I am a little ashamed of myself, but ok…
So there’s this hole, I’ve been lying in it for the past few hours. I do think I’ve climbed out now, because the amount of self-pity was just too high, a little disgusting.
I guess I’ve climbed out of it, but now I’m just lying on the ground, like wheezy from the climb. I do still feel sad, like crying, and alone.. Kinda thinking like ‘Let me just lay here for now, I’ll find the strength tomorrow to stand up. But for now I’m tired! But does that mean I’m still in the hole?
I’m just angry at people for leaving me. It seems like I’m never good enough, I’m too much of a burden. I know I don’t need the people, and it’s just when everyone was at a normal distance, like 4 days ago. Its ok. I’m not expecting to much of anyone and I know it’s just me & when I need it, there’ll be the people from therapy. But that stupid friend kept coming closer, and I WARNED HIM. Stay at a save distance, It’s scary to come to close. But no he was all like ‘i can handle it’ blalbalbalblalbalblalablla. So when he saw me last night, being the mess I am/was, he ran. Yeah, can’t blame you, must be scary seeing me as a mess for the first time. But uhh.. I WARNED YOU. I told him today and he said ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it would scare me so much and I didn’t mean to run, I just got frightend’blablalbla ‘Please, this can’t ruin our friendship, you’re the best person in my life’BLABLLBALLAB I never learn, do I ? 😮 how retarded must I be, to keep letting people in? I’m literally asking for the pain. It not that I didn’t know anything about him, I was just stupid enough to believe him, even though I should have trusted on my first instinct. (Nothing major/triggering happened though, just the fact that he left after I broke down) Jesus Christ, I think the average intelligence in my house has dropped below zero. Well lets just see this as a lesson T_T … grr feel like kicking and screaming against that stupid lesson, not fair, not fair, not fair! But there’s not much I can do, but learn, accept and move on.
I’m not suicidal anymore so, that must mean I’m out the hole right? I’m just exhausted. Its 9.30 pm here and I’m going to bed. I deserve a good nights rest! Specially since I have therapy tomorrow.
Ps. Miss Stability? I’d like to see you back soon, I miss you!