So yet another blog-black out has occurred. This time, yet again, a flu has attacked my body.
We weren’t happy 😉 . (Flu = body = trigger)
But I’m still standing!
Feeling better 🙂 still coughing like crazy but that’s bearable.
So yet another blog-black out has occurred. This time, yet again, a flu has attacked my body.
We weren’t happy 😉 . (Flu = body = trigger)
But I’m still standing!
Feeling better 🙂 still coughing like crazy but that’s bearable.
It’s almost 6 am. I am sitting on the couch typing this, and I am actually ready to go to therapy. However, I am still tired.
First of all, I didn’t go for the legal advice yesterday, I figured I’m just too tired.
But.. the reason why I’m writing, I had a nightmare. (Which isn’t weird when you suffer from ptsd but..) I am going back and forth between ‘adult’ thinking ‘ah well.. sucks..’ (< to be continued though) and child thinking ‘what the hell? what about this medication I’m taking against nightmares? I want to ring the psychiatrist right now!’
This child part of me is really upset and indignant.
It wasn’t just any nightmare to be honest. It was a nightmare like I had when I was little. The same characters (a witch, a leopard, a spider). Now that I’m awake I don’t recall knowing the people, but in my dream I knew the people who I was with. But they just didn’t care about me.
Now this might be triggering. The point is, the same thing happened. The witch chased me away (in my childhood dream she chased me away from my house) from this weird big-ass home. Which made me flee, I decided to jump into the water, which magically made me invisible for the which, but unfortunately, as usual, there was the leopard (the witch ALWAYS chased me away, INTO the arms of the leopard?!) and he was petrified underwater, but I just knew, if I looked at him too long, he’d wake up (the leopard always did abusive stuff to me and I knew this in my dream). So I kept on swimming, I felt like I was drowning, no air, still terrified. And I did this weird thing with my legs to wake my body up.
And then I woke up thinking ‘what the hell just happened?’
Although the environment in the dream was totally different every symbol in it, was exactly the same as my childhood nightmares.
So, back to the ‘adult’ thinking, although I’m doubting if I can even call it adult thinking. How am I ever gonna sleep again right?
My head is like; how about never?
But right now I’m already dog tired. So I got a plan.
Tonight! I will take my crisis medication it will knock me out into a dreamless sleep.
Thursday a friend will come over and stay the night (hurray for me, because he will be my security blanket for the night)
However! Thursday the psychiatrist is mine. No seriously, I’m calling him. And I want to up the dose of my topomax. I am scared to death of nightmares.
The last few days I’ve been very busy and didn’t really have time for the laptop.
Been a lot of out of the house and stuff and it was actually quite good.
Also took enough time for rest. (< which I think was the key to keeping it all balanced)
Tonight is the first time I’m going to work at the new volunteers place! I am very excited and a little scared.
I was just trying to figure out what to wear, since it’s going to be in the evening, I’ll be behind the bar, making sure people get their drinks and stuff while a band is playing their music and entertaining people.
Due to selfharm scars all over my arm (from pulse to shoulder) I can not wear short sleeves, so I was planning on wearing long sleeves, but something light, so I won’t sweat easily (sweat dripping down my body > feeling my body > trigger).
Usually I wear a tanktop beneath my clothes, I guess it makes me feel save, like something is still protecting my body, beneath my clothes. Brenda especially likes it.
But since it’s probably going to be very warm in there, I thought it would be better to take it off, so I won’t sweat as easily (due to too many clothes) and I’ll just take it off right now, so my body can get used to it.
So I took it off and Brenda started whining instantly. ‘Too naked, doesn’t feel ok, want to hide, under the blankets’ etc.
I put on my shirt (to be, for the evening > without the tanktop) and Brenda practically started screaming. The feeling of the inside of the shirt against my body and it was all just so disgusting, at this point I can’t even distinguish my thoughts from her. So I took it off and put my tanktop back on and went to the livingroom.
And right now I’m typing this.
What do you want Brenda?
If we keep the tanktop on, it’s gonna be hot! And we’re gonna sweat. Let’s be honest, you’ll get whiney about that.
If we take it off. We won’t sweat (as easily) but you’ll whine straight from the beginning.
So I guess the choice is easy, I’ll just keep it on.
Kinda bummed right now. Because a simple thing like ‘taking a tanktop off’ is too much to handle.
But ok, she’s fine now.
Yesterday was a real long day for me. I guess fora lot of people it can be seen as a normal day, but to me it was exhausting.
It started out with therapy, and afterwards I had an introduction at my volunteer work.
Therapy was rough. Wednesday always seems to get to me. I wanted to take it slow because I knew, I had to spread my energy up until 10 pm at least, because then I am able to go home (from the volunteers work).
Lately, I have been having good night’s rest. I do sleep well, no nightmares, but I don’t sleep long. I used to have a lot of trouble falling a sleep, I don’t anymore. But I wake up incredibly early, and then I can’t fall asleep anymore.
Creative therapy was quite ok, but I got tired after already.
Grouptherapy, was heavy. I got a laugh-kick with another group member, which maybe was me laughing away some tension, I don’t know.
Training in social kills was intense as well. A lot of practise and just took a lot of energy. (We practice with setting boundaries, and making sure other people can’t cross them, due to trauma in the past (it was boundary crossing) it’s hard to know where you boundaries are etc)
After that a individual talk with Brandon, but I already noticed my body was shocking sometimes. I don’t even know what that really means, I do know I’m full of tension. It’s really ridiculous and I am ashamed of it, but it just shocks. We cut the talk short.
When I was in the taxi on my way home, I already felt the whole day being too much. I was either about to cry (in the taxi, yup) or about to dissociate (felt myself floating away). I remember how a part of me was telling myself to keep focussing on the things around me but another part of me was so scared it was just petrified and didn’t want to move or even look or focus on the stuff around.
Somehow I managed the way home. With some encouragement of Justy I got into bed for a short time, with my security blanket, in total Brenda mode (crying, feeling unsafe), I crawled under the blankets, stuffed the security blanket against my mouth and kinda fell asleep.
My mum came to my house to take me to the volunteers work for the first time. When I woke up I felt a lot better, back to Brianna-mode. I was very scared of meeting the new people and stuff, but I knew I wanted to do this because it was a great opportunity.
Let’s just say it was intense. It started at 7 pm. I did my very best. I was smiling, introducing myself. Using my voice. Coming of normal (hopefully 😉 ). But despite that, I felt a lot of derealization. I did feel myself, a bit weird though, but the whole environment was just a big haze. I kept on pushing myself through the whole evening, which was exhausting. Suddenly about 20 other people came. And again, smiling, introducing myself in front of the whole group. After that there was a sort of gathering for all the people and of course it’s normal to stay. Although I desperately wanted to go home, I did stay.
I stood with my back against the wall and watched the other people while fighting the derealization, suddenly a girl came up to me to introduce herself personally. Of course I had to take the chance again and focus with all my head on what she was saying, smiling, coming of normal. Another guy came… and they were playing tablefootbal, the girl asked me to join. I didn’t want to! But I knew… this was my chance, so I did. I joined (lost with another guy 😉 ) but it was fun. After that, another girl came and introduced herself to me. Again a lot of focussing and to be honest I was ready to drop down on the floor.
It sounds intense, but this ‘all’ happened in 60 minutes, I asked the girl ‘when are we allowed to leave?’ (probably not very smart of me, but ok) she said ‘oh youre welcome to leave anytime you want!’ and I told her I had a long day, but I wanted to be here to meet everyone, but I thought it might be time for me to go home. Said goodbye to her and went. (10.40 pm)
When I got outside, it was raining. Didn’t care. I just walked in the rain. Which was lovely!!! No coat, the cold wind, the rain.. my mum picked me up from the bus station.
Just a full day with PTSD 😉
I see where they get the ‘stress’ from post traumatic STRESS disorder 😉
It’s very simple, without blaming anyone, because I really don’t neither him nor myself, it’s a simple cause and effect.
Cause; feeling unsafe (trigger). Losing control in my save place (police entered my house). Triggers to a past situation which was very intense, a situation that still troubles me to this day, even though it was 6 years ago (involved a crisis intervention and people coming to my house without me knowing, and trying to take me away (only thing is, they succeeded)).
Effect; I don’t feel save anymore. I am very alert.
People ask me how I’m doing? I’m ok. I truly am. Am I suicidal? No, honestly , I’m not. Am I depressed? Nope, I’m no depressed either.
I am busy.
Busy with watching everything around me. My house isn’t my save place anymore. I am scared in my own livingroom. I have to be alert 24/7. I don’t have time to focus or even to take a minute and think about how I am feeling. NO, no time left. Got to stay alert.
Of course the word ‘okay’ as in ‘being okay’ can be discussed, but I am not suicidal nor depressed. Nor do I feel the need to act harmful to myself. I am 100% focussed on my environment.
Is this the best situation? No, probably not. But right now, the best way to get through my sunday.
I feel like I’m being slapped in the face, repeatedly.
Not just by memories of trauma. But by ‘everything’. Right now, I don’t really know why, my body is really aching.
My back (the lower part) hurts a lot. And I’m nauseous like crazy. Well, my back isn’t that much a problem (I walk like a grandma, but ok). But nauseous, causes some troubles.
Well the back too though, as anything that reminds me of having a body sometimes triggers, although back doesn’t that much.
Being nauseous right now, stops me from eating. The only thing I eat, that is bearable, are rice crackers. Otherwise, I’ll get so nauseous, which is triggering (I’ll go into that later). So it cuts the whole food thing off for me. At some point its good, I’m not able to eat a lot. But food has a function, it does help me survive in some way. So surviving right now seems harder somehow.
Being nauseous triggers me. I am terrified of throwing up. I can’t even begin to explain how scared that makes me. I have nightmares of myself (or other people, and me being around them) throwing up, and sometimes when other people around me throw up, the smell and sound of their throw up, makes me throw up in the end (in my dream).
Throwing up scares me so bad. It brings me in a constant state of panick. I have to do ANYTHING, to keep myself from throwing up. (Like only eating rice crackers, I’m not taking any chances!)
I’d rather have diarrhea all day, than throw up once.
I’m not sure why this triggers me, but it scares me so bad. I’m having a hard time even relaxing. Feeling the need to keep my chin up in the air as much as possible (which is ridiculous, because that won’t stop me from throwing up in the end).
Usually I do avoid stuff that would possibly make me throw up. So this is really bothering me. This nausea is completely out of the blue! It feels like a nausea after an overdose. But I haven’t taken one! I remember it starting on the weekend, and it just got worse. I’m gonna call the gp tomorrow.
Anyway, it’s out of the blue. I haven’t eaten anything weird. I havent done anything unusual. And definitely not something that should last this long.
Can I just sleep or disappear till my tummy feels better?
With every thing happening it seems it’s becoming more clear how my adult, rational part is deciding (me, Brianna). But also how the childpart of me still wants attention and needs help (with everything) and is stuck in her place due to the trauma (Brenda).
Yesterday I went to another city in Holland which is a big deal for me because I have had social anxiety issue’s in the past. I got on the train and was very nervous.
When I actually arrived at my destination, I didn’t know that station very well, it’s being rebuilt etc, I got into a little panick situation.
There were A LOT of people traveling and just going back and forth from platforms and just trying to make their own destinations. I was standing on the side, trying to calm myself down. But to be honest, I felt like Simba (you know, from the Lion king, when all those animals came down at him?). They were like a herd, rushing my way. Brenda panicked like crazy. Of course, there is not really any time to take account for personal space, but even when there was enough metres left, people kept brushing up against me. Against my back. I felt so intimidated.
Brenda was screaming in my head, yelling for safety. I was texting with my mother. Everytime the ‘herd’ was reducing, suddenly, it increased again. All I could think of was ‘oh God, not again, how am I gonna survive this?!’ The tears were knocking behind my eyeballs to come out, but I refused. I couldn’t start crying in the middle of the train station?!
I felt really alone, Brenda screaming. Unsafe. ‘Far away’ from home. I couldn’t think clearly.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t handle it and burst into tears.
I have talked about tendency’s earlier, (tendency’s like, not knowing how to say how I’m feeling, but only knowing what to do, like stamping my feet, or just sitting on the ground and waiting for someone to pick me up)
Well, another lovely tendency came up. I thought, or maybe Brenda thought, if I just go lie down on the track/railroad, the railway police will come and pick me up and get me somewhere save. (It’s crazy right?! And me, Brianna, knew somewhere far in my head, that save place was a cell, because they’ll think I’m suicidal and lock me up there) but I was so fixated on someone getting me out of there, because I can’t do anything myself.
Magically, the herd stopped, or the train left with the herd in it. And I found a train home, called up my mum to pick me up from the train station in my own city. I made it as save as possible. When I got into the train, I sat next to the train driver’s booth (as that felt as the safest place).
I ended up having a great day, I met with Justy (whom I met here on wordpress 🙂 ! ) and luckily I tend to label the whole day as it ended, so my Saturday was amazing.
But sometimes I do worry, what if I give in to the ‘helpless-Brenda-thoughts’?
Like the last blogpost about the topomax, I did end up going to the emergency pharmacy, but my mum wouldn’t let me go in. She knew when I got in, I might end up screaming my head off till I got my medicine. Which is just not an adult way of communicating. But me (in a Brenda-way) trying to communicate my frustrations of not having my medication and being afraid (terrified) of going into the night/weekend without etc. But they would just not accept that, which is logical, because after all there is an adult woman standing in front of them.
Monday was therapy day, and a long one. As much as I’d like to write it down clearly, I can’t. Because it’s not clearly in my mind. My talk with Betty was good but hell. I tried to tell her about the trigger (from january 3rd) but I couldn’t really describe it and I started crying. Like a fucking baby. Shit came out of my nose I think, I just couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t breathe properly. Brenda kept screaming in my head for safety in her own way.
Betty kept asking me ‘what can I do for you?’
All I could think of was; take care of me, help me get through this. Help me stay save. Help me through the evening and night. HELP. Get Abraham here. Ofcourse I couldn’t say any of these things, well I could, but she can’t do any of those things so instead I said ‘I dont know/nothing’. I couldn’t even look at her, I kept looking down at my lap and just hoping, wishing, wanting to disappear.
I kept on crying. We went for a walk outside which seemed to calm me down. I stopped crying and started talking about bullshit just to get my head out of the loneliness feeling (I do remember myself crying because I felt this huge agonising pain because of the thought of the upcoming evening + night + day and the loneliness that comes with). But just as we got back in (my mum and sister were already sitting in the waiting room), I started crying again.
Betty asked if I wanted to go into her office again but I said no. What’s the point?
Then I had the family talk with my mum + sister + me and the therapist. But a lot of crying there as well. I was totally broken, torn and just done. At some point I just knew, I have to do something because I will lose it. In the middle of the whole talk I just took my crisis medication.
It numb-ed me out. And eventually when I got home, knocked me out into a sleep.
Today Polly came over and I could see she got shocked because of how I looked. My eyes were beyond swollen. Of course still in my pyjama’s. She came in, asked how I was doing and I started crying again. To sum it up, I’m going to ask for a short stay in the open unit (1 or maybe 2 nights), just to get some rest. Tried to call the psychiatrist for some medication for tonight but he’s on a ‘team day’ today?! Just my luck!
I called Brandon because I want to ask him tomorrow for that stay in the open unit (I called him at 1 pm and was told that he would call me back). At some point it was 4.50 pm and I hadn’t got a call back. Beyond frustrated of course (had called twice in the mean time). I called again and finally got to speak to him, of course my mind is now beyond suspicious and all theories about how he didn’t want to talk to me or how they’re talking about me behind my back and maybe trying to ship me off to a clinic.
Anyway, I can see him at 8.45 tomorrow morning.
But now, I need to survive this evening and night. By even the thought of that, I start crying. So I’m just gonna have to take it one minute at the time.
I don’t really know if I have written about this yet but I kind of wanted to sort thing out for myself and maybe help someone else with this.
I do think because of the abuse (of which I still have a lot of trouble going in to or even writing about it in detail) I have disconnected myself from my body. I actually don’t remember any different. I have always had a perfectly trained outside for social activities, as well as when I got forced into therapy. I remember reading back how they were surprised of not seeing any emotion on my face and how my voice was monotone all the time. I could talk about murdering people and keep a straight face, with a monotone voice. Which was shocking to them.
I never really connected with my body, looking back now. I did play sports, the one thing I truly loved (and still do) is field hockey and actually it’s the only sport I can really enjoy.
Other forms of exercise mostly trigger me, especially because I get aware of this body beneath my head.
To me, the ideal situation would be me just having a floating head. Unfortunately that’s not possible.
However not being aware of this body for more than 20 years has led to some stuff. Now when I do get aware of it, by for instance tummy-ache, or the flu, or simple tingle somewhere, it’s a trigger. My head explodes on the inside and everything becomes chaos, trying to push away whatever we’re feeling, because ‘OMG WE JUST FELT A FOOT’. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s very annoying. Of course things like a foot are less likely to trigger than for instant my tummy or a private part.
Whenever someone touches me, it can be an instant trigger as well. To be honest I do shake people’s hands. Which is ok, I don’t really like it, but ok. I do dislike having to kiss people on the cheek while greeting them. (I was raised in a very polite family in which I always had to do as I was told, and had to be the politest girl ever, so if the person wanted 3 kisses, I had to give three kisses.)
Most of the time the touching is ok right now, my mother is still a very tricky one, she can accidentally touch my foot (with her foot) and the whole chaos starts in my head (which triggers me and it can take an hour or sometimes 1,5 for me to calm down, but in the mean time, I have to play pretend with her, while avoiding all the physical interaction).
Right now there are literally 2 people in the world, who’s touch always has felt save. One of them was a girl at therapy (who left last year), we would hold each others hands when things would get rough and just squeeze in it, and I’d know she would tell me with the squeeze ‘I’m here, hold on’.. and I’d do the same with her. No words were needed. I would just reach out my hand.
The other person is Abraham, unfortunately I still see him as a save person and a save place on this earth. Someone who I can crawl into whenever it just gets too scary out here.
I don’t have any control over the tingling sensations in my body, it can be something in my face, on my arm, really anything. And yet everything can trigger me. It can happen anytime.
I never really realized how disconnected I was from my body, how much I had separated my head from my body. Until I realized all the small triggers that come forth from something simple as feeling my body.
I am going to try to write how the confusion in my head takes place.
I don’t know if this is due to the dissociation/triggers/flashbacks or just stupidity (well, I know it’s not that, but I just thought it’d be funny to say that).
I know a day is just a day, with 24 hours in it.
But honestly, I don’t know if I ever make the 24 hours. My body is there, here, in the present, here on the couch in 2014. But my mind/spirit/head (whatever you want to call it), floats off, leaving my body, staring into the distance, and my mind leaves me, I can not follow where it’s going, it leaves into forgetfulness. Sometimes I wish it would just stay there, because whenever it comes back (which it always does), it comes back hurt. Broken, full of pain, triggered. I find myself depressed, sometimes I start to cry, sometimes flashbacks start coming, sometimes self loathe washes over me, sometimes triggers come out of nowhere (things I that just can’t, like the smell of my father, I just had it 30 minutes ago (had to pause writing this actually), he’s not here, and hasn’t been here). I don’t know where my mind has been.
Sometimes a day, which technically has 24 hours, feels like 2 day’s. Sometimes when my mind comes back, I remember.. or actually notice I have to go to the toilet very urgent. Or I am very hungry. Sometimes my muscles are painful. Most of the times I am exhausted.
I do try to stay in the present by doing things. I really do! My mind is something I can not seem to grab or hold on to, it comes and goes and slips through anything. It takes back terrible things I do not want to remember. It leaves me here sitting on the couch like a dead casket. Lately, when my mind comes back, I realize, I’m freezing cold.
My tummy aches, body memories I guess. Brenda screams, or just cries silently with her security blanket covered over her mouth.
But I do try to stay in the present, by for instance reading stuff, but even reading can be hard. Just reading a simple sentence, just reading the words, and have my head define the words into meaningful things that are understandable. Sometimes I find myself reading 1 simple sentence over and over again. I can try to make a conversation with people, but as you can see (especially face to face this is terrible!) it is very hard. In real life, I am often too ashamed to keep asking ‘what?’
I’ve been in this state since friday. Since that trigger. I’ve been having triggers all over the place. My mind has been floating in and out. I haven’t even showered in 2 weeks (nasty right? I am so terrified to even go into the bathroom).
Ah, just daily life. Staying in the present is hard enough. Trying to live is hard enough. Trying to meet my body’s ‘needs’ (eat/drink/toilet) is hard enough.