Small/big update

Hi,

Have been real busy lately. The fourth family member has arrived (puppy) and it’s really a big job raising her. Last week I was having a real hard time. Feeling suicidal. Had a good talk with Brandon though on thursday. Then I talked to two old therapy friends of mine and I was very surprised of it but it was very nice to talk to them. I actually cried a lot about how bad I was feeling and how stuck I was feeling. Anyway, then I had the final talk at the old treatment centre (as written in my last post).

Saturday I got the puppy and my whole life was actually dedicated to her. But my mind was still having a hard time. A lot of break downs. Calling my mum up in the middle of the night. On Tuesday the two (old therapy) friends came over and we had a lot of fun, talked and had a lot of fun. I felt really supported by them again. Because they knew how hard it’s been on me.

Wednesday I saw Brandon again and at the start of our talk it actually looked like it wasn’t going anywhere. I was totally closed up, but somewhere it turned and shifted and I opened up and we had a really good talk. I was able to talk about the thing going on in my head and I really got the feeling of being able to do this again. (which was a long time ago, I had this feeling)
He told me, which I agreed, that I need to put my defences up at some points.
I saw a friend of mine that afternoon and she looked at me and said ‘your talk with Brandon went well, didn’t it?’ Apparently it was all over my face. She told me she saw me smile again. (A true smile)

A friend is coming over in a bit.

Tomorrow my sister and another friend.

I’m busy, but good busy I think 🙂

 

xoxo
Brianna

Being raised by therapists

Hi,

A very tricky part for me is to explain what trauma does to a developing brain. I’m really not good at it. I’m going to try to give it a shot.
The abuse has been in my childhood for as long as I can remember, and experiencing trauma creates a stagnation in emotional development. So basically, as I see it, I do grow up and learn to talk and stuff, but emotionally I was stuck at the age of trauma. (which also explains the big troubles with emotions, children can not deal with emotions > trauma happened to me at a very young age > stagnation > emotional child)

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about or actually write/type… I feel like I am being raised by therapists. I remember getting into a therapy group when I was 16 and leaving at 17, I was there for 13 months and they taught me some few minimal basic stuff. Like when I was feeling something, I really did not know what the word was, that went with the feeling. They learned me, it was disappointment. It took me 13 months to learn the word disappointment with the feeling (and I’m not even talking about mentioning it while I’m feeling it huh 😉 )

It’s all these kind of small things, that therapists are teaching me. And actually I’m going from therapist to therapist, just switching and hopping from one to another. Bonding and breaking the bond.. hop on, op off.. 😉

Today I had my final talk with Betty (which means I will never see her again) and she asked me what I learned in my 18 months at the treatment centre there, the question was referred to the contact between me and my mother. I told her that I learned to apologize for my behaviour to my mother.
It’s a known fact that my mother irritates me sometimes, mostly it relates to my youth and it’s triggering. Which makes me burst and scream at her.
It took me (yep…) 18 months to learn to communicate with her and to tell her later on (when I’m calm again) ‘sorry momma for yelling at you, I was upset because of ……… but I didn’t mean to yell’
They told my mother to tell me what my yelling does with her and how it makes her feel and to accept my apology.
After that, we’re good again.
(Side note; my age is 22)

I also learned that apologizing for my behaviour does not mean apologizing for my feelings, because that’s not necessary. It’s just feeling angry does not give me the right to yell at my mother and I need to take responsibility for my actions. (Wow, they taught me well 😉 )

So, my biological mother and father can’t give me the parenting I need. But I sometimes really feel like I’ve got a lot of mothers (because most of my therapists are women) and a few dads. They do parent me. I just don’t get to keep them. Which is a shame sometimes.

xoxo
Brianna

Ramblings

I can do it, I am doing it. Living. I’m going out, I actually even smile and mean it sometimes. But mostly I’m not very happy. Especially since yesterday evening. It’s like a dark cloud is pushing down on me, while I try to move forward, I feel it’s pressure.

I’ve known Brandon (my psychiatric nurse) for 1,5 years now, and I think (even though 1,5 years is quite a long time) I actually trust him fully now. I really do. There is a time limit at my new treatment centre and it’s short… I’m actually pooping my pants already because in November I’ll be without Brandon, maybe just temporary, but I’ll be without.
When a part of me right now just wants to cling right on to him. I feel so down and bad right now.. I just want him to ‘make it all better’. The funny part is, when I’m actually sitting in front of him, I’m mostly quite calm. When I’m not, the only thing I do is stare at the ground (while crying) or at my lap, when he asks me to look at him, I refuse. I NEVER search for the physical contact. Or even ask for his comfort with words.

I know there are a very few people who do have a person like that. But if I had a person who felt save to me, in my environment, I’d reach out to him/her and ask for help right now. Tell ’em how I’m feeling and that I’m kinda feeling stuck with it. I know there’s no clear answer or solution, but honesty helps.. and being heard too.. and distraction third. So, in the absence of that person. WordPress is my outlet, I’m gonna make internet or Netflix my distraction wrap myself in a blanket and try to soothe myself and dry my own tears. Because despite all of the shit, I still have myself, and one day it will be okay and enough for comfort.

Ignorance is bliss

Last christmas, I hung 3 pictures in my christmas tree. Of the three people who stood by me the most in 2013. It was my (current) bestie, Justy and Abraham.

I’d say, ignorance is bliss in that situation.

Had I known that bestie wouldn’t be my best friend anymore and Abraham would turn away from me, even after an open conversation. And last week at some point I thought I’d lose Justy aswell, I’d really think ‘why would I even care?’

I had a real tough week but had good distraction as well so it had a lot of balance luckily.

I got the comment thrown at my head from a ‘close friend’ that ‘she is always happy’ (he wasn’t talking about me, obviously) it was a real slap in the face. And to me, freaking unfair to say. First of all, nobody is ever always happy. Second of all, don’t like it? Go away.

I know I got a lot to offer somebody. If you don’t appreciate it, then go away. I don’t want to waste my time, energy or even my tears on people who don’t deserve it.

I have an exciting week ahead. It’ll be my last week with just the three of us, at the end of the week, our fourth family member will join us!
Anyway, it’s planned and packed with loads of stuff. Mostly fun things though and meeting up with people.

Gotta admit, feeling shaky on my legs, I feel the need to cry and crawl away (since it’s evening I’ll just go do that in bed and sleep) and face this new week.

xoxo
Brianna

Plan A or B?

Hi,

So tomorrow I have an appointment at the new therapy unit. It’ll be with someone from my old unit though and Brandon will work there aswell. I’ve got two plans.
By the way, I got to tell, my mood is kinda low. I feel really alone and misunderstood.

Plan A; Go there, throw myself at their shoes. Beg for a hug, and for them to listen to me. To give me some comfort. Cry because FINALLY there’s someone around who understands me and SEE’S me. Praise the Lord. Kiss the ground.

I’m really not kidding.

Plan B; Just do as I’m told. Act all cool. It’s an ‘official’ appointment.  To see if they can do anything for me and stuff.. But anyway, don’t act all desperate.

Obviously plan A is all emotional an B all rational. Now where is C? A nice mix of both.

The appointment will be at 9.30 am. Right after that I’ll meet with some girls from my old therapy group, which probably will be good. They are more understanding.
I feel a major ocean of tears coming up. I better brace myself, and Brenda, although we’ll probably just entwine.

Why tear each other apart?
Please tell me why
Why do we make it so?
I look at us now
We only got ourselves to blame
It’s such a shame

So come and face me now
Here on this stage tonight

Let’s leave the past behind us
What’s come between us?
Only tear drops

 

It – honestly – breaks my heart, to stumble upon misunderstandings, or any kind of walls. Upon mouths being shut and heads being turned. Especially those who used to look and lend a hand.
And just to make it a little bit more painful, it only seems to break my heart.

xoxo
Brianna

There’s no fighting against this force

 

We met as soul mates on Parris Island
We left as inmates from an asylum
And we were sharp, as sharp as knives
And we were so gung ho to lay down our lives

We came in spastic like tameless horses
We left in plastic as numbered corpses
And we learned fast to travel light
Our arms were heavy but our bellies were tight

We had no home front, we had no soft soap
They sent us Playboy, they gave us Bob Hope
We dug in deep and shot on sight
And prayed to Jesus Christ with all of our might

We had no cameras to shoot the landscape
We passed the hash pipe and played our Doors tapes
And it was dark, so dark at night
And we held on to each other
Like brother to brother
We promised our mothers we’d write

And we would all go down together
We said we’d all go down together
Yes we would all go down together

Remember Charlie, remember Baker
They left their childhood on every acre
And who was wrong? And who was right?
It didn’t matter in the thick of the fights

We held the day in the palm of our hands
They ruled the nights, and the nights
Seemed to last as long as six weeks…

…On Parris Island
We held the coastline, they held the highlands
And they were sharp, as sharp as knives
They heard the hum of our motors
They counted the rotors
And waited for us to arrive

And we would all go down together
We said we’d all go down together
Yes we would all go down together

 

 

This song reminds me of PTSD so much. It’s written about the war and veterans.. but I relate to it as childhood trauma as well.

Two sides

Well hello flu, long time no see

I’m feeling terrible again. Soar throat, coughing, full nose, high temperature, headache. I was sick in March twice, April 0, now May 1. Lets keep it like that.

Anyway, it always has two sides I guess. I had a lovely weekend. Saw the puppy ❤ and had a great sleepover with the girls from my old therapy group. So it actually is the best time to get sick, because being sick right now, means I’ll be better the 24th, and that’s the day I’m going to welcome the puppy home. It’s actually right in between two great things. So I do ‘have the time’ to be sick.

It’s just sucky that it triggers me.

So right now I still am doing everything to keep me balanced. I actually stopped taking the oxazepam, since it’s giving me weird dreams. If I’m having crisis I’m going to take quetiapine (it’s stronger, but ok). I’m sleeping on the couch. Creating everything as save as possible for myself and just giving myself what I need within the possibilities.

For instance, eating popsicle when I want to, carrying my security blanket around me all the time, sleep whenever I feel the need to.

xoxo
Brianna

I yearn for some credit

Hi,

When I look at myself right now and a year ago, a lot has changed. At some point I do feel nothing has changed (I can still feel like shit and stuff… but..).

But, I’ve got to say, I do get out of the house.
A year ago, I had therapy, twice a week.

So my week would be.

Monday – Therapy
Tuesday – Home
Wednesday – Home
Thursday – Therapy
Friday – Home
Saturday – Home
Sunday – home

I Hated the weekends, capital h, and I rarely did something outside.
I did feel like crap and all.

But here and now, my past/current week:

Monday – Met with a friend in the afternoon, later went to a festival with another friend and had some drinks with her, came home about 11 pm
Tuesday – Justy came over and had a nice afternoon/evening with her
Wednesday – Home! (Oh no 😉 )
Thursday – Met with another friend and spend the whole afternoon with her and in the evening I went to work.
Friday – Home. I spent some time with my mum.
Saturday – I’ll go visit my future puppy (I’ll explain later) & will go over to a friend for a sleepover with other girls
Sunday – go back home but meet with another friend in the afternoon.

I see difference…. Don’t you? Besides! The first friend from monday + the friend from thursday where both people I reached out to because I felt I needed some contact.
Even when I feel I have no one to reach out to, I can even go out side and just walk around and it’ll make me feel a little better.

Maybe they’re all small things, but it’s a real big difference to me.

About the sweet little dog. I’m getting a puppy 🙂 she’s real small right now, 5 weeks actually, she’s still with her momma, so I’m just gonna pay a visit. But at the end of May I’m allowed to take her home 😀 .
Then we’ll be a family of four 🙂 with my two cats and me.

That’s me…
Doing pretty ok actually with the oxazepam in me. I’m almost afraid to say it out loud, or even type it. I don’t want to jinx it.. but I’m being stable.. just looking at my life week by week, and it’s ok 🙂

xoxo
Brianna

The medicated world

Hi,

Sticking to my medication recipe; 24/7 zombie by oxazepam + normal medication (topomax and prozac)

There is this huge part of me who fights against taking the extra’s. Because I don’t want to rely on that kind of medication. But it’s 11 pm right now and I haven’t cried for at least 3 hours right now, and that is really a record! Sure, I have felt depressed and have been sitting on my couch staring. Made rude comments to people saying ‘life sucks’ and ‘who cares’. BUT I haven’t cried.

So maybe there’s a plus size to this whole zombie oxazepam thing.

Today I phoned again with the therapist (it’s the second time I did that) and it’s already getting too much for her. She actually told me to go talk to Betty. While she knows I can not talk to Betty. I have major issue’s with Betty, Betty knows and even put that in my file. Felt a bit irritated by that, but ok. We’ll see tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’ll have to work again. I AM gonna take my medication, but I will take it around 2 pm, then when I go to work, it wont be to strong anymore and hopefully people will get their drinks properly.. and their change of course.

Saturday I’ll be going on a birthday party (with sleep over) which should be fun. It’s from one of the girls from therapy.
Sunday there’s something fun to do at work, in the afternoon, so I’ll go there as well.
It seems like my weekend has got some distraction at least 🙂

Current state; head above water, finally!

xoxo
Brianna

Inside and outside

“Wow you’re so lucky, your mother is so great”

I had a birthday party quite recently. My birthday party.
I invited the girls over to my place, which was the first time for most of them.

They were all flabbergasted about the huge size of my apartment and the fact that my mum got this arranged for me. And of course I heard the sentences “you really have a cool mom” and “you’re really lucky with a mom like that”

A part of me was really hurt and another part felt like it wasn’t ok to feel hurt. Because it’s true right? My mum bought a house, so I could go live in it, before she could.

I talked to Justy about it (I talk to Justy a lot) and there are a few details left out above.

My mum bought this house so I could live in it = correct. (I still pay a lot of money every month to live here btw)

But.. my mom bought me this house BECAUSE I could not live with her anymore. And why not? Because she was living with her boyfriend (aka a replica of my dad). He triggered me so much, he made my life terrible. And she was not able to stand up for me. Whatever he did, it was ok. He chased away my sister.. my mom did nothing. I got hospitalized because of him, we had an argument. She did nothing.

So it came to a point.
Am I going to stand up for my daughter or am I going to have to get her a place of her own?

Yep, she chose the second one. I am really lucky with a mom like that.