2013 in a blog post

Might contain TRIGGERS

Hi,

So, 2013 in a blog post, this is gonna be nice one 😛

Well.. 2013 has been one heck of a year. Well I guess I say that every time, and every year it seems to surprise me what a chaotic life I have, which is weird, because it never has been different yet it keeps surprising me as if I expect different.
Anyway, it started real scary. I just moved to my own place. For the first time, living on my own. It was hard, finally a place of my own, now what? I started falling down hard, after a suicide attempt in february I didn’t really knew what to do with my life and just crawled back into my own fantasy world, which I used to do when I lived at home. I must have spent a few months there.. it was ok. After a while, I was ready to try back out again, and I started making contact with people. Mostly guys, let’s be honest xD. Went through the whole mick-mack with the heart-drama. Somewhere around May (?) I met Abraham, which I never saw coming and he gave me something I never thought I’d ever get, or I ever even wished or dreamed of, because I didn’t even know of its existence. Somewhere around July I started talking to Sander again I think, and Randy came… and went 😛 man oh man, xD what a guy drama.

Mentally… what a rollercoaster. February was a big down for me. While Abraham was in my life I had a huge down (stopped with 2 medication type’s (Anti psychotic and anti depressant) which made all my emotions come back up, down i went, and well, a lot of downs since then. I guess only 1 really big one. So maybe just 3 this year.
But it feels like I’ve wandered around the edge of life numerous times, being tempted to jump and just forget the world. In february I tried, second time, Abraham pulled me away. Third time.. I pulled myself away.. wow.. I just realized that now.

2013 was the year I broke contact with my dad. The year I told my mum, straight to her face, why I have CPTSD. My mum told my sister behind my back (Which was a little disappointing, but ok)
I celebrated Christmas with my best friend.
I met Justy on  Wordpress.
I started my blog here. Felt less alone by reading other people’s blog and their journey’s through life with their struggle’s.
The year I dated like crazy. But to be honest, the year I dates like crazy, but which made me realize, maybe I’m not ugly… because some guys I dated were.. well.. they’re were just plain hot 😛 so it did give me a little boost 😉
I got of to a great start with Polly, I trust her and I know how to be open with her and discuss things with her.
I learned a lot about (c)PTSD and myself and everything that comes with.

I’ve been down on the floor, crying like crazy, screaming my lungs out, but in the end I did get up.
I had stood on my balcony ready to jump off, ready to leave this world, but yet here I am writing this! ok.. this is freaking me out, I could’ve been dead by now.. Damn, glad I’m not actually. Otherwise I never would’ve known about Christmas with Bestie.. and how happy I have felt sometimes. So happy that I felt it was too much, happy-ness overdose.

Anyway, 2013, you have been a………. weird, amazing, depressing, loving, interesting year. Thank you.

xoxo
Brianna

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Memory; tennis try-out

Might be a trigger!

Hi,

I just got triggered by something simple.
It was supposed to be positive I guess, but It triggered me to a memory.
It’s all repeating in my head now, so I’m going to write it down and hope it will help me get it out of my head.
I was about 11 years I think.
I just stopped swimming and gymnastics and was allowed to choose another sport. I couldn’t decide between hockey and tennis. So I got to try them both out with 1 training.
When I got to tennis. I don’t even know what happened, well, looking back, I was still being abused and living at home, depressed and so it’s not hard to think why it went wrong. But I don’t remember if anything happened before going to the try out.

My mum had bought me some gym clothes to wear. Me, being the chubby girl I was, tried them on in the dressing room (I was alone in the dressing room with my mum) and it was this really tight pink t-shirt with a tight short black pants. I felt really insecure in it, at home they made sure I knew I was fat and some kids at school as well. I was only 11 but really chubby, so I had these small ‘boobs’ which were actually just fat, but ok. But in the tight pink shirt it was so obvious, my body shape, and it was a little short too so you could see a bit of my tummy. I panicked and told my mum I didn’t want to go wearing this and if we could reschedule. She got mad at me for being a baby and shoved me out of the dressing room unto the tennis field. I was crying and trying to hide my tummy/fatboobs and my mum kept pushing me, while getting even more angry with me for crying.
I felt everyone could see how disgusting I was, how fat, how ugly, how dirty.. just everything. embarrassed of being me, betrayed (yet again) by my mum, scared.

The training went ok though, the trainer was nice and the 3 others kids were nice as well. The trainer said I had potential and that I learned quick (I never chose tennis by the way).

It’s just so stuck in my head. I can still see that intense pink shirt with a stupid white print on it, and feel it so tight on my body and just have it show all my shapes. The black pants as well.. yuck.
Feeling the shame, the hurt (by my mum mainly), insecurity..

Well.. I wiped away a few tears while writing this. So I DO feel something. But it’s all numb-ed down again. Though I do feel down now.

Going to go to bed now, just wrap myself in my blankets and be save and warm.

xoxo
Brianna