What do you want?


The last few days I’ve been very busy and didn’t really have time for the laptop.
Been a lot of out of the house and stuff and it was actually quite good.

Also took enough time for rest. (< which I think was the key to keeping it all balanced)

Tonight is the first time I’m going to work at the new volunteers place! I am very excited and a little scared.

I was just trying to figure out what to wear, since it’s going to be in the evening, I’ll be behind the bar, making sure people get their drinks and stuff while a band is playing their music and entertaining people.
Due to selfharm scars all over my arm (from pulse to shoulder) I can not wear short sleeves, so I was planning on wearing long sleeves, but something light, so I won’t sweat easily (sweat dripping down my body > feeling my body > trigger).

Usually I wear a tanktop beneath my clothes, I guess it makes me feel save, like something is still protecting my body, beneath my clothes. Brenda especially likes it.
But since it’s probably going to be very warm in there, I thought it would be better to take it off, so I won’t sweat as easily (due to too many clothes) and I’ll just take it off right now, so my body can get used to it.

So I took it off and Brenda started whining instantly. ‘Too naked, doesn’t feel ok, want to hide, under the blankets’ etc.
I put on my shirt (to be, for the evening > without the tanktop) and Brenda practically started screaming. The feeling of the inside of the shirt against my body and it was all just so disgusting, at this point I can’t even distinguish my thoughts from her. So I took it off and put my tanktop back on and went to the livingroom.

And right now I’m typing this.

What do you want Brenda?

If we keep the tanktop on, it’s gonna be hot! And we’re gonna sweat. Let’s be honest, you’ll get whiney about that.
If we take it off. We won’t sweat (as easily) but you’ll whine straight from the beginning.

So I guess the choice is easy, I’ll just keep it on.
Kinda bummed right now. Because a simple thing like ‘taking a tanktop off’ is too much to handle.

But ok, she’s fine now.


Walking in circles


I called the psychiatrist today because I’ve been taking oxazepam for quite a while now (daily). He suggested a type of heart medication, that lowers my heart rate and blood pressure, I wont be able to get scared because my heart just can’t beat faster. I’m sorry, but am I the only one who thinks this is freaky?
I already refused a lot of medication he suggested due to my overweight (I weigh more than 100 kg/15 stone/220 pounds). I really don’t want to gain more kilo’s 😦 ! Food is so complicated for me. He doesn’t seem to get that.

I am getting really frustrated and hopeless. I feel everyone (Brandon, Polly, psychiatrist, myself) is trying to fix a little part of me, and in the end it’s just not working. Because I stumble on other things and I shove them forward to (for instance) Brandon, and then something comes up which I shove towards Polly (because it fits her workfield) etc.

Right now I am angry with the psychiatrist. I asked him for some time to think about it, though I already know I don’t want the heart medication. And I can feel myself in a  ‘fuck you/whatever’ mode. I don’t care anymore. WELL, fuck my sleep then. I’ll just cut my way through the night. And don’t they dare say anything about that! I’ll do it in my own way. THEY DON’T CARE ANYWAYS. Freaking heart medication. That’s ridiculous. I am not too difficult, in my opinion. I have antidepressants, antipsychotics, antiepileptics etc. But I just don’t want anything influencing my heart.

My urge to self-harm is real big right now. I feel I’m not worth it. He told me he’d fax a recipe for oxazepam to my pharmacy (while I was thinking about the heart medication, so a recipe for 2 weeks maximum). He never did!!!!! It’s the 3rd time he told me he’d do something for me, but never did.


I seem like a pretty normal girl, on the outside

This blog post is very TRIGGERING due to talk about suicide and self harm


People often think it’s weird that I have some issue’s because I seem like such a normal girl. It’s weird that I get angry a lot because I seem so sweet etc.
Looks can be deceiving.

Here’s an accurate example.

Facts Me talking to you in the present

I was in the taxi on my way to therapy. I have been writing about how hard it’s been and just me fighting through the holiday’s, holding on to this date (january second) because it’s the date I can go back to therapy and just see the girls and just be myself again. Vent. Talk. Have some real life support. So I was pretty excited about today. Kind of a ‘TGITD’ feeling (Thank God Its Therapy Day)
So I was in the taxi, and this company that drives me always manages to get me there either really early (like 30/45 minutes) or too late. Well, today was VERY important to me, so I didn’t want to be late. Btw, the drive is about 20 minutes, 25 tops. The taxi got here on time, which means he got 45 minutes to drop me of there. Well, we picked up other people on the way (which happens sometimes, they combine the rides, its cheaper for the company 😉 ) so I got stressed. Damn. I’m gonna be late! I asked the driver ‘Am I gonna be on time? I have to be there at 9.30 am’ he said to me ‘I am not sure’ I started to panick inside. Though my outside was still calm and cool, kinda poker face like, my inside started boiling. I opened my whatsapp and started talking (typing) to my mum.

Of course, we picked up another person  (besides the person we already picked up, so there was me, + another lady and NOW another male was coming in) and it was 9.15 and then I knew… I Wasn’t gonna make it.

It just exploded in me. What the hell, exploded. Why? I freaked out. I held on for SO damn long. Fought through these damn ‘holiday’s’ and for WHAT? just so that I’ll miss the only thing I’ve been looking forward too? Fuck you. I want to die. Wtf? Don’t be silly, you’re just late. I want to kill myself RIGHT NOW. I don’t care that I’m in the cab, and there are 3 other people around me, I want to slit my wrist or put a bullet through my brains RIGHT NOW.

Yeah…. I see it’s stupid. RIGHT NOW. But at that moment (back then) I can’t. At that moment, I am panicking. I don’t see how it can get better. I don’t see how I will get better. I only see 1 way out and that way is suicide. I am scared to death. Unfortunately I know, if I had something with me in my purse, like a razor, I would’ve cut myself, while I was sitting next to the driver. All the normal things go out the window, the only thing that matters is that I have to die, no matter what. I have to be gone, I have to escape.

I seem like a pretty normal girl, on the outside.



I am a little ashamed for my explosion yesterday, or anyway the post before this one.
Not doing that great actually, today was ok. Ok as in I only cried once today.

Tomorrow I’m going to a meeting. I’m gonna see some people who have self harm issue’s as well.

I don’t even know what to type, I’m just down I guess. I don’t want to talk. At this point I am kinda wishing someone was sitting next to me on the couch, just having fun, watching the Voice of Holland and just laughing, commenting, sharing opinions, shouting because the person we/I/she/he like(s) isn’t going through and stuff like that.

Sometimes saying sorry doesn’t mean things will go back to the way they were, it just means you wish they did.
To be honest, I didn’t see this coming, this amount of pain, I can keep pretending it’s not here and I don’t miss anything at all. But the truth is, the only thing I’m sure of, is that it’s here and I do. I feel like a bitch, a nagging bitch, who made her own bed and should lie in it. But I never meant to make the bed like this, I really didn’t. The silence around me is lancinating, the emptiness I see makes my eyes tear, but knowing it will never be filled by YOU, makes me want to die.

I guess I’ll be okay, but maybe just not today?


Am I climbing up?


I have been very quiet on Word Press and mainly just because I am ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my behaviour yet not willing to change it because I felt I deserved it.
Right now I think I’m moving up, SLOWLY, but surely. I had a really hard couple of days.

Trigger Warning
There was a lot of self harm in the past few days and a lot of triggers. Just something inside of me demanding me to harm myself because I deserve to be harmed. I needed to be in constant pain. Thursday was the worst I guess. I did harm myself and it just kept bleeding, I was too afraid to go to the doctors but after 5 hours (and the doctors being closed) I got scared. It still didn’t stop. I was supposed to go grocery shopping with my mum so I told her before hand that I did harm myself and it hadn’t stopped bleeding yet. (5 hours later) She looked a little confused and said ‘the store is only open till 8 pm’. It felt as a huge rejection (I don’t deserve medical treatment) and we went to the store. I was beyond angry and upset with my mother. After going back to the car after getting the grocery’s I cried and asked her why I am not important enough? At least not more important than grocery’s. She said she got confused and didn’t know what to do. I told her I did want to see a doctor.
Of course being VERY ashamed of harming myself and then going to the doctors, I came in with my tail between my legs and there was a very nice woman doctor who helped me. She asked me why I did it & I said ‘i hate my body’ she said ‘that must be awful’.. yeah, you can get angry about this but I do feel she meant it so I said ‘yeah..’. She asked me to see the wound and ofcourse now that I AM at the doctors it stopped! So it was still very nasty and since it had been about 6 hours it wasn’t anyting pretty. She said she wanted to stitch it up and make the scar more ‘pretty’.. but I told her she didn’t need to and I’d be ok with a plaster. For the first time the doctor was ok with wat I wanted with the wound. The area around it is still a but numb but I guess that’ll stay like that.
Yesterday (Friday) I did harm myself again and a lot, but not that deep. Which meant it hurt much more. So after breaking down again in front of my mum I did manage to go to bed that night WITHOUT cutting! Right now it’s saturday and it’s 4.43 pm and I haven’t cut. I am a little proud of myself, though I do feel the need coming up, I’m just gonna try to be ok with not cutting and not wanting to punish myself.

So it’s hard yeah.. but we’ll make it through right?
I really hope this is it. That this was rock bottom and I’m going up again.
Looking back at this year.. I have a lot of mixed feelings. It went ok as in I have therapy and got a lot out of myself, however I had a few down moments as well. Moments where I could have died if it turned out wrong.

I hope to be a little more active and a little more positive again.

They don’t even know you
All they see is scars
They don’t see the angel living in your heart
Let them find the real you, buried deep within.
Let them know with all you’ve got.. that you are NOT your skin.

Not ready to call myself an angel 😉 , but I do know I have a good part as well. I am not all bad.


Step right up


Well as probably might have been clear, I have moodswings. And right now, I’m doing ok!
I feel okay, I slept long and good. Betty called me and Polly was just here. And I guess that really helped me.

The compulsive need to self harm is still here, but I’m okay.

Listening to music, singing..

I am weird 😉


Behind closed doors..


Lol, is it me, or is Word Press changing daily? Weird font right now.
Anyway, I am more out in the open again. On twitter, whatsapp, facebook etc. However, not many people know what happens behind closed doors here.

Trigger warning! Self harm!
I had a major relapse in self harm. I had gone exactly 2 months without. Fell back harder than before. And I don’t even care.. I’m sorry but I don’t.
There is a big part in me who makes me punish myself. I need to, I must.. I went to the doctors yesterday with Polly (she was off work but went with me anyway, though she had to pick up her children from school a little later… 😦 so sweet) she treated and me and was very nice luckily, said I could always call her when I’m feeling down.
Had a talk with Brandon later on the day, which made me feel better. However a part of me, definitely not Peter, but I don’t know what, just a feeling I guess, just told me I needed to punish myself. It got worse and worse. I did try to resist by being in contact with people. Did self harm once more, and was too afraid to go to the doctors, (2 times in one day is just too much) and so now it’s just being open. I’ll watch it closely for infections till it’s fully closed. later that night I had to self harm again. I was just so tired of the whole day, and it was about 1 am, I wasn’t allowed to put on music, not allowed to touch my phone untill I did. I was so tired, and I knew it had to be of a certain depth but i just couldn’t. Made 2 small ones and went to bed.
Today I haven’t (yet?). But I feel the urge. Not as strong as yesterday though.

So yeah, I did self harm and to be honest I don’t care. Not right now. Today I had therapy and a talk with Brandon, and I kinda wanted to discuss how to make it through the weekend without the compulsive need to sh (self harm), but he changed the subject and I couldn’t bring it up anymore. Maybe it’s for the best, because I do know some people think when you pay too much attention to it, it’ll get worse. So acknowledge it and move in is probably the best. But I do feel this force/monster/demon in me, which needs to destroy me. And when will it be enough? I am bright enough to know, it never will. Not even when I’m dead, because then I can’t feel the pain anymore. So the goal from that part of me is to just keep torturing me for as long as possible. Have as much pain as possible. Not inner pain, but pain on my body.

I feel very ashamed of this and actually I wasn’t planning on writing it, but yeah, it is me, and it’s going through my head and I guess a part of me and my cptsd.
I do want to get better. But right now, I feel I need to sh to survive this period of time. I do feel like a failure, but then again, that is what I am so why make a deal about it?

It’s really hard for me to explain the amount of self-hatred and self-disgust I feel. It’s just really like I want a new body. I want my skin of, I want clean blood, I want the dirty-ness off. I can’t even look at my own body, let alone be aware of that MY fingers are typing this! I just can’t because then I’ll freak out (realizing what nasty-ass fingers are typing and those nasty-ass fingers are MINE).

I do need help, I really do. But I still firmly believe a clinic is not the option for me. I do think I need more than 2 day’s a week. Or at least more than 45 minutes individual a week. But a clinic is the completely opposite. I do need to maintain a (big) part of my own responsibility.

Monday I actually wanted to beg Betty to kill me. I think I even said to her that if she had a gun, I’d ask her to be a human and do me and society a favor and shoot me through the head. I was in tears, shit coming out of my nose and stuff, just crying my ass off. She kinda raised her voice at me at one point, not in a scary way, but it wasn’t the calm voice she always had. She said that it was ridiculous and I should stop hating (and talking so bad) about myself. Because I was a child.. and have no responsibility.
I do find it a bit comforting she raised her voice a little, it did scare me but also showed me she really means it. So that’s double… Might phone her tomorrow.. anyway Polly is coming at noon, so at least I’ll get to talk to her.

I am really NOT suicidal. Right now I’m at a point where I think death would be too easy for me, I need to crawl on the floor of the pain

yeah, I really hate myself. Well a part of me hates me, the other part of me doesn’t know what to think of me, but doesn’t hate me, at least not in the way that I feel I need to punish myself with sh.

So to sum it up; it’s a mess.
Need a second to breathe.

Wish there was someone here.. someone who would just stay with me. This are the times I wish I had a roommate.. I do have a spare bedroom, and could use the money (oh another fun thing! I don’t have much left for food anymore this month, because of an unexpected expensive bill from the vet and uhm.. yeah so if something else happens, I’ll just have to beg for food at my mums :’) isn’t this lovely. Another reason to sh. )so I could use the money, I could use the company.. I just really need it to be someone who I can still be myself with. I realized. I am in my early 20’s, an early 90’s kid and yeah this is the first house I feel at home. After almost a year I am settling a bit I guess. It’s ok for me to sit with my back against the room (instead of wall), I don’t feel like I need to be alert all the time.. there is no danger.. only from inside myself now.

Blablabla. Respect if you went through this all!