I just can’t stop crying, not today, not yesterday, not last week.
I don’t think anyone realize, or I don’t think I’m able to express how much I’m hurting.. or how I feel I’m dying inside.
I ended my last blog post with ‘What happened to me?’
I think (with a lot of help) I figured it out.
Yes, I was doing better. I was getting stable. I think I have never been that stable in all my life. And of course I wasn’t the only one who noticed that. Of course Polly noticed.. and of course Brandon and the other people at therapy noticed.
Without pointing fingers (because I don’t want to do that) I know that people at therapy have been having a hard time, struggling more than me. And then there was me, being stable.
The most logical thing to do was, let me do my thing, and focus on the people who are struggling.
Turns out… I was stable, BECAUSE of the structured help I was getting. When that went away, I was still moving forward, fixing stuff on my own, but the cracks that opened up, by the punches of all the triggers, weren’t glued shut at the same pace as before.
I tried, I really did, and I guess slowly but surely I started tumbling down.
It’s been a terribly long time since I’ve had crisis twice in one day (yesterday). Crying and screaming because of inner pain.
I feel alone and lost. Lying on the ground, gasping for air like crazy, which make me thirsty.. but there’s no water. It feels like I am barely surviving.
Of course there are moments when I feel a little better, but as before, the moments last a few hours. And I just know, anything can knock me down right now.
I guess I’m lucky I’ve had a few weeks of stability because it might be saving my ass right now. It might have built up my rational part a little, or given some strength to the rational/adult voice inside of me.
Because honestly, I feel like shit and suicidal. I’ve been crying all day. Yesterday was a big depressed day as well.
I know there is a huge possibility it’s all just hormones.
But it doesn’t make it better right now.
Rationality is telling me I have enough to live for, but emotionally I’m beyond done. I actually had ‘the talks’ again with my mother.
“Me; I want to die.. please let me die. I want to go”
Things that are ‘supposed’ to bring me joy, don’t. They barely even bring a smile on my face, which feels like a fake one.
Tomorrow will be a very hard day at therapy and I can’t help but think ‘fuck it all’.
And above all this, I feel so damn alone. Really like no one cares. I know people are seeing me doing well, and trusting me doing well on my own. But no one really asks me how I’m really doing.
Wednesday morning messed me up so bad. Therapy doesn’t even know. A few people on twitter approach me and genuinely ask me how I am, because I have been so quiet, and it actually breaks my heart, because THEY notice, how come the people around me don’t?
For the first time, in so long, I have the feeling my security blanket will not be enough when I go out. I feel like I have to carry around my ‘special sharp cutter’ just in case I need it. (Just like I used to)
What happened to me?
I have been really quiet lately, on here, on twitter on internet overall actually.
Looking back on the period I think I have been very busy with dealing and accepting and fitting the CPTSD into my daily life and making everything as normal as possible. Now I realize that sounds negative, but it really isn’t. Because I’ve been ok with it. Still am. There are moments I still long for the company, but there are moments I just go out and squeeze myself into the crowd and try to be ok with what I can get from that, and strangely enough, it makes me happy.
I seem to have the best medication combination for myself right now (it took me 7 years to get to this combination so I think it’s ok to have found it by now 😉 ) and step by step… maybe… I’m just moving forward.
Is it easy? No, it’s not. For instance, yesterday I got triggered real bad at therapy and there was absolutely no space for my problems. Brenda was very upset.
I had to deal with it on my own even though there were therapists around me. It made me a little angry. Why should I do this all alone? You are here around me!
But in the end, I’m glad I calmed her down by myself.
I’m still scared, and I still get upset. I still cry like a baby sometimes, and grab on to my security blanket like there’s no tomorrow, but somehow I seem to survive that every time.
Maybe it’s just what it is, right now. So, instead of trying to reprocess all the trauma, I’m trying to accept the trauma, and still be happy with my life. Still be smiling.
Although right now, I’m having a sad moment.. (I know it’s probably PMS) I feel I have more distance at the whole situation, instead of drowning in the sadness I feel.
Now I’m gonna take Brenda and myself to bed, because staying up while I’m this sad, is never going to do any good. I could use the sleep anyway 🙂