:)

Hi,

What a rollercoaster day.

Right now I’m doing pretty okay actually. I thought of something, and wanted to share it with you guys.
I’m going to bed right now.. and I figured.. I’m going to bed with a smile. Not just any smile. A smile someone gave me, with just being who he is. Also for giving me the lift up to work through, the faith, the strength, the courage and so much more.

By-the-way-Im-wearing-the-smile-you-gave-me

Are you guys wearing any smiles? ❀

xoxo
Brianna

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2013 in a blog post

Might contain TRIGGERS

Hi,

So, 2013 in a blog post, this is gonna be nice one πŸ˜›

Well.. 2013 has been one heck of a year. Well I guess I say that every time, and every year it seems to surprise me what a chaotic life I have, which is weird, because it never has been different yet it keeps surprising me as if I expect different.
Anyway, it started real scary. I just moved to my own place. For the first time, living on my own. It was hard, finally a place of my own, now what? I started falling down hard, after a suicide attempt in february I didn’t really knew what to do with my life and just crawled back into my own fantasy world, which I used to do when I lived at home. I must have spent a few months there.. it was ok. After a while, I was ready to try back out again, and I started making contact with people. Mostly guys, let’s be honest xD. Went through the whole mick-mack with the heart-drama. Somewhere around May (?) I met Abraham, which I never saw coming and he gave me something I never thought I’d ever get, or I ever even wished or dreamed of, because I didn’t even know of its existence. Somewhere around July I started talking to Sander again I think, and Randy came… and went πŸ˜› man oh man, xD what a guy drama.

Mentally… what a rollercoaster. February was a big down for me. While Abraham was in my life I had a huge down (stopped with 2 medication type’s (Anti psychotic and anti depressant) which made all my emotions come back up, down i went, and well, a lot of downs since then. I guess only 1 really big one. So maybe just 3 this year.
But it feels like I’ve wandered around the edge of life numerous times, being tempted to jump and just forget the world. In february I tried, second time, Abraham pulled me away. Third time.. I pulled myself away.. wow.. I just realized that now.

2013 was the year I broke contact with my dad. The year I told my mum, straight to her face, why I have CPTSD. My mum told my sister behind my back (Which was a little disappointing, but ok)
I celebrated Christmas with my best friend.
I met Justy on Β Wordpress.
I started my blog here. Felt less alone by reading other people’s blog and their journey’s through life with their struggle’s.
The year I dated like crazy. But to be honest, the year I dates like crazy, but which made me realize, maybe I’m not ugly… because some guys I dated were.. well.. they’re were just plain hot πŸ˜› so it did give me a little boost πŸ˜‰
I got of to a great start with Polly, I trust her and I know how to be open with her and discuss things with her.
I learned a lot about (c)PTSD and myself and everything that comes with.

I’ve been down on the floor, crying like crazy, screaming my lungs out, but in the end I did get up.
I had stood on my balcony ready to jump off, ready to leave this world, but yet here I am writing this! ok.. this is freaking me out, I could’ve been dead by now.. Damn, glad I’m not actually. Otherwise I never would’ve known about Christmas with Bestie.. and how happy I have felt sometimes. So happy that I felt it was too much, happy-ness overdose.

Anyway, 2013, you have been a………. weird, amazing, depressing, loving, interesting year. Thank you.

xoxo
Brianna

Christmas Eve & Growth?

Hi!

So I actually have a LOT to talk about, and it’s 3.30 am and bestie just went to bed, me too, but since I’m not tired I wanted to write about today.

I woke up kinda feeling depressed, not wanting to do anything, but as the day went on I got a little more excited. It did fall down a lot as things went wrong (you know, just small things that Always go wrong when you’re in a hurry or something like that πŸ˜‰ )but when she arrived actually everything turned out okay πŸ™‚

We went to dinner and it was soooo much fun! We went to an Italian restaurant and it was delicious! 3 course dinner! Yummy πŸ˜€
After that, back to my house talked up till 3 and decided to go to bed.

I just really enjoyed myself. We really talked again about 1000 things πŸ˜›

And suddenly Brandon came up..
(Last week, Wednesday, i was feeling really bad because of the holiday and not having any talks anymore so I asked Brandon if I could talk to him after therapy, since we didn’t have a scheduled appointment. He said he was booked the whole afternoon, so I asked for a phone call on thursday which wasn’t a problem (yep I’m not a phone person, but i just asked it so I could get ‘rid’ of him.. you know :$ ? Without the whole awkward ‘i asked something and you said no’-situation) Β later (15 minutes before my taxi was supposed to arrive) I got the message that he did have time, so if i wanted i could go anyways, but it was too late for me to reschedule the taxi, so I couldn’t. So i called him, and asked if I could email him what was on my mind and just write it all down (since i get really irritated on the phone). But he told me he’s not an email person (-.-) so maybe I could email him, and he’d answer me by calling me. So i was like; ok that sounds reasonable. But then i’d have to email the secretariat and they would fast forward the mail to Brandon, and I was like; what the hell! You can’t ask me to put my thoughts on paper and send it to THEM! So in the end i never send and email and he never called)
Anyways, i was pissed πŸ˜› so I talked to bestie about that, but while talking i realized something…… I’m being stupid haha.

I am mad… but why?

I used to like Brandon. Why? Because he’s steady. he doesn’t give in, doesn’t run after me etc (no roller coaster effect)

So now i’m mad, why? Because he’s not running after me πŸ˜› ! When actually, him not running after me is what i like about him. Because that means he’s the person who keeps his head cool when my head is about to turn to 100 degrees.

Kinda childish behaviour, like it’s a subconscious test or something like that.. from me to him. Well he sure passed that one xD
Damn… glad i figured this one out. otherwise I’d be complaining untill I’d see him again, and probably be sitting stubborn across from him when we’d have an appointment πŸ˜› hahaha anyhow it’d be time loss for me πŸ˜‰ so no win.

overall Christmas Eve was GREAT! πŸ™‚
Nobody can take that away from me πŸ˜€

xoxo
Brianna

What a day! (Positive)

Hi!

What a day.
I did wake up kinda late, but I had enough sleep and felt really rested. (late as in; 3 pm)

I had a few things to do, first of all I wrote an email to my counselor about going back to school, I do want to find something small to start with.

After that I searched the internet for volunteers work and I found some options!! So I think I’m gonna mail tomorrow about the possibilities.

And then after that, (my mum found me some site’s to get some girlfriends… lame I know.. I’m in my 20’s and my mum needs to help me find friends, anyway) I searched some internet site’s for friendship (girls only) and found some nice things πŸ™‚

I feel really good about today πŸ™‚ Did some very productive things!
Glad that’s still possible!

xoxo
Brianna

The monday I have been stressing about

Hi!

Well I had very much trouble sleeping. Fell asleep about 3.30 am. But I’m glad that I had the talk om 09.00 because it went very well!
I kinda forgot the whole talk, but I do remember it went well and that she will discuss with H. about me moving to her and she was ok with it. That was for me the most important thing!

Therapy went very well!!!
I was very chatty, like in a good mood, and fully motivated for everything so I did feel good about the day πŸ™‚ !

I do have a lot that went through my mind again, but I’ll write that in another blog post because it’s gonna be a long one about me just thinking about stuff and writing it down.

But my day went very well!

I feel excited about telling Polly about it, hihi, she’s gonna be proud πŸ˜€

xoxo
Brianna

I’m good

Hi!

It’s really a weird week and everything.
Anyway, right now and today I have been very good actually. I feel so good I’m almost like; I don’t have CPTSD…. I’m normal.
I feel like I’m burning through the skies.. 200 degrees, that’s why they call me Misses Fahrenheit.. I’m traveling at the speed of light πŸ˜‰
No.. seriously, I am doing really good.
‘Can’t wait’ for therapy tomorrow, back to the save and nice environment there. I don’t really have that much to say.

I’m doing real good. I feel good. I feel I can take on the whole world.
Like nothing can stop me (and a little voice called ‘Rational’ tells me every little thing can stop me).
Tomorrow will be a short day at therapy, I have no individual talks and stuff.

I feel good. Oh damn! Baby boy needs his medicine!
This is so irritating πŸ˜› , it’s hard enough to remember my own medication, and baby boy needs 2 in one day.

Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyy, feeling good. Not thinking too much. I do realize everything that has happened in the past week, and the things I thought and felt, so I do remember that, but it’s like there’s an invisible glass between me and those feelings/thoughts so.. I know they’re there, I just can’t think/feel them. To be honest, I’m ok with that!

So I’m just gonna enjoy my evening. & be happy.

xoxo
Brianna

Smile

Hello!

I am so happy right now. I don’t even know why. I guess a mix of things. Had delicious lunch! I’m done with grocery shopping (I hate that). Home again. My mum is coming over to watch the voice with me! Tomorrow I’m going to my sisters, which means I’ll see my niece and nephew (her cat and dog) again!Β 
Plus my mum is making a pie for tomorrow πŸ™‚ !Β 

I also bought some treats for the cat and dog. The cat was easy, she’s 19 (and deaf..), but she loves food and especially treats. The one I bought are kind of expensive if you keep buying it, but every once in a while is manageable! So i know she’ll be happy with it. The dog (chihuahua, and a puppy πŸ˜› ) is a lot more difficult. I bought this tiny dog treats, haha, which we’ll probably have to break in 2 aswell. He’s kind of a hand full, of course since he is a puppy. But he’s very shy and anti-social against strangers. So whenever I go there, he’ll growl at me at first xD, it takes a while for him to get used to me. But whenever he comes here, its fine. I guess he links me to the house. And doesn’t understand it’s the same person going to his house πŸ˜› . Ah anyway, he’s soo adorable!!Β 

I also love how my sister and I always bring something small for our ‘children’ hahaha. When she comes over, she’ll always bring something for my cats as well.Β 

Anyway, I’m excited! To see my sister, her fiancΓ©e and the cat and dog πŸ™‚ . Probably gonna make new pictures with the dog haha. Did the same with my mum’s kitten. He is really annoying though! Super wild and naughty! With a cat it’s different, because cats are able to do more… my sisters puppy can’t even get on the couch by himself πŸ˜› . Anyway, my mum’s cat is a real monster πŸ˜‰ he’s sweet. But he doesn’t like to cuddle. I used to give him kisses, but he never liked it. He’d put his front paws on my mouth and pull himself away and turn his head xD. Β He just wants to be wild and play, haha. He’s cute as well, but I don’t see him a lot anymore.Β 

Anyway, I’m happy! πŸ™‚Β 
(and a little scared because I don’t want my mood to swing back down)

xoxo
BriannaΒ 

Sending some light and happiness to all of you who need it!Β 

Cleaning Tuesday!

Hello everyone!

I had a very good sleep, I guess I slept about 12 hours, deep and without waking up.

Then I called the centre where I go for treatment and asked if Betty could call me back. She did, and she said she wasn’t directly alarmed about the whole mess in my head/dissociation, but she thought it was concerning that I was dissociating so much again (last time it was so frequently, it was when Abraham was in my life). But she assured me she isn’t going to ship me off without any good reasons for it. She did make a note about the dissociation and the Brenda/Peter stuff, but she said it wasn’t an Β ‘OH MY GOD’ situation where she felt she had to do something directly.
She said I sounded good over the phone and that I had handled it well yesterday. I did cry a little in our talk yesterday and she said it was good that I could let my emotion out, and she could see that things did hurt me. She gets to see the angry me a lot lately, but not the sad part of me.

Then I just went on with my new tradition. Clean-your-house Tuesday! Haha, i just spent an hour cleaning. But it wasn’t about the time, I just wanted everything to be clean. When I was younger and I cleaned I was like ‘ok, how can I do this, as quick as possible?’ Now I’m more like ‘how can I do this as clean as possible? I don’t care how long it takes’. So everything is clean again. I’m not satisfied with the dust in my house, but my sister is giving me tips about that. And she just explained to me how to clean the shower. Which things to use (I have to buy those friday while grocery shopping) and how to clean. So sweet of her πŸ™‚
I feel more in control of my life and house right now. I am able to keep things clean and livable. I’m proud of that!

I do have to do my laundry, but the dishwasher is running now so I can’t turn on the washing machine, they go on the same switch-plug. I’m afraid I’ll get a big BOOM when I put both of them on πŸ˜›
So I’m going to try to do that tonight. So maybe I can have fresh clothes on thursday πŸ™‚

What a beautiful day today!
I’m feeling good, my house looks good, my cats are doing good. πŸ™‚
I feel like I have new strength and am able to fight and work through things again.

xoxo
Brianna

The sun is shining!

Hi everyone!

Its only 1 pm here, but I think I finally know what people mean when they say you lose a big part of the day, when you sleep till noon.
I had a doctor’s appointment around 10 AM, it went well. Got a referral to the gynecologist, she didn’t make an issue of that. Was very friendly, helped me figure out what I have to do to get either, my old gynecologist or another woman, but not a male.

Then I went home, and just cleaned the whole house, haha!
It’s so clean right now πŸ™‚ Dont wanna move because I’m afraid i might spoil it. Which is ridiculous of course πŸ˜‰ When I make something dirty I can just clean it up right after that.
Cleaning up was actually kind of fun. I felt good doing it, just put on my music with my headphones, and sang and danced around while I was cleaning. Too bad my cat (the girl) followed me around everywhere. Usually I clean when she’s asleep (IF I clean, whaha) but she was wide awake, and happy I was home, so she followed me everywhere. Whenever I opened a cabinet, she climbed in, so I had to take her out and stuff, but it was ok πŸ˜› Didn’t get mad at her, she just wants to be around her mummy, which is soooo sweet!

My cat (the boy πŸ˜‰ ) was sick yesterday, having diarrhea and stuff 😦 so I took him to bed with me (what made his sister jealous, so she crawled in bed with us), he seems to be doing a lot better now! Playing around and stuff, being annoying, so he’s feeling ok again πŸ˜‰

And best part of all;
MY BEST FRIEND IS COMING OVER!!!!
She’s on her way over now, so I’m going to pick her up at the train station within half an hour. I’m so excited, haven’t seen her over a year I think. Though we talked a lot, it’s different when you see each other face-to-face. Last time I saw her, was with her birthday last year, she was at a psychiatric ward and I came to visit her with a birthday cake (Which was all warm after the long ride over there xD) and we did have some fun. But I’m so glad I get to see her again today πŸ™‚ !

I feel blessed, feeling good and surrounded by beautiful things.
The weather seems gorgeous outside, gonna spend the rest of the afternoon with my bestie, my cats are feeling ok.

Yep, I am very happy πŸ™‚ !

xoxo
Brianna

Don’t stop me now!

HI!

I am SO happy right now! So proud of myself!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, can I get a round of applause?
I just cleaned the litter box all by myself! But most important of all, it was fine! It was clean. I have this new cat litter with a spring smell in it. We’ll I’m going to be honest, I wasnt so good I was trying not to put my nose in it. But it was bearable, it REALLY was OK!
I did the dishes, well that’s not a real big deal, but I never do them. My mum used to. So I went through the living room and bedroom and got all the plates and glasses, put them in the kitchen. Then I unload the dishwasher, put the things where they belong in the kitchen. Then I put the dirty thing in the dishwasher. Now its running!

I’m burning through the skies yeah
200 degrees, that’s why they call me Misses Farenheit
I’m traveling at the speed of light!!!! πŸ˜€

Where there was desire, there was definitely a flame. Where there was a flame, I got so bad burned. But just because it burned didn’t mean I had to die. I just got up and tried.

A big thank you to the one and only justeramaajarvi for telling me every time again, that I am able to do this. I have to believe you now, because I just did πŸ˜‰
I’m not saying I’m done, but I think it’s a very good start. I even feel like cleaning more now. So I’m going to clean the living room a little bit more, haha!

xoxo
Brianna