Shut down

Hello everyone,

It’s going to be a short one.
I am VERY tired still. I miss a lot of time from yesterday and today. I guess I’ve been dissociating. Which sucks… but outside the dissociation I do feel ok, just very tired. Sometimes, like I’m slipping away and not really here (which could be a form of dissociation as well?)
Still a bit confused, things just don’t match. Like day’s and seeing faces outside in public of which I’m sure I know them, but I don’t know where from.
I do keep track of the date and time, but I just don’t trust I’m reading it correctly. Like my mind may read ‘October 5th 2013’, but it feels like it’s not. It’s weird to explain. I just don’t trust my eyes and brains on getting the right information. So I do check up a lot where I can, with people and other stuff like laptop, tv etc. It just doesn’t convince me.

I don’t think I did anything special yesterday,
Today I went to a wedding shop with my sister, mum and her wedding planner (my sisters) to shop for a wedding dress. I’m glad we found it. She did look very happy in it, and of course gorgeous, but she looks beautiful in any wedding dress (She has a BEAUTIFUL figure, really petite, but it suits her, because she’s build like that. Plus she is tinted so the white wedding dress doesn’t make her look pale. Anyway, she’s beautiful, 🙂 I’m glad she found something she’s happy with!). I didn’t think she’d find one today, but she did. I woke up at 7 am and just got home. We been riding through most of Holland haha. Made about 450 km. I did try to be strong and ‘survive’ I guess, do miss a lot of time and a lot of ‘slipping away’. I’m glad I’m home, I’m gonna sleep soon and it will probably be a long one again. Its frustrating I can sleep for 8-10 hours and still wake up exhausted.

Not really keeping my house clean, just the necessary things like the litter box.

I’m really close with my cats the past week, they are around me all the time. Well they’re always in the same room as I am, but now they really want to be close to me and next to me. It does feel like they’re watching me. When I wake up at night, from a nightmare (hasn’t happened the past week though) and I am alone (which almost never happens, most of the time there’s always on of them with me) I just need to call the girl’s name and she’ll come directly and comfort me. Really sweet 🙂

So, just gonna listen to some music, maybe sing a little 🙂
Tomorrow a rest day, I have nothing to do except rest 😉

xoxo
Brianna

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7 thoughts on “Shut down

  1. Bri!
    I was a bit worried about you being all quiet here.
    I’m happy to read you’re ok, despite the dissociation. The sister story made me smile. You sound like you love her a lot, even admire her.

    Take good care and have a good night!

    Hugs 🙂

  2. Hi sweety!
    I’m sorry i made you a bit worried, I really didn’t realize so much time has gone by without me writing, its confusing.. I’m sorry, I just dont know how to keep real track of it. I just focus on when its monday and I have to be at therapy, so that I’ll be there. Thats the only thing I really need to remember. The rest is just a blur.
    Yeah, I really love her 🙂 and admire her too. She’s really beautiful (outside and inside!), strong, intelligent, social.. everything I want to be, hihi. I am in my own way though, I know that 🙂 .

    I’m gonna take a look at your blog right now, anyway I hope you’ll have a goodnight as well!! Take care!
    Hugs!

  3. You don’t have to say sorry. It’s a good thing. It just says that I’m here and I care 🙂 You go ahead and focus on monday. I think it’s good how you’ve chosen to your focus. I think it costs way to much energy to focus on the rest.

    I really like how you talk about your sister. I think you’re also important for her, possible in the same ways, because she chose you to be her best (wo)man 😛 right?!

    Lots of hugs!

  4. Thanks sweety, its beyond sweet of you for caring! 🙂
    Hihi, yes, I’m her best (wo)man (getuige 😛 ) I do know now (since a few months) how much I mean to her (always known since we lived in different homes that she loves me though!) 🙂 I feel lucky to have such a good bond with my sister despite our past.
    Hugs!

  5. Trigger!!

    I feel like writing something down. Dont want to make a whole new blog-post about it. Im panicking, a little.. I used to have a clear mind about my first highschool. I used to cut a lot to make it through the day. I had it all memorized in my head where what bathroom was. But now I’m confused. I dont know anymore. It doesnt even matter, Im not going to that school. But my mind keeps panicking on where the girls bathroom is.. Were there even different girl and boy bathrooms there? I really dont know anymore. I remember a weird hallway, somewhere there must be a bathroom. See myself walking there, and the walls are all weird and the ground is crooked, cant walk strait. Whats happening? I need to calm down. But I KNOW its 2013 and I live more than 140 km away now. Whats my problem? Thinking about taking a sedative 😔 i need rest. I really do. Gonna take my security blanket and watch a dumb movie (lol, its a girly movie, simple and stuff) in bed. See when I fall asleep, hopefully soon.

    Cant even remember my email adres? Whas it hotmail? Live? Gmail? Just put one there.. Hopefully its mine.

  6. Stop trying to remember things you don’t need, Bri.
    Make yourself a list of things you do need to remember (like the one you put up there in your other post). Write down the times you need to eat and sleep also. Even plan your moments of rest; the naps. Also that it’s 2013 and you’re safe. You are surrounded with people who care for you. Maybe even write down some names and ways through which you notice that they love you. [It’s important to connect feeling warm and safe with the few things you need to keep track of]
    The other things aren’t important now.

    Let me tell you this to comfort you: When you are telling your friend a story it happens sometimes that you don’t remember a particular word. Everybody has that sometimes. We all drive ourselves crazy with trying to find out what the word was and the remembering only gets harder and harder. With dissociating it’s the same. When you force yourself to remember, for example, the bathrooms of the highschool, you are most likely to NOT remember. This leads to panic, panic is the opposite of the rest you actually need and leads to more dissociation. Tell yourself: Ok I don’t know right now. I haven’t forgotten, it just doesn’t come up right now.

    Calm down sweety, make yourself feel safe.

    Hugs!

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