So Boxing day wasn’t that much fun. I went to my sisters with my mother. And at some point she triggered the shit out of me. At first I didn’t feel good, Β because I just knew I had to be there with a smile on my face, even though I didn’t feel like smiling. But knowing my sister couldn’t handle seeing me sad or anything but happy, I just have to smile.. that’s just how it goes.

And she has a puppy right, and he chews on his toy’s with a lot of saliva (which stinks!!!) and she smelled on it and was like ‘euw! this stinks!’ and then she pressed it under my nose. I am sensitive for things that smell strongly like that. And it made me gag. My mother was standing in front of me and as I started gagging, and I kind of lost touch with reality I grabbed my mums arm, hoping it could keep me here, or that she might help me stay here. But she didn’t.. well.. no, she didn’t. And I remember my sister saying ‘Brianna, stop being a baby, you’re overreacting, act normal, jeez’ afterwards I was shaking on my legs and ready to burst out in to tears.
Let’s just say it wasn’t the best day πŸ˜‰

Yesterday was ok though, I had a vacation day planned but turned out i didn’t need it. Went grocery shopping and just had a normal friday.

Today however.. If someone would ask me how i was doing, I’d say I’m okay. Cause I guess I am. I don’t have suicidal thoughts or anything, nothing major has happened. I just feel like SHIT. I want to scream and cry and just crawl into someone arms and have them hug me and tell me it’ll be alright. That I will be alright.

Got a new years eve plan.
Since I’m alone and I hate that. I found out I still have 2 sedative medication-type-thingie’s. So I’m gonna take them. And that will probably mean, I’ll sleep my way through new years, well that’s the only positive thing about that whole celebration thing.


The ocean of depression and beach of stability


So this whole recovery thing is really what I want to do. No doubt.

But sometimes, like now, I feel like I’m balancing in the middle.

Since I like to paint a picture (in my mind) I did it again. Like I’m used to living in the ocean.. ocean of depression and full of depressed feelings and self harm/suicidal feelings/thoughts/actions, abuse, depressing songs, depressing movies… you know? Just feeling miserable. It feels like home at some point, because I’ve been living there all my life.. I’m like a mermaid….. (lol). But it’s not working, I want to live on the shore. But sometimes it’s so cold and I long for the ocean and it find myself purposely looking up sad songs on youtube and playing them and just laying myself down in that ocean of depression. In stead of just lying on the beach of stability which gives me a feeling of restlessness.. like something’s wrong, something is just not right when I’m there. and I feel miserable when I’m in the ocean, but I feel like I’m where i belong, you know?Β 

I know the beach is unknown for me and I must remind myself every freaking minute of every freaking day that I do belong on the beach, and I must resist the temptation of the ocean because in the long run, the ocean just does not work ( I tried and well it just does not.. look at me now πŸ˜‰ ) but still it’s so hard.Β 

It’s not a christmas break. Because I’m still stuck with myself. I’m not on holiday, I’m still stuck with myself. I can’t have a nice time, because I’ll always be stuck with myself.Β 
Jeez, that sounds depressing, but it’s just a 24/7 job, and it’s irritating.Β 

This afternoon I kinda collapsed after bestie went away. Brenda had a HUGE scream moment. I just went to bed and slept for 4 or 5 hours, but right now I think I’m going to bed again, just going to put on a movie or something like that.Β 

Tomorrow I’m going to my sisters, don’t get me wrong, love my sister.Β 
But she can’t see me in pain, or sad, or something like that, because it hurts her. So I have to be smiling and put my mask on all day long.Β 
Friday I have a vacation day (Betty called it like that), permission to lie in bed all day and do NOTHING. For one day at least.Β 

Well off to bed I am.Β 
Gonna take baby girl with me =)Β 


Christmas Eve & Growth?


So I actually have a LOT to talk about, and it’s 3.30 am and bestie just went to bed, me too, but since I’m not tired I wanted to write about today.

I woke up kinda feeling depressed, not wanting to do anything, but as the day went on I got a little more excited. It did fall down a lot as things went wrong (you know, just small things that Always go wrong when you’re in a hurry or something like that πŸ˜‰ )but when she arrived actually everything turned out okay πŸ™‚

We went to dinner and it was soooo much fun! We went to an Italian restaurant and it was delicious! 3 course dinner! Yummy πŸ˜€
After that, back to my house talked up till 3 and decided to go to bed.

I just really enjoyed myself. We really talked again about 1000 things πŸ˜›

And suddenly Brandon came up..
(Last week, Wednesday, i was feeling really bad because of the holiday and not having any talks anymore so I asked Brandon if I could talk to him after therapy, since we didn’t have a scheduled appointment. He said he was booked the whole afternoon, so I asked for a phone call on thursday which wasn’t a problem (yep I’m not a phone person, but i just asked it so I could get ‘rid’ of him.. you know :$ ? Without the whole awkward ‘i asked something and you said no’-situation) Β later (15 minutes before my taxi was supposed to arrive) I got the message that he did have time, so if i wanted i could go anyways, but it was too late for me to reschedule the taxi, so I couldn’t. So i called him, and asked if I could email him what was on my mind and just write it all down (since i get really irritated on the phone). But he told me he’s not an email person (-.-) so maybe I could email him, and he’d answer me by calling me. So i was like; ok that sounds reasonable. But then i’d have to email the secretariat and they would fast forward the mail to Brandon, and I was like; what the hell! You can’t ask me to put my thoughts on paper and send it to THEM! So in the end i never send and email and he never called)
Anyways, i was pissed πŸ˜› so I talked to bestie about that, but while talking i realized something…… I’m being stupid haha.

I am mad… but why?

I used to like Brandon. Why? Because he’s steady. he doesn’t give in, doesn’t run after me etc (no roller coaster effect)

So now i’m mad, why? Because he’s not running after me πŸ˜› ! When actually, him not running after me is what i like about him. Because that means he’s the person who keeps his head cool when my head is about to turn to 100 degrees.

Kinda childish behaviour, like it’s a subconscious test or something like that.. from me to him. Well he sure passed that one xD
Damn… glad i figured this one out. otherwise I’d be complaining untill I’d see him again, and probably be sitting stubborn across from him when we’d have an appointment πŸ˜› hahaha anyhow it’d be time loss for me πŸ˜‰ so no win.

overall Christmas Eve was GREAT! πŸ™‚
Nobody can take that away from me πŸ˜€


Christmas tree


So since I’ve been raised in a Catholic family we’ve always celebrated Christmas + a tree of course.
This is my first time calibrating christmas on my own, making my own plans, doing what I want to do, not being forced to do what others want me to do. But it’s the first time I also realize my mother thinks her boyfriend is more important than her daughter etc. It’s ok.
I got a christmas tree and it turned out to be quite some fun. Baby girl ‘helped’ me set it up πŸ˜‰ baby boy was very afraid haha.

I bought all new things for in the tree + I got all the old stuff from my grandma ❀ which was promised to me πŸ™‚
So my Christmas tree is half mine half my grandmothers πŸ˜€

It’s a real Brianna tree πŸ™‚ on top of it there’s a pink rose!
All kinds of coloured balls.
I got 3 stars with a small frame in them. I’m going to put 3 pictures in them, from the people who gave me a lot of positivity this year πŸ™‚ Bestie, Abraham and Justy ❀
+ a small little angel for all the people battling with ptsd and/or still being abused

I’m gonna try to make something of christmas this year… my own traditions.. πŸ™‚ things I am comfortable with.. not what society expects of me =)


That’s what friends are for


A thankful moment!

I’m alone at christmas + new years.

My bestie as well as my sister has invited me to spend it with them (my sister with her fiance and my bestie with her and her family) ❀
That is sΓ³ sweet! I am really touched by it. That they care so much about me spending the holiday’s alone.
I am not that scared of the holiday’s.. I’ll just make my own tradition I guess.. me and the cats πŸ˜‰
I know I get my grandmothers old decorations so I can decorate the house a little. Buy something special for the cats to eat. It’ll be ok πŸ™‚ !

But it’s so nice to know I am welcome at their place ❀