Because of the huge negativity + details
You know what’s confusing to me?
I know I have (c)PTSD and right now, that’s the only diagnose I have of which they are 100% sure.
I do feel the PTSD is so complex, sometimes it’s like I have a lot of other disorders.
For instance, depression. I have been depressed from age 9 till 15. Luckily I’m not depressed anymore! But sometimes, I do feel depressed, just like I have a depression, I never want to wake up anymore, I do want to take all those pills I have in my house and just go sleep forever, I feel like I’m done and don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just DONE. Leave me alone, go away, I hate you, stay away, let me die. (& when those people leave I’m like; WTH you left me, you abandoned me)
Then I can get this major mood swing, and I can be (yep.. its ridiculous) the happiest girl on the world. Everything is beautiful, my life is beautiful (sure, it’s not perfect, but I’m happy with what I have right now), I feel like dancing and singing all around. Hugging everyone I can see. Believe the beauty is in everyone, that everyone can love and everyone only wants good things for others.
Moodswing time; im angry. I’m so pissed off. I seriously could just go destroy something. Just either cut myself, or just slap/kick someone in the face. Just beat them down. (I haven’t, don’t worry 😉 ). I can be very aggressive verbally, and it’s something I despise from myself. It’s unbelievable, what can come out of my mouth, seriously. I’m always shocked when my anger goes away of what I have said/thought. When I was younger, the nurses at the psychiatric ward were shocked of the things that came out of my mouth, and I said them with no emotion. Just calm. They say I’m manipulative. Which I guess I am. Another thing I despise.
Well, then my self-image. Somethings, I do think; well I look okay. I can see that someone might think I’m beautiful. But sometimes, I just really think I should be slaughtered for my ugliness, and I just can’t go outside, because I will just scar other people with my ugliness.
Sometimes my future is so bright, yep I’m in therapy right now, but I know I’ll make it. I really know I will.
Other times, nothing will ever get better. I just should kill myself right now.
I hate and love my mum. She is the best and the worst person.
I push people away, and blame them for leaving. When they won’t leave, I’ll walk away and blame them for not coming after me.
I’m incredibly impulsive, my money goes out the window in no time. I sell my body without even thinking about it. I can get into very intense relationships (friendships included) and just end them with no emotion and walk away.
I have this thing, when I’m in the car, I HAVE to click my fingers. It just calms me down. Nothing will happen when I don’t, but I’ll get restless.
whenever Brenda comes out, I act like a child. A stupid, clingy, silly child.
I do see things that aren’t there. I have for about 10 years now. I used to be very scared by it, not anymore. It’s just flashes of lights or just shadows. It’s mostly when I’m very stressed. It frightens me because I suddenly see something that wasn’t there before, but when I concentrate on it, its gone. So then I calm down.
Sometimes people think I have autism, because I do like things structured. I get triggered easily, so I want the things done in a way of what I know, the chance of being triggered are slim.
I do have periods where I hardly eat anything. Sometimes I just drink (Fanta/coca cola) and eat nothing. I never manage to do that longer than 1,5 day though. But I can get excited and proud of the weight I have lost. Sometimes I eat everything that is eatable. I don’t even care if its 2 am, and I’m eating pizza. After that I’ll just eat some chips and candy. Till I feel like I need to throw up (Which I’m terrified of, so I get scared)
I do have periods of intense supicious-ness, and just really thinking people are following me. I am very ashamed of this, but about 2,5 months ago, I wanted to kill my cats, because I thought satan was in them and was trying to destroy me. I have periods where I see people who aren’t there.
I do have to say, these things always happen when I’m very stressed out.
And as if it couldn’t get any better, i want to contact my dad. Why? I don’t know? What do I want from him? I don’t know? Do I want him to yell at me, curse at me? Yeah maybe. Whenever I see his face in my mind I get disgusted. Somehow I do not match that face with the word ‘dad’.
Now I’m all grossed out by myself. Motherfucking flashbacks. LEAVE ME ALONE!
Really, wth?!?!?!??!?! Someone drug me, before I do something stupid. -_-
Right now I have an IUD and probably will need to take the pill with it, yeah, why not. Lets just put all these hormones in me, that will help with the mood swings!
I feel weird, messed up, I feel like a freak.
Some say it’s suicide. I say it’s a war & I’m losing the battle
I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m sad. I feel alone. I feel dirty. I feel pathetic. I am confused.
Brenda wants to scream. Why would she? No one will hear.. no one will help.
Respect if you made it through that negativity.
Now I’m done. Jesus Christ. Stop being so negative Brianna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m just having a hard day, I’m having trouble seeing the light. I’m having trouble keeping my head above the water.
I know it’ll go over. It’s heavy right now, but it might be better tomorrow. And if not, then the day after that. I have to stop being so childish and demanding and victim-y. Be the adult that I am. Speak up. Stand up. Find the strength. Look at all the other amazing people on WordPress, fighting everyday. I can’t give up. I wont give up. Not on me. Not on us.
Going to go to bed, maybe pick out a movie first. I’ll just put on Annie.
Take my security blanket with me.
Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You gotta get up and try.