Walking in circles

Hi,

I called the psychiatrist today because I’ve been taking oxazepam for quite a while now (daily). He suggested a type of heart medication, that lowers my heart rate and blood pressure, I wont be able to get scared because my heart just can’t beat faster. I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks this is freaky?
I already refused a lot of medication he suggested due to my overweight (I weigh more than 100 kg/15 stone/220 pounds). I really don’t want to gain more kilo’s 😦 ! Food is so complicated for me. He doesn’t seem to get that.

I am getting really frustrated and hopeless. I feel everyone (Brandon, Polly, psychiatrist, myself) is trying to fix a little part of me, and in the end it’s just not working. Because I stumble on other things and I shove them forward to (for instance) Brandon, and then something comes up which I shove towards Polly (because it fits her workfield) etc.

Right now I am angry with the psychiatrist. I asked him for some time to think about it, though I already know I don’t want the heart medication. And I can feel myself in a  ‘fuck you/whatever’ mode. I don’t care anymore. WELL, fuck my sleep then. I’ll just cut my way through the night. And don’t they dare say anything about that! I’ll do it in my own way. THEY DON’T CARE ANYWAYS. Freaking heart medication. That’s ridiculous. I am not too difficult, in my opinion. I have antidepressants, antipsychotics, antiepileptics etc. But I just don’t want anything influencing my heart.

My urge to self-harm is real big right now. I feel I’m not worth it. He told me he’d fax a recipe for oxazepam to my pharmacy (while I was thinking about the heart medication, so a recipe for 2 weeks maximum). He never did!!!!! It’s the 3rd time he told me he’d do something for me, but never did.

xoxo
Brianna

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Cruel?

WARNING! This post contains TRIGGERS! 

 

Am I being cruel if I say I wish I died during the abuse?
That I wish I died before my mum got divorced and moved out of the house with me?
Am I ruining the chance others didn’t get?
Am I being ungrateful for the opportunity others clearly did not get?
Am I being unthankful by chosing or wishing death? While I have the option?

I just wish it because while I was being abused I never saw a future without to be honest, or maybe I did.. I don’t really know. It’s all really blurry in my head. I do know I wanted to do porn and stuff, but part of me must have hoped this would be over sometime? Or maybe not? Because otherwise I wouldn’t have tried to commit suicide when I was 13.

I wish I died before I was 16 because I didn’t know anything else but abuse. Of course I saw it in movies and stuff, but it was faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away and this was always very accurate;

At some point the safest place was my bedroom, however, the bedroom was IN that home! How stupid is that?!

Right now I’m seeing all these opportunity’s. These people have gone from my life and new doors have opened and yet I still cannot get past it. I’m still stuck. Almost as if nothing has changed (in my head).

Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain

I feel cruel for thinking.. this, let alone writing this. Disgusting and a disgrace.

But a part of me is just thinking ‘its not about comparison.. it’s just about me wanting to be dead and I just link it to the abuse that happened to ME and that is still wandering in my mind of which I just think might as well have killed me in the first place because I feel it will in the end anyways’.

Gross, what a depressive post.

Gonna go eat something and just go to bed early. Tomorrow will be the last therapy day for 2013… yikes!

xoxo
Brianna

Arghh

Hi,

Wrote a whole post about how I’m feeling and then I realized…… it’s stupid, because it’s about how lonely I feel and it’s all I can write about. So I just put it as draft.
I’ll state it here, short but powerful; I’m lonely.

So now that’s off my chest.
I had a little fight with my sister.

She used to call me a stalker and stuff like that, because I could get so caught up in the people I like. I found this thing on the internet about a little description about people like that and stuff, and I send it to her, asked her wat she thought of it.

She was all like ‘I think everyone is obsessive in some way’ BALBLALBALBALBLALLBALBLLALBAL. So, yeah sure, but that’s not the point. It’s a problem when it stands in the way of things. Otherwise everyone has OCD, everyone has PTSD, everyone has BPD, everyone is psychotic! Jeez -_-
She got all ‘know it all’ because she studied a form of psychology.
Then she said ‘with you it’s just insecurity’ ………………….. oh, I’m sorry, I can’t remember you taking some psychologic tests with me. I’m JUST insecure? If that’s the problem, well then there is no problem

THAT STUPID GIRL WAS BLABBING STUFF ABOUT HOW SHE COULDN’T HANDLE HEARING ABOUT MY PAST AND STUFF BECAUSE IT HURT HER SO BAD.

and now she freaking denies everything by saying I’m just insecure.

I can’t remember telling here what goes on in my mind, BECAUSE SHE FREAKING PUTS ME DOWN FOR IT.

Last I told her something about 5 months earlier involving Abraham. And she said ‘Jeez, you’re not contact him are you?’ SORRY TROLL FOR WANTING TO CONTACT SOMEONE WHO HELPED ME. Unlike you 
Who does she think she is??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Bullshit when she said she thinks I’m having such a hard time. Freaking ass kissing.
Every time when I mention a boy’s name (it was someone who was on TV on The voice) she says ‘Who the fuck is that?’ or something like ‘Oh jesus, someone else again?’

Sorry miss PERFECT. I don’t have  FIANCEE who PAYS every damn thing for me. Who accepts my AWFUL personality. BRAINS TO FUCKING STUDY. SIzE DAMN 0 (size zero) WITH THE PERFECT CLOTHES. The ability to straighten that STUPID ASS HAIR. An Iphone, Ipad, Laptop, big ass TV prescription, super fast internet speed, SUPPORT AROUND ME.

I do agree, we should not diagnose everything, or make up a diagnose for everything. Because then nobody would be normal. Some things are just character or personality.

She doesn’t even know it’s the SECOND damn week, I have cried EVERY day, MULTIPLE times about being LONELY. Before that I was cutting the shit out of myself. And my memory doesn’t go far back, but I guess I was feeling very lonely before that (cutting) period as well.

I don’t tell her this stuff, because she’ll just be all ‘sad’ because I’m going through this. So I can’t even tell her, because she can’t handle it. And now I don’t, she thinks she knows me by calling me  ‘just insecure’ SWEETY, I WISH I WAS JUST INSECURE.

I am crying my ass of right now, begging in my head for someone to kill me, begging for mercy in some way. I HATE feeling misunderstood. It is just NOT that simple. Does she think I like sitting at home? Does she think I like being this FUCKING FAT? Does she think I like being this UGLY? Well I don’t.

 

MY HEART IS BROKEN.

Broken by life. Broken by this horrible world we live in.

I feel so damn alone.

By the way, I saw this wordpress blog post (the one that brought this whole thing up);
http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2013/11/21/childhood-trauma-and-obsessive-love-disorder/

Then I searched on the internet for it, and found this wikipedia stuff;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive_love
And the wikipedia stuff is what I showed my sister.

Of course I do not think I have this disorder, it’s not even an official disorder. Like I said earlier in my blog, I guess the complex part about Complex PTSD, is that it looks like so much things (borderline, bipolar, ddnos, ptsd, psychosis, depression, anxiety) but it isn’t, because it’s ‘just’ a result of the trauma. And I was just thinking that the obsessive love thing, might be a small result as well. THAT’S ALL.
But they talk about ‘severe emotional injury’.. what is severe? I don’t think I had severe emotional injury, but just emotional injury.

Anyway, it feels like I should have shut my big mouth. What was I thinking trying to open up?

My sister doesn’t even know about the guys I talk to anymore, she always has negative comments on it! She doesn’t even know I went on a date a few weeks back. Because I know she wouldn’t approve. She’d just get annoyed and maybe even angry with me.

Of course I love her.. but this was just a slap in the face. Not just a slap, but a slap from her. Which made everything more painful.

Maybe not even a slap, but a stump, pushing me back into my cave. As if she’s saying ‘what the hell are you doing out here? Go back!’

She doesn’t need to hate me, I can do that all by myself.

Well.. I guess this is rejection? Or not?
I don’t even care.

Just want rest. Let me do a hibernation. I’ll wake up in April or something like that. Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll feel a little more rested then, and maybe….. maybe… I’ll have a little more strength. And maybe.. the flame of hope will be lit again. I just don’t have any matches or a lighter left.

I really hope I’ll be done crying soon, than I can go to sleep.

Brianna

You make me wanna hit you

Hi..

So uhm, this is probably gonna be a big complain post.

I had therapy today and a talk with Brandon.

Therapy didn’t go all too well, but ok. The individual talk, was horrible. I get SO depressed sometimes after talking to him. I don’t just feel like he ‘s pointing out my flaws but throwing it into my face and rubbing my nose into it. Like, STOP.
I really wanted to sit on the ground and just make a whole scene out of it. Throw stuff at him. HE DOES NOT GET ME.
I feel really misunderstood and I know it’s a trigger for me, but really… the feeling was awful. I did text my bestie right after and let the whole thing out and it felt good, had a nap and now I’m ok.
But just thinking of the damn talk makes me go crazy again.

I just really DONT think they can help me there. I’m not saying they’re not specialized, but like HELP ME! Brandon wanted to discuss some details with me about something trauma related, and I’m just like ‘are you serious?’ I just went to the doctors for self harm LAST FREAKING WEEK. I am NOT stable, why don’t we work on that!!! Or all the other stuff like the outer layer of the onion, he just cuts right through it. And then I’m stuck with myself the rest of the weekend. While he goes home to his family and has a wonderful time. I ‘m getting so frustrated with him and honestly I feel like just quitting my therapy there. I’m done. Why should I stay 6 more months there just to eat out of my damn nose and crawl on the ground. It’s a waste of my time. Specialized? My ass! I am NOT a rare type of cptsd, why is this so DIFFICULT? I feel like screaming and yelling at everything till someone comes and comforts me.
Like nobody (who needs to) understand me, understands me. Like my bestie does and Justy does, but the therapists don’t. They don’t even know me. They don’t even know my grandma is like the world to me. They don’t know about my big spear of spiders (Which makes me suicidal within 10 seconds/triggers me/I see flashbacks of spiders). They don’t know how I feel and think inside. What goes through my mind every damn day. That I  have been crying myself to sleep the last few nights and woke up with the biggest ugly swollen eyes ever. I have been so sad and crying because I feel so lonely. With their stupid behaviour they keep like teasing me. I really feel like kicking and screaming at them.

I am really not sure if it’s a good idea for me to go there on monday. It’s not helpful when I get the feeling I’m a lost cause, because I know I’m not. I just think I need someone who understand me better and maybe has a little more time. Brandon told me to ask Betty about seeing her every week for the last 6 months now. But she’ll probably think about that for 2 weeks and by then I’ll be buried under the ground. Ok, sorry, I hope not of course, but I just can’t even see myself 2 weeks from now. I’m worried about the rest of this week.
So maybe I’ll just go to therapy for the talk with Betty and not the group.

I feel they’re not being honest with me? IF they think I’m a  lost cause, then tell me! We’ll work on the whole euthanasia. Am I not a lost cause, THEN TELL ME WHAT THE PLAN IS FOR THE NEXT SIX DAMN MONTHS!

Can’t  handle me? That’s ok. BUT TELL ME. Don’t swirl me around till the time is up and then just ship me off to someone else.

I know I wont get Brandon to really like yell and stuff, he’s always calm and today he even smiled when I Was getting so frustrated. Like, WHATS SO FUNNY?
In that exact moment, I do not feel able to control myself. I really feel like screaming my lungs out to him just so he’ll understand how I feel or how this situation makes me feel

I’m getting so frustrated and angry. Of course it’s a big treatment centre and I’m not the only one there, but if you don’t know what to do, then at least say it.
Like when I told him that, he started blabbing about me not wanting to discuss details. There was a damn spider waiting for me at home in the living room, excuse me FOR NOT WANTING TO COMMIT SUICIDE TONIGHT!

I am unreasonable I KNOW THAT.

Fucking shoot me then. Let’s all be done with it.

—

I’m sorry if I scare or shock anyone with my honest thoughts. I don’t mean to, but I do want to be open here.

Too much

I am angry!!

*stamps feet* (< that must mean I am angry right? I dont know any other word for that feeling/action)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

 

 

This is me inside:

This is me on the outside:

 

 

Gonna concentrate on my breathing now, this anger isn’t helpful at all.

I am doing my best! Aren’t I?

I’m sorry, this may be a little pitty-party. I’m a little upset, angry, confused, disappointed and hurt. But I do feel obligated to warn you about the high pitty-ness-content.

“After almost a year of treatment there is little progress with Brianna” – my evaluation from therapy

Hi..

Well thank you. I’m doing my best!!!! What is going wrong? If there’s something I’m doing wrong, why don’t they tell me? It can’t be the cptsd, because all the other women have that aswell. So why is there ‘little progress’…? The only positive thing they said is that I have become more open.. I seriously thought I was doing ok, but no.. I’m a freaking snail compared to everyone else -_-
Well isn’t that great 🙂 and in May I have to get out and go somewhere else, and continue my snail road.

Sorry, but I’m getting pissed. Why don’t they  just say that to my face? So that I can ask them what the hell is wrong then? But when I do that, I’m being too demanding and spoiled about myself. Because I want more individual attention.
Sigh -________________________________-
Feel like slapping myself in the face.

Yeah, I thought I was doing ok, also kinda slow, but hey, I’m getting the same attention as everyone else. So that can’t be too slow??

NEVER MIND.

Waiting for a call from Brandon. Been so scared last night and this morning. When it got light out, I did sleep a few hours and slept well. But who cares right? Ok.. I’m sorry, I’m just really pissed and disappointed in myself.
I don’t know why I’m talking to Brandon. He can’t say anything else but that I need to endure my sadness and fears. meanwhile distract myself with stuff.

Betty said that I have to stop telling them how bad I’m feeling because they get it. But, but…… ok……. so what’s next? I am focussing on the solutions right? Enduring and stuff, but it makes me so tired and so hopeless that it just goes on and on.

I’m just wondering, why am I doing so slow? And what is the difference between me and others then? What makes me so slow?

xoxo
Brianna

Am I a lost cause?

Simple Plan – Me against the world

“They want to watch me fall. 
I am a nightmare, a disaster.. that’s what they always say.
I am a lost cause, not a hero, but I’ll make it on my own.

You can sit there and judge me,
Say what you want to,
I’ll never let you win.

Me against the world.”

Disturbed – Down with the sickness

“Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant, I kneel
It’s seems whats left of my human side
Is slowly changing in me

There’s no turning back now. You’ve woken up the demon in me.

Open up your hate and let it flow into me.

Madness is the gift that has been given to me.”

Adam Lambert – Whataya want from me?

“But now… here we are.. so what do you want from me? 

Just DONT give up! I am working it out.
Please don’t give in. I wont let you down.
It messed me up. Need a second to breathe.
Just keep coming around. 

Baby you are beautiful, and there is nothing wrong with you
It’s me.. I am a freak. But thanks for loving me, cause you are doing it perfectly.

I think you could save my life.

Dont give up… I am working it out (give me the time) please don’t give in.
It messed me up.. I need a second to breathe.

What do you want from me?”

Within Temptation – All I need

“Why don’t I ever learn? 
I’ve lost all my trust though I surely tried to turn it around..
Can you still see the heart of me? 
All my agony fades away when you hold me in your embrace.

Dont tear me down for all I need
Make my heart a better place
Give me something I can believe

I’m here on the edge again
I wish I could let it go
I know that I’m only one step away from turning around.

Make it fade away, don’t break me down..
I want to believe that this is for real, save me from my fear
Dont tear me down…
For all I need

MAKE MY HEART A BETTER PLACE!”

It has been about 18 hours since I took the medication and I’m more clear again. Found myself listening to these four songs.

Brandon told me once about something called the ‘drama triangle’, I just literally translated it to English. Dont know if it’s called the same in English. It’s about (as far as I know) when after (as I guess) a childhood trauma you are in this triangle. Victim – Accuser – Helper.
Victim acts like a victim (after the trauma of course) and just waits to be rescued.
Accuser accuses every one else. Blames everyone except himself. (It’s simple explained, but I do mean abused people can become abusers and stuff like that. People who had traumatising childhoods who murder people as an adult. But that’s of course an extreme side)
Helper is someone who only focuses on other people and never looks at himself and just focuses on (for instance) helping the victim, picking up the victim, taking care of the victim, shushing things between victim and accuser etc.)

The ‘best’ position to be in (according to Brandon, and this is how I interpreted it) is to stand in the middle of the triangle. Within your own strength. Your own helper. Yes a victim, but realizing that you can do something about it NOW. Don’t blame others for what your actions are right now. And looking at yourself critically enough, knowing your boundaries, putting yourself first and not (for instance) focussing on a victim’s needs when you’ll have to cross your own boundaries to give them the needs.

As far as I know it’s a triangle in which people (more people) are in. At therapy they say my mum, sister and me are functioning in that traingle. Have been all our lives. Which makes it hard to step out of it on your own, when the other two people are still acting on the rules of the triangle.

Brandon made a joke once, about that my mum, sister and me have a club (which is the Drama Triangle) and to enter (my sisters fiancee for instance) you must accept the rules of the Triangle and also act like that. He said my mum was the chairwoman of the Drama Triangle-club of ours. :’)
I started laughing but actually it’s not funny at all…
I do feel demanding, I have therapy 2 days a week. But who can correct me the other 5 days? I wish there was someone who could see when I was acting wrong and just like make me aware of it, but without needing to be around me all the time.

Is the situation hopeless? Am I a lost cause? What if I’m very emotional (angry or sad or whatever) and am not able to think clearly, who will be there to kick my ass and point it out before I do something stupid?

I’ll be honest; my anger scares me. (Not that I want to kill someone, don’t get me wrong. I only know that I can become angry within 5 seconds (especially when I’m not drugged with heavy anti psychotics), and I’m afraid I wont be able to control myself. I have had blind-rage issue’s when I was younger)
My heart doesn’t feel like a good place.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. found the Drama triangle on google. Just to paint a picture;

It’s not right but it’s ok?

Hello,

Well I’m on a roll right now. I want to write about this because it is really bothering me.

Uhm.. i do feel I need to warn, because I’m kinda pissed right now. It’s not pretty what I’m writing.

Remember that guy I used to date? I named him Randy (The blog was called; Where do the broken hearts go? https://cptsd2013.wordpress.com/2013/09/17/where-am-i-now/)

Well… sometimes I still think about him.
And not because I like him, because I really really really…. DONT. I am actually kinda mad at him. For him to use me for sex and then just fricking walk away because it obviously meant no shit to him. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can’t treat people like that!! I’m really shocked, because I did think he was so different (which he also said to me ‘im not like most guys.. BALBLALBLABAL’) And then when I tell him about how it made me feel, he’s just like ‘you live in fairy tales (YEAH MY WHOLE FCKING LIFE HAD BEEN A FAIRYTALE) and you’ll see sometimes things just don’t work out’ UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *********, I KNOW THAT. Stop acting like you’re the best person in the world, because you really aren’t. And stop acting so superciliously. Because we’re all freaking equal okay? I’m no better than you, but youre also no better than me.

I really want to contact him. I feel so angry because not just of his behaviour but about the fact that he doesn’t even care I’m so damn hurt?! He doesn’t even deserve the fact that i feel hurt over him. luckily I’m not crying, because it doesn’t hurt THAT much. But I AM PISSED. I really want him to feel bad about what he did. Is this selfish of me?
You know when I hurt people, because let’s be honest, we all do.. Intentionally or not. I do feel bad about that. I don’t want him to commit because I got hurt, but just acknowledge that (in this case) he didn’t handle it all well. Look, when you hurt someone by rejecting them BEFORE SLEEPING WITH THEM, and they get hurt, sure… you can feel bad but you know you’re being honest. if you ******* me and just act all sweet and stuff and then just dump me because I freaking smoke (which he knew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I have a bad attitude towards life (yeah after you slept with me and dumped me I did!) and want to much clarity (well it’s true, I do need that). Ok.

I just want him to feel bad about that. Not in a ‘im a horrible person’ way (he acted horrible though) but just in a ‘oh, i really hurt her, I should take care that I wont do it again with another girl’ and maybe even say SORRY. Does he even know what that word means? I don’t want to ask for the sorry, because then I wont believe it. But yeah, to be honest, he can shed a few tears because over me.

But whatever he says, (unless it’s an ‘im sorry, I was being selfish, I see that now, i hope you find someone better than me’ (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, I wish) it will just hurt me. I know that. And that’s the only reason I am not contacting him. (yet…) YOU KNOW I AM JUST PISSED OK. I FEEL LIKE GOING TO HIS CAFETERIA AND JUST GIVE HIM A SLAP IN THE FACE AS HE DESERVES.

And most of all, I hate myself for STILL being hurt over this. Just freaking let it go. It’s not the first time someone used me for sex :’) it’s the first time I didn’t notice though… well he was a really good actor.. acting like he cared about me and stuff. The others did that too, but it was just so obvious they were just in it for the sex.

Ok, I  really need to calm down now and just wait a while before posting this. I might want to change something into something a little nicer……… although I don’t feel like I owe it to him. But to the people who read it.

—-

 

Well it’s about 2 hours later haha. I facetime-d with my sister and told her about my anger and frustration and hurt (we mostly talked about other stuff though 😉 ). She understood (she followed everything from nearby and even met him once) but she said its hopeless to email him about what I want to say to him. I wont get the sorry, and if I did, she thinks I wouldn’t be satisfied with it. She understands the frustration about how I feel it’s just not ok to treat someone like that and feel nothing about it. Everyone hurts others, that’s just a fact i guess. But when I hurt someone, a friend, an ex or whoever, intentionally (I feel really bad afterwards) unintentionally (I feel bad too!, but I know I didn’t mean to and in the example above I know it’s for the best in the end) However, I’m really not saying I’m a saint, really am not. But I just got so massively hurt by him, I never saw it coming and I should have started running a long time ago (Haha “over you” lyrics from Chris Daughtry 😉 )No I’m serious, I honestly don’t ever want someone to feel like that. I guess the element of surprise was the thing that made it hurt so much.

I AM gonna post this, because the last paragraph is the reason I am calm now. She confirmed my hurt, and understood it (my sister) but she also said it’s pointless for me to email him. I’ll just get hurt more. I don’t have the power to protect other girls like me from that kind of pain and the chance he’d listen to me is also 0,000001%.
So anyway, the last paragraph is valuable, to me in the future but maybe to others as well.

xoxo
Brianna

ps. Just read the post back (spellingcheck), I sound so arrogant :$ . But this is a blog where I want to be honest and give someone else a look into my head, thoughts and views. If you disagree with something, just tell me. I am not almighty and I make a LOT of mistakes 😉
I do want to state that this (the first part) was in the heat of the moment, haha. Well, I’m not gonna say I’m not pissed anymore, but I’m more passive about it now I guess. (It is what is it, only thing I can do is accept it and learn from it for in the future)

CPTSD; (crazy)PTSD, (confusing)PTSD or just (cracked)PTSD?

TRIGGERING!!!
Because of the huge negativity + details

Hi everyone,

You know what’s confusing to me?
I know I have (c)PTSD and right now, that’s the only diagnose I have of which they are 100% sure.

I do feel the PTSD is so complex, sometimes it’s like I have a lot of other disorders.

For instance, depression. I have been depressed from age 9 till 15. Luckily I’m not depressed anymore! But sometimes, I do feel depressed, just like I have a depression, I never want to wake up anymore, I do want to take all those pills I have in my house and just go sleep forever, I feel like I’m done and don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just DONE. Leave me alone, go away, I hate you, stay away, let me die. (& when those people leave I’m like; WTH you left me, you abandoned me)

Then I can get this major mood swing, and I can be (yep.. its ridiculous) the happiest girl on the world. Everything is beautiful, my life is beautiful (sure, it’s not perfect, but I’m happy with what I have right now), I feel like dancing and singing all around. Hugging everyone I can see. Believe the beauty is in everyone, that everyone can love and everyone only wants good things for others.

Moodswing time; im angry. I’m so pissed off. I seriously could just go destroy something. Just either cut myself, or just slap/kick someone in the face. Just beat them down. (I haven’t, don’t worry 😉 ). I can be very aggressive verbally, and it’s something I despise from myself. It’s unbelievable, what can come out of my mouth, seriously. I’m always shocked when my anger goes away of what I have said/thought. When I was younger, the nurses at the psychiatric ward were shocked of the things that came out of my mouth, and I said them with no emotion. Just calm. They say I’m manipulative. Which I guess I am. Another thing I despise.

Well, then my self-image. Somethings, I do think; well I look okay. I can see that someone might think I’m beautiful. But sometimes, I just really think I should be slaughtered for my ugliness, and I just can’t go outside, because I will just scar other people with my ugliness.

Sometimes my future is so bright, yep I’m in therapy right now, but I know I’ll make it. I really know I will.
Other times, nothing will ever get better. I just should kill myself right now.

I hate and love my mum. She is the best and the worst person.

I push people away, and blame them for leaving. When they won’t leave, I’ll walk away and blame them for not coming after me.

I’m incredibly impulsive, my money goes out the window in no time. I sell my body without even thinking about it. I can get into very intense relationships (friendships included) and just end them with no emotion and walk away.

I have this thing, when I’m in the car, I HAVE to click my fingers. It just calms me down. Nothing will happen when I don’t, but I’ll get restless.

whenever Brenda comes out, I act like a child. A stupid, clingy, silly child.

I do see things that aren’t there. I have for about 10 years now. I used to be very scared by it, not anymore. It’s just flashes of lights or just shadows. It’s mostly when I’m very stressed. It frightens me because I suddenly see something that wasn’t there before, but when I concentrate on it, its gone. So then I calm down.

Sometimes people think I have autism, because I do like things structured. I get triggered easily, so I want the things done in a way of what I know, the chance of being triggered are slim.

I do have periods where I hardly eat anything. Sometimes I just drink (Fanta/coca cola) and eat nothing. I never manage to do that longer than 1,5 day though. But I can get excited and proud of the weight I have lost. Sometimes I eat everything that is eatable. I don’t even care if its 2 am, and I’m eating pizza. After that I’ll just eat some chips and candy. Till I feel like I need to throw up (Which I’m terrified of, so I get scared)

I do have periods of intense supicious-ness, and just really thinking people are following me. I am very ashamed of this, but about 2,5 months ago, I wanted to kill my cats, because I thought satan was in them and was trying to destroy me. I have periods where I see people who aren’t there.
I do have to say, these things always happen when I’m very stressed out.

And as if it couldn’t get any better, i want to contact my dad. Why? I don’t know? What do I want from him? I don’t know? Do I want him to yell at me, curse at me? Yeah maybe. Whenever I see his face in my mind I get disgusted. Somehow I do not match that face with the word ‘dad’.
Now I’m all grossed out by myself. Motherfucking flashbacks. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Really, wth?!?!?!??!?! Someone drug me, before I do something stupid. -_-

Right now I have an IUD and probably will need to take the pill with it, yeah, why not. Lets just put all these hormones in me, that will help with the mood swings!

I feel weird, messed up, I feel like a freak.
Some say it’s suicide. I say it’s a war & I’m losing the battle

I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m sad. I feel alone. I feel dirty. I feel pathetic. I am confused.
Brenda wants to scream. Why would she? No one will hear.. no one will help.

—

Respect if you made it through that negativity.
Now I’m done. Jesus Christ. Stop being so negative Brianna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m just having a hard day, I’m having trouble seeing the light. I’m having trouble keeping my head above the water.
I know it’ll go over. It’s heavy right now, but it might be better tomorrow. And if not, then the day after that. I have to stop being so childish and demanding and victim-y. Be the adult that I am. Speak up. Stand up. Find the strength. Look at all the other amazing people on WordPress, fighting everyday. I can’t give up. I wont give up. Not on me. Not on us.

Going to go to bed, maybe pick out a movie first. I’ll just put on Annie.
Take my security blanket with me.

Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You gotta get up and try.

xoxo
Brianna