Don’t rain on my parade

Hi!

So I was having this beautiful New Years Eve parade. But people kept raining on it!!! ย So I turned of my phone -.-

I thought I was happy with it. But I guess I’m not.

People telling me I chose to be alone at New years. Yeah that’s true. I chose to be alone, because the other options were worse. I also choose to live, because otherwise I could commit suicide. So…. WHATS YOUR POINT? Ok. Brianna. Calm down.

Anyway, I want to explain and write it down here for myself clearly now.

I had 3 options for new years (well obviously a lot more, but 3 ‘reasonable’ ones)
1. With my sister + her fiancรฉe and his family + sleeping at my sisters(I wrote how I felt on boxing day right? She (my sister) triggering me? Me crying because I had to go there? So yeah, not really an option + My sisters fiancรฉe’s mother (still following?)Was my mentor in high school and she was a real mean woman to me back then!)
2. With my best friend + her mother + their whole family + sleep there (at bestie’s aunts house)(I know myself, and I don’t know why yet, but I don’t feel comfortable sleeping somewhere else (for the record 200km away from my own house). When it would’ve been me and bestie alone, i would’ve tried it, but I would’ve slept at her aunt’s house as the poor girl who no-one wants at new years. (This isn’t just an assumption btw, I’ve spent nights crying because I wasn’t sleeping in my own bed and my own environment)
3. Have my mum + her boyfriend (who is just a copy of my dad which means triggers) could have come over. But I chose myself. I don’t want anyone like HIM in MY house. It’s MY house. It’s up to ME who comes in and who doesn’t. I am in control!

So others options might have been, go spend it with my dad. Go out in to the town and get drunk and/or high and see where I end up.
But in the end I think I chose the safest and bestest option for MYSELF. I really don’t understand why someone feels the need to rain on my parade. I was happy and just chatting with other people who are alone and that ‘yeah, you chose to be on your own anyways, cause you could have spent new years with me’ YOU ARE WITH YOUR FAMILY, Do you really think I would have felt comfortable there? Is it just me? Am I crazy for not wanting to spend New Years with people I do not know? Well maybe it is me, but I can’t be the only one.

Anyway, the internet on my phone is OFF. So no internet for me. Just on the laptop and I’ll probably won’t get any phone calls. wished my mum a goodnight and I’ll see her tomorrow. Got my medication ready for when I want it.

xoxo
Brianna

Advertisements

2013 in a blog post

Might contain TRIGGERS

Hi,

So, 2013 in a blog post, this is gonna be nice one ๐Ÿ˜›

Well.. 2013 has been one heck of a year. Well I guess I say that every time, and every year it seems to surprise me what a chaotic life I have, which is weird, because it never has been different yet it keeps surprising me as if I expect different.
Anyway, it started real scary. I just moved to my own place. For the first time, living on my own. It was hard, finally a place of my own, now what? I started falling down hard, after a suicide attempt in february I didn’t really knew what to do with my life and just crawled back into my own fantasy world, which I used to do when I lived at home. I must have spent a few months there.. it was ok. After a while, I was ready to try back out again, and I started making contact with people. Mostly guys, let’s be honest xD. Went through the whole mick-mack with the heart-drama. Somewhere around May (?) I met Abraham, which I never saw coming and he gave me something I never thought I’d ever get, or I ever even wished or dreamed of, because I didn’t even know of its existence. Somewhere around July I started talking to Sander again I think, and Randy came… and went ๐Ÿ˜› man oh man, xD what a guy drama.

Mentally… what a rollercoaster. February was a big down for me. While Abraham was in my life I had a huge down (stopped with 2 medication type’s (Anti psychotic and anti depressant) which made all my emotions come back up, down i went, and well, a lot of downs since then. I guess only 1 really big one. So maybe just 3 this year.
But it feels like I’ve wandered around the edge of life numerous times, being tempted to jump and just forget the world. In february I tried, second time, Abraham pulled me away. Third time.. I pulled myself away.. wow.. I just realized that now.

2013 was the year I broke contact with my dad. The year I told my mum, straight to her face, why I have CPTSD. My mum told my sister behind my back (Which was a little disappointing, but ok)
I celebrated Christmas with my best friend.
I met Justy on ย Wordpress.
I started my blog here. Felt less alone by reading other people’s blog and their journey’s through life with their struggle’s.
The year I dated like crazy. But to be honest, the year I dates like crazy, but which made me realize, maybe I’m not ugly… because some guys I dated were.. well.. they’re were just plain hot ๐Ÿ˜› so it did give me a little boost ๐Ÿ˜‰
I got of to a great start with Polly, I trust her and I know how to be open with her and discuss things with her.
I learned a lot about (c)PTSD and myself and everything that comes with.

I’ve been down on the floor, crying like crazy, screaming my lungs out, but in the end I did get up.
I had stood on my balcony ready to jump off, ready to leave this world, but yet here I am writing this! ok.. this is freaking me out, I could’ve been dead by now.. Damn, glad I’m not actually. Otherwise I never would’ve known about Christmas with Bestie.. and how happy I have felt sometimes. So happy that I felt it was too much, happy-ness overdose.

Anyway, 2013, you have been a………. weird, amazing, depressing, loving, interesting year. Thank you.

xoxo
Brianna

Last therapy day of 2013!

Hi,

So this was my last therapy day for 2013.

I guess it was good.

We had a lot of fun with the girls a lot of laughing but I noticed or I think I noticed a lot of tension from everyone just because of the holidays, I did talk to Betty for a short while, we talked about christmas and new years.. I told about my plans and stuff, cried about me being alone at new years ๐Ÿ˜› . But somehow it felt ok… I did leave the room because it felt like too much, but in the end it felt ok. It feels okay to not be okay with being alone at new years.

I feel a little bit more positive. (And a little torn about the word ‘little’ in the sentence, because at some point a lot, because I don’t have any suicidal thoughts, but I don’t feel really much better as in, the dark cloud is still hanging above my head… but thankful for the absence of suicidal thoughts! ๐Ÿ™‚ nobody needs those!)
I’ll just try to live this ‘holiday’ day by day.

I do realize I am very tense. Very sensitive to other people’s reaction. Like a friend of mine (who has absolutely NO understanding for mental health) made a comment about therapy today and it just went wrong (well it always does, but this time, my reaction was different.. he actually said sorry for his comment! :O ) and just worrying about the people who I’m talking to that they’re upset with me because they’re using an emoticon less or more… you know, little things. Just tense.
Anyway, going to live it day by day. Luckily it’s no long holiday!!
January 2nd I’ll have to be there again, and I will be, gladly ๐Ÿ˜‰ .

See my girls again ๐Ÿ˜€

They’re really growing on me ๐Ÿ™‚
And that’s weird, because we don’t always agree, by far sometimes, but that doesn’t matter, because I’m ok with not agreeing with someone as long as we accept each others as we are, and we do that! So I still think they’re great ๐Ÿ˜€ they just have their own (different) opinion and that’s ok ๐Ÿ™‚

Wish real life was that simple.. ๐Ÿ™‚

xoxo
Brianna

That’s what friends are for

Hi,

A thankful moment!

I’m alone at christmas + new years.

My bestie as well as my sister has invited me to spend it with them (my sister with her fiance and my bestie with her and her family) โค
That is sรณ sweet! I am really touched by it. That they care so much about me spending the holiday’s alone.
I am not that scared of the holiday’s.. I’ll just make my own tradition I guess.. me and the cats ๐Ÿ˜‰
I know I get my grandmothers old decorations so I can decorate the house a little. Buy something special for the cats to eat. It’ll be ok ๐Ÿ™‚ !

But it’s so nice to know I am welcome at their place โค

xoxo
Brianna