I was feeling lonely, feeling blue..

Hi everyone,

This is going to be a short one as well.
Just wanted to write about that I’m doing better now. I am ashamed of my behaviour 😦 I really am.. I’m so sorry for the people who got hurt by it.
Had therapy today, which was intense but good. Saw Betty very quick, and she gave me feedback on my evaluation from a few weeks ago, and said ‘this is old stuff, I do feel like we’re more on the same page now’. So I’m glad about that.
I went with what I needed for now, which is my security blanket :$ +  a normal blanket. I feel ok with it 🙂
Tomorrow I have to be at 9.50 AM at the doctors for my uterus, which is scary but I’m strong enough and I have a voice so I can speak up. if I don’t feel right with her looking, I don’t have to let her. She wont be able to see anything anyway.
I can do this 🙂 !

xoxo
Brianna

Ps. My own doctor is a male, but I spoke with the assistant and she said I should go to the female. The assistant is very nice and sweet, she is very supportive and isn’t judgemental about all the times I’ve come because of self harm. So I decided to go, with her advice, to the female doctor.

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So, there’s this hole..

Hi..

 

I am a little ashamed of myself, but ok…

 

So there’s this hole, I’ve been lying in it for the past few hours. I do think I’ve climbed out now, because the amount of self-pity was just too high, a little disgusting.
I guess I’ve climbed out of it, but now I’m just lying on the ground, like wheezy from the climb. I do still feel sad, like crying, and alone.. Kinda thinking like ‘Let me just lay here for now, I’ll find the strength tomorrow to stand up. But for now I’m tired! But does that mean I’m still in the hole?

I’m just angry at people for leaving me. It seems like I’m never good enough, I’m too much of a burden. I know I don’t need the people, and it’s just when everyone was at a normal distance, like 4 days ago. Its ok. I’m not expecting to much of anyone and I know it’s just me & when I need it, there’ll be the people from therapy. But that stupid friend kept coming closer, and I WARNED HIM. Stay at a save distance, It’s scary to come to close. But no he was all like ‘i can handle it’ blalbalbalblalbalblalablla. So when he saw me last night, being the mess I am/was, he ran. Yeah, can’t blame you, must be scary seeing me as a mess for the first time. But uhh.. I WARNED YOU. I told him today and he said ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it would scare me so much and I didn’t mean to run, I just got frightend’blablalbla ‘Please, this can’t ruin our friendship, you’re the best person in my life’BLABLLBALLAB I never learn, do I ? 😮 how retarded must I be, to keep letting people in? I’m literally asking for the pain. It not that I didn’t know anything about him, I was just stupid enough to believe him, even though I should have trusted on my first instinct. (Nothing major/triggering happened though, just the fact that he left after I broke down) Jesus Christ, I think the average intelligence in my house has dropped below zero. Well lets just see this as a lesson T_T … grr feel like kicking and screaming against that stupid lesson, not fair, not fair, not fair! But there’s not much I can do, but learn, accept and move on. 

I’m not suicidal anymore so, that must mean I’m out the hole right? I’m just exhausted. Its 9.30 pm here and I’m going to bed. I deserve a good nights rest! Specially since I have therapy tomorrow.

 

xoxo
Brianna

Ps. Miss Stability? I’d like to see you back soon, I miss you!

Competing with the ‘She Wolf’

But I can’t compete with the she-wolf who has brought me to my knees, what do you see in those yellow eyes? Cause I’m falling to pieces.

Hi everyone,

It’s weird writing a blog in this state of mind. I maybe thought I was able to work through this, while I’m feeling like this. Write down my thoughts and stuff.
Obviously I’m not feeling well. Triggered by something, I really have no clue what. A little disappointed in myself (which is ridiculous of course, it goes with ups and downs). I used the lyrics from the song ‘She wolf’ because I do feel like that sometimes. I don’t know what David Guetta meant with the lyrics, it’s just how I read them.

I do feel like two persons. The stable Brianna (Miss Stability) and Old Brianna, who functions as a she-wolf I guess. Anyway, she drags me down. She gets triggered. I just can’t compete with her, I don’t feel strong enough to resist her when she’s dragging me. (Maybe stable = head and old Brianna = body/feelings?)
I really don’t understand what the problem is, nothing major happened since my last blogpost, of course, I can think of a few things. But it might as well been something that I randomly thought and triggered me. It’s confusing for me to feel triggered, not knowing what it was (so that I could maybe ‘take it away’ for a while (like a comment on my Facebook). I’m glad I’m alone now, trying to avoid my phone, because I don’t want to snap out at anyone, but for people around me it’s difficult to see me get triggered or just have a mood swing. Well actually both. I refer to it as a trigger right now, because I do feel like I need to protect myself from something. It’s not even here. I’m trying to cover up myself with clothes and blankets, which is pointless (well 1 blanket is ok, but not 3/4) because it’s ON ME, the blanket can’t come between. With a moodswing.. I’m not entirely able to think clearly now, but I guess with a moodswing I get sad/angry for no ‘real’ reason and I dont experience flasback-y symptoms.
Well, I’ve been told not to fight, but endure, let it be, and it’ll go away. So I’m going to put on some music on YouTube.
I feel powerless against this ‘force’ that is touching me. I can’t do anything about it. Except reminding myself it’s not happening right now (BUT I FEEL IT RIGHT NOW!), keep breathing, try to keep my breathing through my tummy, not my chest. (Oh I do remember, I got uterus pain like an hour ago, maybe that triggered me.. (it went away though)
I can’t smoke, because the nicotine makes you more alert (or something like that?) which will just worsen the flashbacks.. at least so I have been told.
Breathe
Breathe
Breathe
Just browsing on YouTube for video’s. I like the channel of Kurt Hugo Schneider, he’s a singer and makes this video’s of other unpopular but very good singers who cover songs. I really enjoy it, because I never heard a bad cover.
So I’m just writing here, as good as I can. Thousand things are going through my mind though, can’t really keep track with them.

I do feel a stop now. It’s too much. I just can’t write a long while I’m feeling like this. Gonna calm down, get myself together, pick up the pieces and just keep moving.

I’ll be fine though, maybe I’m crawling through the mud now, but I know I can stand up.
I wont give up on me (or on us)!

Now I’m stronger than yesterday!

 

xoxo
Brianna

Speaking up!

Hi everyone,

I just want to share a short moment with you, of which I am proud of myself.

I was taking a trip down memory lane with an old classmate who I’m ‘friends’ with, we don’t talk anymore, just about memories and stuff from highschool. It was really funny, and laughing.  (On Facebook) and then suddenly she wrote something about a teacher, who I had been annoying to. Well, of course, laughing girls from 13/14, giggling about everything, whispering & stuff. However, he did touch me once, I wont go into detail. I believe I did tell that friend later on, but I guess she forgot, or didn’t know that it still bothers me, which is understandable, it’s been years ago.

However, seeing his name there on Facebook, I felt really confronted with it, I became angry again, not just him but for instance my school, I told my mentor, she never did anything. My mum, and she of course didn’t do anything as well. And just how he ruined the rest of the time for me on that school, always afraid of him being there and seeing me, and whenever I saw him, I got the creepiest look ever, it even gives me shivers right now.

So I noticed I was getting angry and upset over a comment on my Facebook page. Then I knew, this doesn’t feel right, I’m gonna do something about it. So I asked that friend in a chat (private) if she was ok with me removing that specific comment because I could feel it was making me angry, I did laugh it off ‘oh that comment makes me want to slap him hahahah’, and so did she saying ‘of course hahaha’, I’m glad she was okay with it. So I did remove the comment and it feels a bit better now. I do realize I made the situation smaller than it is, by laughing about it with her, but at least I got what I needed for now; removing the comment. not seeing it every time I open my Facebook page.

So yeah, I’m proud of myself. It didn’t feel right, i felt that, acknowledged it, and respected myself by taking care of it. Because I do deserve that. (Right?… I’m doubting now 😦 but I wont let myself! I DO deserve it!)

So, my baby step into speaking up 🙂 ! Taking care of myself. Respecting my own boundaries.
xoxo
Brianna

A little confused

Hello,

Well not to be arrogant or something like that, but I really thought I was doing well lately, I still do.
However, tonight I fell hard. I guess somewhere I must have denied the thought of me having (c)ptsd and that it might all be over since I’m doing so well.

I have thought about EMDR and I didn’t want to do that anymore, I was doing soooo good, haha.
The thoughts about me blaming my mum so much and not my dad has puzzled me as well. I figured out when I think of my dad, all I feel is fear. Kinda makes me think he still has control over me. When I think about my mum, I get angry or feel sorry for her (either way, I do love her). But I was like ‘ohhhh that ok, we can leave it like that’.

All stuff like that, well tonight I had a trigger (i didn’t know it was a trigger, of course I knew it might be, but I thought I somehow got passed it (magically 😉 ). Just when I noticed it didn’t feel ok, I stopped and then I felt flabbergasted, like ‘what did just happen?’ and I must have looked around for 10 seconds like that and then I just started crying. It all came out, With flashes going through my head. Instantly I thought ‘ABRAHAM!’, everything in me wanted to call him and just have him hug me and comfort me.  Of course directly after thinking ‘Abraham’, I knew, he’s not there anymore. So that made me cry even harder.
I do feel like I’ve fallen down, though I’m standing up right now. I feel confused, ‘what did just happen?’ And sort of bummed, it feels like ptsd slapped me in the face, like ‘Hi bitch, I’m still here!!!!’ So I do feel like I’m walking again, slowly but I’m walking and trying to figure out what happened. I don’t feel sad about it to be honest… Maybe I pushed the feeling away?

By the way, I did email Abraham Wednesday (I think), he never answered, though he still is my friend on Facebook. I’m confused by it, but I’m okay with it. Now I know I did try to reach out to him, he didn’t respond, which is (to be honest) a little disappointing, but now I know what I’m in for. I would love to talk to him, but I know I can manage just fine without. I also feel like that is an improvement, because contact with him would be something extra and not necessary, just a welcome extra. Well its too bad it’s not there, but no biggie.
(For the record, I send an email asking how he was doing, nothing about myself, so I don’t feel like I could’ve pressured him)

Well, gonna sleep soon. Decide which movie I’m gonna watch in bed and just relax 🙂 !

xoxo
Brianna

Password on a blogpost

Hi everyone,

Although I do strive to be as open as possible. I do want to protect my own boundaries when something doesn’t feel right (yet).
I do have a blog post with very painful information, and just thoughts about somethings. I do want to share it, but it feels too open, to just be here, and for everyone to google and come here. Although I feel embarrassed about it, if someone else would write this, I’d tell her that there is absolutely NO need to be embarrassed about it at all! So I guess I should tell myself that aswell.
So I thought of how to put it here, without it being so open.
There is an option to post something on your blog that is password protected. I’m going to use that. Everyone is free to read it, I’ll put the password in the comment below.
However, its VERY difficult for me, but I want to be open. It’s also very painful and embarrassing, because I do still feel ashamed about everything. Although, that might not be necessary.

I’ll tell you here about the blog post called “Is there any connection between abuse and ‘uterus-problems’?”. It IS triggering. I wont go into detail about the abuse, but I will about the effects and how it made me feel. Which also means, I’ll talk about my periods and how I deal with them. So to some guys/man/girls/women it might be too much or maybe too triggering.
I’ll warn above the post again. But I wanted to put it here aswell.

Think about yourself and if you are able to handle reading it right now. There’s no shame in just skipping it (for now).

xoxo
Brianna

Fighting through

I read about Project Unbreakable earlier this week, saw it on Facebook a couple of times today.
It reminded me of a poem I wrote last month (never even heard of Project Unbreakable back then), but I thought it was ‘funny’ how I used the word ‘unbreakable’ in it, which I know see, relates to the project.

About the project; http://project-unbreakable.org/
It’s about sexual assault, so it can be triggering! 

This poem is triggering!

I lay in bed
Trying to calm down
it’s so dark outside
I feel like I’m about to drown

I hear her crying in my head
Trying to control it all
her despair.. the dark.. the memories
Sooner or later, i’ll fall

I feel like im numb
Yet i feel everything i ever felt
I’m losing the contact
Where is my life belt

Sitting on the couch
Seeing that brown leg
Covered in black hair
Maybe I should beg

I know whats coming
I don’t know what to do
See those dark blue boxers
Why cant i break through

My mind shuts down
What I’m so thankful for
i know now I’ll be able
To handle a little bit more

I’m just here to do my job
Then I can go back to bed
I probably wont sleep
But hopefully drop dead

I gasp for air
& look around
There’s my cat
Lying on the ground

She is still crying
Cause i know she doesn’t feel save
My crazy mind just proved to her
It doesn’t help to be brave

My body is shocking
I feel like such a fool
It must have been 15 years ago
life can be so cruel

I’m gonna hold on though
Not gonna let him win
Wont ever try
To commit the deadly sin

I know I am strong enough
one day I’ll break through
Look at the world and say;
I’m unbreakable, thank you!

26-08-2013

It’s a bumpy road sometimes

Hello,

I want to be a positive blog, but then I thought, positivity is about honesty right?
So to be honest; I’m not feeling that well right now. Just since an hour or so.

Its ok, I’m still stable. It’s just that I’m feeling sad. Feel like cutting I wont though, it won’t help. Well maybe now, but not tomorrow. The best thing to do is to go through this in a healthy way.
Back to the honesty thing, I do think it’s okay for me to feel like this right now. It’s not bad, it’s not wrong, it’s understandable and okay. I know I’ll get back on my feet again, maybe even tomorrow, and if not, the day is full of chances to stand back up again. But its important for me now to see my pain, understand the pain, give it the attention it needs, but not to drown in it. I will be fine, I know I will.
It was about honesty right? So yeah, I’m honest, and I think its positive because life is full op ups and downs, and I guess while you’re dealing with (c)ptsd the downs can feel/be a lot deeper, but i/we will get through those as well.

Should I type more? I don’t know.. I feel like it, but I don’t want to go in to deep, might trigger me. Or am I avoiding stuff like that?
I’ll give it a try. I’m not having any images, but I feel a lot. I don’t feel someone touching me, but I feel the effect of someone touching me. What the hell is that? A flashback? I don’t even know if there’s a name for this. In Dutch they have two words; flashback (same as in English) and ‘herbeleving’, google translates it as ‘reliving’. I don’t think its ‘reliving’ because I can see my environment, I am typing this, and it is 2013. But my feelings don’t match. It’s not a flash of feelings, its constant.
Well it doesn’t matter what it’s called, I know it will go over.

I’m already in bed now. Trying to create a save place for myself.
Feel like crying, maybe I should.

It will be okay though, I know it will. Just having a little bump in the road. No worries, I know how to lift my feet the right way. (& even if I didn’t, or you didn’t, its ok, you can stand up and try to move forward again.)

xoxo
Brianna

 

The children of the sun

Hi,

This song always makes me think its about abused children.

We’re coming from far
Over oceans of time
We’re coming from places we once left behind
We’re looking for love
In the heart of every man
We’re looking for reasons we’ll all understand

Chorus
We are (we are)
In need (in need)
We want (we want)
A place for everyone
We shine (we shine)
Through love (through love)
We are (we are)
The children of the sun

We follow our dreams
We’ll never stop
We follow our hopes
And we’ll never give up
Until we have found
The warmth of the sun
Untill we are born

Chorus
We are
In need
We want
A place for everyone
We shine
Through love
We are
For ever on the run

We are
In need
We want
A place for everyone
We shine
Through love
We are
The children of the sun

We’re coming from far
Over oceans of time
We’re coming from places we once left behind
We’re looking for love
In the heart of every man
We’re looking for reasons we’ll all understand

We follow our dreams
We’ll never stop
We follow our hopes
And we never give up
Until we have found
The warmth of the sun
Untill we are born

The children of The sun

(We shine Through love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8f5PV5c86Uk

Am I the only one?
I do feel something beautiful can come out of this song. Awareness.. understanding.
Not just for the kids who are being abused right now but for the survivors as well. Could be someone who has just turned 18 and is struggling to deal with everything. But just was well someone who is 53 and is dealing/struggling with what happened.

Might be triggering!

I’m going to be honest, some are so damaged, and have none to little help, and they wont follow their dreams, they don’t believe in dreams.
When I was 13, I had a ‘dream’. I guess it was a dream. My dad always made sure I knew the importance of money. So I wanted to become a porn star. If it was up to me, I would have been when I was 13, but you had to be 18. So I thought; ‘ok, I’m going to be a porn star, I know how to do everything, I know how to get through it + I will make a lot of money’. Then I found out porn stars (the woman at least) have to be pretty. So that went out of the window. But then I thought of a whore. Yep, I wanted to be a whore, they earn a lot as well and don’t have to be pretty. So I thought I was able to pull that of. Doing the only thing I can do right, at least a little, pleasing a man.
I truly believed, 100%, that was my future job. The only thing I would be able to do. So yeah, it was my dream.
Nobody told me I had other options, to me there were no other options.
Looking back on that now, I think it’s a little sad. I truly believed, I was born for other mans pleasure’s. I am a person, but I don’t have rights, I have to please, I have to obey and be thankful that I can do that at least. No feelings whatsoever, that’s my job, that’s why I was born, that’s my mission in life.

I do think its weird a 13-year-old can think like that. It’s not okay to think like that. There’s nothing wrong with being a whore or a porn star, but it is, when you would be doing it for the same reasons I would have.
We have to help the children, or the adults who still believe like that. Because it is NOT true. EVERYONE has the right to exist, everyone has the right to say NO when it does not feel right, no matter who is crossing your boundaries. Everyone is a person, everyone has feelings and it is okay to express those feelings. Because you are worthy of that. You deserve to be happy and to be loved for the right reasons. You aren’t an object or someone’s possession. You are in control of yourself, don’t let anyone else control you/your life.

We will follow our hopes, and never give up.

I believe in all of you. I wont give up on us.

xoxo
Brianna