Am I climbing up?

Hi,

I have been very quiet on Word Press and mainly just because I am ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my behaviour yet not willing to change it because I felt I deserved it.
Right now I think I’m moving up, SLOWLY, but surely. I had a really hard couple of days.

Trigger Warning
There was a lot of self harm in the past few days and a lot of triggers. Just something inside of me demanding me to harm myself because I deserve to be harmed. I needed to be in constant pain. Thursday was the worst I guess. I did harm myself and it just kept bleeding, I was too afraid to go to the doctors but after 5 hours (and the doctors being closed) I got scared. It still didn’t stop. I was supposed to go grocery shopping with my mum so I told her before hand that I did harm myself and it hadn’t stopped bleeding yet. (5 hours later) She looked a little confused and said ‘the store is only open till 8 pm’. It felt as a huge rejection (I don’t deserve medical treatment) and we went to the store. I was beyond angry and upset with my mother. After going back to the car after getting the grocery’s I cried and asked her why I am not important enough? At least not more important than grocery’s. She said she got confused and didn’t know what to do. I told her I did want to see a doctor.
Of course being VERY ashamed of harming myself and then going to the doctors, I came in with my tail between my legs and there was a very nice woman doctor who helped me. She asked me why I did it & I said ‘i hate my body’ she said ‘that must be awful’.. yeah, you can get angry about this but I do feel she meant it so I said ‘yeah..’. She asked me to see the wound and ofcourse now that I AM at the doctors it stopped! So it was still very nasty and since it had been about 6 hours it wasn’t anyting pretty. She said she wanted to stitch it up and make the scar more ‘pretty’.. but I told her she didn’t need to and I’d be ok with a plaster. For the first time the doctor was ok with wat I wanted with the wound. The area around it is still a but numb but I guess that’ll stay like that.
Yesterday (Friday) I did harm myself again and a lot, but not that deep. Which meant it hurt much more. So after breaking down again in front of my mum I did manage to go to bed that night WITHOUT cutting! Right now it’s saturday and it’s 4.43 pm and I haven’t cut. I am a little proud of myself, though I do feel the need coming up, I’m just gonna try to be ok with not cutting and not wanting to punish myself.

So it’s hard yeah.. but we’ll make it through right?
I really hope this is it. That this was rock bottom and I’m going up again.
Looking back at this year.. I have a lot of mixed feelings. It went ok as in I have therapy and got a lot out of myself, however I had a few down moments as well. Moments where I could have died if it turned out wrong.

I hope to be a little more active and a little more positive again.

They don’t even know you
All they see is scars
They don’t see the angel living in your heart
Let them find the real you, buried deep within.
Let them know with all you’ve got.. that you are NOT your skin.

Not ready to call myself an angel šŸ˜‰ , but I do know I have a good part as well. I am not all bad.

xoxo
Brianna

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5 thoughts on “Am I climbing up?

  1. And neither are you a demon, Brianna. I did some minor cutting myself, back in the 1980’s, so I understand why our brains do this. It is about pain, yes, and making invisible wounds obvious to all. But it is also about power. We can not help but see our abuser(s) as powerful when we are helpless. They have the power to inflict pain and not feel guilty about it. When we self-harm, we are trying to take that power for ourselves, quite literally. We torture ourselves to prove that we hold that power now, not them. An early therapist told me to “Have compassion for yourself.” Would you inflict that same torture on a child, or an animal? I am certain you would not. You deserve to be treated as well as you would treat a kitten. =^..^= The next time you feel the impulse to self-harm, picture a kitten in place of the body part you mean to attack. Don’t hurt the kitten. =^..^=
    I am sorry I have not been keeping up with the blogs I follow; I went and signed up for National Novel Writing Month – I must complete 50,000 new words of prose in the month of Nov. It is the best chance for me to be taken seriously as an author, and that is very important to me. You are important to me also. Hold on to your own compassion, it is your right as a human. Sending you thoughts of comfort, -Katherine

    • Thanks for your comment!
      And no need to apologize for spending time on yourself!! I think it’s good that you do šŸ™‚
      Good luck with the 50,000 words! You can do it =) !
      The kitten thing is very good one.. painful cause it makes me realize I don’t care about myself but I do about the kitten, or something like that.
      Thanks =)
      Take care!

  2. Very helpful comment from Katherine Doe. Gave me more insight on selfharm. Thanks!
    Good one with the kitten also.

    And good luck to you, Katherine Doe with Nanowrimo. I would have participated if I had the time. I did last year šŸ™‚ Enjoy!

    And Bri, don’t forget the kitten šŸ˜‰ this is a very good one for you. Maybe you should even picture babygirl or her little brother =)

    • I love how we all learn from eachothers by just sharing our experiences here on wordpress! šŸ™‚
      Maybe next year again Justy?
      Yeah.. it breaks my heart picturing a kitten..and I almost die when I picture babygirl or her brother.. just the thought of it!
      Big hug sweety!

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