I seem like a pretty normal girl, on the outside

This blog post is very TRIGGERING due to talk about suicide and self harm

Hi,

People often think it’s weird that I have some issue’s because I seem like such a normal girl. It’s weird that I get angry a lot because I seem so sweet etc.
Looks can be deceiving.

Here’s an accurate example.

Facts Me talking to you in the present

I was in the taxi on my way to therapy. I have been writing about how hard it’s been and just me fighting through the holiday’s, holding on to this date (january second) because it’s the date I can go back to therapy and just see the girls and just be myself again. Vent. Talk. Have some real life support. So I was pretty excited about today. Kind of a ‘TGITD’ feeling (Thank God Its Therapy Day)
So I was in the taxi, and this company that drives me always manages to get me there either really early (like 30/45 minutes) or too late. Well, today was VERY important to me, so I didn’t want to be late. Btw, the drive is about 20 minutes, 25 tops. The taxi got here on time, which means he got 45 minutes to drop me of there. Well, we picked up other people on the way (which happens sometimes, they combine the rides, its cheaper for the company 😉 ) so I got stressed. Damn. I’m gonna be late! I asked the driver ‘Am I gonna be on time? I have to be there at 9.30 am’ he said to me ‘I am not sure’ I started to panick inside. Though my outside was still calm and cool, kinda poker face like, my inside started boiling. I opened my whatsapp and started talking (typing) to my mum.

Of course, we picked up another person  (besides the person we already picked up, so there was me, + another lady and NOW another male was coming in) and it was 9.15 and then I knew… I Wasn’t gonna make it.

It just exploded in me. What the hell, exploded. Why? I freaked out. I held on for SO damn long. Fought through these damn ‘holiday’s’ and for WHAT? just so that I’ll miss the only thing I’ve been looking forward too? Fuck you. I want to die. Wtf? Don’t be silly, you’re just late. I want to kill myself RIGHT NOW. I don’t care that I’m in the cab, and there are 3 other people around me, I want to slit my wrist or put a bullet through my brains RIGHT NOW.

Yeah…. I see it’s stupid. RIGHT NOW. But at that moment (back then) I can’t. At that moment, I am panicking. I don’t see how it can get better. I don’t see how I will get better. I only see 1 way out and that way is suicide. I am scared to death. Unfortunately I know, if I had something with me in my purse, like a razor, I would’ve cut myself, while I was sitting next to the driver. All the normal things go out the window, the only thing that matters is that I have to die, no matter what. I have to be gone, I have to escape.

I seem like a pretty normal girl, on the outside.

Cruel?

WARNING! This post contains TRIGGERS

 

Am I being cruel if I say I wish I died during the abuse?
That I wish I died before my mum got divorced and moved out of the house with me?
Am I ruining the chance others didn’t get?
Am I being ungrateful for the opportunity others clearly did not get?
Am I being unthankful by chosing or wishing death? While I have the option?

I just wish it because while I was being abused I never saw a future without to be honest, or maybe I did.. I don’t really know. It’s all really blurry in my head. I do know I wanted to do porn and stuff, but part of me must have hoped this would be over sometime? Or maybe not? Because otherwise I wouldn’t have tried to commit suicide when I was 13.

I wish I died before I was 16 because I didn’t know anything else but abuse. Of course I saw it in movies and stuff, but it was faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away and this was always very accurate;
31ee2584960033e816273b74efd1add2

At some point the safest place was my bedroom, however, the bedroom was IN that home! How stupid is that?!

Right now I’m seeing all these opportunity’s. These people have gone from my life and new doors have opened and yet I still cannot get past it. I’m still stuck. Almost as if nothing has changed (in my head).

Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain

I feel cruel for thinking.. this, let alone writing this. Disgusting and a disgrace.

But a part of me is just thinking ‘its not about comparison.. it’s just about me wanting to be dead and I just link it to the abuse that happened to ME and that is still wandering in my mind of which I just think might as well have killed me in the first place because I feel it will in the end anyways’.

Gross, what a depressive post.

Gonna go eat something and just go to bed early. Tomorrow will be the last therapy day for 2013… yikes!

xoxo
Brianna

Memories; Am I allowed to die now?

TRIGGER warning! About death/suicide and just depressing stuff

Hi,

This is a big trip down memory lane, well… not big as in far behind, must have been like 5 or 6 months ago? I am really bad at time though.

NOTEBOOK
Who remembers this from the movie ‘The Notebook’?
(If you haven’t seen the movie, you might want to stop reading, because I’ll be spoiling it! It’s really a must see! Very beautifully romantic 🙂 )

So the movie is about these 2 love birds, and in the end of the movie, (the woman is sick) and she dies in bed, while holding her partner’s hand and him lying next to her. If I remember correctly, he dies shortly after her as well. (Of a broken heart? I don’t remember him being sick though) Anyway, they both died in this position (as the photo above)

Uhm.. so for now, let’s delete the romantic part 😉

“Am I allowed to die now?”
Was a big question in my mind about 5 or 6 months ago.
I knew the procedure (to request euthanasia), I had everything planned out.

Of course dying is scary, but I’ve been fighting for an ok live for over 20 years and I was done. I really believed that I had given it enough time and everything. I was just done.
*cough* Abraham… was in the picture then as well. He didn’t like me wanting to request euthanasia. It all went pretty ugly, I did feel a little manipulated in my choice (by therapy, not Abraham) and in the end I didn’t formally request. But I was so sure of them accepting my request, you can’t deny the fight I have delivered. The pain I caused and keep on causing my mother/sister/bestie(/+ Abraham at that time) by living. I have fought, been in therapy for 8 or 9 years, nobody seems to know what to do, or how to help me. How could they say no? How could they deny me a death with dignity, and force me to hang myself, slit my wrists or jump in front of a train (which in the end, all of the things will have a chance of traumatizing the person finding me/hitting me).

But I had it planned out.
I did describe how I felt save with Abraham somewhere in my blog.
Yes I was scared of death, of course, of what might come, but I thought nothing could be worse than my life and the pain I’m causing others. And then I thought.. I’m gonna ask Abraham to be with me, I’d want him close enough so he’ll be able to hold me, and then.. I wont be afraid of anything anymore. I know it’ll be okay (death ofcourse..)
You’re here, there is nothing I fear
I was SO sure of that. I never asked him, because I wanted to wait, to make sure everything was ok and then maybe make sure he was ok with it, to be with me at that moment. But I was planning on asking him. I thought and knew it would be the most peaceful death I could ever wish for.

I stumbled on that picture yesterday, and suddenly this all popped in to my head again. Made me a little sad.

I am not in the right place now to answer the question ‘Are you glad you’re still alive?’
Rationally I’d say; yes of course! Found new hope.
Emotionally I’d say; No, I’m not glad and I regret missing that opportunity.

But since I know (rationally 😉 ) that there were times since that I’ve been flying high since then, and that it’s not clever to make a drastic choice (answer) like that when you’re emotional. I’d say, ignore what I’m saying emotionally, and listen to what I’m saying rationally.

xoxo
Brianna

(This is my 98’s post by the way! It’s all going so quick!)

What if..

What if I’m just being a brat?
What if there’s nothing wrong with me?
What if I don’t have ptsd but am just being niminiy-piminy or hoity-toity? (ok I just laughed for a solid minute about those words)
What if I’m just spoiled?
What if I’m just lazy?
What if this is all in my head?
What if everyone else is right.. therapy won’t work if there’s nothing wrong?
What if I’m just spoiled and I want my own way?

I don’t know anymore. Why doesn’t this work? Why am I alone? Why am I not in school? Why don’t I have a job? Why does everything rely on so many people?
Why do I collapse with even the tiniest bit of pressure? Why do I break down every day in tears?

WHAT IF I’M JUST LAzY?

Why won’t stuff work? Why am I not going the normal path people go?

I canceled the meeting tomorrow. I was crying and suicidal about the whole thing, when I decided not to go, I felt a little bit better, like 1 problem was solved. But then again.. what will others think of me? That stupid girl who just cancels because she gets stressed of a train ride of 4 hours. Stupid thing.

I am so weird, I can be in tears and crying and yet when I found those weird words (I wrote above) I just started laughing hysterically :/
Does that mean that either of those 2 emotions are fake? Maybe the tears were fake? But how can something so heavy be fake? And I really laughed, never heard of those words before!

I don’t understand myself, I wish there was a psychologist, who knew my ins and out, and could exactly tell me ‘this is wrong & this is what we need to do’. Why does it not work like that? Nobody seems to really know me… I don’t even know me! I’m so different, everywhere. Even at home I am different (When I’m alone) there’s no real me. Never was… I was a tomboy, who liked barbies. I was a pervert who acted like a prude. I am loud but I am shy. I am hyper and yet so calm. I love and yet I reject. I scream and yet I whisper. I look but I don’t see. I feel but I don’t understand. I live but I sense death.

What the fuck is wrong with me, don’t fit in with anybody, how did this happen to me? 

When I was younger, I imagined my life so much more different.
I thought I’d be at the university studying law by now. With a lot of friends, a boyfriend, my own place + pets. I never thought I’d be in therapy, I never thought I needed medication, I never thought I’d still have suicidal thoughts.
(Just a side note, I really am not planning to do something about those thoughts. I guess my rational part does realize it’s not the option. But the thoughts keep coming back)


Eu estou tentando não preciso de você, mas ele está me destruindo

 

xoxo
Brianna

Losing someone

Hi,

In the ‘long’ cab drives from home – therapy and back I do get a lot of thinking. Staring outside and just have my mind wander off.
A while ago I found this quote;
When you lose someone, you don’t lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time. ~ Simon Birch
And since then it’s been going in and out of my mind, but today it got stuck and I thought about it a lot more. Of course influences like realizing the loneliness, the loss, things happening in the world or just around me make me think as well.

Luckily I haven’t seen much of death. My uncle died when I was about 13 or 14 years.. I don’t really remember much. He was very sick, with cancer. I was very depressed and I know I was a little afraid because he had changed so much  (because of the illness). (I knew him since I was a baby, saw him many times a year) My grandpa died when I was very young (like 1-year-old?) so I don’t remember him.

So a part of me feels like I don’t really have the right to talk about the quote or this stuff, because I haven’t really been through the same, or the worst for that matter.

I’m going to do it anyway, while knowing it’s NOT death, but just estranged.

For instance, my grandmother, whom I love very much. She lives about 2500 km away? So I really don’t get to see her often. And every time I do, I keep wondering ‘was this the last time?’ I try not to think about her leaving the world, not only not being able to say goodbye (money issues) and just knowing when I go to that country, she won’t be there. I had/have a very intense relationship. My grandmother was like my mother for the first 6 years of my life. Took good care of me and gave me a lot of love.
Of course there’s the whole loneliness feeling and of course with that there are a lot of other people’s names attached (well.. a lot isn’t true. a few).

Looking at these kind of people/situations, I do feel I can relate to that quote to some extent. Like when my grandma left Holland, a big part of me felt dead, not being able to go to her room and ask for a hug, just not having her support here 24/7. I do think of it like a big thing (just to paint a picture;), like a puzzle. With maybe 10000 pieces 😉 . When my grandmother left Holland, a lot of pieces got shattered and lost, maybe even 50%. So to me that was huge. But I do realize that over the years, I am still feeling her loss. Her absence. When I do see her.. it’s like she’s already moving away from the world. I don’t know what (and if) I’ll see next time.
So it feels like even though I still had like 50% of the puzzle, over the years and over time, pieces are still breaking/vanishing. And it still hurts. Not like it did, no.. a lot less. But painful enough to have me wonder ‘what the hell is this?’ and have my eye drop a few tears.

Thinking in PTSD terms, I feel like I lost a lot there aswell. I lost my youth, my father, a big piece of my mother… and all those things still hurt. It could be because I am totally in the middle of that right now, accepting.. or trying to accept. Going through these grieving stages, back and forth from denial/anger/hurt (it’s like I’m stuck by the way, especially since I keep going back to the denial part, anyway) so my puzzle is breaking, breaking hard. I’m a little bit afraid I’ll still feel pieces of the puzzle breaking and vanishing 15 years from now. I’m glad it’ll be a lot less painful, but still sad.

It’s like people are irreplaceable. Things like parents or your youth are irreplaceable as well. It isn’t like ‘well I’m 18 now, lost my youth, cried hard about it & now that’s done’.
Of course there are a lot of other great people, I really do NOT deny that. You never know whats around the river bend. But I do know.. it’s not that person. It still hurts.. why does it still hurt?
Will it ever stop hurting?

I do really appreciate the good memories I still have, and I realize I’ll always have them, but do I want to?

When will the last piece go?

I can’t erase, so I’ll take blame
But I can’t accept that we’re estranged

xoxo
Brianna