It’s not as bad as it seems, it only hurts when I breathe

I guess I’m lucky I’ve had a few weeks of stability because it might be saving my ass right now. It might have built up my rational part a little, or given some strength to the rational/adult voice inside of me.
Because honestly, I feel like shit and suicidal. I’ve been crying all day. Yesterday was a big depressed day as well.

I know there is a huge possibility it’s all just hormones.

But it doesn’t make it better right now.

Rationality is telling me I have enough to live for, but emotionally I’m beyond done. I actually had ‘the talks’ again with my mother.

“Me; I want to die.. please let me die. I want to go”

Things that are ‘supposed’ to bring me joy, don’t. They barely even bring a smile on my face, which feels like a fake one.

Tomorrow will be a very hard day at therapy and I can’t help but think ‘fuck it all’.

And above all this, I feel so damn alone. Really like no one cares. I know people are seeing me doing well, and trusting me doing well on my own. But no one really asks me how I’m really doing.
Wednesday morning messed me up so bad. Therapy doesn’t even know. A few people on twitter approach me and genuinely ask me how I am, because I have been so quiet, and it actually breaks my heart, because THEY notice, how come the people around me don’t?

For the first time, in so long, I have the feeling my security blanket will not be enough when I go out. I feel like I have to carry around my ‘special sharp cutter’ just in case I need it. (Just like I used to)

What happened to me?



Monday was therapy day, and a long one. As much as I’d like to write it down clearly, I can’t. Because it’s not clearly in my mind. My talk with Betty was good but hell. I tried to tell her about the trigger (from january 3rd) but I couldn’t really describe it and I started crying. Like a fucking baby. Shit came out of my nose I think, I just couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t breathe properly. Brenda kept screaming in my head for safety in her own way.
Betty kept asking me ‘what can I do for you?’
All I could think of was; take care of me, help me get through this. Help me stay save. Help me through the evening and night. HELP. Get Abraham here. Ofcourse I couldn’t say any of these things, well I could, but she can’t do any of those things so instead I said ‘I dont know/nothing’. I couldn’t even look at her, I kept looking down at my lap and just hoping, wishing, wanting to disappear.

I kept on crying. We went for a walk outside which seemed to calm me down. I stopped crying and started talking about bullshit just to get my head out of the loneliness feeling (I do remember myself crying because I felt this huge agonising pain because of the thought of the upcoming evening + night + day and the loneliness that comes with). But just as we got back in (my mum and sister were already sitting in the waiting room), I started crying again.
Betty asked if I wanted to go into her office again but I said no. What’s the point?

Then I had the family talk with my mum + sister + me and the therapist. But a lot of crying there as well. I was totally broken, torn and just done. At some point I just knew, I have to do something because I will lose it. In the middle of the whole talk I just took my crisis medication.
It numb-ed me out. And eventually when I got home, knocked me out into a sleep.

Today Polly came over and I could see she got shocked because of how I looked. My eyes were beyond swollen. Of course still in my pyjama’s. She came in, asked how I was doing and I started crying again. To sum it up, I’m going to ask for a short stay in the open unit (1 or maybe 2 nights), just to get some rest. Tried to call the psychiatrist for some medication for tonight but he’s on a ‘team day’ today?! Just my luck!
I called Brandon because I want to ask him tomorrow for that stay in the open unit (I called him at 1 pm and was told that he would call me back). At some point it was 4.50 pm and I hadn’t got a call back. Beyond frustrated of course (had called twice in the mean time). I called again and finally got to speak to him, of course my mind is now beyond suspicious and all theories about how he didn’t want to talk to me or how they’re talking about me behind my back and maybe trying to ship me off to a clinic.
Anyway, I can see him at 8.45 tomorrow morning.

But now, I need to survive this evening and night. By even the thought of that, I start crying. So I’m just gonna have to take it one minute at the time.


Hi, my name is Frank

TRIGGERING due to talk about self harm, negativity etc. 


So just to be Frank, and by Frank I do mean totally, brutally Frank.

I know I’ve become fatter. I’ve gained weight. Not only was I already overweight but I actually managed to become even more overweight. I can see my normal bra not being able to contain this huge disgusting breast anymore. It disgusts me.
My enormous belly, full of fat, has become even bigger. Where these ugly breasts just lean on, because, let’s face it, they do need some place to hang out. Apparently my tummy is the hot spot right now.

This is one of those moments, I am able to call the doctors (eventhough it’s 12.04 am over here) and ask them to cut away all my fat because it’s disgusting)

It’s triggering. WHY DO I KEEP ON EATING? Jesus. Like I’m not ugly enough already. The only thing I seem to do is sit on the couch ALL DAY LONG. So the least I can do, is STOP EATING. I feel like I want to just tear off my arm and just start slapping myself in the face with it. I AM SO ANGRY.

I DONT want to go to therapy tomorrow. What can I wear? EVERYBODY WILL SEE THIS DISGUSTING BODYFAT.

Well it’s not weird. I’ve had the dumbest food schedule ever. Weirdest medication.
Right now, I’m just done. I’m about to cry. Oh, here I go. If only the tears had some calories in them. I hate myself. Why can’t I do anything right? I’m such a failure.

Self loathe washes over me and I can not do anything about it. Well I want to.. but I can’t. A part of me wants.

I should go to bed, right?
But the problem is. I only feel a little bit ok in bed, if I have a movie on my laptop… AND SOMETHING TO EAT IN THIS FILTHY WHORE MOUTH OF MINE.

I don’t know what to do.

Just sinking deeper and deeper.

Get me out of this body. GET ME OUT.