The monday I have been stressing about

Hi!

Well I had very much trouble sleeping. Fell asleep about 3.30 am. But I’m glad that I had the talk om 09.00 because it went very well!
I kinda forgot the whole talk, but I do remember it went well and that she will discuss with H. about me moving to her and she was ok with it. That was for me the most important thing!

Therapy went very well!!!
I was very chatty, like in a good mood, and fully motivated for everything so I did feel good about the day 🙂 !

I do have a lot that went through my mind again, but I’ll write that in another blog post because it’s gonna be a long one about me just thinking about stuff and writing it down.

But my day went very well!

I feel excited about telling Polly about it, hihi, she’s gonna be proud 😀

xoxo
Brianna

Advertisements

Tomorrow I have to be at the principals office

Hi,

So I know I jus wrote a blog post just a minute ago. But I didn’t want to ruin that with this negativity. Because I am truly happy and thankful for the invitations I got <33

Today I had a little argument with Sander, he did make me laugh with something he knows I think is hilarious, and told me that I didn’t need to feel hurt, because he didn’t want to hurt me. Cutiepie 🙂

So yeah, tomorrow. I have to be at the principals office a.k.a Betty. I am terrified. I feel so powerless. Like there is nothing I can do. It all comes down to her. And even if not, I’d be hoping for Brandon and H. & B. & S.  to have my back, but I’m just afraid they don’t. That they think I’m annoying and don’t even like me. They’d be glad to get rid of me.

A part of me tells me that’s ridiculous. I’d be the 3rd one who wants another ‘principal’, so who’d want to switch from Betty to H. But… I know H. is really full right now, a lot of individual clients.
Plus the feeling that H. doesn’t like me.

I feel like I’m fighting a war. Here there is only me, and over there are like 100000 people, who I have to win from. Like; what’s the point? I feel like staying at home tomorrow, lying in bed all day and just waiting for my body to vanish from the world. I know I did have a friend, who’d fight for me like no one has ever done. Who’d stand up for me and just go with me to the talk with Betty and tell her what it’s all about. I feel so small.. But that friend isn’t here and it isn’t an option to stay at home tomorrow.

So I’ll go, probably have diarrhea because I’m so nervous.

Feeling small can go into different directions with me, or I’ll just cry and hide, or I’ll go all lima-heights on her ass. Lol, I’ll just curse at her. Pick at her ‘flaws’ (which aren’t even flaws (shouldn’t be at least), but because she hurts me I want to hurt her, so I’ll just say something of which I think might hurt her… I’m a bitch huh?)
I don’t even know which direction is worse right now. Feeling small and crying and hiding, makes me desperate (and hate myself for not standing up for myself). And being a bitch makes me proud for shutting her up, but hate myself for being a bitch and (possibly) hurt her.
Whenever you try to hurt me, I will hurt you even worse and so much deeper (Celine Dion – It’s all coming back to me now) I always recognized myself in that sentence, because that’s how I feel and act normally. I’m not happy with it though, but it feels like getting even.. but then I feel bad for hurting the other person :/

It’s like I know I’m standing all alone tomorrow, no back up. Just my phone to call my mum or bestie (but I know when I do that, I’ll be crying and stuff so they won’t be able to hear me, so maybe I’ll just text them instead) and let all the stuff out.

The future is never clear, but most of the times you have a plan, like for me it is staying untill may at this place, and after that I dont know yet. For other people it might be finishing college for 2 years.. or continuing my job. But right now, nothing is clear, nothing is certain for me. That is pretty normal I guess, because everything can happen, things can turn out the other way. But the insecurity I feel makes me so desperate.
Well, whatever happens, Polly will still be here (for now), so that’s a positive thing. Tuesday and Thursday = Polly. So that’ll remain.

I am so scared.
Going to try to find some distraction right now. Maybe some chatting again, or a movie.. 🙂

My mum’s cat is gone now btw! I’m gonna miss him. We did have some fun. 🙂
cutiepie

Now It’s me  + baby girl and boy again.

xoxo
Brianna

My current feelings about therapy

I feel like a disgrace , a failure. A shame for the treatment centre I’m at , I ruined their good recovery rates . And it feels like only Brandon fights for me , can get quiet. But what is a psychiatric nurse against a clinical psychologist ? Beyond that nurse me offer the stability and the psychologist drives me insane. I fear for my “future” , the treatment centre feels like my home , the place where I am understood, where I know people . I am completely myself , and that is wrong . Regarding Brandon ( the nurse ) it’s all stable , he will think I’m moving forward, opener. But the psychologist / therapist gets me down , I get in terrible crisis after talks with her , and then have the nurse ‘ need ‘ to calm me.
I know that if it were up to him , my place there until May as agreed . But who is he compared to the practitioner ?
I hope that Monday is okay , the conversation between me and my therapist , and the treatment coordinator of the department still allows me to be there. But all those little signals show me that they do not like me , she hates me , she wants me away (the treatment coordinator)
All signs indicate that I have a normal reaction to an abnormal situation . What is going so wrong with my psychologist / therapist ? And I get the idea that she’s too proud to admit that she might not be able to handle it. Nurse will always stand as a rock , no matter what storm is going through me , he’s steady always the same , always predictable . I know he does not condemn me , I know 100 % .
Regarding my therapist / psychologist , I seem to want to do everything to make her like me. So that she’ll find me nice and sweet, she thinks I’m a nice person. But most of the time she makes me so angry that I wish she did not work there and she immediately stopped and I just can go to H. ( other practitioner ) and that she likes me and it ‘ll be fine. But I feel unwanted by the ‘ importance  ‘ people. The nurse all like me I guess .. they are nice. But the therapists and the treatment coordinator .. I ‘m afraid they hate me . They don’t want me. I ‘m too awkward .
What I do not dare to admit , I do not dare say out loud, what I fear ;
I ‘m scared and almost 100 % sure that I should be away from my safe place .

And I decay in old thoughts;
“Please, do not send me away. I’ll be nice, I will not cry and be angry. I will do anything you ask of me, but please do not send me away. I will be the perfect client. Tell me how, and I’ll do it. But please …. do not ditch me ‘

 

Quote; Childhood trauma by Judith Lewis Herman

“Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom.

But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood――establishing independence and intimacy――burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships.

She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.”
― Judith Lewis HermanTrauma and Recovery