:)

Hi,

What a rollercoaster day.

Right now I’m doing pretty okay actually. I thought of something, and wanted to share it with you guys.
I’m going to bed right now.. and I figured.. I’m going to bed with a smile. Not just any smile. A smile someone gave me, with just being who he is. Also for giving me the lift up to work through, the faith, the strength, the courage and so much more.

By-the-way-Im-wearing-the-smile-you-gave-me

Are you guys wearing any smiles? ❀

xoxo
Brianna

2013 in a blog post

Might contain TRIGGERS

Hi,

So, 2013 in a blog post, this is gonna be nice one πŸ˜›

Well.. 2013 has been one heck of a year. Well I guess I say that every time, and every year it seems to surprise me what a chaotic life I have, which is weird, because it never has been different yet it keeps surprising me as if I expect different.
Anyway, it started real scary. I just moved to my own place. For the first time, living on my own. It was hard, finally a place of my own, now what? I started falling down hard, after a suicide attempt in february I didn’t really knew what to do with my life and just crawled back into my own fantasy world, which I used to do when I lived at home. I must have spent a few months there.. it was ok. After a while, I was ready to try back out again, and I started making contact with people. Mostly guys, let’s be honest xD. Went through the whole mick-mack with the heart-drama. Somewhere around May (?) I met Abraham, which I never saw coming and he gave me something I never thought I’d ever get, or I ever even wished or dreamed of, because I didn’t even know of its existence. Somewhere around July I started talking to Sander again I think, and Randy came… and went πŸ˜› man oh man, xD what a guy drama.

Mentally… what a rollercoaster. February was a big down for me. While Abraham was in my life I had a huge down (stopped with 2 medication type’s (Anti psychotic and anti depressant) which made all my emotions come back up, down i went, and well, a lot of downs since then. I guess only 1 really big one. So maybe just 3 this year.
But it feels like I’ve wandered around the edge of life numerous times, being tempted to jump and just forget the world. In february I tried, second time, Abraham pulled me away. Third time.. I pulled myself away.. wow.. I just realized that now.

2013 was the year I broke contact with my dad. The year I told my mum, straight to her face, why I have CPTSD. My mum told my sister behind my back (Which was a little disappointing, but ok)
I celebrated Christmas with my best friend.
I met Justy on Β Wordpress.
I started my blog here. Felt less alone by reading other people’s blog and their journey’s through life with their struggle’s.
The year I dated like crazy. But to be honest, the year I dates like crazy, but which made me realize, maybe I’m not ugly… because some guys I dated were.. well.. they’re were just plain hot πŸ˜› so it did give me a little boost πŸ˜‰
I got of to a great start with Polly, I trust her and I know how to be open with her and discuss things with her.
I learned a lot about (c)PTSD and myself and everything that comes with.

I’ve been down on the floor, crying like crazy, screaming my lungs out, but in the end I did get up.
I had stood on my balcony ready to jump off, ready to leave this world, but yet here I am writing this! ok.. this is freaking me out, I could’ve been dead by now.. Damn, glad I’m not actually. Otherwise I never would’ve known about Christmas with Bestie.. and how happy I have felt sometimes. So happy that I felt it was too much, happy-ness overdose.

Anyway, 2013, you have been a………. weird, amazing, depressing, loving, interesting year. Thank you.

xoxo
Brianna

My babies!

Hi!

I do want to ‘end’ this week with something positive.
I have read the comments, but I’ll respond to them tomorrow πŸ™‚ but I do want to say; thanks for commenting!
This blog post has nothing to do with ptsd btw but its part of my daily life!

Well sometimes I talk about my cats, which are my babies πŸ˜›
I have 2. They are brother and sister and I’ll start with the brother.

I wont state his name here since its a pretty rare name however, I do want to show you guys a picture of him. He’s so pretty ❀ haha but I am prejudiced.
bbboy

He’s really sweet but a real cat. He can be very arrogant and demanding. This summer he had a thing with my Birkenstocks (sandal) and he demanded to sleep with it. Whenever I forgot to lay it next to my bed on the ground (I put them on my wardrobe because his sister licks the sweat out xD ) he’ll just wake me up to so I’ll put it on the ground. I have a short video of him with the Birkenstocks, how he is putting it into place to sleep xD
He’s a real pussy, scared of everything. His motor skills aren’t very good. He has trouble doing things normal cats are able to do (like his sister). But that makes him even more adorable to me πŸ˜› (But I feel bad because people always laugh at him for it. :/ I know it’s me being too sensitive but I dont like it. He can’t help it.)
He is very picky about his food, well he eats a lot, so I really have to keep track of how much he is getting, otherwise he’ll just get too fat. He’ll eat his sisters food as well. But he wants nothing to do with food that doesn’t look like food (to him). For instance little cat treats that are kinda meat-y.

He is so sweet when I’m feeling bad. He’ll just come to me and lie on me or next to me. When I’m feeling ok he’s usually sleeping somewhere (always in the same room as I am though!).

He can look really bitchy sometimes as well. Often towards my mum, she often says if looks could kill, she’d be dead.
About the demanding part, I have taught him some things are just not acceptable. When he slept (as a kitten) he’d get angry for us talking while he was trying to sleep (he was in the livingroom while he just could’ve gone to my bedroom and sleep there) So he just has to accept that people talk around him, and if he doesn’t like it, he can go sleep in my bedroom (Which is always open to him and his sister) He’s ok with people talking now, but not other weird sounds.. like clicking a pen, then he’ll get cranky πŸ˜‰

Anyway, he’s the sweetest ever. And I love him! πŸ™‚

His sister;
bbygirl

Is actually quite the opposite of him. She’s small and skinny while he’s big and chubby. She eats EVERYTHING, haha, even though she’ll get diarrhea. Quite annoying πŸ˜‰
She is like a dog sometimes, she’ll follow me around everywhere. I can’t go to the toilet without her. She’ll miauw and scratch the door to get in. So right now (when I’m home alone!) I’ll just go to the toilet with the door open, haha. But she’s not allowed to come in. She’ll start licking me and stuff and then I can’t concentrate πŸ˜›

She is so sweet aswell. But very lick-y, she just licks everything that is possible. And her tongue (cat’s tongue’s in general) are very raw. So when she keeps on licking the same spot, It’ll hurt eventually. I get more frustrated with her sometimes, because she never leaves me alone. Even when I’m in bed and just checking my phone, she’ll push the phone out of my hands with her head. -_- sigh.
Anyway, she’s really sweet though. They way she follows me everywhere, wants to be with me. And most of the time, it’s her who’s sleeping with me. I have a double bed and I have my side and she has hers haha.

So sometimes she seems more like a dog. And she can get very stressed easily. Especially about other animals in the house. (My sisters dog for instance) While her brother is more ‘if you stay away from me its fine’ she’s more ‘get the **** out of the house’ πŸ˜› That’sΒ weird because they grew up with a dog and particularly she really loved the dog.

Right now they are inside because I live in an apartment. But when I lived with my mum both of them went outside everyday. While the boy would stay away for a long time and only come to eat and sleep. She’d make small rounds and check in every now and then (which was annoying as well, because every hour I had to open the door for her just to make a little round through the house and then she’d want to go out again)

They are both very afraid of the vet, sadly. She freaks out like hell, she’s untreatable when she’s conscious (unless she has a high fever, then she’s a little mellow). He is also upset at the vet most of the time, but he’ll just make some noises, while she really screams (like cats you hear in cartoons).

unfortunately when I got them, they were 7 weeks old and I’ve had cats all my life but I didn’t notice they were ill. They had the cat flu and a bacteria (which humans could get as well, so I got it too, thanks sweety’s πŸ˜› ! ) They had heavy treatments and both of the diseases went away, though they’ll always sneeze and I have to pay attention what kind of sneeze it is (a normal Β ‘i had the cat flu when I was a baby’-sneeze or ‘i am having the cat flu right now’-sneeze)
They both also haveΒ congenital heart defects. But right now they’re doing fine. It’s just really important that I know how they’re doing and really pay attention to it because they’re extra fragile.

But anyways, I love them. ❀
We’ve been together for more than 5 years, and I can’t imagine them not being here anymore.
People also often ask me if I have a favourite, but I honestly dont. They are so different, but I really love them equally.

Here 3 more pictures πŸ˜€
bbyboykitten
Baby boy sleeping when he was little! (and sick 😦 see the bald spot on his paw? He was covered all over the place with them)

bbygirlkitten
Baby girl when she was little. (Also sick… her eyes were very dirty, you might see it)

bbysplaying
But they were very alive, playing and WILD. It really shocked me how wild baby cats are with each other!

Well, these are my roommate’s πŸ™‚ haha

Goodnight everyone!

Wish you all a good week!

 

xoxo
Brianna

Where do the broken hearts go?

Hi πŸ™‚

There is one thing that has been dominating my mind all day long.

It’s about a guy (lets call him Randy). We dated a few weeks and I was quite open about my history. He knew I had been abused and that I’m in therapy for PTSD (I never added the C because nobody knows what it means). I’ve had a REALLY bad year date-wise and I actually had totally given up on the idea that he would be something. After a few weeks of texting every now and then I agreed to meet him up. He picked me up with is car, which was a really big deal for me, because it shows effort and I am not used to that. So basically he acted like a real gentleman and it did sweep me of my feet.
He was kinda distant at first, which made me doubt things, but then we kissed. It felt really magical. I got all warm inside, something I really don’t usually. We took everything very slow and I really got the feeling he wanted to do things on my pace too. He (is?) didn’t seem like the kind of guy who sleeps around (nothing wrong with that, but that could mean that sex has to be special) so I thought we were both on the same page. I did break my own rule and had sex with him because everything felt so good. It was.
But then I started doubting everything. I got confused. ‘He was so sweet during the sex, why hasn’t he asked me to be his girlfriend yet? Maybe he thought it was terrible, or that I was terrible, maybe he noticed my used body and it disgusted him’. Lets just say, I was driving myself crazy. He is a very closed person so I wasnt sure (never really talked about my problems with him besides telling him that I’m in therapy and stuff) if I could be open with him. So I decided to ask him. He said yes, but I guess that’s were everything changed.

To sum it up, he broke it off like a week ago with a lame-ass excuse. Yesterday I talked to him and said I couldn’t be just friends with him as he wanted. I really didn’t understand how he could sleep with me and then just dump me.
He obviously didn’t see my point, which I can understand cause in my mind things can go very quickly, things can trigger etc. But I also felt he wasn’t trying to understand.
I did ask him the questions I needed to know before breaking all contact. It was very painful, they didn’t even make sense. Like how he doesn’t like my smoking? Well.. we met on a dating site and it said there that I smoke. We even talked about it before we met?! I feel like he’s pointing all those things out just to give himself a reason. One thing he said was that he’s more someone who likes to be surprised by life and stuff and that I need certainty. Well that’s true.. He’s not able or wiling to give that to me and that I can accept.
But the way everything went is just so painful. He said to me ‘after the first time sex, the tension wears of and people relax more and then you really get to know the other person, sometimes it just doesnt click’ are you serious???? You have to freaking sleep with someone to get to know the other person? Well I don’t? I really DONT understand that and it hurts that I feel like I really trusted him, too much. I expected too much. I’ll never get the normal answers, or the answers that will satisfy me. It’s not that I don’t want to hear anything negative, it’s that this doesn’t make sense to me. So then the thoughts come back like ‘yeah im used shit, nobody wants that’. Ok.. positive again.
Anyhow after a night of crying and feeling like shit I decided I didn’t have the time for time to heal my wounds. I’m in a hurry. So I visited healmybrokenheart.com and did the quiz and now I’m doing the lessons.
Yeah, it definitely still hurts but not as much as last night. I can’t even begin to explain how that felt. I described it to him as if I was ran over by a train, but somehow my outside was still intact. I felt terrible. No one there to comfort me like I wanted.. a hug or something.

Still the questions wonder in my mind. What is the truth? Yeah, I’ll never know. I’m defintely not willing to talk to him now or in the near future. I’m too full of emotion and not able to be an adult about it and probably let my emotion speak.
I do realize if he acts like this and (yeah im gonna bring it up again) says that sex is something that tells you if you fit, I dont even want to be with him. Yeah I like him, no.. I like who I thought he was. He now just seems like a cold person, made of stone..Β youre gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul… Its the hurt talking right?

Its just really on my mind. Trying to understand, trying to deal with it (the pain mostly). I am positive I will find someone who wil be right for me. I am glad that it became clear quite quickly that he wasn’t. But why does it hurt then? It should be logical, he’s not right for me, ok bye bye. But my hearts acting stupid. Like, what is your problem? Youre asking to get hurt. Youre not even trying to protect yourself. < talking to my heart btw.

However, I found my trigger situations about him. Those are the late evenings/nights and I think I’m doing quite well, Cause im not watching my phone to see if he texted me. I know he wont. I dont want him to. Well maybe I do.. but then that he’d say something like ‘Im sorry’, it would make me feel better. Wouldnt change a thing though.. but just a little emotion from him. But thats too much to ask for.

Its not a bad guy, its really just the hurt talking. I know he’s more good than bad and that he didn’t try to hurt me intentionally.. but he did hurt me. (and isnt even trying to understand that he hurt me.. God, I’m getting angry again :/ )
Live and let live right, I dont want to hurt him, It wouldnt make me feel better, I think it’d make me feel worse. I just wish…. yeah wish… someone was here, to hold my hand through this all. To hug me. To tell me I’m doing okay, and that I’ll be fine. Someone who I can be honest with. But I got to do it on my own. I got to learn ‘self-consilation’, and that’s what I’m doing now. Fix myself. Talk to myself. Tell myself it’ll be alright. Tell myself I’m an okay person. See the positive in me.

So I wanna end this drama-blog with some positivity. I’m going to bed anyways, its past midnight here and I have to be at therapy tomorrow at 9am.

Why would someone want me?
– I do have a sense of humor
– My laugh is funny
– I can be super excited about something tiny
– I have a warm heart, a lot to give, and I’ll give a lot if you ask me to and treat me well
– I’m creative
– I’m open. (This may be seen as something negative, but I personally dont, because I really want to work things out by talking about it. I do realize that makes me one of those talk-woman, but whats wrong with that? Why wouldn’t you want to talk? That I want to talk, means that I care, and I dont feel right when something between us doesn’t feel right.)
– I’m openminded
– I’m a good listener and give advice
– I’m not afraid of confronting people and give my opinion if I think that will help them further
– I’m honest
– When I give.. I’ll give 200%, I’ll have your back even when you did something that was wrong.

Damn, I gotta stop or my head will explode πŸ˜‰

I’m a good person. I’m not bad, naughty or a whore. I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.

xoxo
Brianna