It’s not as bad as it seems, it only hurts when I breathe

I guess I’m lucky I’ve had a few weeks of stability because it might be saving my ass right now. It might have built up my rational part a little, or given some strength to the rational/adult voice inside of me.
Because honestly, I feel like shit and suicidal. I’ve been crying all day. Yesterday was a big depressed day as well.

I know there is a huge possibility it’s all just hormones.

But it doesn’t make it better right now.

Rationality is telling me I have enough to live for, but emotionally I’m beyond done. I actually had ‘the talks’ again with my mother.

“Me; I want to die.. please let me die. I want to go”

Things that are ‘supposed’ to bring me joy, don’t. They barely even bring a smile on my face, which feels like a fake one.

Tomorrow will be a very hard day at therapy and I can’t help but think ‘fuck it all’.

And above all this, I feel so damn alone. Really like no one cares. I know people are seeing me doing well, and trusting me doing well on my own. But no one really asks me how I’m really doing.
Wednesday morning messed me up so bad. Therapy doesn’t even know. A few people on twitter approach me and genuinely ask me how I am, because I have been so quiet, and it actually breaks my heart, because THEY notice, how come the people around me don’t?

For the first time, in so long, I have the feeling my security blanket will not be enough when I go out. I feel like I have to carry around my ‘special sharp cutter’ just in case I need it. (Just like I used to)

What happened to me?

Feeling blue


I’m predicting this post is going to be a big blur of me rambling about loneliness and thoughts around that. And I think it might be hard to follow.

So, I’m still feeling sick-ish. It’s not that hard anymore, but it’s still kicking me down. I’m still in bed all day and then it’s bearable. But… I’m lonely. I have the tendency to just keep busy. But with being sick and all, there’s not much energy (well feel free to say, no energy) left to do stuff. But I just want to do stuff and I don’t even care right now if it’s working all day and all night long. Just let me do something, anything but think. Anything but being lonely here.

I miss you. And I think we all know who I’m talking about, but right now I can’t bear to say his name. A part of me feels like the most stupidest whore on earth, for feeling like this. And just writing that down, the other part disappeared. The other part was probably a little more healthy but the Peter-like-thinking destroyed it temporarily. Well, that’s ok.

At this moment, I just don’t care. Just give me something to do. No, better yet. Make me do something. Force me.
I know that won’t work. Because Brenda will start screaming eventually because she’ll feel unsafe or need rest etc. and then I’ll collapse no matter what.
But I just feel like I just can’t just sit here on my bed thinking about ‘you’, and actually thinking to myself.. realizing this;

I want you near.
You don’t want near.
I can’t do anything about that.

It’s as simple as that. And no matter how simple that is, it’s so painful. Because I can’t look into your head. My expectations have to be low, lower than the ground. Nothing is clear and though it never was, now it seems worse.
I’m so upset. And who knows, maybe I’m a lot more in my child-mode than I realize right now, because when I force myself to look back at my post, it’s not very adult-thinking.. and when I force myself to look at the last month rationally for instance, I’ve been doing fine with the distance between me and you. And I was honestly okay with it. But right now, I’m falling to pieces, the distance is breaking me up. Time and patience seem like my worst enemy, but I think I’ve got an unreliable friend on my side who is far worse than time and/or patience.  I just don’t know what it is yet.


Overload of tears

I can’t remember the last time I cried this much.
It can’t be that long ago, but I’ve been doing pretty ok, keeping myself pretty stable. Crying doesn’t mean I’m unstable, but it’s really a waterfall.

It started around 11.30 am at therapy. Got my ass whipped for speaking up. (basically > just speaking my point of view) Afterwards got all compliments from the girls for speaking up.
Anyway it didn’t help, tears came out. Unfair. No openness. Why would you kick my ass.

I don’t understand.

Right now, I’m still crying. Almost 10.30 pm.
I have periods of hyperventilating, although I do feel that’s more ‘Brenda crying’ because it’s very limitless. I completely drown in all sorrow and my own tears.

I can’t even grab Brenda’s hand and help her. I’m drowning myself. I’ve got my/our security blanket in my hand, all the time, and it brings comfort, a lot, but it doesn’t stop the tears from coming.

I feel completely broken. The road ahead feels shattered.
I feel like I’m standing alone, Brenda is shaking on her legs, trying to hold her own weight, standing behind me/hiding. And I don’t know what to do.

I really wish I had Abraham by my side right now. Not just because he gives the best advice ever. But because I’d like a hug. Brenda wants him around too.

I don’t think, well I’m pretty sure, I wont be going to therapy on Monday. I need the rest. I’ll go on Wednesday again, because 1. Brandon will be there (he’s the only half-save person there.) and 2. the ass-whipper is there as well. < Balance, right?

Right now you can really carry me away. My eyes are swollen. My head is about to burst. I am so upset, even the nap I had this afternoon (before the nap I cried, and after I woke, I started crying again!) didn’t regulate my feelings/state of mind.

What are my options?

No police for me please


I think it’s save to say I haven’t been in the best place lately.
I was talking to my friend Saturday morning about how I was feeling. To me, it was nothing new. Nothing weird, I didn’t say anything different. Or suspicious. Nothing I might not have said the day before for instance. Of course, I talked to him about how miserable I was feeling, and how I didn’t really see how it could get any better, and to be frank; how I wanted to die.
But to be honest? I said that to him Friday aswell.

Suddenly he didn’t answer anymore. Although I could see he had been online since then (Whatsapp). Well ok, I figured he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I was a little hurt but I can understand it can be a burden to talk about heavy stuff like that. So I just let it go.

50 minutes later the doorbell rang.. I opened and TADAA, the police.

‘Somebody phoned us, saying they were worried about you’

Well just to paint a picture. My heart as racing, I was beyond scared. Brenda SCREAMED terror in my head ‘ABRAHAM!!’, I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t even talk to the police. I just politely gave them my hand as a ‘Hi my name is……’ except, I couldn’t even say that. They asked me if they were allowed to come in. I couldn’t answer, all I could do was shake, and tears escaped from my eyes. I could notice one of them looking around and the other one focussing on my face (and my arm which is full of scars + a few fresh cuts). I was standing there in my pyjama’s, which means a tank top, and a short boxer pants. They were two huge men in uniform. Right in front of me. Very intimidating.

‘Can we go further?’
Brianna was still shaking and crying.
‘We’ll just go to the living room?’
Brianna was still shaking and looked at the living room.

I can’t even describe it. I know I texted my mum; Police is here. Get here now. < That I could do! Wow.
They started to ask me all kinds of questions. A part of me was still being smart, although Brenda was screaming, I knew… they’d put me in a cell if they take me.

One of the cops was real hard and not nice at all, he was very intimidating and scary to be honest. The other one was friendly actually, but unfortunately he didn’t say much. He did try to squeeze a sentence in when the other one was being so harsh and made me cry bad.

It all turned out ok.
My mum came, they left. I was ‘ok enough to not be taken away. I was not a danger to myself and/or others’.

But then I collapsed. I started crying like crazy. Shaking like crazy. I actually cried to my mum straight in her face saying ‘I need Abraham, mummy’.
I was sitting on the couch, she put a blanket over me and got me glass of water and my crisis medication.

Now, the day after…. I slept good thanks to the medication.
My house does not feel save. It’s like the police men are still sitting on the couch. Watching my every move. I don’t know what else to say except; my house isn’t save anymore right now.




Monday was therapy day, and a long one. As much as I’d like to write it down clearly, I can’t. Because it’s not clearly in my mind. My talk with Betty was good but hell. I tried to tell her about the trigger (from january 3rd) but I couldn’t really describe it and I started crying. Like a fucking baby. Shit came out of my nose I think, I just couldn’t control myself. I couldn’t breathe properly. Brenda kept screaming in my head for safety in her own way.
Betty kept asking me ‘what can I do for you?’
All I could think of was; take care of me, help me get through this. Help me stay save. Help me through the evening and night. HELP. Get Abraham here. Ofcourse I couldn’t say any of these things, well I could, but she can’t do any of those things so instead I said ‘I dont know/nothing’. I couldn’t even look at her, I kept looking down at my lap and just hoping, wishing, wanting to disappear.

I kept on crying. We went for a walk outside which seemed to calm me down. I stopped crying and started talking about bullshit just to get my head out of the loneliness feeling (I do remember myself crying because I felt this huge agonising pain because of the thought of the upcoming evening + night + day and the loneliness that comes with). But just as we got back in (my mum and sister were already sitting in the waiting room), I started crying again.
Betty asked if I wanted to go into her office again but I said no. What’s the point?

Then I had the family talk with my mum + sister + me and the therapist. But a lot of crying there as well. I was totally broken, torn and just done. At some point I just knew, I have to do something because I will lose it. In the middle of the whole talk I just took my crisis medication.
It numb-ed me out. And eventually when I got home, knocked me out into a sleep.

Today Polly came over and I could see she got shocked because of how I looked. My eyes were beyond swollen. Of course still in my pyjama’s. She came in, asked how I was doing and I started crying again. To sum it up, I’m going to ask for a short stay in the open unit (1 or maybe 2 nights), just to get some rest. Tried to call the psychiatrist for some medication for tonight but he’s on a ‘team day’ today?! Just my luck!
I called Brandon because I want to ask him tomorrow for that stay in the open unit (I called him at 1 pm and was told that he would call me back). At some point it was 4.50 pm and I hadn’t got a call back. Beyond frustrated of course (had called twice in the mean time). I called again and finally got to speak to him, of course my mind is now beyond suspicious and all theories about how he didn’t want to talk to me or how they’re talking about me behind my back and maybe trying to ship me off to a clinic.
Anyway, I can see him at 8.45 tomorrow morning.

But now, I need to survive this evening and night. By even the thought of that, I start crying. So I’m just gonna have to take it one minute at the time.




Wrote a whole post about how I’m feeling and then I realized…… it’s stupid, because it’s about how lonely I feel and it’s all I can write about. So I just put it as draft.
I’ll state it here, short but powerful; I’m lonely.

So now that’s off my chest.
I had a little fight with my sister.

She used to call me a stalker and stuff like that, because I could get so caught up in the people I like. I found this thing on the internet about a little description about people like that and stuff, and I send it to her, asked her wat she thought of it.

She was all like ‘I think everyone is obsessive in some way’ BALBLALBALBALBLALLBALBLLALBAL. So, yeah sure, but that’s not the point. It’s a problem when it stands in the way of things. Otherwise everyone has OCD, everyone has PTSD, everyone has BPD, everyone is psychotic! Jeez -_-
She got all ‘know it all’ because she studied a form of psychology.
Then she said ‘with you it’s just insecurity’ ………………….. oh, I’m sorry, I can’t remember you taking some psychologic tests with me. I’m JUST insecure? If that’s the problem, well then there is no problem


and now she freaking denies everything by saying I’m just insecure.

I can’t remember telling here what goes on in my mind, BECAUSE SHE FREAKING PUTS ME DOWN FOR IT.

Last I told her something about 5 months earlier involving Abraham. And she said ‘Jeez, you’re not contact him are you?’ SORRY TROLL FOR WANTING TO CONTACT SOMEONE WHO HELPED ME. Unlike you 
Who does she think she is??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Bullshit when she said she thinks I’m having such a hard time. Freaking ass kissing.
Every time when I mention a boy’s name (it was someone who was on TV on The voice) she says ‘Who the fuck is that?’ or something like ‘Oh jesus, someone else again?’

Sorry miss PERFECT. I don’t have  FIANCEE who PAYS every damn thing for me. Who accepts my AWFUL personality. BRAINS TO FUCKING STUDY. SIzE DAMN 0 (size zero) WITH THE PERFECT CLOTHES. The ability to straighten that STUPID ASS HAIR. An Iphone, Ipad, Laptop, big ass TV prescription, super fast internet speed, SUPPORT AROUND ME.

I do agree, we should not diagnose everything, or make up a diagnose for everything. Because then nobody would be normal. Some things are just character or personality.

She doesn’t even know it’s the SECOND damn week, I have cried EVERY day, MULTIPLE times about being LONELY. Before that I was cutting the shit out of myself. And my memory doesn’t go far back, but I guess I was feeling very lonely before that (cutting) period as well.

I don’t tell her this stuff, because she’ll just be all ‘sad’ because I’m going through this. So I can’t even tell her, because she can’t handle it. And now I don’t, she thinks she knows me by calling me  ‘just insecure’ SWEETY, I WISH I WAS JUST INSECURE.

I am crying my ass of right now, begging in my head for someone to kill me, begging for mercy in some way. I HATE feeling misunderstood. It is just NOT that simple. Does she think I like sitting at home? Does she think I like being this FUCKING FAT? Does she think I like being this UGLY? Well I don’t.



Broken by life. Broken by this horrible world we live in.

I feel so damn alone.

By the way, I saw this wordpress blog post (the one that brought this whole thing up);

Then I searched on the internet for it, and found this wikipedia stuff;
And the wikipedia stuff is what I showed my sister.

Of course I do not think I have this disorder, it’s not even an official disorder. Like I said earlier in my blog, I guess the complex part about Complex PTSD, is that it looks like so much things (borderline, bipolar, ddnos, ptsd, psychosis, depression, anxiety) but it isn’t, because it’s ‘just’ a result of the trauma. And I was just thinking that the obsessive love thing, might be a small result as well. THAT’S ALL.
But they talk about ‘severe emotional injury’.. what is severe? I don’t think I had severe emotional injury, but just emotional injury.

Anyway, it feels like I should have shut my big mouth. What was I thinking trying to open up?

My sister doesn’t even know about the guys I talk to anymore, she always has negative comments on it! She doesn’t even know I went on a date a few weeks back. Because I know she wouldn’t approve. She’d just get annoyed and maybe even angry with me.

Of course I love her.. but this was just a slap in the face. Not just a slap, but a slap from her. Which made everything more painful.

Maybe not even a slap, but a stump, pushing me back into my cave. As if she’s saying ‘what the hell are you doing out here? Go back!’

She doesn’t need to hate me, I can do that all by myself.

Well.. I guess this is rejection? Or not?
I don’t even care.

Just want rest. Let me do a hibernation. I’ll wake up in April or something like that. Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll feel a little more rested then, and maybe….. maybe… I’ll have a little more strength. And maybe.. the flame of hope will be lit again. I just don’t have any matches or a lighter left.

I really hope I’ll be done crying soon, than I can go to sleep.


Losing someone


In the ‘long’ cab drives from home – therapy and back I do get a lot of thinking. Staring outside and just have my mind wander off.
A while ago I found this quote;
When you lose someone, you don’t lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time. ~ Simon Birch
And since then it’s been going in and out of my mind, but today it got stuck and I thought about it a lot more. Of course influences like realizing the loneliness, the loss, things happening in the world or just around me make me think as well.

Luckily I haven’t seen much of death. My uncle died when I was about 13 or 14 years.. I don’t really remember much. He was very sick, with cancer. I was very depressed and I know I was a little afraid because he had changed so much  (because of the illness). (I knew him since I was a baby, saw him many times a year) My grandpa died when I was very young (like 1-year-old?) so I don’t remember him.

So a part of me feels like I don’t really have the right to talk about the quote or this stuff, because I haven’t really been through the same, or the worst for that matter.

I’m going to do it anyway, while knowing it’s NOT death, but just estranged.

For instance, my grandmother, whom I love very much. She lives about 2500 km away? So I really don’t get to see her often. And every time I do, I keep wondering ‘was this the last time?’ I try not to think about her leaving the world, not only not being able to say goodbye (money issues) and just knowing when I go to that country, she won’t be there. I had/have a very intense relationship. My grandmother was like my mother for the first 6 years of my life. Took good care of me and gave me a lot of love.
Of course there’s the whole loneliness feeling and of course with that there are a lot of other people’s names attached (well.. a lot isn’t true. a few).

Looking at these kind of people/situations, I do feel I can relate to that quote to some extent. Like when my grandma left Holland, a big part of me felt dead, not being able to go to her room and ask for a hug, just not having her support here 24/7. I do think of it like a big thing (just to paint a picture;), like a puzzle. With maybe 10000 pieces 😉 . When my grandmother left Holland, a lot of pieces got shattered and lost, maybe even 50%. So to me that was huge. But I do realize that over the years, I am still feeling her loss. Her absence. When I do see her.. it’s like she’s already moving away from the world. I don’t know what (and if) I’ll see next time.
So it feels like even though I still had like 50% of the puzzle, over the years and over time, pieces are still breaking/vanishing. And it still hurts. Not like it did, no.. a lot less. But painful enough to have me wonder ‘what the hell is this?’ and have my eye drop a few tears.

Thinking in PTSD terms, I feel like I lost a lot there aswell. I lost my youth, my father, a big piece of my mother… and all those things still hurt. It could be because I am totally in the middle of that right now, accepting.. or trying to accept. Going through these grieving stages, back and forth from denial/anger/hurt (it’s like I’m stuck by the way, especially since I keep going back to the denial part, anyway) so my puzzle is breaking, breaking hard. I’m a little bit afraid I’ll still feel pieces of the puzzle breaking and vanishing 15 years from now. I’m glad it’ll be a lot less painful, but still sad.

It’s like people are irreplaceable. Things like parents or your youth are irreplaceable as well. It isn’t like ‘well I’m 18 now, lost my youth, cried hard about it & now that’s done’.
Of course there are a lot of other great people, I really do NOT deny that. You never know whats around the river bend. But I do know.. it’s not that person. It still hurts.. why does it still hurt?
Will it ever stop hurting?

I do really appreciate the good memories I still have, and I realize I’ll always have them, but do I want to?

When will the last piece go?

I can’t erase, so I’ll take blame
But I can’t accept that we’re estranged


Tears wash your soul?


A long time no writing.
Yeah, I had pretty hectic days. A lot of emotions. Still do, but I want to write something. Just get things off my chest.

Therapy wise is probably the best for me not to talk about right now.. just to stall it to monday.

Loneliness is still a big part of my life. I do make a little more contact, like when I go outside, I brush my hair, put on some make-up +earrings. So when someone does recognize me, I don’t need to feel ashamed of being outside while looking sick or something.

The past week every night ended in me crying, waking up with ugly swollen eyes.
Broke down in front of Polly as well.

My mum has been here every night the past week, I’m really feeling low and down. Though I have my good moments as well! But the thing that reminds me the most is just the tears, a lot of tears.

Right now my mums kitten is here with me. He’s staying till Sunday cause my mum is going out-of-town tomorrow (Just realised this right now. out-of-town means she won’t be able to come over if I need to!!!! SHIT!) so he’s with me. Baby girl is pretty angry at him, baby boy is ok. And the kitten is very afraid. He did hide a lot around my mum, but she left like an hour ago, so now he doesn’t really seem to know what to do. Poor thing 😦 wish I could tell him she’s coming back for him sunday. And that he’s save and okay with me/here.

I feel a little stuck. But I do feel ok.
I don’t even know what I’m writing, like, I’m just blabbing.

It just feels to dangerous to go into detail about therapy for example, which has a big part in my head right now, because I’m afraid it’ll trigger a major reaction.
Right now, just keep going without feeling. Gonna focus on kitten feeling save here.

And just trying to express my feelings with quotes + songs + pictures =) that usually calms me down. Like there is a way to let the things out I want to say, but I just don’t know how. But with the quote/picture/song I do..

So here are a few;

When you lose someone, you don’t lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time. ~ Simon Birch

Since you’ve been gone… Every morning when I get out of bed, I look into the mirror hoping to find my smile. But as usual, no smile. I look and I look, but it’s nowhere to be found.
I keep my eyes peeled wherever I go, but still no luck. When I try to think just where it might be… I can’t help but wonder.. if maybe you know where I left my smile,
’cause the last time I saw it, I was with you.

Don’t want to leave,
but we both know
Sometimes its better to go
Somehow I know we’ll meet again
Not sure quite where and I don’t know just when
You’re in my heart, so until then
Wanna smile, wanna cry
Saying Goodbye ~ Muppets Take Manhattan

Good-Bye is an easy word to say but try saying it to a friend. If I never knew you, I’d be safe, but half as real, never knowing I could feel.~Pocahontas

I miss you like hell
Even though you’re still around
The fact you don’t want to talk
Makes me go insane with the pain
I feel inside my chest
Gasping for some air
I know will hurt when I breathe
Because every breath reminds me..
I can’t live without you

I just wish the people who left, were still around. Well actually it’s just 3 people. But I miss them so much. (Oh, here come the tears)

After a while you learn to live half alive, until something reminds you of the part that is missing, and then it’s like I can feel myself living half.. like there is this huge part missing, and nobody is able to live with half of their body, it just not possible. It’s like I’m dying, slowly, but surely. The pain eats me up alive. (And I AM well aware that with my moodswings, within an hour, or maybe just 15 or 30 minutes, I can feel like the happiest girl in the world. But that really doesn’t make this any less painful right now)

I don’t really know where I’m going. It does feel like people will think I’m exaggerating and being a drama queen. But isn’t a part of the cptsd/moodswings that every little thing feels 10 times more intense?
I don’t know who measured that

Anyway, feels like a lame-ass post. But I’ll post it anyway.

To sum it up; I feel a little bit lost without you & I’m a bloody big mess inside 




Uhm.. Where do I start?
It has been a very intense day (full of therapy). A lot of emotions.
I am still very emotional right now, crying about every little thing.

I had a talk with Betty, we talked about 100 things.. but one thing is still very clear in my mind. For the first time she asked me about the ‘mess’ in my head. She often asks me what is wrong, or other therapists do, and I always tell them its a mess in my head. I did tell her in the beginning of our treatment that I do act childish sometimes and feel childish and stuff, but today she asked what the mess looked like. I told her about Brenda. But also stated very clearly I believe it is not DID. She didn’t agree, but also didn’t disagree.
She did say it might be good to take some new dissociation tests.
I’m just scared… Brenda is too. She asked me about Abraham today, I told her he wasn’t here anymore and that we’d make it on our own. But she started crying, and so did I. I felt so alone, and that there’s no one to be strong for me. No one I can talk to, who can tell ME it’ll be alright. I have to tell her, but who will tell me? I just have to believe in myself.

I know people around me believe in me, my best friend, my sister, justeramaajarvi.

I am just really unsure about my future now there. I am in a group for emotional problems (with cptsd), there is another group for dissociation problems (with cptsd). I do see the importance of that group, but I know, and have heard, that group is with people who have DID, and the therapy is focused on having and dealing with DID, sure other people with some dissociation problems can take some tips there, but it isn’t that fitting. I’m just really scared she’ll send me off there.. or even somewhere else.

I just can’t wait any longer, so I’m going to ask her tomorrow over the phone, because I feel really scared about this. Hope she wont feel I’m needy about this now, but I just have to ask her about it. I know she might not be sure about what to do, and stuff, but I just want to hear her thoughts on it. I understand that there’s no clarity about it yet, but she must think something right?

I’m just going with my emotion right now, it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be sad. But I can’t drown in it. Just keep swimming.