Walking in circles


I called the psychiatrist today because I’ve been taking oxazepam for quite a while now (daily). He suggested a type of heart medication, that lowers my heart rate and blood pressure, I wont be able to get scared because my heart just can’t beat faster. I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks this is freaky?
I already refused a lot of medication he suggested due to my overweight (I weigh more than 100 kg/15 stone/220 pounds). I really don’t want to gain more kilo’s 😦 ! Food is so complicated for me. He doesn’t seem to get that.

I am getting really frustrated and hopeless. I feel everyone (Brandon, Polly, psychiatrist, myself) is trying to fix a little part of me, and in the end it’s just not working. Because I stumble on other things and I shove them forward to (for instance) Brandon, and then something comes up which I shove towards Polly (because it fits her workfield) etc.

Right now I am angry with the psychiatrist. I asked him for some time to think about it, though I already know I don’t want the heart medication. And I can feel myself in a  ‘fuck you/whatever’ mode. I don’t care anymore. WELL, fuck my sleep then. I’ll just cut my way through the night. And don’t they dare say anything about that! I’ll do it in my own way. THEY DON’T CARE ANYWAYS. Freaking heart medication. That’s ridiculous. I am not too difficult, in my opinion. I have antidepressants, antipsychotics, antiepileptics etc. But I just don’t want anything influencing my heart.

My urge to self-harm is real big right now. I feel I’m not worth it. He told me he’d fax a recipe for oxazepam to my pharmacy (while I was thinking about the heart medication, so a recipe for 2 weeks maximum). He never did!!!!! It’s the 3rd time he told me he’d do something for me, but never did.



8 thoughts on “Walking in circles

  1. It may sound freaky, but it does my physilogical (pardon the spelling) sense. I know a few people on that sort of medication for that reason and they have all said it has really helped. Though no medication should ever be forced on you and always should be your choice and what you feel comfortable with ( I am not trying to say either way btw) 🙂
    I hate it when they say they will do something but never do, it always makes me feel so crap and worthless and fecked off with them as it is only a two minute job!
    Try and stay safe, they (pyschs) aren’t worth it!

    • Thanks 🙂 ! I’m glad there are other people out there with the same perscription and find it helpful!
      Yes, I’m really trying not to think about the psychiatrist right now. Not worth it 😉 Thank you!

  2. This may not make a hill of beans difference but: I know how it feels to feel like NO ONE CARES. It feels bad. It makes me feel like I don’t deserve to be loved. Or even to live. When I get through it (still not believing anyone really cares) I try to tell myself (as though my SELF is a separate entity: maybe no one else cares about you, but “I” do, I’ll take care of you. Hoping this very difficult time passes quickly. ((hugs))

  3. It can be really hard when you feel alone and like nobody really cares. I’m sorry you’re in that place.

    I can say, though, that I’ve had success with alpha and beta-blockers (probably the same heart meds your doctor recommended). I thought it was crazy when I heard about them too, but they actually did help, particularly with my nightmares and my constant hyperarousal state. The only reason I don’t take them anymore is that they were interfering with my asthma medication.

    • Thats so sweet!!!
      Thank you so much 🙂 !
      I’ll definetly have to let it all sink in, but I can tell you, without a doubt, that I’m real touched by the nomination! Thank you.

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