Forcing myself to have some contact

Hi,

As much as I’m smiling to the world outside, I’m not on the inside.

I really feel like hiding. No coming out until I feel better.
Today I woke up pretty early, but left my bed at 4.15 pm, just because I was feeling ok enough to move to the living room. I spend all the hours feeling desperate, not knowing what to do. Not even sure what I was feeling!

How can I describe what was wrong? I don’t know. I definitely felt empty.. hollow, alone. But I didn’t want any contact.

I did want a hug.

Despite all my feelings of ‘leave me alone’, I reached out to my bestie and told her how I was feeling (as best as I could) and talking to her did help a bit.

But right now I still feel terrible. I still feel like crying.  Like screaming. Like ‘PLEASE, SEE ME. HELP ME.’ But instead, I keep smiling at the people who want me to. The other ones I don’t even talk to, because I can’t smile.. I can’t fake. And they don’t bother starting the conversation. (It’s ok, there’s not much happy coming out of me anyway)

I want to apologize a hundred times to everyone, for not reaching out, for not helping, for not commenting or even liking, or even reading your blogs.

Polly cancelled our appointment today because she was having a crisis with another client. Understandable, but terrible timing.

I’m not okay. I am hurt by something, but I don’t know what. Therapy on Wednesday? Maybe. Well, it was pretty intense, so it could make sense. But just EVERYTHING. Please, can’t I just go into a dreamless sleep until this feeling goes away?

xoxo
Brianna

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Stillness

Hi,

I’ve been very quiet on here. I don’t know why. A lot of avoiding, not wanting or needing to write.
I went to de gp on friday, got some medication against the nausea and that really helps!
Yesterday I celebrated my sister’s birthday which was fun.

Another positive thing that hasn’t happened in a very long time. I woke up yesterday with this very weird feeling. I was like ‘what is this?!’ after a while of thinking I realized.. I’m feeling rested, haha. I did sleep real long and without waking up in the middle. When I woke up I felt rested and ready to  get out of bed! It was so weird but felt so good 😀

There isn’t really much news from my side.
I’m still very disappointed in myself (and maybe a little at Brandon) for not being able to process anything. Just focus on practical stuff and just forget the whole trauma. Feels like a ‘lets just pretend it didn’t happen’.

I hate having people ask me outside ‘aren’t you cold?’, since I wear a summer coat. Yeah, I’m freezing. But I don’t have money for a winter jacket, so stop remind me I’m wearing something that belongs with the summer ok?!
There’s snow here and ugh. Tomorrow therapy… I don’t really feel like going. I know I will though, but it’ll just be a battle. Especially since Brandon doesn’t work on Monday and Betty does, but I don’t talk to Betty anymore, so if there’s something wrong, I’ll just have to wait till Wednesday. BUT I’ll see Betty with the whole group.
I can feel the ‘rebellious-part’ of me be all like ‘we are not going to be nice to her tomorrow! Yet I know, I want her to see me. I want her to ask me if there’s something wrong. Because, yeah there is. Well, nothing big. I’m actually kinda okay. No crisis or anything. But I can’t even think about leaving the treatment there WITH my trauma.

When I started there, I thought in the end, when I’ll leave, I’ll leave the trauma there too… This just really sucks 😦

xoxo
Brianna

Repeatedly being slapped in the face

Hi,

I feel like I’m being slapped in the face, repeatedly.
Not just by memories of trauma. But by ‘everything’. Right now, I don’t really know why, my body is really aching.
My back (the lower part) hurts a lot. And I’m nauseous like crazy. Well, my back isn’t that much a problem (I walk like a grandma, but ok). But nauseous, causes some troubles.
Well the back too though, as anything that reminds me of having a body sometimes triggers, although back doesn’t that much.

Being nauseous right now, stops me from eating. The only thing I eat, that is bearable, are rice crackers. Otherwise, I’ll get so nauseous, which is triggering (I’ll go into that later). So it cuts the whole food thing off for me. At some point its good, I’m not able to eat a lot. But food has a function, it does help me survive in some way. So surviving right now seems harder somehow.

Being nauseous triggers me. I am terrified of throwing up. I can’t even begin to explain how scared that makes me. I have nightmares of myself (or other people, and me being around them) throwing up, and sometimes when other people around me throw up, the smell and sound of their throw up, makes me throw up in the end (in my dream).
Throwing up scares me so bad. It brings me in a constant state of panick. I have to do ANYTHING, to keep myself from throwing up. (Like only eating rice crackers, I’m not taking any chances!)
I’d rather have diarrhea all day, than throw up once.
I’m not sure why this triggers me, but it scares me so bad. I’m having a hard time even relaxing. Feeling  the need to keep my chin up in the air as much as possible (which is ridiculous, because that won’t stop me from throwing up in the end).

Usually I do avoid stuff that would possibly make me throw up. So this is really bothering me. This nausea is completely out of the blue! It feels like a nausea after an overdose. But I haven’t taken one! I remember it starting on the weekend, and it just got worse. I’m gonna call the gp tomorrow.
Anyway, it’s out of the blue. I haven’t eaten anything weird. I havent done anything unusual. And definitely not something that should last this long.

Can I just sleep or disappear till my tummy feels better?

xoxo
Brianna

Walking in circles

Hi,

I called the psychiatrist today because I’ve been taking oxazepam for quite a while now (daily). He suggested a type of heart medication, that lowers my heart rate and blood pressure, I wont be able to get scared because my heart just can’t beat faster. I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks this is freaky?
I already refused a lot of medication he suggested due to my overweight (I weigh more than 100 kg/15 stone/220 pounds). I really don’t want to gain more kilo’s 😦 ! Food is so complicated for me. He doesn’t seem to get that.

I am getting really frustrated and hopeless. I feel everyone (Brandon, Polly, psychiatrist, myself) is trying to fix a little part of me, and in the end it’s just not working. Because I stumble on other things and I shove them forward to (for instance) Brandon, and then something comes up which I shove towards Polly (because it fits her workfield) etc.

Right now I am angry with the psychiatrist. I asked him for some time to think about it, though I already know I don’t want the heart medication. And I can feel myself in a  ‘fuck you/whatever’ mode. I don’t care anymore. WELL, fuck my sleep then. I’ll just cut my way through the night. And don’t they dare say anything about that! I’ll do it in my own way. THEY DON’T CARE ANYWAYS. Freaking heart medication. That’s ridiculous. I am not too difficult, in my opinion. I have antidepressants, antipsychotics, antiepileptics etc. But I just don’t want anything influencing my heart.

My urge to self-harm is real big right now. I feel I’m not worth it. He told me he’d fax a recipe for oxazepam to my pharmacy (while I was thinking about the heart medication, so a recipe for 2 weeks maximum). He never did!!!!! It’s the 3rd time he told me he’d do something for me, but never did.

xoxo
Brianna

‘Not ready yet’

Hi,

Last thursday I had a talk with Brandon (and Polly came with). One thing that really lingered around in my head was that he said that it was a good thing for me to pick up my school work and study, and try to keep the past as it is. (something like that) And later in life, process it.

I didn’t really go into it, but it sure did shock me. What do you mean? Aren’t I ready yet? Have you given up on me? I’m going to be stuck with this stupid trauma for more years now?! How can I study with this head of mine?
As now I am having a little bit more  peace in my head, the thinking came up about this. (+ a lot of other things)

I really agree someone has to be ready. But I really wish someone would sit me down and explain to me clearly WHY he or she things I’m not ready yet. And there’d be no 45 minute time limit, just explain untill I fully understand. Give examples.

I do think I’ve grown a lot in the last year, I went from passive to more aggressive actually. You should see me in public now though, I’m either scared or ready to fight. Standing up for myself, not dealing with bullshit someone’s giving to me. Not afraid of telling them. I’m not someone who will shut up for your pleasure. Done that a long time, no more.
I’m a little concerned about this though, I do want to be self-assertive, but not in a aggressive way. I’m afraid with all the anger in me, it might explode.

On the other hand, I see how I can’t really communicate. Though I’ve been describing above how I can be very straight forward about stuff (an example was in a store, a woman was nagging to a man about me (While I was standing in front of her) that I jumped the queue, which I thought was ridiculous. So I just told her that I thought she was talking with her friend (2 metres from the queue) and just passed them and stepped in line. No need to bash me)
But another example is me not getting what I feel I want/need. Like my pills, or safety. And my way of easily communicating is screaming (Brenda/childish like). Well, it’s totally not an adult way of communicating, but it does (to be honest) explain what goes on in my head. It literally comes out. Fear/anger/frustration/panick/sad/pain, it all comes out in a scream.

To be honest, I don’t think Betty or Brandon appreciate me doing so much research on myself, so I’ve been holding all this inside and not telling them. But I’m getting quite sick of it. Because we may be wasting time on stuff right now, while I may have sorted things out. They may disagree with me, but that’s ok. We can talk about it then. But nooooooooooo, gotta let go of my past. Well sure, but can you tell my head that?

Sure there are a lot of things still very hard for me. I can’t even describe the flashbacks I’m seeing. The things I remember. I can’t even use the Dutch word for abuse. I just can’t get that out of my mouth. Brandon isn’t even allowed to look at me while I vaguely describe things sometimes. He isn’t allowed to call some people abusers.
I guess my head is still in a lot of denial.

Anyway, I guess what I’m feeling is frustration.
Right now the only possible way of dealing feels like throwing in a few oxazepam and numbing myself out (btw, I noticed, whenever I mention medication in my posts, I get a TON of spam!! Last time, I had 931 spam comments, in a week! All add’s (full of virus probably) on how to get medication)

xoxo
Brianna

Brianna & Brenda

Hi,

With every thing happening it seems it’s becoming more clear how my adult, rational part is deciding (me, Brianna). But also how the childpart of me still wants attention and needs help (with everything) and is stuck in her place due to the trauma (Brenda).

Yesterday I went to another city in Holland which is a big deal for me because I have had social anxiety issue’s in the past. I got on the train and was very nervous.
When I actually arrived at my destination, I didn’t know that station very well, it’s being rebuilt etc, I got into a little panick situation.

There were A LOT of people traveling and just going back and forth from platforms and just trying to make their own destinations. I was standing on the side, trying to calm myself down. But to be honest, I felt like Simba (you know, from the Lion king, when all those animals came down at him?). They were like a herd, rushing my way. Brenda panicked like crazy. Of course, there is not really any time to take account for personal space, but even when there was enough metres left, people kept brushing up against me. Against my back. I felt so intimidated.
Brenda was screaming in my head, yelling for safety. I was texting with my mother. Everytime the ‘herd’ was reducing, suddenly, it increased again. All I could think of was ‘oh God, not again, how am I gonna survive this?!’ The tears were knocking behind my eyeballs to come out, but I refused. I couldn’t start crying in the middle of the train station?!

I felt really alone, Brenda screaming. Unsafe. ‘Far away’ from home. I couldn’t think clearly.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t handle it and burst into tears.

I have talked about tendency’s earlier, (tendency’s like, not knowing how to say how I’m feeling, but only knowing what to do, like stamping my feet, or just sitting on the ground and waiting for someone to pick me up)
Well, another lovely tendency came up. I thought, or maybe Brenda thought, if I just go lie down on the track/railroad, the railway police will come and pick me up and get me somewhere save. (It’s crazy right?! And me, Brianna, knew somewhere far in my head, that save place was a cell, because they’ll think I’m suicidal and lock me up there) but I was so fixated on someone getting me out of there, because I can’t do anything myself.

Magically, the herd stopped, or the train left with the herd in it. And I found a train home, called up my mum to pick me up from the train station in my own city. I made it as save as possible. When I got into the train, I sat next to the train driver’s booth (as that felt as the safest place).

I ended up having a great day, I met with Justy (whom I met here on wordpress 🙂 ! ) and luckily I tend to label the whole day as it ended, so my Saturday was amazing.

But sometimes I do worry, what if I give in to the ‘helpless-Brenda-thoughts’?
Like the last blogpost about the topomax, I did end up going to the emergency pharmacy, but my mum wouldn’t let me go in. She knew when I got in, I might end up screaming my head off till I got my medicine. Which is just not an adult way of communicating. But me (in a Brenda-way) trying to communicate my frustrations of not having my medication and being afraid (terrified) of going into the night/weekend without etc. But they would just not accept that, which is logical, because after all there is an adult woman standing in front of them.
xoxo
Brianna

Financial Shit

Oh, how I love money.
Such a shame I don’t really have any.

So with my messed up asshole head, I’ve forgotten about the fact that I don’t have my topomax anymore. (topomax helps against flashbacks and nightmares) I found out last night I didn’t have any, anymore. Since the pharmacy only lets me take home a certain amount (probably afraid I’ll kill myself otherwise). Just because it’s SO simple to go to the damn pharmacy every time to get the damn pills. And not just that! Now I’ve forgotten them, with this stupid head of mine, I can get them at the emergency pharmacy but they ask for a lot of extra money just because it’s an emergency pharmacy. Well great, but I don’t have any money. My mum just paid my groceries today.
So I kinda have to choose between living on the edge of life, or going mentally insane because even the thought of nightmares make me have instant diarrhea, I will NOT go to sleep without any medication. Those nightmares are horrifying and I’ll wake up in total panic and there will be no one to help me. No one. Just as there was no one, ever.

Because I get help from Polly, I have to pay something to someone. There are two bills still waiting to get paid.
Of course it’s totally fair that I pay for Polly, since I chose to have cptsd, I have to pay for Polly helping me.

I got a lovely bill this morning, that has to be paid within 15 days or so, otherwise the bill will just get higher at the debt collection agency. When I found out, I cried my eyes out. Calmed down, called the company since it’s totally unfair I got the bill, and they knocked of 50 euro’s. Well that’s of course nice. But still there’s a huge amount open.

I have two cats who mean the world to me and they do need to be taken care of. Somebody mistreated them when they were little, and they are very vulnerable to illness as adult-cats due to that. They deserve the care.

My health insurance is another great thing, they also think I’m shitting out money, because they always send me a check in January for the whole (upcoming) year. It’ll be about €460. So that’s breathing down my neck all day long.

You know what other girls my age are doing? Buying clothes, going to the movies, going clubbing, going out for drinks.
I can’t afford to buy clothes. I can’t afford to go to the movies. I can’t afford a damn thing.
Whenever someone needs a gift, I hate myself for looking at the cheap things. I HATE myself for giving someone who I love deeply and for whom I’d walk to the end of the earth, something for 5 euro’s, simply because I can not afford something more expensive.

It’s really wonderous that I can afford my own tampons, toothpaste and shower gel (luckily I don’t shower much :’) ). I am glad that I don’t go to the hairdresser alot, because I couldn’t afford it. People say it’s stupid not to eat breakfast, I say it’s cheap.
I haven’t bought any underwear in ages, why? I CANT AFFORD IT.

Oh, and by the by. You know who’s shitting money? My father.

Windless

Hi,

I think it’s fair to say I spend the last 3 days in crisis. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. A lot of tears, pain, triggers, and pills came with. I desperately tried to keep my head above the water by just grabbing pills and numbing myself, by calling Polly and asking for her help. Calling my mother. Brandon..
Today I think I’m out. I think I’m ok, I think I made it through.

I have only cried once today, which is pretty normal for me. I actually laughed and played some music. Went outside, fed myself etc.

I am so so so sorry for nagging, and I don’t want to be ungrateful, or someone who always has something to complain about. Right now I’m experiencing a lot of loneliness again. To be honest, I am amazed by the fact I got through this horrific crisis without any self harm. No cutting, no overdose, no suicide attempt. I kinda want to scream it out at Abraham just to have him tell me how proud he is.

I have noticed myself sometimes saying ‘I want Abraham’, as Justy explained to me, sometimes due to childhood trauma, feelings can be something weird. Not really recognized. But people are. I can’t deny that. What I, and a lot of other people, do/did, I matched Abraham to a feeling of safety. So when I say ‘I want Abraham’ I might just be saying I want to feel save.
Right now, I do want Abraham, but I feel save, so I know I want the company, the laughter, the smiles and giggles.
I know that ‘I want Abraham’ has 2 meanings, safety or actually Abraham him-self.

I’m out of this crisis storm and just ready to get back up on my feet. Don’t want to take everything too quick, but want to leave this nasty feeling behind me.
I decided and sorted some things out on the internet, I do not have the money to finish my high school properly in a normal way ( like High School for adults 😉 ), so it’ll probably be a home study, but, let’s be honest, things like Biology and German are not really things that are easy for me so I’ll have to find a tutor for that.
In the mean time I can do volunteer work and make sure I’m still surrounded by people and not rotting away on my couch. 😉

So that’s my plan and I’m pretty confident about it right now 🙂
I hope there’s some sort of financial support that I can get, because my mum and I literally are squeezing ourselves into corners to just have everything go smoothly.
But finishing school and having my diploma can get me into the University for studying and then work sooo in the end it has to be worth it.

xoxo
Brianna

Crisis

Hi,

Monday was therapy day, and a long one. As much as I’d like to write it down clearly, I can’t. Because it’s not clearly in my mind. My talk with Betty was good but hell. I tried to tell her about the trigger (from january 3rd) but I couldn’t really describe it and I started crying. Like a fucking baby. Shit came out of my nose I think, I just couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t breathe properly. Brenda kept screaming in my head for safety in her own way.
Betty kept asking me ‘what can I do for you?’
All I could think of was; take care of me, help me get through this. Help me stay save. Help me through the evening and night. HELP. Get Abraham here. Ofcourse I couldn’t say any of these things, well I could, but she can’t do any of those things so instead I said ‘I dont know/nothing’. I couldn’t even look at her, I kept looking down at my lap and just hoping, wishing, wanting to disappear.

I kept on crying. We went for a walk outside which seemed to calm me down. I stopped crying and started talking about bullshit just to get my head out of the loneliness feeling (I do remember myself crying because I felt this huge agonising pain because of the thought of the upcoming evening + night + day and the loneliness that comes with). But just as we got back in (my mum and sister were already sitting in the waiting room), I started crying again.
Betty asked if I wanted to go into her office again but I said no. What’s the point?

Then I had the family talk with my mum + sister + me and the therapist. But a lot of crying there as well. I was totally broken, torn and just done. At some point I just knew, I have to do something because I will lose it. In the middle of the whole talk I just took my crisis medication.
It numb-ed me out. And eventually when I got home, knocked me out into a sleep.

Today Polly came over and I could see she got shocked because of how I looked. My eyes were beyond swollen. Of course still in my pyjama’s. She came in, asked how I was doing and I started crying again. To sum it up, I’m going to ask for a short stay in the open unit (1 or maybe 2 nights), just to get some rest. Tried to call the psychiatrist for some medication for tonight but he’s on a ‘team day’ today?! Just my luck!
I called Brandon because I want to ask him tomorrow for that stay in the open unit (I called him at 1 pm and was told that he would call me back). At some point it was 4.50 pm and I hadn’t got a call back. Beyond frustrated of course (had called twice in the mean time). I called again and finally got to speak to him, of course my mind is now beyond suspicious and all theories about how he didn’t want to talk to me or how they’re talking about me behind my back and maybe trying to ship me off to a clinic.
Anyway, I can see him at 8.45 tomorrow morning.

But now, I need to survive this evening and night. By even the thought of that, I start crying. So I’m just gonna have to take it one minute at the time.

xoxo
Brianna

Sunday a day of stress

Hi,

Sunday is definitely not a day of rest for me. At some point I feel relieve, relieve because tomorrow will be monday again, which means Betty and/or Brandon are available again, but somehow it gives me a lot of stress as well. I don’t know if it’s just today or maybe because of this week, or most of the sunday’s. Anyway, the stress of a new week. With actually no real improvements ahead, no real things to look up to. Nothing really has changed. So it’ll just be the same, survival.

Today was a weird day. I have been a bit less dissociative I think, but just as that went away a little, the mood swings took place. I got so angry again. It’s really ridiculous how angry I can get, over nothing really. I can just burst out, and start cursing. Just explode like a volcano. If someone even asked me over what, they’d laugh because of my answer.

Thinking about therapy and wanting to switch therapists (way back, not right now anymore), it felt stupid. Because I’ll end up getting angry at them as well. It’s ridiculous, I could just go and look around and think to myself ‘oh, lets see, who do I want to hate next?’
I definitely do NOT want to get angry or upset, but it goes from 0 (completely chill, and calm) to 9 or 10 (I want to slap you in the face). There is just no in between. I don’t like being this way. And to be frank, I don’t like the dissociation as well.

I think I’m going to ask the psychiatrist for more topomax. They say (rumour has it) it’s a little bit of a moodstabilizer. Well, my ass, haven’t noticed any of it. With that something to keep me calm during the night, I know or I’ll just have to accept that it’s just too much to ask to go to sleep at a normal time, but right now I just want to be calm at night. The lorazepam helps me with that, so I’ll ask for some of that.

Tomorrow will be a very long day at therapy, I’ll be there from 09.00 am till 05.00 pm…. and as a dessert (from 04.00 till 05.00 pm) it’s a talk with the family therapist + my mum + my sister + me. I’m not even gonna put on make-up tomorrow, since I always cry at the family-sessions.

xoxo
Brianna