Feeling blue


I’m predicting this post is going to be a big blur of me rambling about loneliness and thoughts around that. And I think it might be hard to follow.

So, I’m still feeling sick-ish. It’s not that hard anymore, but it’s still kicking me down. I’m still in bed all day and then it’s bearable. But… I’m lonely. I have the tendency to just keep busy. But with being sick and all, there’s not much energy (well feel free to say, no energy) left to do stuff. But I just want to do stuff and I don’t even care right now if it’s working all day and all night long. Just let me do something, anything but think. Anything but being lonely here.

I miss you. And I think we all know who I’m talking about, but right now I can’t bear to say his name. A part of me feels like the most stupidest whore on earth, for feeling like this. And just writing that down, the other part disappeared. The other part was probably a little more healthy but the Peter-like-thinking destroyed it temporarily. Well, that’s ok.

At this moment, I just don’t care. Just give me something to do. No, better yet. Make me do something. Force me.
I know that won’t work. Because Brenda will start screaming eventually because she’ll feel unsafe or need rest etc. and then I’ll collapse no matter what.
But I just feel like I just can’t just sit here on my bed thinking about ‘you’, and actually thinking to myself.. realizing this;

I want you near.
You don’t want near.
I can’t do anything about that.

It’s as simple as that. And no matter how simple that is, it’s so painful. Because I can’t look into your head. My expectations have to be low, lower than the ground. Nothing is clear and though it never was, now it seems worse.
I’m so upset. And who knows, maybe I’m a lot more in my child-mode than I realize right now, because when I force myself to look back at my post, it’s not very adult-thinking.. and when I force myself to look at the last month rationally for instance, I’ve been doing fine with the distance between me and you. And I was honestly okay with it. But right now, I’m falling to pieces, the distance is breaking me up. Time and patience seem like my worst enemy, but I think I’ve got an unreliable friend on my side who is far worse than time and/or patience.  I just don’t know what it is yet.


Overload of tears

I can’t remember the last time I cried this much.
It can’t be that long ago, but I’ve been doing pretty ok, keeping myself pretty stable. Crying doesn’t mean I’m unstable, but it’s really a waterfall.

It started around 11.30 am at therapy. Got my ass whipped for speaking up. (basically > just speaking my point of view) Afterwards got all compliments from the girls for speaking up.
Anyway it didn’t help, tears came out. Unfair. No openness. Why would you kick my ass.

I don’t understand.

Right now, I’m still crying. Almost 10.30 pm.
I have periods of hyperventilating, although I do feel that’s more ‘Brenda crying’ because it’s very limitless. I completely drown in all sorrow and my own tears.

I can’t even grab Brenda’s hand and help her. I’m drowning myself. I’ve got my/our security blanket in my hand, all the time, and it brings comfort, a lot, but it doesn’t stop the tears from coming.

I feel completely broken. The road ahead feels shattered.
I feel like I’m standing alone, Brenda is shaking on her legs, trying to hold her own weight, standing behind me/hiding. And I don’t know what to do.

I really wish I had Abraham by my side right now. Not just because he gives the best advice ever. But because I’d like a hug. Brenda wants him around too.

I don’t think, well I’m pretty sure, I wont be going to therapy on Monday. I need the rest. I’ll go on Wednesday again, because 1. Brandon will be there (he’s the only half-save person there.) and 2. the ass-whipper is there as well. < Balance, right?

Right now you can really carry me away. My eyes are swollen. My head is about to burst. I am so upset, even the nap I had this afternoon (before the nap I cried, and after I woke, I started crying again!) didn’t regulate my feelings/state of mind.

What are my options?

No police for me please


I think it’s save to say I haven’t been in the best place lately.
I was talking to my friend Saturday morning about how I was feeling. To me, it was nothing new. Nothing weird, I didn’t say anything different. Or suspicious. Nothing I might not have said the day before for instance. Of course, I talked to him about how miserable I was feeling, and how I didn’t really see how it could get any better, and to be frank; how I wanted to die.
But to be honest? I said that to him Friday aswell.

Suddenly he didn’t answer anymore. Although I could see he had been online since then (Whatsapp). Well ok, I figured he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I was a little hurt but I can understand it can be a burden to talk about heavy stuff like that. So I just let it go.

50 minutes later the doorbell rang.. I opened and TADAA, the police.

‘Somebody phoned us, saying they were worried about you’

Well just to paint a picture. My heart as racing, I was beyond scared. Brenda SCREAMED terror in my head ‘ABRAHAM!!’, I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t even talk to the police. I just politely gave them my hand as a ‘Hi my name is……’ except, I couldn’t even say that. They asked me if they were allowed to come in. I couldn’t answer, all I could do was shake, and tears escaped from my eyes. I could notice one of them looking around and the other one focussing on my face (and my arm which is full of scars + a few fresh cuts). I was standing there in my pyjama’s, which means a tank top, and a short boxer pants. They were two huge men in uniform. Right in front of me. Very intimidating.

‘Can we go further?’
Brianna was still shaking and crying.
‘We’ll just go to the living room?’
Brianna was still shaking and looked at the living room.

I can’t even describe it. I know I texted my mum; Police is here. Get here now. < That I could do! Wow.
They started to ask me all kinds of questions. A part of me was still being smart, although Brenda was screaming, I knew… they’d put me in a cell if they take me.

One of the cops was real hard and not nice at all, he was very intimidating and scary to be honest. The other one was friendly actually, but unfortunately he didn’t say much. He did try to squeeze a sentence in when the other one was being so harsh and made me cry bad.

It all turned out ok.
My mum came, they left. I was ‘ok enough to not be taken away. I was not a danger to myself and/or others’.

But then I collapsed. I started crying like crazy. Shaking like crazy. I actually cried to my mum straight in her face saying ‘I need Abraham, mummy’.
I was sitting on the couch, she put a blanket over me and got me glass of water and my crisis medication.

Now, the day after…. I slept good thanks to the medication.
My house does not feel save. It’s like the police men are still sitting on the couch. Watching my every move. I don’t know what else to say except; my house isn’t save anymore right now.




Wrote a whole post about how I’m feeling and then I realized…… it’s stupid, because it’s about how lonely I feel and it’s all I can write about. So I just put it as draft.
I’ll state it here, short but powerful; I’m lonely.

So now that’s off my chest.
I had a little fight with my sister.

She used to call me a stalker and stuff like that, because I could get so caught up in the people I like. I found this thing on the internet about a little description about people like that and stuff, and I send it to her, asked her wat she thought of it.

She was all like ‘I think everyone is obsessive in some way’ BALBLALBALBALBLALLBALBLLALBAL. So, yeah sure, but that’s not the point. It’s a problem when it stands in the way of things. Otherwise everyone has OCD, everyone has PTSD, everyone has BPD, everyone is psychotic! Jeez -_-
She got all ‘know it all’ because she studied a form of psychology.
Then she said ‘with you it’s just insecurity’ ………………….. oh, I’m sorry, I can’t remember you taking some psychologic tests with me. I’m JUST insecure? If that’s the problem, well then there is no problem


and now she freaking denies everything by saying I’m just insecure.

I can’t remember telling here what goes on in my mind, BECAUSE SHE FREAKING PUTS ME DOWN FOR IT.

Last I told her something about 5 months earlier involving Abraham. And she said ‘Jeez, you’re not contact him are you?’ SORRY TROLL FOR WANTING TO CONTACT SOMEONE WHO HELPED ME. Unlike you 
Who does she think she is??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Bullshit when she said she thinks I’m having such a hard time. Freaking ass kissing.
Every time when I mention a boy’s name (it was someone who was on TV on The voice) she says ‘Who the fuck is that?’ or something like ‘Oh jesus, someone else again?’

Sorry miss PERFECT. I don’t have  FIANCEE who PAYS every damn thing for me. Who accepts my AWFUL personality. BRAINS TO FUCKING STUDY. SIzE DAMN 0 (size zero) WITH THE PERFECT CLOTHES. The ability to straighten that STUPID ASS HAIR. An Iphone, Ipad, Laptop, big ass TV prescription, super fast internet speed, SUPPORT AROUND ME.

I do agree, we should not diagnose everything, or make up a diagnose for everything. Because then nobody would be normal. Some things are just character or personality.

She doesn’t even know it’s the SECOND damn week, I have cried EVERY day, MULTIPLE times about being LONELY. Before that I was cutting the shit out of myself. And my memory doesn’t go far back, but I guess I was feeling very lonely before that (cutting) period as well.

I don’t tell her this stuff, because she’ll just be all ‘sad’ because I’m going through this. So I can’t even tell her, because she can’t handle it. And now I don’t, she thinks she knows me by calling me  ‘just insecure’ SWEETY, I WISH I WAS JUST INSECURE.

I am crying my ass of right now, begging in my head for someone to kill me, begging for mercy in some way. I HATE feeling misunderstood. It is just NOT that simple. Does she think I like sitting at home? Does she think I like being this FUCKING FAT? Does she think I like being this UGLY? Well I don’t.



Broken by life. Broken by this horrible world we live in.

I feel so damn alone.

By the way, I saw this wordpress blog post (the one that brought this whole thing up);

Then I searched on the internet for it, and found this wikipedia stuff;
And the wikipedia stuff is what I showed my sister.

Of course I do not think I have this disorder, it’s not even an official disorder. Like I said earlier in my blog, I guess the complex part about Complex PTSD, is that it looks like so much things (borderline, bipolar, ddnos, ptsd, psychosis, depression, anxiety) but it isn’t, because it’s ‘just’ a result of the trauma. And I was just thinking that the obsessive love thing, might be a small result as well. THAT’S ALL.
But they talk about ‘severe emotional injury’.. what is severe? I don’t think I had severe emotional injury, but just emotional injury.

Anyway, it feels like I should have shut my big mouth. What was I thinking trying to open up?

My sister doesn’t even know about the guys I talk to anymore, she always has negative comments on it! She doesn’t even know I went on a date a few weeks back. Because I know she wouldn’t approve. She’d just get annoyed and maybe even angry with me.

Of course I love her.. but this was just a slap in the face. Not just a slap, but a slap from her. Which made everything more painful.

Maybe not even a slap, but a stump, pushing me back into my cave. As if she’s saying ‘what the hell are you doing out here? Go back!’

She doesn’t need to hate me, I can do that all by myself.

Well.. I guess this is rejection? Or not?
I don’t even care.

Just want rest. Let me do a hibernation. I’ll wake up in April or something like that. Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll feel a little more rested then, and maybe….. maybe… I’ll have a little more strength. And maybe.. the flame of hope will be lit again. I just don’t have any matches or a lighter left.

I really hope I’ll be done crying soon, than I can go to sleep.


Tears wash your soul?


A long time no writing.
Yeah, I had pretty hectic days. A lot of emotions. Still do, but I want to write something. Just get things off my chest.

Therapy wise is probably the best for me not to talk about right now.. just to stall it to monday.

Loneliness is still a big part of my life. I do make a little more contact, like when I go outside, I brush my hair, put on some make-up +earrings. So when someone does recognize me, I don’t need to feel ashamed of being outside while looking sick or something.

The past week every night ended in me crying, waking up with ugly swollen eyes.
Broke down in front of Polly as well.

My mum has been here every night the past week, I’m really feeling low and down. Though I have my good moments as well! But the thing that reminds me the most is just the tears, a lot of tears.

Right now my mums kitten is here with me. He’s staying till Sunday cause my mum is going out-of-town tomorrow (Just realised this right now. out-of-town means she won’t be able to come over if I need to!!!! SHIT!) so he’s with me. Baby girl is pretty angry at him, baby boy is ok. And the kitten is very afraid. He did hide a lot around my mum, but she left like an hour ago, so now he doesn’t really seem to know what to do. Poor thing 😦 wish I could tell him she’s coming back for him sunday. And that he’s save and okay with me/here.

I feel a little stuck. But I do feel ok.
I don’t even know what I’m writing, like, I’m just blabbing.

It just feels to dangerous to go into detail about therapy for example, which has a big part in my head right now, because I’m afraid it’ll trigger a major reaction.
Right now, just keep going without feeling. Gonna focus on kitten feeling save here.

And just trying to express my feelings with quotes + songs + pictures =) that usually calms me down. Like there is a way to let the things out I want to say, but I just don’t know how. But with the quote/picture/song I do..

So here are a few;

When you lose someone, you don’t lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time. ~ Simon Birch

Since you’ve been gone… Every morning when I get out of bed, I look into the mirror hoping to find my smile. But as usual, no smile. I look and I look, but it’s nowhere to be found.
I keep my eyes peeled wherever I go, but still no luck. When I try to think just where it might be… I can’t help but wonder.. if maybe you know where I left my smile,
’cause the last time I saw it, I was with you.

Don’t want to leave,
but we both know
Sometimes its better to go
Somehow I know we’ll meet again
Not sure quite where and I don’t know just when
You’re in my heart, so until then
Wanna smile, wanna cry
Saying Goodbye ~ Muppets Take Manhattan

Good-Bye is an easy word to say but try saying it to a friend. If I never knew you, I’d be safe, but half as real, never knowing I could feel.~Pocahontas

I miss you like hell
Even though you’re still around
The fact you don’t want to talk
Makes me go insane with the pain
I feel inside my chest
Gasping for some air
I know will hurt when I breathe
Because every breath reminds me..
I can’t live without you

I just wish the people who left, were still around. Well actually it’s just 3 people. But I miss them so much. (Oh, here come the tears)

After a while you learn to live half alive, until something reminds you of the part that is missing, and then it’s like I can feel myself living half.. like there is this huge part missing, and nobody is able to live with half of their body, it just not possible. It’s like I’m dying, slowly, but surely. The pain eats me up alive. (And I AM well aware that with my moodswings, within an hour, or maybe just 15 or 30 minutes, I can feel like the happiest girl in the world. But that really doesn’t make this any less painful right now)

I don’t really know where I’m going. It does feel like people will think I’m exaggerating and being a drama queen. But isn’t a part of the cptsd/moodswings that every little thing feels 10 times more intense?
I don’t know who measured that

Anyway, feels like a lame-ass post. But I’ll post it anyway.

To sum it up; I feel a little bit lost without you & I’m a bloody big mess inside 


Acting like a child


Sorry, sorry, sorry. Again, kinda pity and negative. I’m trying to kick my own ass to turn it around. Might be a little triggering as well! 

Everything in me screams ‘NO! I don’t want to feel, go away. I hate you. Help me. I can’t do it alone. I CANT DO IT ALONE. I NEED YOU. Help me. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to feel bad. I feel terrible. I want this to go away RIGHT NOW. You need to take this away RIGHT NOW. If not I will scream and cry till you will. You must. You need. You are obligated to. HELP ME. I wont let you go till you help me. I am gonna hold your leg till you help me. I can’t do it alone. Really not. Help me. Carry me. Hold my hand. Never let me go.’

Yeah…. I hate you too Brenda. I see the ridiculousness about this. It’s really stupid. I am an adult. Stop acting like that!! Shut the peep up and go away. Jesus. I am honest, I don’t want to feel as well. But she’s just makes it sooo difficult to stay positive and hold on and endure. Because she makes me whiny and hopeless. She is the weak part of me.

Yep, to be honest. I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling.
Yes, I’m so hurt. But by what? I don’t even know? It’s this pain around my chest from the inside, but mentally you know.. with every breath I take I feel it. I feel crushed from the inside. Yeah.. my chest. Feel like crying.

I’m going to stop focussing on my body now, because I can’t handle that for too long. My mind will shut my body out and it can take forever for me to move again.

So I have to continue to go on in my head. Sorry, but this makes me so pissed as well. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this stuff? What is the ‘right’ thing to do? I can’t call the treatment because there is crisisteam/emergency-backup nurse and psychiatrist are available, but for crisis. But yeah, if I continue like this, I might end in a crisis. And you know it makes me SO tired. So tired to be this emotional the whole day. Not just emotional, but also my emotion swings from left to right. And then just have these intense down moments, and feel this pain and I don’t even know why. I only know everything in me naturally fights to get it out. To stop it. I have to let it be. It’s like I have a battle IN SIDE MY HEAD. Me versus Brenda. And she’s so annoying. Whine this. Whine that. SHUT UP. It’s not helping anyone to be so whiny.
but I have to endure….. so I can’t distract unless I’m at my limit. Where is my limit. Jesus, why can I only talk to miss Betty once every 2 weeks.I mean, am I supposed to freaking do the rest alone. Yeah, cause magically I’m supposed to know all this stuff. YEAH IM DEMANDING. If she doesn’t like it, she can slap me in the face. I’d love for her to do that. Come on, slap me. Hit me. Kick me. Pull my hear. Yell at me. Curse at me. Come on… I know you want to. DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really, I want someone to hit me. Then it makes sense for me to feel like this I guess. But come on, hit me. Kick me. HURT ME.

I CANT COPE. The tension is ALL OVER my freaking body. In my arms, I feel the need to sway my arms and legs all around. Sitting still and calm does NOT feel good.

Driving myself insane like this.

I’m so sorry. And I am so ashamed of myself. That this is me. That I’m actually thinking this. That I’m actually writing this. I am ashamed of being me. I feel like a disappointment. Like a fail.
This is NOT meant as pity! I truly feel this. And to be honest… you must understand why, right? Seeing how I’ve been falling down and standing up the last 2 months? Understand that the constant falling down may be a part of the road, but it doesn’t make me feel better about myself. On the contrary, it makes me hate myself. Feel disgusted by myself. Look down on myself. Why can’t I just act NORMAL?

Don’t even know how to end this post.

I’m sorry.



Uhm.. Where do I start?
It has been a very intense day (full of therapy). A lot of emotions.
I am still very emotional right now, crying about every little thing.

I had a talk with Betty, we talked about 100 things.. but one thing is still very clear in my mind. For the first time she asked me about the ‘mess’ in my head. She often asks me what is wrong, or other therapists do, and I always tell them its a mess in my head. I did tell her in the beginning of our treatment that I do act childish sometimes and feel childish and stuff, but today she asked what the mess looked like. I told her about Brenda. But also stated very clearly I believe it is not DID. She didn’t agree, but also didn’t disagree.
She did say it might be good to take some new dissociation tests.
I’m just scared… Brenda is too. She asked me about Abraham today, I told her he wasn’t here anymore and that we’d make it on our own. But she started crying, and so did I. I felt so alone, and that there’s no one to be strong for me. No one I can talk to, who can tell ME it’ll be alright. I have to tell her, but who will tell me? I just have to believe in myself.

I know people around me believe in me, my best friend, my sister, justeramaajarvi.

I am just really unsure about my future now there. I am in a group for emotional problems (with cptsd), there is another group for dissociation problems (with cptsd). I do see the importance of that group, but I know, and have heard, that group is with people who have DID, and the therapy is focused on having and dealing with DID, sure other people with some dissociation problems can take some tips there, but it isn’t that fitting. I’m just really scared she’ll send me off there.. or even somewhere else.

I just can’t wait any longer, so I’m going to ask her tomorrow over the phone, because I feel really scared about this. Hope she wont feel I’m needy about this now, but I just have to ask her about it. I know she might not be sure about what to do, and stuff, but I just want to hear her thoughts on it. I understand that there’s no clarity about it yet, but she must think something right?

I’m just going with my emotion right now, it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be sad. But I can’t drown in it. Just keep swimming.