Recovery; where am I?

Hi,

The last few days have been pretty good actually! I was quite busy but in a good way. Meeting up with people and just socializing 🙂 felt real good!

Today I talked to Justy (who I met up with yesterday as well!) about therapy and something Brandon and I are ‘argue-ing’ about sometimes.
And it gave me some insights, well, she gave me some insights.

The conversation with Brandon sort of goes like this. (btw, remember me wanting my topomax from the pharmacy, because it helps against nightmare’s?)

Brandon; You need to take responsibility for your life
Me; No! This life is not my responsibility. I’ll accept my past and move on from here, see what I can do with the things that are left.
Brandon; Your nightmares are your responsibility.
Me; No, I don’t like that word. I’ll accept them, but they’re not my responsibility, I didn’t choose them.
Brandon; Whose responsibility are they then? The women from the pharmacy?
Me; Well… they’re OUR responsibility

Justy immediately said he was testing me. I asked her, testing me for what?…… Testing me on how far along I probably am in coming to terms with my past. I don’t think it’s a secret that I can be stubborn. Especially not on this blog 😉 At this moment, I refuse to call my past, and the things I’m stuck with, my responsiblity. But as I was talking with Justy about this, I felt and just knew it was a matter of time before I would be able to replace the word accept to responsiblity.

I do think refusing to take responsibility is a little ‘childish’ of me, and not in a particularly negative way. It just seems to me that I’m not ready yet to accept that it’s really true what happened. And it really can’t be changed, by no-one. I really can’t get my childhood back. I really won’t get a father and a mother, the way I want to. I really won’t be able to turn back time, or be able to erase the memories. 

But untill then, I seem to cover it up with ‘acceptance’, untill I am ready to take the acceptance blanket off. I already know what’s lying underneath. It’s responsibility.

xoxo
Brianna

Seroquel/Quetiapine – My caretaker

Hi,

Obsessive as I am, or maybe it’s a little bit nicer to say ‘observing’ as I am ( 😉 ), I think I know why I tend to take my crisis medication (which is seroquel XR (also known as quetiapine)) sometimes and sometimes I really DON’T want it, although I can feel really horrible.

I’ve talked about me (Brianna) and the other me part, who is like a child part of me (Brenda). Well.. I think, and to be clear, this is what I think, that when I’m mainly thinking like Brianna, I will not take my crisis medication. Because I want to deal with this on my own. I don’t want to numb out, I don’t want the medication to knock me out into a sleep (which it does), I want do this on my own. Even if it means me losing something (like, self harm or something like that).

When I’m thinking more like Brenda, I long for the medication. The medication is my ‘mother’ who takes care of me. Who calms me down. Who puts me to bed and makes sure, everything will be ok for now.

Brenda-thinking only happens when I’m very triggered. Like saturday with the police, it was absolutely no problem to take the crisis medication.
However, before the police came, I was feeling like shit and suicidal as well… But there wasn’t a part of me thinking about taking the medication, I wanted to take care of this on my own! I don’t want to be knocked out! It doesn’t solve a thing! I get angry at people telling me ‘go get your seroquel’….. like; NO. That’s easy, because I’ll be off your back for a while. But the problem will still be here when I wake up.

But when I’m in a total Brenda modus.. Seroquel? Yes please!!!! *happy face*

Seroquel is the caretaker, for Brenda.
But definitely NOT for me.

Right now (today) I’m doing pretty ok actually. I’m keeping myself busy with working on my poem book (I’m making a book of my poems, and decorating each page with something! It’s distracting and calms me down. So I guess it’s a win-win!)

xoxo
Brianna

As good as it gets

Hi,

So….. the flu.
Sucks.

So I’ve been inside my house since thursday, and I’m going insane 😉
I think this is as good as it gets. My nose is still running and I’m still coughing like my lungs are trying to get out, but I guess it’s the best for now.

Tomorrow therapy again. The gym-therapy is canceled for tomorrow so I’ll only have therapy till 12.30 pm which is incredibly short. Brandon isn’t there, and IF I want to talk to someone they’ll probably tell me to talk to Betty.. Well how about no? Got a talk scheduled Wednesday with Brandon again so I’ll just wait till Wednesday.

There has been so much going on in my head and the flu on top of that. Now it feels like back to real life.. and real life means back to ptsd, and I don’t want that. To be honest I’m at that point again where I want to deny me having ptsd. I just don’t want to talk let alone think about it. I don’t have ptsd ok.

Got bad news past week as in, I’ll have to pay a lot for Polly next year due to budget cuts and I can’t afford it. So I’m probably gonna lose Polly, and with losing Polly goes my whole ‘back-to-school’ plan… Seriously? They want people to get out of the whole welfare situations, but they make it impossible cause everything that might help gets cut. What the hell!

I just wish I didn’t have this cptsd.
I wish somethings were a little easier

Nights are still horrible though. Got like 2 types of medication from the psychiatrist, 1 of them is addictive so I have to stop with it somewhere next week, but I’m supposed to sleep a lot better. Well… If 3 or 4 am is a lot better… then we’re on the same page. I just thought 1 am might be a lot better -_- anyway, the new medication does help with flashbacks and nightmares so that is comforting… hmm I didn’t even have a flashback this weekend… funny! Didn’t even realise.

Anyway.. still fighting 😉 like I have a choice..

So hopefully, I’m back and activ on WordPress again!

xoxo
Brianna

Quiet

Hi,

I have been quite quiet actually on here.
I do have some idea’s for blog posts but just can’t get myself to start.

I want to talk, but I can’t seem to find the words. I want to communicate, but I can’t seem to make the sound. I want the company, but I seem to make the contact.

I feel a little bit lost. Of course its 2.30 am and I’m not sleeping. Tuesday I have an appointment with the psychiatrist. Tomorrow (today, Monday) I have therapy… 09.00 am till 05.00 pm 😦 I just know I don’t need to put on any make-up because I KNOW I’ll cry it off.

My weekend was weird, since I felt sick, which triggered some stuff I guess.

I am doing ok I guess, I’m still here, haven’t self harmed etc.. but somehow I always feel myself glancing back at something that stayed behind.. or just switched course.

I surrender..
Every night’s getting longer, and this fire’s getting stronger baby
I’ll swallow my pride, and I’ll be alive, didn’t you hear my call? I surrender all.

I just want to be alive you know? Of course, I’m breathing and my heart is beating. But I feel hollow, empty. I can laugh, I can smile.. I can do it all.. but I just don’t think it’s real. It doesn’t feel real.
I am stuck and lost and stuck and lost all over again.

There are a million questions I’d like to ask, but no-one seems to know the answer. I can glance up to the sky all I want, but I can’t hear a thing. I can scream and shout all want, but the companion I once had, shut me out.

Of course this is one of my Im-feeling-depressed-night-blogs and yeah sure, it’ll be a new day after I wake up (even though it might be I wake up from a sleep of 1 hour).

Gonna go write some poems, usually I can express myself in them.

xoxo
Brianna

Memories; Am I allowed to die now?

TRIGGER warning! About death/suicide and just depressing stuff

Hi,

This is a big trip down memory lane, well… not big as in far behind, must have been like 5 or 6 months ago? I am really bad at time though.

Who remembers this from the movie ‘The Notebook’?
(If you haven’t seen the movie, you might want to stop reading, because I’ll be spoiling it! It’s really a must see! Very beautifully romantic 🙂 )

So the movie is about these 2 love birds, and in the end of the movie, (the woman is sick) and she dies in bed, while holding her partner’s hand and him lying next to her. If I remember correctly, he dies shortly after her as well. (Of a broken heart? I don’t remember him being sick though) Anyway, they both died in this position (as the photo above)

Uhm.. so for now, let’s delete the romantic part 😉

“Am I allowed to die now?”
Was a big question in my mind about 5 or 6 months ago.
I knew the procedure (to request euthanasia), I had everything planned out.

Of course dying is scary, but I’ve been fighting for an ok live for over 20 years and I was done. I really believed that I had given it enough time and everything. I was just done.
*cough* Abraham… was in the picture then as well. He didn’t like me wanting to request euthanasia. It all went pretty ugly, I did feel a little manipulated in my choice (by therapy, not Abraham) and in the end I didn’t formally request. But I was so sure of them accepting my request, you can’t deny the fight I have delivered. The pain I caused and keep on causing my mother/sister/bestie(/+ Abraham at that time) by living. I have fought, been in therapy for 8 or 9 years, nobody seems to know what to do, or how to help me. How could they say no? How could they deny me a death with dignity, and force me to hang myself, slit my wrists or jump in front of a train (which in the end, all of the things will have a chance of traumatizing the person finding me/hitting me).

But I had it planned out.
I did describe how I felt save with Abraham somewhere in my blog.
Yes I was scared of death, of course, of what might come, but I thought nothing could be worse than my life and the pain I’m causing others. And then I thought.. I’m gonna ask Abraham to be with me, I’d want him close enough so he’ll be able to hold me, and then.. I wont be afraid of anything anymore. I know it’ll be okay (death ofcourse..)
You’re here, there is nothing I fear
I was SO sure of that. I never asked him, because I wanted to wait, to make sure everything was ok and then maybe make sure he was ok with it, to be with me at that moment. But I was planning on asking him. I thought and knew it would be the most peaceful death I could ever wish for.

I stumbled on that picture yesterday, and suddenly this all popped in to my head again. Made me a little sad.

I am not in the right place now to answer the question ‘Are you glad you’re still alive?’
Rationally I’d say; yes of course! Found new hope.
Emotionally I’d say; No, I’m not glad and I regret missing that opportunity.

But since I know (rationally 😉 ) that there were times since that I’ve been flying high since then, and that it’s not clever to make a drastic choice (answer) like that when you’re emotional. I’d say, ignore what I’m saying emotionally, and listen to what I’m saying rationally.

xoxo
Brianna

(This is my 98’s post by the way! It’s all going so quick!)

How can you have PTSD?

“How can you have PTSD?”

Hi,

I hear this a lot. And not just to myself, but to others as well. (It’s not like I’m walking around the street with a sight that say’s ‘PTSD’!)

I get the feeling that the average people don’t understand it.
Someone asked me that and said ‘I only thought people from the army get PTSD’
After a minute of open mouth staring I asked him ‘Why do they get PTSD?’
He said ‘Because the situation in war country’s is traumatic’
I told him ‘A lot of situations in Holland are traumatic as well’

He was quiet but told me I was right.

How the hell can people not realize this?
We are not a perfect country!

I did some research on the internet, and yeah, internet is internet but assuming I found the right statistics, and if it’s the truth it means;

• In Holland every week a child dies because of child abuse
• In Holland every year 350000 children are being abused (that are 3 kids out of every class)
• In wealthy countries (like Holland) 5 – 10 % of the girls get raped during their youth. 1 – 5 % of the boys
• In Holland every 30 minutes a pupil attempts suicide
• In Holland are more than 100000 children a witness of domestic violence every year
• In Holland 1 in every 20 kids, self harms.

source: http://informatie-kindermishandeling.blogspot.nl/2012/01/cijfers-kindermishandeling-hoe-vaak.html

You can’t be serious about asking the question how someone, who does not work in the army, has PTSD.

Holland, it costs our society about 3 billion euro’s every year to carry the costs of (the effects of) child abuse.

source: http://www.trouw.nl/tr/nl/4324/Nieuws/article/detail/1325681/2007/07/10/rsquo-Kindermishandeling-kost-de-samenleving-heel-veel-geld-rsquo.dhtml

This is a mad world..

But I wont give up.

xoxo
Brianna