I’m struggling a lot with finding the balance back in my daily life.
Yesterday I had therapy and a talk with Betty, it was.. weird. Anyhow, I’m exhausted.
I know I can regulate my stuff with sleep a lot.
For instance I am very confused (with time especially, days aren’t logical anymore, I forget a lot, I’m getting more dissociative). Β Yesterday after therapy I slept about 4 hours.

This morning I was awake at 9 am. I slept again from about noon till 4 pm and probably will sleep again early. It’s the only way I know I can try to get some balance back.
And to be honest, sleep is also the only way to keep Brenda calm. It’s not that she’s very upset right now, but if she is, I just need to go to bed, stuff security blanket against my mouth and I’ll get calm and fall asleep eventually.

I guess I’m a bit (understatement) bothered that I need this much time to find the balance back. And to be honest… I wish I could get a hug. That someone was there to hug me. To maybe even sleep next to me. That I could fall asleep in someone’s arms. Next to someone’s warmth.

Right now I’m regulating my tiredness on my own. Finding the balance on my own. Which of course is a good thing, but being the dependent one I am, I long for someone to be with me.


A full day with PTSD


Yesterday was a real long day for me. I guess fora lot of people it can be seen as a normal day, but to me it was exhausting.
It started out with therapy, and afterwards I had an introduction at my volunteer work.

Therapy was rough. Wednesday always seems to get to me. I wanted to take it slow because I knew, I had to spread my energy up until 10 pm at least, because then I am able to go home (from the volunteers work).

Lately, I have been having good night’s rest. I do sleep well, no nightmares, but I don’t sleep long. I used to have a lot of trouble falling a sleep, I don’t anymore. But I wake up incredibly early, and then I can’t fall asleep anymore.
Creative therapy was quite ok, but I got tired after already.
Grouptherapy, was heavy. I got a laugh-kick with another group member, which maybe was me laughing away some tension, I don’t know.
Lunch –
Training in social kills was intense as well. A lot of practise and just took a lot of energy. (We practice with setting boundaries, and making sure other people can’t cross them, due to trauma in the past (it was boundary crossing) it’s hard to know where you boundaries are etc)

After that a individual talk with Brandon, but I already noticed my body was shocking sometimes. I don’t even know what that really means, I do know I’m full of tension. It’s really ridiculous and I am ashamed of it, but it just shocks. We cut the talk short.

When I was in the taxi on my way home, I already felt the whole day being too much. I was either about to cry (in the taxi, yup) or about to dissociate (felt myself floating away). I remember how a part of me was telling myself to keep focussing on the things around me but another part of me was so scared it was just petrified and didn’t want to move or even look or focus on the stuff around.
Somehow I managed the way home. With some encouragement of Justy I got into bed for a short time, with my security blanket, in total Brenda mode (crying, feeling unsafe), I crawled under the blankets, stuffed the security blanket against my mouth and kinda fell asleep.

My mum came to my house to take me to the volunteers work for the first time. When I woke up I felt a lot better, back to Brianna-mode. I was very scared of meeting the new people and stuff, but I knew I wanted to do this because it was a great opportunity.

Let’s just say it was intense. It started at 7 pm. I did my very best. I was smiling, introducing myself. Using my voice. Coming of normal (hopefully πŸ˜‰ ). But despite that, I felt a lot of derealization. I did feel myself, a bit weird though, but the whole environment was just a big haze. I kept on pushing myself through the whole evening, which was exhausting. Suddenly about 20 other people came. And again, smiling, introducing myself in front of the whole group. After that there was a sort of gathering for all the people and of course it’s normal to stay. Although I desperately wanted to go home, I did stay.

I stood with my back against the wall and watched the other people while fighting the derealization, suddenly a girl came up to me to introduce herself personally. Of course I had to take the chance again and focus with all my head on what she was saying, smiling, coming of normal. Another guy came… and they were playing tablefootbal, the girl asked me to join. I didn’t want to! But I knew… this was my chance, so I did. I joined (lost with another guy πŸ˜‰ ) but it was fun. After that, another girl came and introduced herself to me. Again a lot of focussing and to be honest I was ready to drop down on the floor.
It sounds intense, but this ‘all’ happened in 60 minutes, I asked the girl ‘when are we allowed to leave?’ (probably not very smart of me, but ok) she said ‘oh youre welcome to leave anytime you want!’ and I told her I had a long day, but I wanted to be here to meet everyone, but I thought it might be time for me to go home. Said goodbye to her and went. (10.40 pm)

When I got outside, it was raining. Didn’t care. I just walked in the rain. Which was lovely!!! No coat, the cold wind, the rain.. my mum picked me up from the bus station.

Just a full day with PTSD πŸ˜‰


Brianna & Brenda


With every thing happening it seems it’s becoming more clear how my adult, rational part is deciding (me, Brianna). But also how the childpart of me still wants attention and needs help (with everything) and is stuck in her place due to the trauma (Brenda).

Yesterday I went to another city in Holland which is a big deal for me because I have had social anxiety issue’s in the past. I got on the train and was very nervous.
When I actually arrived at my destination, I didn’t know that station very well, it’s being rebuilt etc, I got into a little panick situation.

There were A LOT of people traveling and just going back and forth from platforms and just trying to make their own destinations. I was standing on the side, trying to calm myself down. But to be honest, I felt like Simba (you know, from the Lion king, when all those animals came down at him?). They were like a herd, rushing my way. Brenda panicked like crazy. Of course, there is not really any time to take account for personal space, but even when there was enough metres left, people kept brushing up against me. Against my back. I felt so intimidated.
Brenda was screaming in my head, yelling for safety. I was texting with my mother. Everytime the ‘herd’ was reducing, suddenly, it increased again. All I could think of was ‘oh God, not again, how am I gonna survive this?!’ The tears were knocking behind my eyeballs to come out, but I refused. I couldn’t start crying in the middle of the train station?!

I felt really alone, Brenda screaming. Unsafe. ‘Far away’ from home. I couldn’t think clearly.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t handle it and burstΒ into tears.

I have talked about tendency’s earlier, (tendency’s like, not knowing how to say how I’m feeling, but only knowing what to do, like stamping my feet, or just sitting on the ground and waiting for someone to pick me up)
Well, another lovely tendency came up. I thought, or maybe Brenda thought, if I just go lie down on the track/railroad, the railway police will come and pick me up and get me somewhere save. (It’s crazy right?! And me, Brianna, knew somewhere far in my head, that save place was a cell, because they’ll think I’m suicidal and lock me up there) but I was so fixated on someone getting me out of there, because I can’t do anything myself.

Magically, the herd stopped, or the train left with the herd in it. And I found a train home, called up my mum to pick me up from the train station in my own city. I made it as save as possible. When I got into the train, I sat next to the train driver’s booth (as that felt as the safest place).

I ended up having a great day, I met with Justy (whom I met here on wordpress πŸ™‚ ! ) and luckily I tend to label the whole day as it ended, so my Saturday was amazing.

But sometimes I do worry, what if I give in to the ‘helpless-Brenda-thoughts’?
Like the last blogpost about the topomax, I did end up going to the emergency pharmacy, but my mum wouldn’t let me go in. She knew when I got in, I might end up screaming my head off till I got my medicine. Which is just not an adult way of communicating. But me (in a Brenda-way) trying to communicate my frustrations of not having my medication and being afraid (terrified) of going into the night/weekend without etc. But they would just not accept that, which is logical, because after all there is an adult woman standing in front of them.

Disconnected from my body


I don’t really know if I have written about this yet but I kind of wanted to sort thing out for myself and maybe help someone else with this.

I do think because of the abuse (of which I still have a lot of trouble going in to or even writing about it in detail) I have disconnected myself from my body. I actually don’t remember any different. I have always had a perfectly trained outside for social activities, as well as when I got forced into therapy. I remember reading back how they were surprised of not seeing any emotion on my face and how my voice was monotone all the time. I could talk about murdering people and keep a straight face, with a monotone voice. Which was shocking to them.
I never really connected with my body, looking back now. I did play sports, the one thing I truly loved (and still do) is field hockey and actually it’s the only sport I can really enjoy.

Other forms of exercise mostly trigger me, especially because I get aware of this body beneath my head.
To me, the ideal situation would be me just having a floating head. Unfortunately that’s not possible.

However not being aware of this body for more than 20 years has led to some stuff.Β Now when I do get aware of it, by for instance tummy-ache, or the flu, or simple tingle somewhere, it’s a trigger. My head explodes on the inside and everything becomes chaos, trying to push away whatever we’re feeling, because ‘OMG WE JUST FELT A FOOT’. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s very annoying. Of course things like a foot are less likely to trigger than for instant my tummy or a private part.

Whenever someone touches me, it can be an instant trigger as well. To be honest I do shake people’s hands. Which is ok, I don’t really like it, but ok. I do dislike having to kiss people on the cheek while greeting them. (I was raised in a very polite family in which I always had to do as I was told, and had to be the politest girl ever, so if the person wanted 3 kisses, I had to give three kisses.)
Most of the time the touching is ok right now, my mother is still a very tricky one, she can accidentally touch my foot (with her foot) and the whole chaos starts in my head (which triggers me and it can take an hour or sometimes 1,5 for me to calm down, but in the mean time, I have to play pretend with her, while avoiding all the physical interaction).

Right now there are literally 2 people in the world, who’s touch always has felt save. One of them was a girl at therapy (who left last year), we would hold each others hands when things would get rough and just squeeze in it, and I’d know she would tell me with the squeeze ‘I’m here, hold on’.. and I’d do the same with her. No words were needed. I would just reach out my hand.
The other person is Abraham, unfortunately I still see him as a save person and a save place on this earth. Someone who I can crawl into whenever it just gets too scary out here.

I don’t have any control over the tingling sensations in my body, it can be something in my face, on my arm, really anything. And yet everything can trigger me. It can happen anytime.

I never really realized how disconnected I was from my body, how much I had separated my head from my body. Until I realized all the small triggers that come forth from something simple as feeling my body.


Foggy mind


I am going to try to write how the confusion in my head takes place.
I don’t know if this is due to the dissociation/triggers/flashbacks or just stupidity (well, I know it’s not that, but I just thought it’d be funny to say that).

I know a day is just a day, with 24 hours in it.

But honestly, I don’t know if I ever make the 24 hours. My body is there, here, in the present, here on the couch in 2014. But my mind/spirit/head (whatever you want to call it), floats off, leaving my body, staring into the distance, and my mind leaves me, I can not follow where it’s going, it leaves into forgetfulness. Sometimes I wish it would just stay there, because whenever it comes back (which it always does), it comes back hurt. Broken, full of pain, triggered. I find myself depressed, sometimes I start to cry, sometimes flashbacks start coming, sometimes self loathe washes over me, sometimes triggers come out of nowhere (things I that just can’t, like the smell of my father, I just had it 30 minutes ago (had to pause writing this actually), he’s not here, and hasn’t been here). I don’t know where my mind has been.

Sometimes a day, which technically has 24 hours, feels like 2 day’s. Sometimes when my mind comes back, I remember.. or actually notice I have to go to the toilet very urgent. Or I am very hungry. Sometimes my muscles are painful. Most of the times I am exhausted.

I do try to stay in the present by doing things. I really do! My mind is something I can not seem to grab or hold on to, it comes and goes and slips through anything. It takes back terrible things I do not want to remember. It leaves me here sitting on the couch like a dead casket. Lately, when my mind comes back, I realize, I’m freezing cold.

My tummy aches, body memories I guess. Brenda screams, or just cries silently with her security blanket covered over her mouth.

But I do try to stay in the present, by for instance reading stuff, but even reading can be hard. Just reading a simple sentence, just reading the words, and have my head define the words into meaningful things that are understandable. Sometimes I find myself reading 1 simple sentence over and over again. I can try to make a conversation with people, but as you can see (especially face to face this is terrible!) it is very hard. In real life, I am often too ashamed to keep asking ‘what?’

I’ve been in this state since friday. Since that trigger. I’ve been having triggers all over the place. My mind has been floating in and out. I haven’t even showered in 2 weeks (nasty right? I am so terrified to even go into the bathroom).

Ah, just daily life. Staying in the present is hard enough. Trying to live is hard enough. Trying to meet my body’s ‘needs’ (eat/drink/toilet) is hard enough.



I don’t even know what to say


As today is monday, I had therapy.

It started out quite chaotic. I didn’t sleep well, and I got a call in the morning from the cab company that the taxi would be 20 minutes late (remember my last post? “I seem like a normal girl, on the outside”), since I knew my last reaction to the whole taxi-is-late, I tried to calm myself down with the thoughts of how it all turned out last time and it was okay to be late and I’d be able to get enough out of the therapy day in the end. (For me at that time it was very important to be at the beginning, because we discuss the weekend and to be honest, I really wanted to talk about mine, since I had a hard time, just in the hope that someone would notice me).

The taxi arrived (45 minutes late) and when I got at therapy I got in time to discuss my weekend after all! Only got stressed out a little so that’s a huge improvement from last time! πŸ™‚
After that we had psycho-education. The topic was intimacy and trust. Well it’s not just the words that make me shiver. It was all very confronting, and I do remember the first few things said, and that it really felt like smack in the face (I even remember thinking at some point “Oh, I want to copy this into my blog! Because I really recognize myself in this!”), I did mention out loud that it was hard for me to read this because it was so confronting.

At the end of the whole psycho-education, Brenda was screaming her lungs out. The topic was something about sexuality and touching and… UGH. I just couldn’t keep control. I do remember someone asking me if I was still there with them, and I just don’t really know what happened, at some point I do remember looking her in the eyes and just being scared and not knowing how to use my voice and not wanting to use my voice. Afraid to talk. Afraid to even open up my mouth.
I walked out of the therapy room (away from the group, the therapist asked me if it would be good for me to take a walk, just to stay in the present).

I just don’t know where I went wrong. I remember being in the bathroom. With my head against the door and just pressing my fist against my mouth.
My head was all fuzzy.

Anyway, the whole day was weird and cloudy. I got the feeling that the therapists are mad at me and they don’t really like me. At the end of the day (which I struggled to get through, and often doubted if I should go ask for an individual talk) I just gave up and decided to go play nice and just go home. When it was my turn to talk about the day I said; “My day was okay! Tomorrow I’ll see Polly, and I’ll be here again on Wednesday”. And then the therapist asked me if I really was ok, and the whole thing sort of came out. No, I wasn’t ok. I felt horrible.

I felt and still feel like you all hate me! (I didn’t say that though, like they’d admit that to my face)

Did tell her I felt horrible and she told me she was glad I told the truth because she thought I felt bad.

Anyway, I still feel horrible. I feel so disconnected from my body. If I could describe it. My head is about 4 meters above the laptop, and above this body and these weird hands are typing this. I feel this weird feeling in the back of my head/neck and I don’t know.

Cleaning Tuesday!

Hello everyone!

I had a very good sleep, I guess I slept about 12 hours, deep and without waking up.

Then I called the centre where I go for treatment and asked if Betty could call me back. She did, and she said she wasn’t directly alarmed about the whole mess in my head/dissociation, but she thought it was concerning that I was dissociating so much again (last time it was so frequently, it was when Abraham was in my life). But she assured me she isn’t going to ship me off without any good reasons for it. She did make a note about the dissociation and the Brenda/Peter stuff, but she said it wasn’t an Β ‘OH MY GOD’ situation where she felt she had to do something directly.
She said I sounded good over the phone and that I had handled it well yesterday. I did cry a little in our talk yesterday and she said it was good that I could let my emotion out, and she could see that things did hurt me. She gets to see the angry me a lot lately, but not the sad part of me.

Then I just went on with my new tradition. Clean-your-house Tuesday! Haha, i just spent an hour cleaning. But it wasn’t about the time, I just wanted everything to be clean. When I was younger and I cleaned I was like ‘ok, how can I do this, as quick as possible?’ Now I’m more like ‘how can I do this as clean as possible? I don’t care how long it takes’. So everything is clean again. I’m not satisfied with the dust in my house, but my sister is giving me tips about that. And she just explained to me how to clean the shower. Which things to use (I have to buy those friday while grocery shopping) and how to clean. So sweet of her πŸ™‚
I feel more in control of my life and house right now. I am able to keep things clean and livable. I’m proud of that!

I do have to do my laundry, but the dishwasher is running now so I can’t turn on the washing machine, they go on the same switch-plug. I’m afraid I’ll get a big BOOM when I put both of them on πŸ˜›
So I’m going to try to do that tonight. So maybe I can have fresh clothes on thursday πŸ™‚

What a beautiful day today!
I’m feeling good, my house looks good, my cats are doing good. πŸ™‚
I feel like I have new strength and am able to fight and work through things again.


Floating somewhere


I’m still floating and shutting down all over the place.
Did take a nap in the afternoon, discussed it with my best friend and she told me because of the dissociation it is ok to sleep during day time, because my body needs the rest.
Well, last night but in the afternoon as well, I slept like a log. It’s how I imagine when people call about sleeping so deep it feels like they were in a coma. Did wake up all sweaty this afternoon, hope I didn’t have a nightmare.

I’m still confused and it’s taking its toll.
I have a few things I have to do everyday;
– Clean the litter box (once a day)
– Make sure the cats have food (twice a day) and fresh water (once a day)
– Take my medication (once a day)

It seems little, but its all I can handle right now. It did seem like the most important thing.

Tomorrow I have to be at therapy at 9.00 am and I’ll be done at 4.30 pm 😦 have a talk with Betty and a talk with my mum and Trudy.
I’m glad I can go with the taxi, I really don’t know where I’d end up if I couldn’t.

It is really weird, because I don’t feel down or depressed, just confused and scared sometimes because the confusing things make me scared. Other than that, I’m kinda numb, just sitting waiting(not feeling anything) till it’s time to go to bed or eat.

I have an app that reminds me of eating, for a while now, but it’s very helpful right now. Still haven’t had dinner.. its 9.12 pm here. Sigh, gonna make something small then.

To be honest.. I feel like a burden to Betty and the whole team. overtime they find out there’s something else with me. First I had a poker face and was mostly just quiet during therapy (first 6 months!!!!!!!) (I did have feelings though, they just were locked under everything. They said in my evaluation that I it seemed my face was made of stone, I never cried and spoke very monotone eventhough I did do a suicide attempt around February 2013, )then I stopped taking my anti psychotics and got crazy suicidal, full of mood swings and cutting myself (Haven’t done it for a month now! I’m a little proud of myself πŸ™‚ ) then came the whole me and my mum drama. In the mean time I kept falling down and acting like a drama queen, now its the dissociation part (which isn’t controllable anymore.. never was, but I feel it’s not even in my reach anymore), being super confused, and the whole uterus drama.
I feel like an onion, every time they peel of a layer, they find something else. I just don’t see the same thing with the other girls/women. They were even starting with EMDR, sooner than me! Next month I’ll be there for 12 months. I’m still allowed to stay till may 2014, but that’s really the limit.
Ah well, it’s not a race. Certainly not a close one xD, lol no I’m serious, I do feel a little like failure because of that, but I know its ridiculous.

I have absolutely no sense of time, I do know (I think) its 2013 and stuff, so I don’t think I’m not aware of the present, because I am.

Thinking about taking my security blanket to therapy tomorrow. It’ll definitely calm me down during therapy but the girls may look weird at me. Maybe I’ll just put it in my purse or pocket.


Shut down

Hello everyone,

It’s going to be a short one.
I am VERY tired still. I miss a lot of time from yesterday and today. I guess I’ve been dissociating. Which sucks… but outside the dissociation I do feel ok, just very tired. Sometimes, like I’m slipping away and not really here (which could be a form of dissociation as well?)
Still a bit confused, things just don’t match. Like day’s and seeing faces outside in public of which I’m sure I know them, but I don’t know where from.
I do keep track of the date and time, but I just don’t trust I’m reading it correctly. Like my mind may read ‘October 5th 2013’, but it feels like it’s not. It’s weird to explain. I just don’t trust my eyes and brains on getting the right information. So I do check up a lot where I can, with people and other stuff like laptop, tv etc. It just doesn’t convince me.

I don’t think I did anything special yesterday,
Today I went to a wedding shop with my sister, mum and her wedding planner (my sisters) to shop for a wedding dress. I’m glad we found it. She did look very happy in it, and of course gorgeous, but she looks beautiful in any wedding dress (She has a BEAUTIFUL figure, really petite, but it suits her, because she’s build like that. Plus she is tinted so the white wedding dress doesn’t make her look pale. Anyway, she’s beautiful, πŸ™‚ I’m glad she found something she’s happy with!). I didn’t think she’d find one today, but she did. I woke up at 7 am and just got home. We been riding through most of Holland haha. Made about 450 km. I did try to be strong and ‘survive’ I guess, do miss a lot of time and a lot of ‘slipping away’. I’m glad I’m home, I’m gonna sleep soon and it will probably be a long one again. Its frustrating I can sleep for 8-10 hours and still wake up exhausted.

Not really keeping my house clean, just the necessary things like the litter box.

I’m really close with my cats the past week, they are around me all the time. Well they’re always in the same room as I am, but now they really want to be close to me and next to me. It does feel like they’re watching me. When I wake up at night, from a nightmare (hasn’t happened the past week though) and I am alone (which almost never happens, most of the time there’s always on of them with me) I just need to call the girl’s name and she’ll come directly and comfort me. Really sweet πŸ™‚

So, just gonna listen to some music, maybe sing a little πŸ™‚
Tomorrow a rest day, I have nothing to do except rest πŸ˜‰