So, there’s this hole..

Hi..

 

I am a little ashamed of myself, but ok…

 

So there’s this hole, I’ve been lying in it for the past few hours. I do think I’ve climbed out now, because the amount of self-pity was just too high, a little disgusting.
I guess I’ve climbed out of it, but now I’m just lying on the ground, like wheezy from the climb. I do still feel sad, like crying, and alone.. Kinda thinking like ‘Let me just lay here for now, I’ll find the strength tomorrow to stand up. But for now I’m tired! But does that mean I’m still in the hole?

I’m just angry at people for leaving me. It seems like I’m never good enough, I’m too much of a burden. I know I don’t need the people, and it’s just when everyone was at a normal distance, like 4 days ago. Its ok. I’m not expecting to much of anyone and I know it’s just me & when I need it, there’ll be the people from therapy. But that stupid friend kept coming closer, and I WARNED HIM. Stay at a save distance, It’s scary to come to close. But no he was all like ‘i can handle it’ blalbalbalblalbalblalablla. So when he saw me last night, being the mess I am/was, he ran. Yeah, can’t blame you, must be scary seeing me as a mess for the first time. But uhh.. I WARNED YOU. I told him today and he said ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it would scare me so much and I didn’t mean to run, I just got frightend’blablalbla ‘Please, this can’t ruin our friendship, you’re the best person in my life’BLABLLBALLAB I never learn, do I ? 😮 how retarded must I be, to keep letting people in? I’m literally asking for the pain. It not that I didn’t know anything about him, I was just stupid enough to believe him, even though I should have trusted on my first instinct. (Nothing major/triggering happened though, just the fact that he left after I broke down) Jesus Christ, I think the average intelligence in my house has dropped below zero. Well lets just see this as a lesson T_T … grr feel like kicking and screaming against that stupid lesson, not fair, not fair, not fair! But there’s not much I can do, but learn, accept and move on. 

I’m not suicidal anymore so, that must mean I’m out the hole right? I’m just exhausted. Its 9.30 pm here and I’m going to bed. I deserve a good nights rest! Specially since I have therapy tomorrow.

 

xoxo
Brianna

Ps. Miss Stability? I’d like to see you back soon, I miss you!

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5 thoughts on “So, there’s this hole..

  1. This totally makes sense, and you are out of the hole from what I can tell from this post. I went through the whole ‘you can tell me; I will always be there for you; nothing you can tell me will change the way I feel about you; etc.’ Now I just keep to myself, and there are very, very, few people who really know anything about me. Even my mum doesn’t know some of the biggest life issues I have, and I am living with her. I don’t trust boyfriends, and girlfriends are not there for too long for me to trust them. I am sure if some of the people who have known me for so long got together, they may be able to piece together who I am, but they are too far apart and don’t talk to each other now, so I have no fear.
    Most people cannot handle people with deep issues or really diverse ways of thinking. They want things simple, clean, no fuss no muss. We are not that way, and we shall not change or dampen who we are for the sole purpose of having simple people in our lives. I don’t know if any of what I have written has helped, but I offer my heart to you.
    I just don’t put my expectations of others too high anymore: people are going to be non-understanding, and they really don’t want to know the dirty truth about what life is for a lot of us. I try to accept them as they are, love them, but it takes a lot for me to even hint at any of my past.
    You are out of the hole, just rest and think of tomorrow.
    Peace

    • Thanks! It did help. You are right too. It makes me a little sad that (whats true) most people dont want fuss and stuff, but life is full of that. Im just struggling with it right now.
      Thanks for sharing 🙂
      Take care

  2. I know the hole… I know of trying to trust someone with you at a time when you are struggling and I have learned many/most aren’t equipped with the tools to handle it. Scary but most have no clue who we are and what we have been thru.

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