Don’t rain on my parade


So I was having this beautiful New Years Eve parade. But people kept raining on it!!! ย So I turned of my phone -.-

I thought I was happy with it. But I guess I’m not.

People telling me I chose to be alone at New years. Yeah that’s true. I chose to be alone, because the other options were worse. I also choose to live, because otherwise I could commit suicide. So…. WHATS YOUR POINT? Ok. Brianna. Calm down.

Anyway, I want to explain and write it down here for myself clearly now.

I had 3 options for new years (well obviously a lot more, but 3 ‘reasonable’ ones)
1. With my sister + her fiancรฉe and his family + sleeping at my sisters(I wrote how I felt on boxing day right? She (my sister) triggering me? Me crying because I had to go there? So yeah, not really an option + My sisters fiancรฉe’s mother (still following?)Was my mentor in high school and she was a real mean woman to me back then!)
2. With my best friend + her mother + their whole family + sleep there (at bestie’s aunts house)(I know myself, and I don’t know why yet, but I don’t feel comfortable sleeping somewhere else (for the record 200km away from my own house). When it would’ve been me and bestie alone, i would’ve tried it, but I would’ve slept at her aunt’s house as the poor girl who no-one wants at new years. (This isn’t just an assumption btw, I’ve spent nights crying because I wasn’t sleeping in my own bed and my own environment)
3. Have my mum + her boyfriend (who is just a copy of my dad which means triggers) could have come over. But I chose myself. I don’t want anyone like HIM in MY house. It’s MY house. It’s up to ME who comes in and who doesn’t. I am in control!

So others options might have been, go spend it with my dad. Go out in to the town and get drunk and/or high and see where I end up.
But in the end I think I chose the safest and bestest option for MYSELF. I really don’t understand why someone feels the need to rain on my parade. I was happy and just chatting with other people who are alone and that ‘yeah, you chose to be on your own anyways, cause you could have spent new years with me’ YOU ARE WITH YOUR FAMILY, Do you really think I would have felt comfortable there? Is it just me? Am I crazy for not wanting to spend New Years with people I do not know? Well maybe it is me, but I can’t be the only one.

Anyway, the internet on my phone is OFF. So no internet for me. Just on the laptop and I’ll probably won’t get any phone calls. wished my mum a goodnight and I’ll see her tomorrow. Got my medication ready for when I want it.


2013 in a blog post

Might contain TRIGGERS


So, 2013 in a blog post, this is gonna be nice one ๐Ÿ˜›

Well.. 2013 has been one heck of a year. Well I guess I say that every time, and every year it seems to surprise me what a chaotic life I have, which is weird, because it never has been different yet it keeps surprising me as if I expect different.
Anyway, it started real scary. I just moved to my own place. For the first time, living on my own. It was hard, finally a place of my own, now what? I started falling down hard, after a suicide attempt in february I didn’t really knew what to do with my life and just crawled back into my own fantasy world, which I used to do when I lived at home. I must have spent a few months there.. it was ok. After a while, I was ready to try back out again, and I started making contact with people. Mostly guys, let’s be honest xD. Went through the whole mick-mack with the heart-drama. Somewhere around May (?) I met Abraham, which I never saw coming and he gave me something I never thought I’d ever get, or I ever even wished or dreamed of, because I didn’t even know of its existence. Somewhere around July I started talking to Sander again I think, and Randy came… and went ๐Ÿ˜› man oh man, xD what a guy drama.

Mentally… what a rollercoaster. February was a big down for me. While Abraham was in my life I had a huge down (stopped with 2 medication type’s (Anti psychotic and anti depressant) which made all my emotions come back up, down i went, and well, a lot of downs since then. I guess only 1 really big one. So maybe just 3 this year.
But it feels like I’ve wandered around the edge of life numerous times, being tempted to jump and just forget the world. In february I tried, second time, Abraham pulled me away. Third time.. I pulled myself away.. wow.. I just realized that now.

2013 was the year I broke contact with my dad. The year I told my mum, straight to her face, why I have CPTSD. My mum told my sister behind my back (Which was a little disappointing, but ok)
I celebrated Christmas with my best friend.
I met Justy on ย Wordpress.
I started my blog here. Felt less alone by reading other people’s blog and their journey’s through life with their struggle’s.
The year I dated like crazy. But to be honest, the year I dates like crazy, but which made me realize, maybe I’m not ugly… because some guys I dated were.. well.. they’re were just plain hot ๐Ÿ˜› so it did give me a little boost ๐Ÿ˜‰
I got of to a great start with Polly, I trust her and I know how to be open with her and discuss things with her.
I learned a lot about (c)PTSD and myself and everything that comes with.

I’ve been down on the floor, crying like crazy, screaming my lungs out, but in the end I did get up.
I had stood on my balcony ready to jump off, ready to leave this world, but yet here I am writing this! ok.. this is freaking me out, I could’ve been dead by now.. Damn, glad I’m not actually. Otherwise I never would’ve known about Christmas with Bestie.. and how happy I have felt sometimes. So happy that I felt it was too much, happy-ness overdose.

Anyway, 2013, you have been a………. weird, amazing, depressing, loving, interesting year. Thank you.


Will I learn how to be one of you someday?


Do you recognize those times when you find yourself looking out the window, at the world and seeing the people living their lives of which you know nothing of (of course), but as ignorant as I am, I’m thinking their lives are pretty normal and I just want to be a part of them, be like them.
Sometimes I find myself staring out of the window for a while, just looking at them, somewhat jealous, curious, but in the end I always end up looking away because it gets too painful.

I do realize that I may be pushing myself further away from ‘you’ than I need to, by picturing this out loud. But to me it’s just a little thing of me, that happens every now and then. That describes the distance I feel between myself and society. I know everyone has their issue’s, every family, every person has troubles and problems and for that matter I could be walking to the store and someone else could be looking down at me thinking the same. Things are just not visible on the outside. Even if I made a chit-chat with the people down there, I wouldn’t know a thing. I’d only know, what they want me to know.

I feel this huge yearn for that life. That normal life. That ‘boring’, structured, everyday life.
It almost fascinates me..

Whatever you do.. I’ll do it to, show me everything and tell me how.

I wanna know
Can you show me?
I wanna know about these strangers like me
Tell me more, please show me! Something’s familiar about these strangers like me..


“I was raised from a broken seed

& I grew up to be an unwanted weed”

2 scenario’s
Both not ideal

Number 1;
Sitting on the couch, and feeling scared, feeling watched, shadows linger behind you waiting to attack. But when you turn your head you can’t see a thing.. well nothing abnormal at least.

Number 2;
Sitting on the couch, and feeling scared, feeling watched, shadows linger behind you waiting to attack. But you won’t turn your head, you just wait for them to grab you, hoping it’ll be over soon. And that they might show some mercy.

This is al so depressing and victim talk and it disgusts me and yet it’s all that comes out of me!
Right now I’m in situation 2. I just don’t care anymore. At least not right now. Not about myself.

I am save at home, nothing can happen to me and yet this feeling of fear and the shadow people are all around me. Smothering me in their darkness.

And now I’m done. Enough self-pity over here. You should see me sitting xD, looking down at my chest, with a sad face. I’d laugh at myself if I weren’t feeling so down.

I am being hit by the kind of bullets you can not see

Gonna go eat some dinner. Writing this done, made me realize I’m hungry, which isn’t weird… since it’s 9 pm and I haven’t had any dinner.





So Boxing day wasn’t that much fun. I went to my sisters with my mother. And at some point she triggered the shit out of me. At first I didn’t feel good, ย because I just knew I had to be there with a smile on my face, even though I didn’t feel like smiling. But knowing my sister couldn’t handle seeing me sad or anything but happy, I just have to smile.. that’s just how it goes.

And she has a puppy right, and he chews on his toy’s with a lot of saliva (which stinks!!!) and she smelled on it and was like ‘euw! this stinks!’ and then she pressed it under my nose. I am sensitive for things that smell strongly like that. And it made me gag. My mother was standing in front of me and as I started gagging, and I kind of lost touch with reality I grabbed my mums arm, hoping it could keep me here, or that she might help me stay here. But she didn’t.. well.. no, she didn’t. And I remember my sister saying ‘Brianna, stop being a baby, you’re overreacting, act normal, jeez’ afterwards I was shaking on my legs and ready to burst out in to tears.
Let’s just say it wasn’t the best day ๐Ÿ˜‰

Yesterday was ok though, I had a vacation day planned but turned out i didn’t need it. Went grocery shopping and just had a normal friday.

Today however.. If someone would ask me how i was doing, I’d say I’m okay. Cause I guess I am. I don’t have suicidal thoughts or anything, nothing major has happened. I just feel like SHIT. I want to scream and cry and just crawl into someone arms and have them hug me and tell me it’ll be alright. That I will be alright.

Got a new years eve plan.
Since I’m alone and I hate that. I found out I still have 2 sedative medication-type-thingie’s. So I’m gonna take them. And that will probably mean, I’ll sleep my way through new years, well that’s the only positive thing about that whole celebration thing.


The ocean of depression and beach of stability


So this whole recovery thing is really what I want to do. No doubt.

But sometimes, like now, I feel like I’m balancing in the middle.

Since I like to paint a picture (in my mind) I did it again. Like I’m used to living in the ocean.. ocean of depression and full of depressed feelings and self harm/suicidal feelings/thoughts/actions, abuse, depressing songs, depressing movies… you know? Just feeling miserable. It feels like home at some point, because I’ve been living there all my life.. I’m like a mermaid….. (lol). But it’s not working, I want to live on the shore. But sometimes it’s so cold and I long for the ocean and it find myself purposely looking up sad songs on youtube and playing them and just laying myself down in that ocean of depression. In stead of just lying on the beach of stability which gives me a feeling of restlessness.. like something’s wrong, something is just not right when I’m there. and I feel miserable when I’m in the ocean, but I feel like I’m where i belong, you know?ย 

I know the beach is unknown for me and I must remind myself every freaking minute of every freaking day that I do belong on the beach, and I must resist the temptation of the ocean because in the long run, the ocean just does not work ( I tried and well it just does not.. look at me now ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) but still it’s so hard.ย 

It’s not a christmas break. Because I’m still stuck with myself. I’m not on holiday, I’m still stuck with myself. I can’t have a nice time, because I’ll always be stuck with myself.ย 
Jeez, that sounds depressing, but it’s just a 24/7 job, and it’s irritating.ย 

This afternoon I kinda collapsed after bestie went away. Brenda had a HUGE scream moment. I just went to bed and slept for 4 or 5 hours, but right now I think I’m going to bed again, just going to put on a movie or something like that.ย 

Tomorrow I’m going to my sisters, don’t get me wrong, love my sister.ย 
But she can’t see me in pain, or sad, or something like that, because it hurts her. So I have to be smiling and put my mask on all day long.ย 
Friday I have a vacation day (Betty called it like that), permission to lie in bed all day and do NOTHING. For one day at least.ย 

Well off to bed I am.ย 
Gonna take baby girl with me =)ย 


Christmas Eve & Growth?


So I actually have a LOT to talk about, and it’s 3.30 am and bestie just went to bed, me too, but since I’m not tired I wanted to write about today.

I woke up kinda feeling depressed, not wanting to do anything, but as the day went on I got a little more excited. It did fall down a lot as things went wrong (you know, just small things that Always go wrong when you’re in a hurry or something like that ๐Ÿ˜‰ )but when she arrived actually everything turned out okay ๐Ÿ™‚

We went to dinner and it was soooo much fun! We went to an Italian restaurant and it was delicious! 3 course dinner! Yummy ๐Ÿ˜€
After that, back to my house talked up till 3 and decided to go to bed.

I just really enjoyed myself. We really talked again about 1000 things ๐Ÿ˜›

And suddenly Brandon came up..
(Last week, Wednesday, i was feeling really bad because of the holiday and not having any talks anymore so I asked Brandon if I could talk to him after therapy, since we didn’t have a scheduled appointment. He said he was booked the whole afternoon, so I asked for a phone call on thursday which wasn’t a problem (yep I’m not a phone person, but i just asked it so I could get ‘rid’ of him.. you know :$ ? Without the whole awkward ‘i asked something and you said no’-situation) ย later (15 minutes before my taxi was supposed to arrive) I got the message that he did have time, so if i wanted i could go anyways, but it was too late for me to reschedule the taxi, so I couldn’t. So i called him, and asked if I could email him what was on my mind and just write it all down (since i get really irritated on the phone). But he told me he’s not an email person (-.-) so maybe I could email him, and he’d answer me by calling me. So i was like; ok that sounds reasonable. But then i’d have to email the secretariat and they would fast forward the mail to Brandon, and I was like; what the hell! You can’t ask me to put my thoughts on paper and send it to THEM! So in the end i never send and email and he never called)
Anyways, i was pissed ๐Ÿ˜› so I talked to bestie about that, but while talking i realized something…… I’m being stupid haha.

I am mad… but why?

I used to like Brandon. Why? Because he’s steady. he doesn’t give in, doesn’t run after me etc (no roller coaster effect)

So now i’m mad, why? Because he’s not running after me ๐Ÿ˜› ! When actually, him not running after me is what i like about him. Because that means he’s the person who keeps his head cool when my head is about to turn to 100 degrees.

Kinda childish behaviour, like it’s a subconscious test or something like that.. from me to him. Well he sure passed that one xD
Damn… glad i figured this one out. otherwise I’d be complaining untill I’d see him again, and probably be sitting stubborn across from him when we’d have an appointment ๐Ÿ˜› hahaha anyhow it’d be time loss for me ๐Ÿ˜‰ so no win.

overall Christmas Eve was GREAT! ๐Ÿ™‚
Nobody can take that away from me ๐Ÿ˜€


Last therapy day of 2013!


So this was my last therapy day for 2013.

I guess it was good.

We had a lot of fun with the girls a lot of laughing but I noticed or I think I noticed a lot of tension from everyone just because of the holidays, I did talk to Betty for a short while, we talked about christmas and new years.. I told about my plans and stuff, cried about me being alone at new years ๐Ÿ˜› . But somehow it felt ok… I did leave the room because it felt like too much, but in the end it felt ok. It feels okay to not be okay with being alone at new years.

I feel a little bit more positive. (And a little torn about the word ‘little’ in the sentence, because at some point a lot, because I don’t have any suicidal thoughts, but I don’t feel really much better as in, the dark cloud is still hanging above my head… but thankful for the absence of suicidal thoughts! ๐Ÿ™‚ nobody needs those!)
I’ll just try to live this ‘holiday’ day by day.

I do realize I am very tense. Very sensitive to other people’s reaction. Like a friend of mine (who has absolutely NO understanding for mental health) made a comment about therapy today and it just went wrong (well it always does, but this time, my reaction was different.. he actually said sorry for his comment! :O ) and just worrying about the people who I’m talking to that they’re upset with me because they’re using an emoticon less or more… you know, little things. Just tense.
Anyway, going to live it day by day. Luckily it’s no long holiday!!
January 2nd I’ll have to be there again, and I will be, gladly ๐Ÿ˜‰ .

See my girls again ๐Ÿ˜€

They’re really growing on me ๐Ÿ™‚
And that’s weird, because we don’t always agree, by far sometimes, but that doesn’t matter, because I’m ok with not agreeing with someone as long as we accept each others as we are, and we do that! So I still think they’re great ๐Ÿ˜€ they just have their own (different) opinion and that’s ok ๐Ÿ™‚

Wish real life was that simple.. ๐Ÿ™‚



WARNING! This post contains TRIGGERS!ย 


Am I being cruel if I say I wish I died during the abuse?
That I wish I died before my mum got divorced and moved out of the house with me?
Am I ruining the chance others didn’t get?
Am I being ungrateful for the opportunity others clearly did not get?
Am I being unthankful by chosing or wishing death? While I have the option?

I just wish it because while I was being abused I never saw a future without to be honest, or maybe I did.. I don’t really know. It’s all really blurry in my head. I do know I wanted to do porn and stuff, but part of me must have hoped this would be over sometime? Or maybe not? Because otherwise I wouldn’t have tried to commit suicide when I was 13.

I wish I died before I was 16 because I didn’t know anything else but abuse. Of course I saw it in movies and stuff, but it was faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away and this was always very accurate;

At some point the safest place was my bedroom, however, the bedroom was IN that home! How stupid is that?!

Right now I’m seeing all these opportunity’s. These people have gone from my life and new doors have opened and yet I still cannot get past it. I’m still stuck. Almost as if nothing has changed (in my head).

Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain

I feel cruel for thinking.. this, let alone writing this. Disgusting and a disgrace.

But a part of me is just thinking ‘its not about comparison.. it’s just about me wanting to be dead and I just link it to the abuse that happened to ME and that is still wandering in my mind of which I just think might as well have killed me in the first place because I feel it will in the end anyways’.

Gross, what a depressive post.

Gonna go eat something and just go to bed early. Tomorrow will be the last therapy day for 2013… yikes!


Thinking, thinking…


So a lot of thinking and kind of down feeling.

I haven’t really been much on wordpress lately however I do think I am coming back (?), but I don’t want to make any promises or statements..

My life has been different, first I had the flu, had some contact with Abraham again and met some people.. I think overall you could say I have been less lonely. Which I have been so thankful for, because isn’t that what I always wanted? What I’ve been whining for these past few months?! Well yes, it was what I wanted.
It still is… don’t worry ๐Ÿ˜‰ I’m glad with the people, I don’t regret a thing ๐Ÿ™‚

I’m just a little disappointed at myself and the situation I guess.

When I’m alone I feel terrible (Lonely, and ptsdy-ish)
When I’m with people I feel less alone, but sometimes a lot more ptsd-ish, and I guess (well I’ve been thinking) is that because I have to hide my ‘true self’? I have to hide Brenda and Peter. I have to smile and be happy. I can not break down. And to be honest and not cocky, my house is aย kind of nice place, people seem to like it here and hang out for a LONG time ๐Ÿ˜› , like they don’t really want to go home, they like it here, which is good. But after a while, my mind or head starts playing tricks and I start getting restless. Which of course I have to hide. But in the end, it all gets worse. I get stuck in flashbacks and nightmares. Need to selfharm and thoughts of suicide.

Which made me think; are people a trigger for me?

Then again, at therapy it’s different.. but it’s very structured. People are in control (the therapists etc) and it’s limited.

It’s like there is no good option. Well I prefer the people option, but I do realize it’s the flashbacks and the building up of restless and tension in side of me which drives them away eventually.
I just hate that I can’t talk at therapy about this because there simply isn’t any time. The holiday’s are coming up and new years and it’ll be a good 2 or maybe 3 weeks before I can talk to someone. But I can feel me slipping down.