge possibility it’s all just hormones.

But it doesn’t make it better right now.

Rationality is telling me I have enough to live for, but emotionally I’m beyond done. I actually had ‘the talks’ again with my mother.

“Me; I want to die.. please let me die. I want to go”

Things that are ‘supposed’ to bring me joy, don’t. They barely even bring a smile on my face, which feels like a fake one.

Tomorrow will be a very hard day at therapy and I can’t help but think ‘fuck it all’.

And above all this, I feel so damn alone. Really like no one cares. I know people are seeing me doing well, and trusting me doing well on my own. But no one really asks me how I’m really doing.
Wednesday morning messed me up so bad. Therapy doesn’t even know. A few people on twitter approach me and genuinely ask me how I am, because I have been so quiet, and it actually breaks my heart, because THEY notice, how come the people around me don’t?

For the first time, in so long, I have the feeling my security blanket will not be enough when I go out. I feel like I have to carry around my ‘special sharp cutter’ just in case I need it. (Just like I used to)

 
What happened to me?

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Am I climbing up?

Hi,

I have been very quiet on Word Press and mainly just because I am ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my behaviour yet not willing to change it because I felt I deserved it.
Right now I think I’m moving up, SLOWLY, but surely. I had a really hard couple of days.

Trigger Warning
There was a lot of self harm in the past few days and a lot of triggers. Just something inside of me demanding me to harm myself because I deserve to be harmed. I needed to be in constant pain. Thursday was the worst I guess. I did harm myself and it just kept bleeding, I was too afraid to go to the doctors but after 5 hours (and the doctors being closed) I got scared. It still didn’t stop. I was supposed to go grocery shopping with my mum so I told her before hand that I did harm myself and it hadn’t stopped bleeding yet. (5 hours later) She looked a little confused and said ‘the store is only open till 8 pm’. It felt as a huge rejection (I don’t deserve medical treatment) and we went to the store. I was beyond angry and upset with my mother. After going back to the car after getting the grocery’s I cried and asked her why I am not important enough? At least not more important than grocery’s. She said she got confused and didn’t know what to do. I told her I did want to see a doctor.
Of course being VERY ashamed of harming myself and then going to the doctors, I came in with my tail between my legs and there was a very nice woman doctor who helped me. She asked me why I did it & I said ‘i hate my body’ she said ‘that must be awful’.. yeah, you can get angry about this but I do feel she meant it so I said ‘yeah..’. She asked me to see the wound and ofcourse now that I AM at the doctors it stopped! So it was still very nasty and since it had been about 6 hours it wasn’t anyting pretty. She said she wanted to stitch it up and make the scar more ‘pretty’.. but I told her she didn’t need to and I’d be ok with a plaster. For the first time the doctor was ok with wat I wanted with the wound. The area around it is still a but numb but I guess that’ll stay like that.
Yesterday (Friday) I did harm myself again and a lot, but not that deep. Which meant it hurt much more. So after breaking down again in front of my mum I did manage to go to bed that night WITHOUT cutting! Right now it’s saturday and it’s 4.43 pm and I haven’t cut. I am a little proud of myself, though I do feel the need coming up, I’m just gonna try to be ok with not cutting and not wanting to punish myself.

So it’s hard yeah.. but we’ll make it through right?
I really hope this is it. That this was rock bottom and I’m going up again.
Looking back at this year.. I have a lot of mixed feelings. It went ok as in I have therapy and got a lot out of myself, however I had a few down moments as well. Moments where I could have died if it turned out wrong.

I hope to be a little more active and a little more positive again.

They don’t even know you
All they see is scars
They don’t see the angel living in your heart
Let them find the real you, buried deep within.
Let them know with all you’ve got.. that you are NOT your skin.

Not ready to call myself an angel 😉 , but I do know I have a good part as well. I am not all bad.

xoxo
Brianna

Behind closed doors..

Hi,

Lol, is it me, or is Word Press changing daily? Weird font right now.
Anyway, I am more out in the open again. On twitter, whatsapp, facebook etc. However, not many people know what happens behind closed doors here.

Trigger warning! Self harm!
I had a major relapse in self harm. I had gone exactly 2 months without. Fell back harder than before. And I don’t even care.. I’m sorry but I don’t.
There is a big part in me who makes me punish myself. I need to, I must.. I went to the doctors yesterday with Polly (she was off work but went with me anyway, though she had to pick up her children from school a little later… 😦 so sweet) she treated and me and was very nice luckily, said I could always call her when I’m feeling down.
Had a talk with Brandon later on the day, which made me feel better. However a part of me, definitely not Peter, but I don’t know what, just a feeling I guess, just told me I needed to punish myself. It got worse and worse. I did try to resist by being in contact with people. Did self harm once more, and was too afraid to go to the doctors, (2 times in one day is just too much) and so now it’s just being open. I’ll watch it closely for infections till it’s fully closed. later that night I had to self harm again. I was just so tired of the whole day, and it was about 1 am, I wasn’t allowed to put on music, not allowed to touch my phone untill I did. I was so tired, and I knew it had to be of a certain depth but i just couldn’t. Made 2 small ones and went to bed.
Today I haven’t (yet?). But I feel the urge. Not as strong as yesterday though.

So yeah, I did self harm and to be honest I don’t care. Not right now. Today I had therapy and a talk with Brandon, and I kinda wanted to discuss how to make it through the weekend without the compulsive need to sh (self harm), but he changed the subject and I couldn’t bring it up anymore. Maybe it’s for the best, because I do know some people think when you pay too much attention to it, it’ll get worse. So acknowledge it and move in is probably the best. But I do feel this force/monster/demon in me, which needs to destroy me. And when will it be enough? I am bright enough to know, it never will. Not even when I’m dead, because then I can’t feel the pain anymore. So the goal from that part of me is to just keep torturing me for as long as possible. Have as much pain as possible. Not inner pain, but pain on my body.

I feel very ashamed of this and actually I wasn’t planning on writing it, but yeah, it is me, and it’s going through my head and I guess a part of me and my cptsd.
I do want to get better. But right now, I feel I need to sh to survive this period of time. I do feel like a failure, but then again, that is what I am so why make a deal about it?

It’s really hard for me to explain the amount of self-hatred and self-disgust I feel. It’s just really like I want a new body. I want my skin of, I want clean blood, I want the dirty-ness off. I can’t even look at my own body, let alone be aware of that MY fingers are typing this! I just can’t because then I’ll freak out (realizing what nasty-ass fingers are typing and those nasty-ass fingers are MINE).

I do need help, I really do. But I still firmly believe a clinic is not the option for me. I do think I need more than 2 day’s a week. Or at least more than 45 minutes individual a week. But a clinic is the completely opposite. I do need to maintain a (big) part of my own responsibility.

Monday I actually wanted to beg Betty to kill me. I think I even said to her that if she had a gun, I’d ask her to be a human and do me and society a favor and shoot me through the head. I was in tears, shit coming out of my nose and stuff, just crying my ass off. She kinda raised her voice at me at one point, not in a scary way, but it wasn’t the calm voice she always had. She said that it was ridiculous and I should stop hating (and talking so bad) about myself. Because I was a child.. and have no responsibility.
I do find it a bit comforting she raised her voice a little, it did scare me but also showed me she really means it. So that’s double… Might phone her tomorrow.. anyway Polly is coming at noon, so at least I’ll get to talk to her.

I am really NOT suicidal. Right now I’m at a point where I think death would be too easy for me, I need to crawl on the floor of the pain

yeah, I really hate myself. Well a part of me hates me, the other part of me doesn’t know what to think of me, but doesn’t hate me, at least not in the way that I feel I need to punish myself with sh.

So to sum it up; it’s a mess.
Need a second to breathe.

Wish there was someone here.. someone who would just stay with me. This are the times I wish I had a roommate.. I do have a spare bedroom, and could use the money (oh another fun thing! I don’t have much left for food anymore this month, because of an unexpected expensive bill from the vet and uhm.. yeah so if something else happens, I’ll just have to beg for food at my mums :’) isn’t this lovely. Another reason to sh. )so I could use the money, I could use the company.. I just really need it to be someone who I can still be myself with. I realized. I am in my early 20’s, an early 90’s kid and yeah this is the first house I feel at home. After almost a year I am settling a bit I guess. It’s ok for me to sit with my back against the room (instead of wall), I don’t feel like I need to be alert all the time.. there is no danger.. only from inside myself now.

Blablabla. Respect if you went through this all!

xoxo
Brianna