Floating somewhere

Hello,

I’m still floating and shutting down all over the place.
Did take a nap in the afternoon, discussed it with my best friend and she told me because of the dissociation it is ok to sleep during day time, because my body needs the rest.
Well, last night but in the afternoon as well, I slept like a log. It’s how I imagine when people call about sleeping so deep it feels like they were in a coma. Did wake up all sweaty this afternoon, hope I didn’t have a nightmare.

I’m still confused and it’s taking its toll.
I have a few things I have to do everyday;
– Clean the litter box (once a day)
– Make sure the cats have food (twice a day) and fresh water (once a day)
– Take my medication (once a day)

It seems little, but its all I can handle right now. It did seem like the most important thing.

Tomorrow I have to be at therapy at 9.00 am and I’ll be done at 4.30 pm ๐Ÿ˜ฆ have a talk with Betty and a talk with my mum and Trudy.
I’m glad I can go with the taxi, I really don’t know where I’d end up if I couldn’t.

It is really weird, because I don’t feel down or depressed, just confused and scared sometimes because the confusing things make me scared. Other than that, I’m kinda numb, just sitting waiting(not feeling anything) till it’s time to go to bed or eat.

I have an app that reminds me of eating, for a while now, but it’s very helpful right now. Still haven’t had dinner.. its 9.12 pm here. Sigh, gonna make something small then.

To be honest.. I feel like a burden to Betty and the whole team. overtime they find out there’s something else with me. First I had a poker face and was mostly just quiet during therapy (first 6 months!!!!!!!) (I did have feelings though, they just were locked under everything. They said in my evaluation that I it seemed my face was made of stone, I never cried and spoke very monotone eventhough I did do a suicide attempt around February 2013, )then I stopped taking my anti psychotics and got crazy suicidal, full of mood swings and cutting myself (Haven’t done it for a month now! I’m a little proud of myself ๐Ÿ™‚ ) then came the whole me and my mum drama. In the mean time I kept falling down and acting like a drama queen, now its the dissociation part (which isn’t controllable anymore.. never was, but I feel it’s not even in my reach anymore), being super confused, and the whole uterus drama.
I feel like an onion, every time they peel of a layer, they find something else. I just don’t see the same thing with the other girls/women. They were even starting with EMDR, sooner than me! Next month I’ll be there for 12 months. I’m still allowed to stay till may 2014, but that’s really the limit.
Ah well, it’s not a race. Certainly not a close one xD, lol no I’m serious, I do feel a little like failure because of that, but I know its ridiculous.

I have absolutely no sense of time, I do know (I think) its 2013 and stuff, so I don’t think I’m not aware of the present, because I am.

Thinking about taking my security blanket to therapy tomorrow. It’ll definitely calm me down during therapy but the girls may look weird at me. Maybe I’ll just put it in my purse or pocket.

xoxo
Brianna

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One thought on “Floating somewhere

  1. Sweety, it is ridiculous.
    You’re doing fine. Everybody is different. Everybody with trauma also is different. We all have our own process. And if it comfort’s you: I’m almost 3,5 years in therapy at ggz and I only started EMDR since March.
    J told my father the same things the therapist are saying about you: Speaking monotoneously, no word about the trauma or what I’m really experiencing inside, face of stone… During my stabilization group it was just me listening, not talking, but I WAS in a process (a process of my own) and it did help me. Look where I am now. Everything will work out for you, sweety. Don’t worry too much ๐Ÿ™‚ I have absolute faith in you.

    What you say about the layers is true, but that’s how it works. You have to solve things first to make room for other things that are already there and already bothering you (just not in plain sight). It’s like a bucket you’re emtying with a cup. It goes slowly, but one day the bucket will be empty.

    Try to listen to your body and mind. Your best friend was right, you have to take all the rest you need and just focus on the things that are important.

    Take good care,
    I’m thinking about you!

    Hugs!

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