Lyrics can be beautifully painful

Warning; this is a negative post and might include triggers!

Did you ever think of me like the lyrics?; 
“So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone, you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall
It’d fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?
[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I’ll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall
It’d fall upon us all
Well I hope there’s someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time

If I could turn back time
I’ll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine”

I guess not. 

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again. Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did. It has not healed with time. It just show down my spine.
You look so beautiful tonight, reminds me how you laid us down…. and gently smiled…. before you destroyed my life.
Would you find it in your heart, to make this go away, and let me rest in pieces.

I open my eyes, I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light. 
I can’t remember how, I can’t remember why, I’m lying here tonight.
And I can’t stand the pain.. no I can’t make it go away, no I can’t stand the pain.
How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
Got nowhere to run
The night goes on as I’m fading away (3 AM)
I’m sick of this life… I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay.. but that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most, was being so close, having so much to say… and watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could’ve been, and not seeing that loving you; is what I was trying to do

I never could get drunk enough, to get you of my mind, until the night
I put the bottle to my head, and pulled the trigger. Finally drank away your memory.
Life is short, but this time it was bigger, then the strength I had to get up off my knees.
They found me with my face down in the pillow, with a note that said ‘I’ll you till I die’

I lost my love, my life, that night.
Never meant to start a war.. Really didn’t. 
Don’t you ever say, I just walked away, I’ll always want you.

She walks to school with the lunch she packed. Nobody knows what she’s holding back.
Wearing the same dress she wore yesterday, she hides the bruises with the linen and lace.
The teacher wonders but she doesn’t ask. It’s hard to see the pain behind the mask. 
Bearing the burden of a secret storm. Sometimes she wishes she was never born.
Somebody cries in the middle of the night.. the neighbours hear but they turn out the light
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate.. when morning comes it’ll be too late.
Through the wind and the rain she stands hard as a stone, in a world that she can’t rise above.
But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she’s loved..
A statue stands in a shaded place. An angel girl with an upturned face. A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot; concrete angel.

This I come home to.. this is my shelter
It ain’t easy growing up in WWIII, Never knowing what love could be
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done my family 
Can’t we work it out? Can we be a family? I promise I’ll be better.. I’ll do anything

I’m crying here, what have you done? I thought it would be fun
Can’t on your life support, there’s a shortage in the switch
Can’t stay on your morphine, its making me itch
I tried to call the nurse again, but she’s being a little bitch

Please, please.. forgive me, but I won’t be home again. 
Maybe someday you’ll look up, and barely conscious you’ll say to no one ‘isn’t something missing?’
You won’t cry for my absence I know, you forgot me long ago. Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant?
Isn’t something missing? Isn’t someone missing me?
Even though I’m the sacrifice, you won’t try for me not now. though I’d die to know you love me, I’m all alone
I know I am the sacrifice, and that you won’t cry for me not now. Yes I’d die to know you love me, yet I know you don’t
And if I bleed, I’ll bleed.. knowing you don’t care
And If i sleep just to dream of you.. how come I wake without you there?
Isn’t someone missing me? 

^This song was for my mother.. I used to listen to it when I was younger.. living at home and really thinking and feeling exactly like the lyrics

Hold on to me love.. you know I can’t stay long. 
All I wanted to say was I love you and I’m not afraid.
Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms? 
Holding my last breath, save inside myself.
I’ll miss the winter.. a world of fragile things. Look for me in the white forest hiding in a hollow tree.. come find me.
I know you hear me… I can taste it in your tears </3
Closing your eyes to disappear. You pray your dreams will leave me here. 
But still you wake and know the truth.. no-one’s there. 
Say goodnight, don’t be afraid. Calling me… calling me.. as you fade to black. 

Suicidal thoughts are all over the place. I feel like surrendering to… I don’t know who, but whoever is trying to kill me. Yeah.. surrendering to CPTSD.

CPTSD at my feet, whispers voices at my ear.. death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear. She beckons me shall I give in? Upon my end shall I begin? 
Forsaking all I’ve fallen for, I rise to meet the end.

Servatis a periculum 
Servatis a maleficum 

Don’t know why I chose these lyrics exactly. Was just listening to them on youtube, and felt like putting these ones down. Suddenly it stopped.. ? (The wanting to write down what I was listening to..) so uhm.. yeah, not feeling all to well. Can’t even expalin why, of course there are reasons, feelings, and thoughts.. it’s just a big mess.

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CPTSD; (crazy)PTSD, (confusing)PTSD or just (cracked)PTSD?

TRIGGERING!!!
Because of the huge negativity + details

Hi everyone,

You know what’s confusing to me?
I know I have (c)PTSD and right now, that’s the only diagnose I have of which they are 100% sure.

I do feel the PTSD is so complex, sometimes it’s like I have a lot of other disorders.

For instance, depression. I have been depressed from age 9 till 15. Luckily I’m not depressed anymore! But sometimes, I do feel depressed, just like I have a depression, I never want to wake up anymore, I do want to take all those pills I have in my house and just go sleep forever, I feel like I’m done and don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just DONE. Leave me alone, go away, I hate you, stay away, let me die. (& when those people leave I’m like; WTH you left me, you abandoned me)

Then I can get this major mood swing, and I can be (yep.. its ridiculous) the happiest girl on the world. Everything is beautiful, my life is beautiful (sure, it’s not perfect, but I’m happy with what I have right now), I feel like dancing and singing all around. Hugging everyone I can see. Believe the beauty is in everyone, that everyone can love and everyone only wants good things for others.

Moodswing time; im angry. I’m so pissed off. I seriously could just go destroy something. Just either cut myself, or just slap/kick someone in the face. Just beat them down. (I haven’t, don’t worry 😉 ). I can be very aggressive verbally, and it’s something I despise from myself. It’s unbelievable, what can come out of my mouth, seriously. I’m always shocked when my anger goes away of what I have said/thought. When I was younger, the nurses at the psychiatric ward were shocked of the things that came out of my mouth, and I said them with no emotion. Just calm. They say I’m manipulative. Which I guess I am. Another thing I despise.

Well, then my self-image. Somethings, I do think; well I look okay. I can see that someone might think I’m beautiful. But sometimes, I just really think I should be slaughtered for my ugliness, and I just can’t go outside, because I will just scar other people with my ugliness.

Sometimes my future is so bright, yep I’m in therapy right now, but I know I’ll make it. I really know I will.
Other times, nothing will ever get better. I just should kill myself right now.

I hate and love my mum. She is the best and the worst person.

I push people away, and blame them for leaving. When they won’t leave, I’ll walk away and blame them for not coming after me.

I’m incredibly impulsive, my money goes out the window in no time. I sell my body without even thinking about it. I can get into very intense relationships (friendships included) and just end them with no emotion and walk away.

I have this thing, when I’m in the car, I HAVE to click my fingers. It just calms me down. Nothing will happen when I don’t, but I’ll get restless.

whenever Brenda comes out, I act like a child. A stupid, clingy, silly child.

I do see things that aren’t there. I have for about 10 years now. I used to be very scared by it, not anymore. It’s just flashes of lights or just shadows. It’s mostly when I’m very stressed. It frightens me because I suddenly see something that wasn’t there before, but when I concentrate on it, its gone. So then I calm down.

Sometimes people think I have autism, because I do like things structured. I get triggered easily, so I want the things done in a way of what I know, the chance of being triggered are slim.

I do have periods where I hardly eat anything. Sometimes I just drink (Fanta/coca cola) and eat nothing. I never manage to do that longer than 1,5 day though. But I can get excited and proud of the weight I have lost. Sometimes I eat everything that is eatable. I don’t even care if its 2 am, and I’m eating pizza. After that I’ll just eat some chips and candy. Till I feel like I need to throw up (Which I’m terrified of, so I get scared)

I do have periods of intense supicious-ness, and just really thinking people are following me. I am very ashamed of this, but about 2,5 months ago, I wanted to kill my cats, because I thought satan was in them and was trying to destroy me. I have periods where I see people who aren’t there.
I do have to say, these things always happen when I’m very stressed out.

And as if it couldn’t get any better, i want to contact my dad. Why? I don’t know? What do I want from him? I don’t know? Do I want him to yell at me, curse at me? Yeah maybe. Whenever I see his face in my mind I get disgusted. Somehow I do not match that face with the word ‘dad’.
Now I’m all grossed out by myself. Motherfucking flashbacks. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Really, wth?!?!?!??!?! Someone drug me, before I do something stupid. -_-

Right now I have an IUD and probably will need to take the pill with it, yeah, why not. Lets just put all these hormones in me, that will help with the mood swings!

I feel weird, messed up, I feel like a freak.
Some say it’s suicide. I say it’s a war & I’m losing the battle

I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m sad. I feel alone. I feel dirty. I feel pathetic. I am confused.
Brenda wants to scream. Why would she? No one will hear.. no one will help.

Respect if you made it through that negativity.
Now I’m done. Jesus Christ. Stop being so negative Brianna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m just having a hard day, I’m having trouble seeing the light. I’m having trouble keeping my head above the water.
I know it’ll go over. It’s heavy right now, but it might be better tomorrow. And if not, then the day after that. I have to stop being so childish and demanding and victim-y. Be the adult that I am. Speak up. Stand up. Find the strength. Look at all the other amazing people on WordPress, fighting everyday. I can’t give up. I wont give up. Not on me. Not on us.

Going to go to bed, maybe pick out a movie first. I’ll just put on Annie.
Take my security blanket with me.

Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You gotta get up and try.

xoxo
Brianna