2013 in a blog post

Might contain TRIGGERS

Hi,

So, 2013 in a blog post, this is gonna be nice one 😛

Well.. 2013 has been one heck of a year. Well I guess I say that every time, and every year it seems to surprise me what a chaotic life I have, which is weird, because it never has been different yet it keeps surprising me as if I expect different.
Anyway, it started real scary. I just moved to my own place. For the first time, living on my own. It was hard, finally a place of my own, now what? I started falling down hard, after a suicide attempt in february I didn’t really knew what to do with my life and just crawled back into my own fantasy world, which I used to do when I lived at home. I must have spent a few months there.. it was ok. After a while, I was ready to try back out again, and I started making contact with people. Mostly guys, let’s be honest xD. Went through the whole mick-mack with the heart-drama. Somewhere around May (?) I met Abraham, which I never saw coming and he gave me something I never thought I’d ever get, or I ever even wished or dreamed of, because I didn’t even know of its existence. Somewhere around July I started talking to Sander again I think, and Randy came… and went 😛 man oh man, xD what a guy drama.

Mentally… what a rollercoaster. February was a big down for me. While Abraham was in my life I had a huge down (stopped with 2 medication type’s (Anti psychotic and anti depressant) which made all my emotions come back up, down i went, and well, a lot of downs since then. I guess only 1 really big one. So maybe just 3 this year.
But it feels like I’ve wandered around the edge of life numerous times, being tempted to jump and just forget the world. In february I tried, second time, Abraham pulled me away. Third time.. I pulled myself away.. wow.. I just realized that now.

2013 was the year I broke contact with my dad. The year I told my mum, straight to her face, why I have CPTSD. My mum told my sister behind my back (Which was a little disappointing, but ok)
I celebrated Christmas with my best friend.
I met Justy on  Wordpress.
I started my blog here. Felt less alone by reading other people’s blog and their journey’s through life with their struggle’s.
The year I dated like crazy. But to be honest, the year I dates like crazy, but which made me realize, maybe I’m not ugly… because some guys I dated were.. well.. they’re were just plain hot 😛 so it did give me a little boost 😉
I got of to a great start with Polly, I trust her and I know how to be open with her and discuss things with her.
I learned a lot about (c)PTSD and myself and everything that comes with.

I’ve been down on the floor, crying like crazy, screaming my lungs out, but in the end I did get up.
I had stood on my balcony ready to jump off, ready to leave this world, but yet here I am writing this! ok.. this is freaking me out, I could’ve been dead by now.. Damn, glad I’m not actually. Otherwise I never would’ve known about Christmas with Bestie.. and how happy I have felt sometimes. So happy that I felt it was too much, happy-ness overdose.

Anyway, 2013, you have been a………. weird, amazing, depressing, loving, interesting year. Thank you.

xoxo
Brianna

Cruel?

WARNING! This post contains TRIGGERS! 

 

Am I being cruel if I say I wish I died during the abuse?
That I wish I died before my mum got divorced and moved out of the house with me?
Am I ruining the chance others didn’t get?
Am I being ungrateful for the opportunity others clearly did not get?
Am I being unthankful by chosing or wishing death? While I have the option?

I just wish it because while I was being abused I never saw a future without to be honest, or maybe I did.. I don’t really know. It’s all really blurry in my head. I do know I wanted to do porn and stuff, but part of me must have hoped this would be over sometime? Or maybe not? Because otherwise I wouldn’t have tried to commit suicide when I was 13.

I wish I died before I was 16 because I didn’t know anything else but abuse. Of course I saw it in movies and stuff, but it was faaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away and this was always very accurate;

At some point the safest place was my bedroom, however, the bedroom was IN that home! How stupid is that?!

Right now I’m seeing all these opportunity’s. These people have gone from my life and new doors have opened and yet I still cannot get past it. I’m still stuck. Almost as if nothing has changed (in my head).

Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain

I feel cruel for thinking.. this, let alone writing this. Disgusting and a disgrace.

But a part of me is just thinking ‘its not about comparison.. it’s just about me wanting to be dead and I just link it to the abuse that happened to ME and that is still wandering in my mind of which I just think might as well have killed me in the first place because I feel it will in the end anyways’.

Gross, what a depressive post.

Gonna go eat something and just go to bed early. Tomorrow will be the last therapy day for 2013… yikes!

xoxo
Brianna

Lyrics can be beautifully painful

Warning; this is a negative post and might include triggers!

Did you ever think of me like the lyrics?; 
“So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone, you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall
It’d fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?
[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I’ll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall
It’d fall upon us all
Well I hope there’s someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time

If I could turn back time
I’ll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine”

I guess not. 

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again. Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did. It has not healed with time. It just show down my spine.
You look so beautiful tonight, reminds me how you laid us down…. and gently smiled…. before you destroyed my life.
Would you find it in your heart, to make this go away, and let me rest in pieces.

I open my eyes, I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light. 
I can’t remember how, I can’t remember why, I’m lying here tonight.
And I can’t stand the pain.. no I can’t make it go away, no I can’t stand the pain.
How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away (3 AM)
I’m sick of this life… I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay.. but that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most, was being so close, having so much to say… and watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could’ve been, and not seeing that loving you; is what I was trying to do

I never could get drunk enough, to get you of my mind, until the night
I put the bottle to my head, and pulled the trigger. Finally drank away your memory.
Life is short, but this time it was bigger, then the strength I had to get up off my knees.
They found me with my face down in the pillow, with a note that said ‘I’ll you till I die’

I lost my love, my life, that night.
Never meant to start a war.. Really didn’t. 
Don’t you ever say, I just walked away, I’ll always want you.

She walks to school with the lunch she packed. Nobody knows what she’s holding back.
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday, she hides the bruises with the linen and lace.
The teacher wonders but she doesn’t ask. It’s hard to see the pain behind the mask. 
Bearing the burden of a secret storm. Sometimes she wishes she was never born.
Somebody cries in the middle of the night.. the neighbours hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate.. when morning comes it’ll be too late.
Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone, in a world that she can’t rise above.
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she’s loved..
A statue stands in a shaded place. An angel girl with an upturned face. A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot; concrete angel.

This I come home to.. this is my shelter
It ain’t easy growing up in WWIII, Never knowing what love could be
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done my family 
Can’t we work it out? Can we be a family? I promise I’ll be better.. I’ll do anything

I’m crying here, what have you done? I thought it would be fun
Can’t on your life support, there’s a shortage in the switch
Can’t stay on your morphine, its making me itch
I tried to call the nurse again, but she’s being a little bitch

Please, please.. forgive me, but I won’t be home again. 
Maybe someday you’ll look up, and barely conscious you’ll say to no one ‘isn’t something missing?’
You won’t cry for my absence I know, you forgot me long ago. Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t something missing? Isn’t someone missing me?
Even though I’m the sacrifice, you won’t try for me not now. though I’d die to know you love me, I’m all alone
I know I am the sacrifice, and that you won’t cry for me not now. Yes I’d die to know you love me, yet I know you don’t
And if I bleed, I’ll bleed.. knowing you don’t care
And If i sleep just to dream of you.. how come I wake without you there?
Isn’t someone missing me? 

^This song was for my mother.. I used to listen to it when I was younger.. living at home and really thinking and feeling exactly like the lyrics

Hold on to me love.. you know I can’t stay long. 
All I wanted to say was I love you and I’m not afraid.
Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms? 
Holding my last breath, save inside myself.
I’ll miss the winter.. a world of fragile things. Look for me in the white forest hiding in a hollow tree.. come find me.
I know you hear me… I can taste it in your tears </3
Closing your eyes to disappear. You pray your dreams will leave me here. 
But still you wake and know the truth.. no-one’s there. 
Say goodnight, don’t be afraid. Calling me… calling me.. as you fade to black. 

Suicidal thoughts are all over the place. I feel like surrendering to… I don’t know who, but whoever is trying to kill me. Yeah.. surrendering to CPTSD.

CPTSD at my feet, whispers voices at my ear.. death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear. She beckons me shall I give in? Upon my end shall I begin? 
Forsaking all I’ve fallen for, I rise to meet the end.

Servatis a periculum 
Servatis a maleficum 

Don’t know why I chose these lyrics exactly. Was just listening to them on youtube, and felt like putting these ones down. Suddenly it stopped.. ? (The wanting to write down what I was listening to..) so uhm.. yeah, not feeling all to well. Can’t even expalin why, of course there are reasons, feelings, and thoughts.. it’s just a big mess.