Disconnected from my body

Hi,

I don’t really know if I have written about this yet but I kind of wanted to sort thing out for myself and maybe help someone else with this.

I do think because of the abuse (of which I still have a lot of trouble going in to or even writing about it in detail) I have disconnected myself from my body. I actually don’t remember any different. I have always had a perfectly trained outside for social activities, as well as when I got forced into therapy. I remember reading back how they were surprised of not seeing any emotion on my face and how my voice was monotone all the time. I could talk about murdering people and keep a straight face, with a monotone voice. Which was shocking to them.
I never really connected with my body, looking back now. I did play sports, the one thing I truly loved (and still do) is field hockey and actually it’s the only sport I can really enjoy.

Other forms of exercise mostly trigger me, especially because I get aware of this body beneath my head.
To me, the ideal situation would be me just having a floating head. Unfortunately that’s not possible.

However not being aware of this body for more than 20 years has led to some stuff.Ā Now when I do get aware of it, by for instance tummy-ache, or the flu, or simple tingle somewhere, it’s a trigger. My head explodes on the inside and everything becomes chaos, trying to push away whatever we’re feeling, because ‘OMG WE JUST FELT A FOOT’. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s very annoying. Of course things like a foot are less likely to trigger than for instant my tummy or a private part.

Whenever someone touches me, it can be an instant trigger as well. To be honest I do shake people’s hands. Which is ok, I don’t really like it, but ok. I do dislike having to kiss people on the cheek while greeting them. (I was raised in a very polite family in which I always had to do as I was told, and had to be the politest girl ever, so if the person wanted 3 kisses, I had to give three kisses.)
Most of the time the touching is ok right now, my mother is still a very tricky one, she can accidentally touch my foot (with her foot) and the whole chaos starts in my head (which triggers me and it can take an hour or sometimes 1,5 for me to calm down, but in the mean time, I have to play pretend with her, while avoiding all the physical interaction).

Right now there are literally 2 people in the world, who’s touch always has felt save. One of them was a girl at therapy (who left last year), we would hold each others hands when things would get rough and just squeeze in it, and I’d know she would tell me with the squeeze ‘I’m here, hold on’.. and I’d do the same with her. No words were needed. I would just reach out my hand.
The other person is Abraham, unfortunately I still see him as a save person and a save place on this earth. Someone who I can crawl into whenever it just gets too scary out here.

I don’t have any control over the tingling sensations in my body, it can be something in my face, on my arm, really anything. And yet everything can trigger me. It can happen anytime.

I never really realized how disconnected I was from my body, how much I had separated my head from my body. Until I realized all the small triggers that come forth from something simple as feeling my body.

xoxo
Brianna

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14 thoughts on “Disconnected from my body

  1. I once had a therapist who told me I only functioned from the neck up. I didn’t get it at the time, but she was completely right. I was a competitive gymnast, and I was always getting injured and then exacerbating it by continuing to use my body as if nothing were wrong. I felt the pain a little, but it was distant and easy to ignore. I could just shove it out of my consciousness.

    It’s weird, but martial arts was what let me feel safe having a body. Like you, I often got triggered by exercise because I was uncomfortable having a body. But in my martial arts practice, I was getting strong and learning to defend myself–so it was safer. Sometimes there were triggers–more than once, when we were learning to break holds, I faked an asthma attack so no one would grab me–but it got easier over time.

    And I get illness as a trigger too. I have a chronic illness that’s really triggering when it flares up, and it’s even more triggering because I have no control over it. I’m hoping that will get easier with time.

    • Thanks for sharing!
      I recognize the shoving out the pain, somehow I can’t seem to do that anymore. Which is good, but going through the triggers is a battle.
      I hope it’ll get easier in time too! Take care!

  2. wow, do i get this. my husband always finds it bizarre that I am never thirsty or can forget to eat all day. I don’t have an eating disorder and i love food, but sometimes i just forget. and it gets to be dinner time and I realize that i didn’t drink anything at all! I’m not sure if my body is sending signals and i just ignore them or if my body just gave up a long time ago. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but i totally get this. and my need for personal space is huge. thinking of you.

    • Thanks for sharing!
      Today I realized at 4.30 pm that I was hungry, which was logical as I hadnt eaten a thing all day. I really recognize what youre writing. I think my body does send the signal but I just wont receive anything from it. (Try not to at least šŸ˜‰ )
      Thinking of you as well!

      • glad I’m not the only one.
        also, I saw that you were also nominated by mandy for the sunshine award. I woudl have nominated you as well, but mentioned you in my post about the award. you are awesome and I’m glad I found you on here.

  3. I do the same thing with monotone voice and no emotion, most always, suicide, homicide, how my day was… then when the feelings emotions break through it’s overwhelming. I have sensory issues and body sensations too and it drives me nuts and I can’t explain it to others…. In other words I understand you and am sorry you are suffering with similar things

  4. You do a great job putting our the truth of cptsd. That’s why I nominated you for the Sunshine Award. If you choose to accept, go to my blog and look for my latest Jan. 11 post about the Sunshine Award to read the details. I really enjoy your blog.

    • Thanks so much, I am really grateful for the nomination!! Even that you noticed my blog and enjoy it. Thanks a lot for that. I don’t really know how to respond to an award nomination (I got one before), I do notice it gets a little shaky in my head. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful for it! I think I need some time.. to let it settle in. I did read your post and your comment here gave me a big smile! So thank you very much!

      • šŸ™‚ I could have written that exact thing when I got my nomination! I was going to ignore it because the old tapes played, “who are YOU? Nobody!” but I’ve sat on it and realized, somebody wanted me to have it, and there are so many (like you) that I’d like to see recognized. But don’t pressure yourself. Whether you accept or not, you still touch a lot of people. So,thanks šŸ™‚

  5. You write a lot of what I have experienced through life. I do hate the kissy kissy introductions, but particularly feel uncomfortable with family touch. Very interesting post for me

  6. Hey if you ever need a friend that really understands let me know.
    It gets better, just takes time and a lot of self compassion.

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