Being raised by therapists

Hi,

A very tricky part for me is to explain what trauma does to a developing brain. I’m really not good at it. I’m going to try to give it a shot.
The abuse has been in my childhood for as long as I can remember, and experiencing trauma creates a stagnation in emotional development. So basically, as I see it, I do grow up and learn to talk and stuff, but emotionally I was stuck at the age of trauma. (which also explains the big troubles with emotions, children can not deal with emotions > trauma happened to me at a very young age > stagnation > emotional child)

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about or actually write/type… I feel like I am being raised by therapists. I remember getting into a therapy group when I was 16 and leaving at 17, I was there for 13 months and they taught me some few minimal basic stuff. Like when I was feeling something, I really did not know what the word was, that went with the feeling. They learned me, it was disappointment. It took me 13 months to learn the word disappointment with the feeling (and I’m not even talking about mentioning it while I’m feeling it huh ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

It’s all these kind of small things, that therapists are teaching me. And actually I’m going from therapist to therapist, just switching and hopping from one to another. Bonding and breaking the bond.. hop on, op off.. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Today I had my final talk with Betty (which means I will never see her again) and she asked me what I learned in my 18 months at the treatment centre there, the question was referred to the contact between me and my mother. I told her that I learned to apologize for my behaviour to my mother.
It’s a known fact that my mother irritates me sometimes, mostly it relates to my youth and it’s triggering. Which makes me burst and scream at her.
It took me (yep…) 18 months to learn to communicate with her and to tell her later on (when I’m calm again) ‘sorry momma for yelling at you, I was upset because of ……… but I didn’t mean to yell’
They told my mother to tell me what my yelling does with her and how it makes her feel and to accept my apology.
After that, we’re good again.
(Side note; my age is 22)

I also learned that apologizing for my behaviour does not mean apologizing for my feelings, because that’s not necessary. It’s just feeling angry does not give me the right to yell at my mother and I need to take responsibility for my actions. (Wow, they taught me well ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

So, my biological mother and father can’t give me the parenting I need. But I sometimes really feel like I’ve got a lot of mothers (because most of my therapists are women) and a few dads. They do parent me. I just don’t get to keep them. Which is a shame sometimes.

xoxo
Brianna

Ramblings

I can do it, I am doing it. Living. I’m going out, I actually even smile and mean it sometimes. But mostly I’m not very happy. Especially since yesterday evening. It’s like a dark cloud is pushing down on me, while I try to move forward, I feel it’s pressure.

I’ve known Brandon (my psychiatric nurse) for 1,5 years now, and I think (even though 1,5 years is quite a long time) I actually trust him fully now. I really do. There is a time limit at my new treatment centre and it’s short… I’m actually pooping my pants already because in November I’ll be without Brandon, maybe just temporary, but I’ll be without.
When a part of me right now just wants to cling right on to him. I feel so down and bad right now.. I just want him to ‘make it all better’. The funny part is, when I’m actually sitting in front of him, I’m mostly quite calm. When I’m not, the only thing I do is stare at the ground (while crying) or at my lap, when he asks me to look at him, I refuse. I NEVERย search for the physical contact. Or even ask for his comfort with words.

I know there are a very few people who do have a person like that. But if I had a person who felt save to me, in my environment, I’d reach out to him/her and ask for help right now. Tell ’em how I’m feeling and that I’m kinda feeling stuck with it. I know there’s no clear answer or solution, but honesty helps.. and being heard too.. and distraction third. So, in the absence of that person. WordPress is my outlet, I’m gonna make internet or Netflix my distraction wrap myself in a blanket and try to soothe myself and dry my own tears. Because despite all of the shit, I still have myself, and one day it will be okay and enough for comfort.

Two sides

Well hello flu, long time no see

I’m feeling terrible again. Soar throat, coughing, full nose, high temperature, headache. I was sick in March twice, April 0, now May 1. Lets keep it like that.

Anyway, it always has two sides I guess. I had a lovely weekend. Saw the puppy โค and had a great sleepover with the girls from my old therapy group. So it actually is the best time to get sick, because being sick right now, means I’ll be better the 24th, and that’s the day I’m going to welcome the puppy home. It’s actually right in between two great things. So I do ‘have the time’ to be sick.

It’s just sucky that it triggers me.

So right now I still am doing everything to keep me balanced. I actually stopped taking the oxazepam, since it’s giving me weird dreams. If I’m having crisis I’m going to take quetiapine (it’s stronger, but ok). I’m sleeping on the couch. Creating everything as save as possible for myself and just giving myself what I need within the possibilities.

For instance, eating popsicle when I want to, carrying my security blanket around me all the time, sleep whenever I feel the need to.

xoxo
Brianna

I yearn for some credit

Hi,

When I look at myself right now and a year ago, a lot has changed. At some point I do feel nothing has changed (I can still feel like shit and stuff… but..).

But, I’ve got to say, I do get out of the house.
A year ago, I had therapy, twice a week.

So my week would be.

Monday – Therapy
Tuesday – Home
Wednesday – Home
Thursday – Therapy
Friday – Home
Saturday – Home
Sunday – home

I Hated the weekends, capital h, and I rarely did something outside.
I did feel like crap and all.

But here and now, my past/current week:

Monday – Met with a friend in the afternoon, later went to a festival with another friend and had some drinks with her, came home about 11 pm
Tuesday – Justy came over and had a nice afternoon/evening with her
Wednesday – Home! (Oh no ๐Ÿ˜‰ )
Thursday – Met with another friend and spend the whole afternoon with her and in the evening I went to work.
Friday – Home. I spent some time with my mum.
Saturday – I’ll go visit my future puppy (I’ll explain later) & will go over to a friend for a sleepover with other girls
Sunday – go back home but meet with another friend in the afternoon.

I see difference…. Don’t you? Besides! The first friend from monday + the friend from thursday where both people I reached out to because I felt I needed some contact.
Even when I feel I have no one to reach out to, I can even go out side and just walk around and it’ll make me feel a little better.

Maybe they’re all small things, but it’s a real big difference to me.

About the sweet little dog. I’m getting a puppy ๐Ÿ™‚ she’s real small right now, 5 weeks actually, she’s still with her momma, so I’m just gonna pay a visit. But at the end of May I’m allowed to take her home ๐Ÿ˜€ .
Then we’ll be a family of four ๐Ÿ™‚ with my two cats and me.

That’s me…
Doing pretty ok actually with the oxazepam in me. I’m almost afraid to say it out loud, or even type it. I don’t want to jinx it.. but I’m being stable.. just looking at my life week by week, and it’s ok ๐Ÿ™‚

xoxo
Brianna

The medicated world

Hi,

Sticking to my medication recipe; 24/7ย zombie by oxazepam + normal medication (topomax and prozac)

There is this huge part of me who fights against taking the extra’s. Because I don’t want to rely on that kind of medication. But it’s 11 pm right now and I haven’t cried for at least 3 hours right now, and that is really a record! Sure, I have felt depressed and have been sitting on my couch staring. Made rude comments to people saying ‘life sucks’ and ‘who cares’. BUT I haven’t cried.

So maybe there’s a plus size to this whole zombie oxazepam thing.

Today I phoned again with the therapist (it’s the second time I did that) and it’s already getting too much for her. She actually told me to go talk to Betty. While she knows I can not talk to Betty. I have major issue’s with Betty, Betty knows and even put that in my file. Felt a bit irritated by that, but ok. We’ll see tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’ll have to work again. I AM gonna take my medication, but I will take it around 2 pm, then when I go to work, it wont be to strong anymore and hopefully people will get their drinks properly.. and their change of course.

Saturday I’ll be going on a birthday party (with sleep over) which should be fun. It’s from one of the girls from therapy.
Sunday there’s something fun to do at work, in the afternoon, so I’ll go there as well.
It seems like my weekend has got some distraction at least ๐Ÿ™‚

Current state; head above water, finally!

xoxo
Brianna

Inside and outside

“Wow you’re so lucky, your mother is so great”

I had a birthday party quite recently. My birthday party.
I invited the girls over to my place, which was the first time for most of them.

They were all flabbergasted about the huge size of my apartment and the fact that my mum got this arranged for me. And of course I heard the sentences “you really have a cool mom” and “you’re really lucky with a mom like that”

A part of me was really hurt and another part felt like it wasn’t ok to feel hurt. Because it’s true right? My mum bought a house, so I could go live in it, before she could.

I talked to Justy about it (I talk to Justy a lot) and there are a few details left out above.

My mum bought this house so I could live in it = correct. (I still pay a lot of money every month to live here btw)

But.. my mom bought me this house BECAUSE I could not live with her anymore. And why not? Because she was living with her boyfriend (aka a replica of my dad). He triggered me so much, he made my life terrible. And she was not able to stand up for me. Whatever he did, it was ok. He chased away my sister.. my mom did nothing. I got hospitalized because of him, we had an argument. She did nothing.

So it came to a point.
Am I going to stand up for my daughter or am I going to have to get her a place of her own?

Yep, she chose the second one. I am really lucky with a mom like that.

Where is my life jacket?

I phoned with the therapist I emailed yesterday. I’m predicting I’ll phone her again tomorrow since I’m crying right now.

Today I got the OK from her to justย zombie myself with oxazepam to deal with this. Basically and to be honest, there’s nothing to do against this kind of pain. And yep, it’s unbearable. So make it bearable with oxazepam.

I crawled back to bed and texted with Justy meanwhile I still felt like my inside was dying. My face was (and is) totally screwed up from all the crying. Suddenly Justy said; I’m coming over.

What a sweetheart โค it was definitely nice having her around. Although I do feel I was not much fun. I actually walked around with sunglasses because of my swollen eyes, but the cool wind outside did help a lot.

Right now she’s gone home and I’m on my couch again feeling like I’m dying bit by bit. It’s just never-ending nonsense! I really feel like calling that friend from yesterday (with whom I sat in the park) and just ask him to just hug me. Or for that matter even ask Brandon to justย hold me. But I know I’ll never EVER do that with Brandon.

And to be honest, that friend and me have a whole history and the big question really is, is it smart for me to go ask him for help? Rationally I’d say; no.
But emotionally (instinctively > dying > instinct wants to live > anything to live) I’d say; yes.
Or maybe it’s just pain and it’s automatism to want to stop it directly. To me it’s a hug. Well whatever it is… it’s out of reach.

“You have to try to get those kind of things from yourself”

I can almost hear Brandon telling me that. But how the hell can I get comfort from myself, when all I can feel is this big ball of pain. How is there any comfort in that?

“Stop fighting it”

I’m not fighting it. It just hurts. It’s killing me.

Brandon, where are you?

This happened to me

I ended my last blog post with ‘What happened to me?’

I think (with a lot of ย help) I figured it out.

Yes, I was doing better. I was getting stable. I think I have never been that stable in all my life. And of course I wasn’t the only one who noticed that. Of course Polly noticed.. and of course Brandon and the other people at therapy noticed.
Without pointing fingers (because I don’t want to do that) I know that people at therapy have been having a hard time, struggling more than me. And then there was me, being stable.

The most logical thing to do was, let me do my thing, and focus on the people who are struggling.

Turns out… I was stable, BECAUSE of the structured help I was getting. When that went away, I was still moving forward, fixing stuff on my own, but the cracks that opened up, by the punches of all the triggers, weren’t glued shut at the same pace as before.
I tried, I really did, and I guess slowly but surely I started tumbling down.

It’s been a terribly long time since I’ve had crisis twice in one day (yesterday). Crying and screaming because of inner pain.

I feel alone and lost. Lying on the ground, gasping for air like crazy, which make me thirsty.. but there’s no water. It feels like I am barely surviving.
Of course there are moments when I feel a little better, but as before, the moments last a few hours. And I just know, anything can knock me down right now.

Acceptance and CPTSD

Hi,

I have been really quiet lately, on here, on twitter on internet overall actually.

Looking back on the period I think I have been very busy with dealing and accepting and fitting the CPTSD into my daily life and making everything as normal as possible. Now I realize that sounds negative, but it really isn’t. Because I’ve been ok with it. Still am. There are moments I still long for the company, but there are moments I just go out and squeeze myself into the crowd and try to be ok with what I can get from that, and strangely enough, it makes me happy.

I seem to have the best medication combination for myself right now (it took me 7 years to get to this combination so I think it’s ok to have found it by now ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) and step by step… maybe… I’m just moving forward.

Is it easy? No, it’s not. For instance, yesterday I got triggered real bad at therapy and there was absolutely no space for my problems. Brenda was very upset.
I had to deal with it on my own even though there were therapists around me. It made me a little angry. Why should I do this all alone? You are here around me!
But in the end, I’m glad I calmed her down by myself.

I’m still scared, and I still get upset. I still cry like a baby sometimes, and grab on to my security blanket like there’s no tomorrow, but somehow I seem to survive that every time.
Maybe it’s just what it is, right now. So, instead of trying to reprocess all the trauma, I’m trying to accept the trauma, and still be happy with my life. Still be smiling.

Although right now, I’m having a sad moment.. (I know it’s probably PMS) I feel I have more distance at the whole situation, instead of drowning in the sadness I feel.

Now I’m gonna take Brenda and myself to bed, because staying up while I’m this sad, is never going to do any good. I could use the sleep anyway ๐Ÿ™‚

xoxo
Brianna

Coping

Hi,

After my big (dark)-blue cloud, and writing the blog post on here, which really helped. I realize just writing here, and being honest and open and getting the support from fellow bloggers is so helpful, which I think kind of lifted me up. Maybe I just wanted to be heard. To be seen, within my loneliness.
Even if it’s from a distance.

Since I’ve been sitting at home, inside all day, with this stupid cold. I wanted to go out, but not alone. I wanted to ask Abraham (yup, we can use the name again. I think being heard and seen made me a lot calmer and I think I knew what I needed, so I wanted to ask Abraham) to go for a walk outside. I knew, the chances of him saying yes were 0,001%, but I just wanted to ask him. He said he wasn’t in town.
And then this weird thing happened. I was like; well okay!
I texted him back; ok!
And I didn’t even really mind the fact that he said no. But I really enjoyed the clarity of the no. I don’t need to sit all evening doubting myself if I should ask him. Or maybe even cry because I feel so alone. I actually felt quite good. Maybe some other time.

I cleaned the house a bit, did the laundry (I was real behind on that), I even cooked myself some dinner (may I add that I haven’t cooked in the last 9 months) and right now I’m pretty tired so I’m going to go to bed.
Tomorrow Polly will come (hopefully), and I’ll be going to the pet store, because it was baby girl and baby boy’s birthday today! They turned 6 ๐Ÿ˜€
I’m such a proud mum ๐Ÿ˜€ I’m gonna buy them 2 toys and a little treat.

Here a picture of them I took today ๐Ÿ™‚

babyboy babygirl

 

xoxo
Brianna