Financial Shit

Oh, how I love money.
Such a shame I don’t really have any.

So with my messed up asshole head, I’ve forgotten about the fact that I don’t have my topomax anymore. (topomax helps against flashbacks and nightmares) I found out last night I didn’t have any, anymore. Since the pharmacy only lets me take home a certain amount (probably afraid I’ll kill myself otherwise). Just because it’s SO simple to go to the damn pharmacy every time to get the damn pills. And not just that! Now I’ve forgotten them, with this stupid head of mine, I can get them at the emergency pharmacy but they ask for a lot of extra money just because it’s an emergency pharmacy. Well great, but I don’t have any money. My mum just paid my groceries today.
So I kinda have to choose between living on the edge of life, or going mentally insane because even the thought of nightmares make me have instant diarrhea, I will NOT go to sleep without any medication. Those nightmares are horrifying and I’ll wake up in total panic and there will be no one to help me. No one. Just as there was no one, ever.

Because I get help from Polly, I have to pay something to someone. There are two bills still waiting to get paid.
Of course it’s totally fair that I pay for Polly, since I chose to have cptsd, I have to pay for Polly helping me.

I got a lovely bill this morning, that has to be paid within 15 days or so, otherwise the bill will just get higher at the debt collection agency. When I found out, I cried my eyes out. Calmed down, called the company since it’s totally unfair I got the bill, and they knocked of 50 euro’s. Well that’s of course nice. But still there’s a huge amount open.

I have two cats who mean the world to me and they do need to be taken care of. Somebody mistreated them when they were little, and they are very vulnerable to illness as adult-cats due to that. They deserve the care.

My health insurance is another great thing, they also think I’m shitting out money, because they always send me a check in January for the whole (upcoming) year. It’ll be about €460. So that’s breathing down my neck all day long.

You know what other girls my age are doing? Buying clothes, going to the movies, going clubbing, going out for drinks.
I can’t afford to buy clothes. I can’t afford to go to the movies. I can’t afford a damn thing.
Whenever someone needs a gift, I hate myself for looking at the cheap things. I HATE myself for giving someone who I love deeply and for whom I’d walk to the end of the earth, something for 5 euro’s, simply because I can not afford something more expensive.

It’s really wonderous that I can afford my own tampons, toothpaste and shower gel (luckily I don’t shower much :’) ). I am glad that I don’t go to the hairdresser alot, because I couldn’t afford it. People say it’s stupid not to eat breakfast, I say it’s cheap.
I haven’t bought any underwear in ages, why? I CANT AFFORD IT.

Oh, and by the by. You know who’s shitting money? My father.