What do you want?

Hi,

The last few days I’ve been very busy and didn’t really have time for the laptop.
Been a lot of out of the house and stuff and it was actually quite good.

Also took enough time for rest. (< which I think was the key to keeping it all balanced)

Tonight is the first time I’m going to work at the new volunteers place! I am very excited and a little scared.

I was just trying to figure out what to wear, since it’s going to be in the evening, I’ll be behind the bar, making sure people get their drinks and stuff while a band is playing their music and entertaining people.
Due to selfharm scars all over my arm (from pulse to shoulder) I can not wear short sleeves, so I was planning on wearing long sleeves, but something light, so I won’t sweat easily (sweat dripping down my body > feeling my body > trigger).

Usually I wear a tanktop beneath my clothes, I guess it makes me feel save, like something is still protecting my body, beneath my clothes. Brenda especially likes it.
But since it’s probably going to be very warm in there, I thought it would be better to take it off, so I won’t sweat as easily (due to too many clothes) and I’ll just take it off right now, so my body can get used to it.

So I took it off and Brenda started whining instantly. ‘Too naked, doesn’t feel ok, want to hide, under the blankets’ etc.
I put on my shirt (to be, for the evening > without the tanktop) and Brenda practically started screaming. The feeling of the inside of the shirt against my body and it was all just so disgusting, at this point I can’t even distinguish my thoughts from her. So I took it off and put my tanktop back on and went to the livingroom.

And right now I’m typing this.

What do you want Brenda?

If we keep the tanktop on, it’s gonna be hot! And we’re gonna sweat. Let’s be honest, you’ll get whiney about that.
If we take it off. We won’t sweat (as easily) but you’ll whine straight from the beginning.

So I guess the choice is easy, I’ll just keep it on.
Kinda bummed right now. Because a simple thing like ‘taking a tanktop off’ is too much to handle.

But ok, she’s fine now.

xoxo
Brianna

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Trust (therapy)

Hi,

Had dinner, calmed down (as far as I am able to) and I do really want to write this down.

Briefly about myself right now;
I’m not stable. I’m as stable as it gets while being unstable (if you know what I mean..). I just gotta balance on this cord I’m walking on and do the best I can. Right now I’m full aware of where I am and who I am. That’s a big improvement. The only point is, you never know for how long. I decided to write this little thing down anyway, because it’s not about the whole sexuality thing and because it gave me a little insight on myself.

A child learns to trust in others, because of the parents of which it is dependent on, are reliable in their way of acting and in the child. Which makes the child trust/have faith in the parents as well as in him/herself.
Further to this, the child learns to deal with emotions and learns to endure frustrations (delaying own needs). Enduring frustrations is a lesson the child will only learn if it’s been given the assurance that it’ll all be okay and therefore there’s enough trust.

This was a real smack in the face.
I know I can not endure frustrations. But maybe that’s because I never have faith.. faith that it’ll be okay in the end.

Looking at myself… and being honest, I know when I want something or need something, I want it directly and immediately. I know I can ball like a baby, stamp my feet like a child. Sit on the ground. Hang myself around someone’s leg. Not really knowing how to explain myself, but I could explain what tendency is.
I have to find the trust in myself to know it’ll be okay, like raise myself or something like that.

It’s just weird to have a small sentence like that make sense to so much situations. Like ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…………………….’

If I would explain myself right now, in words. I’d be something like this (and very Brenda like, so excuse me for that);
Help me, please. Hold me, because I am broken and it hurts. I am lonely and that hurts too. It’s cold. You are warm and I want it too. Please just hold me, you don’t even need to talk to me, just hold me and let me be. See me. It’s empty inside. Hollow. I need you.

But let’s be honest, I could never say that to someone.

xoxo
Brianna

My worst enemy; CPTSD a.k.a myself?

“They told me to kill the monster.. little did they know, the monster lived inside me”

Hi,

If it’s ok with Katherine Doe, I’d like to quote something she said in a comment on the blog post “Adult acting like a child”.

“if I do not get the treatment I need every day, my condition could be, will be, fatal. CPTSD is a life-threatening condition.
CPTSD is often fatal- I mean suicide, of course. That’s why I like the word “survivor” so much,,. we survive the trauma, and then we must survive each day with CPTSD which is always trying to kill us.”

This is só true. It’s been going through my mind, with the quote I wrote above. (Which isn’t mine either! I found it on the internet once, anonymous)

Just thinking about my life, and not the whole part, just the present. Today and the rest of the week. I can’t even look further than that. I am already worried about this week. How the hell am I gonna survive this week? It’s a constant battle against the ‘monster inside me’/’the monster that has been awakened by the trauma’. It’s exhausting. Just thinking about this week and the worries that come with it. (Looking at last week for example, man I had SUCH bad moments. I thought it’d be fatal. And I got out, I don’t even know how! ‘Just’ enduring I think, but that is damn hard. Everything inside me feels like torture. Too much painful emotions (scared/anger/sad/agony). Which has a normal reaction to want to stop it.. And to be honest, how better than to kill yourself? I do want to say clearly; I really don’t think anyone should kill themselves! But I think it’s very logical that you might have the thoughts. Thinking of this week, and not even the rest of the year! (don’t even get me started on the month December!  😐 )This week, feels so hopeless. The excruciating feelings that come with the trigger/mood swings/flashbacks. ITS TOO MUCH. And then again the part of feeling all alone in this. No one to sit next to me and hold my hand.

Isn’t it extremely logical to think about killing yourself? I am not suicidal, but I have suicidal thoughts. Just not the desire to take action. But I am afraid, that in the moment of crisis, I will take action. Since I can not think clearly and have no one near me to wake me up or remind me.

Well I guess a good thing is to remember I got through the moments. I got through the feelings. I’m still here, I’m breathing, my heart is beating. I’m typing this. I am okay now. I will get through this week. I will. And after that, I’ll get through the next one. I AM strong enough. I survived the trauma, I will survive the aftermath.

What to do? I don’t even know. I’d suggest finding help from a professional, and find yourself some distraction. That’s where my knowledge ends. But I guess my faith remains, faith in me, faith in you, faith in recovery. I don’t care how small the flame is.. as long as it’s burning, I’ll be fighting. (Lol, if someone would tell me that in a crisis I’d probably yell at that person :/ ‘shut up, that’s stupid, this can’t be survived, my life is ruined forever. I must kill myself’ and just thoughts and stuff like that come out. But please hang on.. don’t give up on me.. or on others. Now I am more clear than when I’d be in a crisis (overwhelmed with the horrible feelings), so I guess what I say now, makes more sense than what I’d say then.

I don’t really know where I want to go with this blog post. I guess just explaining how much truth there was in those words Katherine said.

It’s 1 am here, and I am tired. That’s a good sign. Hope I’ll be asleep before 4 (and if I’m lucky maybe even 3) am this time!

xoxo
Brianna

Loneliness

Hello,

I guess I’ll just mix lyrics here, quotes and me talking. It might be a bit confusing. Basically it means; I’m lonely.

I wish there was a store where I could go get some friends. I’ve lived in this town for 4 years and I do not have one friend here. It took 3,5 years to find Abraham, and yep, he ran away. I had some silly school friends (2) but that never felt ok. So when I quit school, they quit me, haha. I AM LONELY. Everybody is happy about the weekend, and me? Nope, just 3 days of doing nothing, eating out of my nose, and seeing nothing but these stupid walls. Am I not worthy of friendship? Whenever someone lives close and I am able to see them more often, they get fed up with me.
People always leave, cause I am never good enough
On Facebook for instance, did you know, when I have a like or comment, its most likely from my mother?

Run your fingers through my soul. Feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine & for once, just once.. understand.

The people who I can contact, are mostly the people who want something. By something I mean something sexual (and of course not respecting my boundaries). I refuse to go with that just to have someone around! I deserve a normal friendship!

I’m alright, I’m okay.. it only hurts when I breathe.

I can not seem to reach you, although your so close now. 

Everytime I think of you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.

I feel really stupid and like a failure, don’t tell me I’m not, because i am the one with no friends. It’s like I’m toxic, whenever you’re too close to me for too long, you have to run away or you’ll get it too.

I HAD this friend, (the one who pushed me toward Betty once, remember?), but he has autism and a low IQ, nothing wrong with that. But we do conflict a lot. I just can’t anymore. I feel like he’s manipulating me sometimes, but he doesn’t understand what he’s doing. I guess he can’t, but… sigh… it takes so much energy. Correcting him. And when I feel bad or something like that, he’ll never be reasonable.
When he pushed me towards Betty, It didn’t matter at that time though, it was because I was planning to commit suicide, but he didn’t want me to, because I was the only one he still had. He’d be alone after that. It was ok for me to commit since I’ve tried so much therapy yet and stuff, but just wait till he finds someone else….. (Well then it didn’t bother me, but now I’m like; SERIOUSLY?)  I guess he’s a little selfish, but I’m sick of sticking up with it. I know he can’t help it, but I just can’t be the bigger person all the time, I don’t even want to, to be honest. Not constantly. Because there’s no sympathy for me in return when I feel bad… I know I’m maybe selfish as well.. maybe that’s why everyone leaves?

I know it takes time to make friends, I really do. So if I magically meet someone tomorrow, maybe by a year he/she and I would be good friends. HELLO, I CANT WAIT A YEAR! Plus the question always comes up ‘what do you do?’ yeah, I’m in therapy. So there goes chance number 1 to run off. If they aren’t already repelled by me.
I’m also the kind that rushes into stuff. Someone is either the best, or the worst.

It hurts me more than you know & so much more than it shows

I may have made it rain.. please forgive me.
My weakness caused you pain & this song is my sorry.

I never meant to start a war.
All I wanted was you to let me in.
All you ever did was wreck me.

don’t get me wrong, I am truly blessed for my best friend. She is the bestest friend I could wish for. I can contact her anytime I want, 24/7, I know she’ll be there for me. ❤
But…. (I feel guilty for saying but 😦 ) I do feel I need to have social interaction face-to-face, not just over the phone. It’s just different. However, I know I can lean on her, even if it’s over the phone and I am very glad for that!

What can you do, when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down.

My best intentions keep making a mess of things.
I just want to fix it somehow..
But how many times will it take? How many times will it take for me..
To get it right.

I’m looking for love, in the heart of every (wo)man,

Why am I not good enough? Why am I ‘too complicated’? Dont I deserve friendship and love? Am I so hideous? Why can’t I just act normal? Please let me act normal, let me be normal, let me be one of them.

Please..

xoxo
Brianna