NEE ik doe GEEN aangifte.

This post will be in Dutch for now, I may post this in English later on.

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Een van de dingen waar ik met de tijd ben achter gekomen is dat ik iemand ben die zegt wat die vind. Geen blad voor de mond. En dat is ook wat ik hiermee ga doen.

Ik ben fel tegen aangifte doen over een zedendelict in Nederland.

De organisatie er om heen is wat ik zo walgelijk er aan vind. En dit zei ik al half binnensmonds een paar jaar geleden, wachtend op nieuws van het OM, maar na slepende jaren kan ik, en durf ik het vol uit te zeggen; Nederland stinkt als het gaat om zorgen om zedendelict slachtoffers.

Er zal ook geen aangifte meer komen van mijn kant, niet met dit systeem. Of het ligt aan de bezuinigingen, waardoor er allerlei rechtbanken zijn gefuseerd, of gewoon pure bureaucratie maakt me ook geen reet uit. Het komt erop neer dat het schadelijk is (in mijn ogen) voor degene die aangifte doet uiteindelijk. Dat lijkt me alles behalve de bedoeling.

“Je wilt toch niet dat diegene vrij rond blijft lopen?” Oh, nee tuurlijk wil ik dat niet. Maar een aangifte stopt dat niet. De lage maximum straffen (die vaak niet eens gehaald worden) van onze lieftallige wetgever zorgen wel dat diegene uit zichzelf vrij rond loopt.
“Je wilt toch niet dat diegene het bij anderen kan doen?” Nee, natuurlijk niet. Wat een ongelofelijk domme opmerking! Sinds wanneer ben ik verantwoordelijk voor andersmans daden? En dan weer een mooie verwijzing terug naar de lage straffen, diegene krijgt genoeg kans om het nog een keer te doen.

Ik zal een kleine schets geven van hoe het bij mij verliep.

Aangifte bij de zedenpolitie (wat natuurlijk hartstikke zwaar is, de mensen zelf waren aardig gelukkig), ze geven aan dat je na 3 maanden wat zult horen. Na 9 maanden nog niks gehoord > mijn zaak heeft geen prioriteit. (au… okay…)
Een jaar later worden er paar verdachten gehoord. En wordt het afgerond bij de zedenpolitie en gaat de hele meuk naar het OM. 

Daar besluiten ze er lekker op te zitten broeden voor ongeveer 3 jaar. Ondertussen sturen ze me wel nonchalant een brief, met paar vragen. (Laat me je vertellen, elke brief die ik krijg “we gaan ABC verhoren”/ “we hebben zojuist KLM verhoord”/”je zaak wordt door gestuurd naar het OM”/”wil je op de hoogte gehouden worden door het OM?”< al deze brieven, rakelen alles weer op) Netjes beantwoord en weer terug gestuurd. 

Vervolgens hoor je weer niks van ze. En als je denkt zelf te bellen heb je het mooi mis, je wordt van het kastje naar de muur gestuurd. 

Anderhalf jaar later (na die ENE brief) krijg ik precies dezelfde brief, waar ook nog letterlijk in staat dat ik (anderhalf jaar terug) nooit gereageerd heb (het moest binnen 14 dagen). OM logica! Nou goed, opnieuw ingevuld, en nu wat dingen aangepast. Ondertussen was ik wel klaar met die aangifte die ik 500 jaar voor Christus had gedaan. Ik was inmiddels ook 4 a 5 jaar ouder (bijna een kwart van m’n leven)

En ondertussen, wordt er natuurlijk alles van je verwacht he. Dat je je leven op pakt (je wordt toch geen uitkering trekker? enz.) op alle vlakken. Nou, maatschappij wilt, ik doe. 

En dan besluit het OM dat ze (blijkbaar) klaar zijn met broeden. Ik krijg een brief in de bus dat over 14 dagen de rechtzaak plaats zal vinden. PS. ik zou maar een advocaat nemen als ik jou was. (Nouja, zo stond het er niet, maar zo had het er kunnen staan)

Ehm.. ik had net m’n leven op gepakt.. dingen begonnen.. en nu jullie zelf bepalen dat het tijd is (ik had namelijk tijd hiervoor toen ik aangifte deed, niet 5 jaar later) moet ik maar weer gehoorzamen. 
Needless to say, m’n hele wereldje stortte weer in. Doei studie, doei stabiliteit. 

Ik vind dit ronduit walgelijk. Oh en daarbij komt ook nog eens hun geweldige bezuiniging op de zorg, die het moeilijk maakt om ondersteuning te krijgen hierbij. Wat dat betreft zou ik al helemaal zeggen, zet je 100% in op zorg + herstel. Laat de rest maar zitten.

Ik kan eerlijk zeggen, deze hele zaak heeft meer kapot gemaakt dan goed.

Ben je opzoek naar erkenning? De juiste hulpverlening, en mensen om je heen zullen je die geven. Bovendien zal de advocaat van de dader je de grond in trappen tot je bij de kern van de aarde bent en daar wegschroeit (blijkbaar heeft die advocaat zelf geen geweten.. of doet ‘ie dat soort dingen ook in z’n vrije tijd.)

zo, dat is eruit 🙂

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If you say so

image

I couldn’t find a reason to stay among the living, so I searched for it among the dead.

Today I visited a cemetery. For multiple reasons.
– I wanted to (as stated above) look for a reason to stay.
– I wanted to say I’m sorry to them, for being ungrateful with my life while (probably) most of them didn’t want to die.
– I was looking for a safe place. A place where it’s actually okay to cry.

I think it did me well to go. I saw a lot of touching things, made me cry, cry for them, the people around them. The hurt they must have been feeling or maybe still are feeling.

I sat there on a bench and did some stuff that was hard for me to do, but it felt easier there.

Though it brought me a lot. On my way home, my muscles still were burning in pain. This rock was still smothering my lungs. I still felt this agonizing pain inside. I could barely walk normal. Or even hold my tears.

I’m pretty sure I’ll go back, I just don’t know when yet.

Plan A or B?

Hi,

So tomorrow I have an appointment at the new therapy unit. It’ll be with someone from my old unit though and Brandon will work there aswell. I’ve got two plans.
By the way, I got to tell, my mood is kinda low. I feel really alone and misunderstood.

Plan A; Go there, throw myself at their shoes. Beg for a hug, and for them to listen to me. To give me some comfort. Cry because FINALLY there’s someone around who understands me and SEE’S me. Praise the Lord. Kiss the ground.

I’m really not kidding.

Plan B; Just do as I’m told. Act all cool. It’s an ‘official’ appointment.  To see if they can do anything for me and stuff.. But anyway, don’t act all desperate.

Obviously plan A is all emotional an B all rational. Now where is C? A nice mix of both.

The appointment will be at 9.30 am. Right after that I’ll meet with some girls from my old therapy group, which probably will be good. They are more understanding.
I feel a major ocean of tears coming up. I better brace myself, and Brenda, although we’ll probably just entwine.

Why tear each other apart?
Please tell me why
Why do we make it so?
I look at us now
We only got ourselves to blame
It’s such a shame

So come and face me now
Here on this stage tonight


Let’s leave the past behind us

What’s come between us?
Only tear drops

 

It – honestly – breaks my heart, to stumble upon misunderstandings, or any kind of walls. Upon mouths being shut and heads being turned. Especially those who used to look and lend a hand.
And just to make it a little bit more painful, it only seems to break my heart.

xoxo
Brianna

Two sides

Well hello flu, long time no see

I’m feeling terrible again. Soar throat, coughing, full nose, high temperature, headache. I was sick in March twice, April 0, now May 1. Lets keep it like that.

Anyway, it always has two sides I guess. I had a lovely weekend. Saw the puppy ❤ and had a great sleepover with the girls from my old therapy group. So it actually is the best time to get sick, because being sick right now, means I’ll be better the 24th, and that’s the day I’m going to welcome the puppy home. It’s actually right in between two great things. So I do ‘have the time’ to be sick.

It’s just sucky that it triggers me.

So right now I still am doing everything to keep me balanced. I actually stopped taking the oxazepam, since it’s giving me weird dreams. If I’m having crisis I’m going to take quetiapine (it’s stronger, but ok). I’m sleeping on the couch. Creating everything as save as possible for myself and just giving myself what I need within the possibilities.

For instance, eating popsicle when I want to, carrying my security blanket around me all the time, sleep whenever I feel the need to.

xoxo
Brianna

The medicated world

Hi,

Sticking to my medication recipe; 24/7 zombie by oxazepam + normal medication (topomax and prozac)

There is this huge part of me who fights against taking the extra’s. Because I don’t want to rely on that kind of medication. But it’s 11 pm right now and I haven’t cried for at least 3 hours right now, and that is really a record! Sure, I have felt depressed and have been sitting on my couch staring. Made rude comments to people saying ‘life sucks’ and ‘who cares’. BUT I haven’t cried.

So maybe there’s a plus size to this whole zombie oxazepam thing.

Today I phoned again with the therapist (it’s the second time I did that) and it’s already getting too much for her. She actually told me to go talk to Betty. While she knows I can not talk to Betty. I have major issue’s with Betty, Betty knows and even put that in my file. Felt a bit irritated by that, but ok. We’ll see tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’ll have to work again. I AM gonna take my medication, but I will take it around 2 pm, then when I go to work, it wont be to strong anymore and hopefully people will get their drinks properly.. and their change of course.

Saturday I’ll be going on a birthday party (with sleep over) which should be fun. It’s from one of the girls from therapy.
Sunday there’s something fun to do at work, in the afternoon, so I’ll go there as well.
It seems like my weekend has got some distraction at least 🙂

Current state; head above water, finally!

xoxo
Brianna

Rational and sober?

Hi,

Sober isn’t the right word though but I’m starting to think that rational and sober aren’t really working for me right now.
I had a terrible and ok day at the same time.

I’m glad I met up with my friend first, whom I asked because I was feeling bad, we had a nice time sat outside on a bench (sun was shining etc) and talked a bit. He asked me what was wrong. I wasn’t really able to talk about it, I told him a little bit and started crying immediately so I decided just not to talk about it.
After that I met up with another friend to go to a festival, it was fun. But I really felt clouds above my head. I think the fact that I had some (human)distraction was the only thing that stopped the rain from coming out of the clouds.

But as we walked home from the festival the clouds started smothering me. Though my friend was still with me, she saw I was about to burst in to tears.

I want so much to stay rational and not to let this feeling win. But it’s like I’m fighting on my own, maybe with 1 friend at my side, against 3 million soldiers.

I remember telling the friend I went to the festival with that the pain inside felt unbearable. It’s just too much. And as I got home and the tears came out, it really was awful. I know it sounds weird or dramatic.. but it’s at that point where I grab the couch with one hand just to keep a hold to something because the pain inside is so strong, so much, so overwhelming. It’s killing. and I don’t feel like I can take it on my own.
How can someone stay rational during that?!

Anyway, I emailed my therapist and decided (against my principles) to take an oxazepam. I just could not handle the evening and night any other way.
Tomorrow I will call the therapist I emailed.

When I’m looking back at all this stuff. The unstable-ness (I think) really started april 2nd. The morning I was last brought with the taxi to therapy. It was a terrible ride and I start crying right now, when I think about it. I immediately stopped taking the taxi. I remember getting out of the cab and I broke. I called my health insurance (they pay for the taxi) and I just cried on the phone telling them what happened and that I really didn’t want to be driven by that chauffeur anymore. They actually were very nice to me and usually the costumer has to make an official complaint. But I just couldn’t stop crying. They phoned me back an hour later, I was still crying, shaking, hyperventilating and that’s when they decided they would file the complaint for me.
The afternoon Abraham picked me up and I actually never used the taxi anymore.

I’m just wondering.. did that set me off? Was the trigger that big?

So.. right now. Drunk on medication is the only way for me to live. But I don’t want to go through life like a zombie. So why not shoot me right now?

 

xoxo
Brianna

Acceptance and CPTSD

Hi,

I have been really quiet lately, on here, on twitter on internet overall actually.

Looking back on the period I think I have been very busy with dealing and accepting and fitting the CPTSD into my daily life and making everything as normal as possible. Now I realize that sounds negative, but it really isn’t. Because I’ve been ok with it. Still am. There are moments I still long for the company, but there are moments I just go out and squeeze myself into the crowd and try to be ok with what I can get from that, and strangely enough, it makes me happy.

I seem to have the best medication combination for myself right now (it took me 7 years to get to this combination so I think it’s ok to have found it by now 😉 ) and step by step… maybe… I’m just moving forward.

Is it easy? No, it’s not. For instance, yesterday I got triggered real bad at therapy and there was absolutely no space for my problems. Brenda was very upset.
I had to deal with it on my own even though there were therapists around me. It made me a little angry. Why should I do this all alone? You are here around me!
But in the end, I’m glad I calmed her down by myself.

I’m still scared, and I still get upset. I still cry like a baby sometimes, and grab on to my security blanket like there’s no tomorrow, but somehow I seem to survive that every time.
Maybe it’s just what it is, right now. So, instead of trying to reprocess all the trauma, I’m trying to accept the trauma, and still be happy with my life. Still be smiling.

Although right now, I’m having a sad moment.. (I know it’s probably PMS) I feel I have more distance at the whole situation, instead of drowning in the sadness I feel.

Now I’m gonna take Brenda and myself to bed, because staying up while I’m this sad, is never going to do any good. I could use the sleep anyway 🙂

xoxo
Brianna

Coping

Hi,

After my big (dark)-blue cloud, and writing the blog post on here, which really helped. I realize just writing here, and being honest and open and getting the support from fellow bloggers is so helpful, which I think kind of lifted me up. Maybe I just wanted to be heard. To be seen, within my loneliness.
Even if it’s from a distance.

Since I’ve been sitting at home, inside all day, with this stupid cold. I wanted to go out, but not alone. I wanted to ask Abraham (yup, we can use the name again. I think being heard and seen made me a lot calmer and I think I knew what I needed, so I wanted to ask Abraham) to go for a walk outside. I knew, the chances of him saying yes were 0,001%, but I just wanted to ask him. He said he wasn’t in town.
And then this weird thing happened. I was like; well okay!
I texted him back; ok!
And I didn’t even really mind the fact that he said no. But I really enjoyed the clarity of the no. I don’t need to sit all evening doubting myself if I should ask him. Or maybe even cry because I feel so alone. I actually felt quite good. Maybe some other time.

I cleaned the house a bit, did the laundry (I was real behind on that), I even cooked myself some dinner (may I add that I haven’t cooked in the last 9 months) and right now I’m pretty tired so I’m going to go to bed.
Tomorrow Polly will come (hopefully), and I’ll be going to the pet store, because it was baby girl and baby boy’s birthday today! They turned 6 😀
I’m such a proud mum 😀 I’m gonna buy them 2 toys and a little treat.

Here a picture of them I took today 🙂

babyboy babygirl

 

xoxo
Brianna

Immunity problems

Hi,

 

I remember crazyinthecoconut.co.uk writing about immunity and trauma and how it might get affected and it got me thinking.

At this exact moment I’m experiencing flu symptoms, AGAIN. I’ve got a terrible headache, my throat is raw, a running nose, and my muscles hurt all over my body.
Well, a little trip down memory lane people! Body reminders, like flu, are triggers. So I am riding the trigger-rollercoaster right now. And just to make it all a little bit more fun, I have to work in 3 hours!

Of course canceling could be an option, I mean, call in sick. But you know, pussy as I am, I’m just too afraid to do that. What if they won’t believe me? I’m still in my ‘trial period’, even though it’s volunteers work, I really like it there! I don’t want to get send away. So I’ll just have to suck it up, and go do what I have to do.

Realizing that, Brenda starts (well, not starts, she was already whining) freaking out.

I tried stuffing some dinner into myself, which didn’t work. It turned out into me crying all over my dinner and calling my mom (who didn’t answer her phone), right now I’m not crying as loud as I was before, just tears streaming down my face silently.

Honestly? I feel helpless.

Please, NOT AGAIN.

It hasn’t even been a month since I have been sick. This will be the second time in 1 month!

xoxo
Brianna

Overload of tears

I can’t remember the last time I cried this much.
It can’t be that long ago, but I’ve been doing pretty ok, keeping myself pretty stable. Crying doesn’t mean I’m unstable, but it’s really a waterfall.

It started around 11.30 am at therapy. Got my ass whipped for speaking up. (basically > just speaking my point of view) Afterwards got all compliments from the girls for speaking up.
Anyway it didn’t help, tears came out. Unfair. No openness. Why would you kick my ass.

I don’t understand.

Right now, I’m still crying. Almost 10.30 pm.
I have periods of hyperventilating, although I do feel that’s more ‘Brenda crying’ because it’s very limitless. I completely drown in all sorrow and my own tears.

I can’t even grab Brenda’s hand and help her. I’m drowning myself. I’ve got my/our security blanket in my hand, all the time, and it brings comfort, a lot, but it doesn’t stop the tears from coming.

I feel completely broken. The road ahead feels shattered.
I feel like I’m standing alone, Brenda is shaking on her legs, trying to hold her own weight, standing behind me/hiding. And I don’t know what to do.

I really wish I had Abraham by my side right now. Not just because he gives the best advice ever. But because I’d like a hug. Brenda wants him around too.

I don’t think, well I’m pretty sure, I wont be going to therapy on Monday. I need the rest. I’ll go on Wednesday again, because 1. Brandon will be there (he’s the only half-save person there.) and 2. the ass-whipper is there as well. < Balance, right?

Right now you can really carry me away. My eyes are swollen. My head is about to burst. I am so upset, even the nap I had this afternoon (before the nap I cried, and after I woke, I started crying again!) didn’t regulate my feelings/state of mind.

What are my options?