Foggy mind

Hi,

I am going to try to write how the confusion in my head takes place.
I don’t know if this is due to the dissociation/triggers/flashbacks or just stupidity (well, I know it’s not that, but I just thought it’d be funny to say that).

I know a day is just a day, with 24 hours in it.

But honestly, I don’t know if I ever make the 24 hours. My body is there, here, in the present, here on the couch in 2014. But my mind/spirit/head (whatever you want to call it), floats off, leaving my body, staring into the distance, and my mind leaves me, I can not follow where it’s going, it leaves into forgetfulness. Sometimes I wish it would just stay there, because whenever it comes back (which it always does), it comes back hurt. Broken, full of pain, triggered. I find myself depressed, sometimes I start to cry, sometimes flashbacks start coming, sometimes self loathe washes over me, sometimes triggers come out of nowhere (things I that just can’t, like the smell of my father, I just had it 30 minutes ago (had to pause writing this actually), he’s not here, and hasn’t been here). I don’t know where my mind has been.

Sometimes a day, which technically has 24 hours, feels like 2 day’s. Sometimes when my mind comes back, I remember.. or actually notice I have to go to the toilet very urgent. Or I am very hungry. Sometimes my muscles are painful. Most of the times I am exhausted.

I do try to stay in the present by doing things. I really do! My mind is something I can not seem to grab or hold on to, it comes and goes and slips through anything. It takes back terrible things I do not want to remember. It leaves me here sitting on the couch like a dead casket. Lately, when my mind comes back, I realize, I’m freezing cold.

My tummy aches, body memories I guess. Brenda screams, or just cries silently with her security blanket covered over her mouth.

But I do try to stay in the present, by for instance reading stuff, but even reading can be hard. Just reading a simple sentence, just reading the words, and have my head define the words into meaningful things that are understandable. Sometimes I find myself reading 1 simple sentence over and over again. I can try to make a conversation with people, but as you can see (especially face to face this is terrible!) it is very hard. In real life, I am often too ashamed to keep asking ‘what?’

I’ve been in this state since friday. Since that trigger. I’ve been having triggers all over the place. My mind has been floating in and out. I haven’t even showered in 2 weeks (nasty right? I am so terrified to even go into the bathroom).

Ah, just daily life. Staying in the present is hard enough. Trying to live is hard enough. Trying to meet my body’s ‘needs’ (eat/drink/toilet) is hard enough.

xoxo
Brianna

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Clinic?

Hi,

Betty said yesterday she is still doubting if I wouldn’t be better of at a clinic. Instantly I thought; NO!
I still think like that. But looking at myself now. Lying on the couch, whining like child because I don’t know what to eat for dinner. Then finding some distraction on the internet (something that catches my eye I guess) and within no time whining… distraction… whining… seriously, how old am I? I don’t know yo… Again the issue with me feeling like I’m having too little individual attention, I’m sorry… but I feel like that. Might ask Brandon tomorrow if he has the time to talk. I get the same amount of individual talks like any other girl there though!

Seeing things again. What am I doing wrong? I did sleep a good 2 hours this afternoon I think. Baby girl woke me up, by licking my face.. then sneezing in it -_-

Lost my security blanket somewhere in the house. My house isn’t big, but big enough for it to be lost.

I want my mummy 😦 but whenever she hugs me it triggers me. I want to crawl away in her arms.. but whenever even her foot accidentally touches my leg, i get triggered.

I want grandma 😦 yeah.. I really do

 

xoxo
Brianna

A lot of clutter

Hi,

I’m really confused about everything. I don’t even know where to start or how to write it down.
Trying to take everything in baby steps. Right now I’m going to take a nap (to make sure I do get my rest, since I am too scared to sleep ok during the night).
I am planning to put my alarm around 4 pm and then to clean my house a little. After that dinner.. a little computer stuff and hopefully sleep (You know, I’ve been saying that every damn day, and I never fall a sleep before 3 am & I wake up ridiculously early)

Tried calling Betty today, but she’s free today (normally she does work but I guess because of the holiday).

Being confused right now is too much. I am afraid of dissociating, but I can’t stop it. So by taking my rest I do hope I’ll avoid it. I really don’t have the words to explain the confusion. Everything is a big blur. A 2013 blur, but a blur. But even by saying that, I don’t feel I cover the whole confusion.

Anyway, off to my nap now.

xoxo
Brianna

I am doing my best! Aren’t I?

I’m sorry, this may be a little pitty-party. I’m a little upset, angry, confused, disappointed and hurt. But I do feel obligated to warn you about the high pitty-ness-content.

“After almost a year of treatment there is little progress with Brianna” – my evaluation from therapy

Hi..

Well thank you. I’m doing my best!!!! What is going wrong? If there’s something I’m doing wrong, why don’t they tell me? It can’t be the cptsd, because all the other women have that aswell. So why is there ‘little progress’…? The only positive thing they said is that I have become more open.. I seriously thought I was doing ok, but no.. I’m a freaking snail compared to everyone else -_-
Well isn’t that great 🙂 and in May I have to get out and go somewhere else, and continue my snail road.

Sorry, but I’m getting pissed. Why don’t they  just say that to my face? So that I can ask them what the hell is wrong then? But when I do that, I’m being too demanding and spoiled about myself. Because I want more individual attention.
Sigh -________________________________-
Feel like slapping myself in the face.

Yeah, I thought I was doing ok, also kinda slow, but hey, I’m getting the same attention as everyone else. So that can’t be too slow??

NEVER MIND.

Waiting for a call from Brandon. Been so scared last night and this morning. When it got light out, I did sleep a few hours and slept well. But who cares right? Ok.. I’m sorry, I’m just really pissed and disappointed in myself.
I don’t know why I’m talking to Brandon. He can’t say anything else but that I need to endure my sadness and fears. meanwhile distract myself with stuff.

Betty said that I have to stop telling them how bad I’m feeling because they get it. But, but…… ok……. so what’s next? I am focussing on the solutions right? Enduring and stuff, but it makes me so tired and so hopeless that it just goes on and on.

I’m just wondering, why am I doing so slow? And what is the difference between me and others then? What makes me so slow?

xoxo
Brianna

CPTSD; (crazy)PTSD, (confusing)PTSD or just (cracked)PTSD?

TRIGGERING!!!
Because of the huge negativity + details

Hi everyone,

You know what’s confusing to me?
I know I have (c)PTSD and right now, that’s the only diagnose I have of which they are 100% sure.

I do feel the PTSD is so complex, sometimes it’s like I have a lot of other disorders.

For instance, depression. I have been depressed from age 9 till 15. Luckily I’m not depressed anymore! But sometimes, I do feel depressed, just like I have a depression, I never want to wake up anymore, I do want to take all those pills I have in my house and just go sleep forever, I feel like I’m done and don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just DONE. Leave me alone, go away, I hate you, stay away, let me die. (& when those people leave I’m like; WTH you left me, you abandoned me)

Then I can get this major mood swing, and I can be (yep.. its ridiculous) the happiest girl on the world. Everything is beautiful, my life is beautiful (sure, it’s not perfect, but I’m happy with what I have right now), I feel like dancing and singing all around. Hugging everyone I can see. Believe the beauty is in everyone, that everyone can love and everyone only wants good things for others.

Moodswing time; im angry. I’m so pissed off. I seriously could just go destroy something. Just either cut myself, or just slap/kick someone in the face. Just beat them down. (I haven’t, don’t worry 😉 ). I can be very aggressive verbally, and it’s something I despise from myself. It’s unbelievable, what can come out of my mouth, seriously. I’m always shocked when my anger goes away of what I have said/thought. When I was younger, the nurses at the psychiatric ward were shocked of the things that came out of my mouth, and I said them with no emotion. Just calm. They say I’m manipulative. Which I guess I am. Another thing I despise.

Well, then my self-image. Somethings, I do think; well I look okay. I can see that someone might think I’m beautiful. But sometimes, I just really think I should be slaughtered for my ugliness, and I just can’t go outside, because I will just scar other people with my ugliness.

Sometimes my future is so bright, yep I’m in therapy right now, but I know I’ll make it. I really know I will.
Other times, nothing will ever get better. I just should kill myself right now.

I hate and love my mum. She is the best and the worst person.

I push people away, and blame them for leaving. When they won’t leave, I’ll walk away and blame them for not coming after me.

I’m incredibly impulsive, my money goes out the window in no time. I sell my body without even thinking about it. I can get into very intense relationships (friendships included) and just end them with no emotion and walk away.

I have this thing, when I’m in the car, I HAVE to click my fingers. It just calms me down. Nothing will happen when I don’t, but I’ll get restless.

whenever Brenda comes out, I act like a child. A stupid, clingy, silly child.

I do see things that aren’t there. I have for about 10 years now. I used to be very scared by it, not anymore. It’s just flashes of lights or just shadows. It’s mostly when I’m very stressed. It frightens me because I suddenly see something that wasn’t there before, but when I concentrate on it, its gone. So then I calm down.

Sometimes people think I have autism, because I do like things structured. I get triggered easily, so I want the things done in a way of what I know, the chance of being triggered are slim.

I do have periods where I hardly eat anything. Sometimes I just drink (Fanta/coca cola) and eat nothing. I never manage to do that longer than 1,5 day though. But I can get excited and proud of the weight I have lost. Sometimes I eat everything that is eatable. I don’t even care if its 2 am, and I’m eating pizza. After that I’ll just eat some chips and candy. Till I feel like I need to throw up (Which I’m terrified of, so I get scared)

I do have periods of intense supicious-ness, and just really thinking people are following me. I am very ashamed of this, but about 2,5 months ago, I wanted to kill my cats, because I thought satan was in them and was trying to destroy me. I have periods where I see people who aren’t there.
I do have to say, these things always happen when I’m very stressed out.

And as if it couldn’t get any better, i want to contact my dad. Why? I don’t know? What do I want from him? I don’t know? Do I want him to yell at me, curse at me? Yeah maybe. Whenever I see his face in my mind I get disgusted. Somehow I do not match that face with the word ‘dad’.
Now I’m all grossed out by myself. Motherfucking flashbacks. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Really, wth?!?!?!??!?! Someone drug me, before I do something stupid. -_-

Right now I have an IUD and probably will need to take the pill with it, yeah, why not. Lets just put all these hormones in me, that will help with the mood swings!

I feel weird, messed up, I feel like a freak.
Some say it’s suicide. I say it’s a war & I’m losing the battle

I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m sad. I feel alone. I feel dirty. I feel pathetic. I am confused.
Brenda wants to scream. Why would she? No one will hear.. no one will help.

Respect if you made it through that negativity.
Now I’m done. Jesus Christ. Stop being so negative Brianna!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m just having a hard day, I’m having trouble seeing the light. I’m having trouble keeping my head above the water.
I know it’ll go over. It’s heavy right now, but it might be better tomorrow. And if not, then the day after that. I have to stop being so childish and demanding and victim-y. Be the adult that I am. Speak up. Stand up. Find the strength. Look at all the other amazing people on WordPress, fighting everyday. I can’t give up. I wont give up. Not on me. Not on us.

Going to go to bed, maybe pick out a movie first. I’ll just put on Annie.
Take my security blanket with me.

Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You gotta get up and try.

xoxo
Brianna

Dissociation?

Hello peeps,

I have had a very weird day. It’s been a while since I’ve been so confused about time and everything. I really don’t know what it is, so for now I’ll call it dissociation, if someone disagrees, feel free to tell me! I really don’t know what it is, hopefully i’ll have time discussing it with Betty monday. 

Well, first thing, I’m very confused.
Basically I know it’s about 2013, and I know my week schedule. Monday; Therapy. Tuesday; Home counselor. Wednesday; Therapy. Thursday; home counselor. Friday; groceries.
I know I’m in my own home, I know this is my home and in what town I am. The date is not that important, the only thing that is important is the day of the week.

That is it, simple as that. But I’m very confused about what day it is. I always have my mobile phone with me, for these kind of things. But when I woke up today I really had no clue of what day it was. Then I saw thursday on my mobile phone and I knew my home counselor (I’ll call her Polly) is coming over at 1 pm. So I was really tired, I guess because of therapy yesterday, but it stays with me the next day, the tired-ness. So I slept till 12.45 pm and got out of bed, but Polly never came. So at 01.20 pm I texted her about our appointment, but she never answered, so I got really insecure and called my mom to asked about what day it is. She didn’t pick up her phone. My phone still said its Thursday. I was VERY confused, at 1.45 I send her a text saying ‘I guess today’s appointment is off, the next one in my agenda is next thursday at 12 pm, is that correct?’ Within 5 minutes I got a text back saying ‘That’s correct, see you then’. So uhhh what about today’s appointment, did I dream it? Was she here but did I dissociate? I don’t even know. 😦 

Then I saw on Facebook someone congratulating a Mary (Which is my mothers name) so then I went; SHIT its her birthday and I forgot 😦 damn!!….. oh wait.. then its my birthday too? (we’re born on the same day) how old am I ? Then I saw the last name of that Mary wasn’t the same as my moms.. so I calmed down.

This is about the big confusing stuff. 
There were little things like my front door being locked (I never lock it, when I’m at home) so that was weird. My security blanket lying somewhere I would never leave it. It’s just something odd, all explainable by things I must have forgotten, but they’re so out of my routine stuff, that it’s just impossible to do that while I am me (Brianna)

So.. besides that. I’ve lost a lot of time during the day. Just gone. 
My mom picked me up around 6 pm to go eat somewhere, but I needed some groceries so we went to the supermarket first. Before I left, I knew Brenda was being annoying. However she kept pushing me away to take over (this is way I KNOW I do not have DID/DIS), sometimes when she ‘takes over’, I know she does. I’m still there, I just can’t do anything about it. So I know, I went into the car, sat next to my mom, and started whining about everything. You know, I have NO idea what she’s whining about or what she’s thinking, it’s just annoying for me to be aware of me acting like that my mom asking ‘whats wrong?’ and me (Brenda) saying; i don’t know. The whole ride to the supermarket she/i was restless, stretching legs, pulling them, turning my head, ticking with my fingers etc. I know restless-ness is a sign of me that I do not feel well (mentally). Brenda kept moaning and sighing and crying softly and saying ‘I don’t want to/no/i dont know/please no/mummy please’ and it was somewhere triggering me because I can imagine what she must have felt or thought or relived. Its weird I guess to explain, but Brenda controls 2/3 of me and I control 1/3. I did get the upper hand back eventually, but by then I am exhausted. I feel very powerless, acting like that and not being able to do anything. I literally can’t break through. When I’m at home (alone), this happens a lot, but then its ok. She can just go whine and drag me with her, lie on the couch/in bed, talking like a small child etc. But when there is someone else around me, I fight my best to keep her in the back as much as possible, but when she breaks through, I fight and fight to get back the control, but I just can’t 😦 it makes me feel so helpless and makes me (Brianna) want to cry and crawl into bed. 
This is a situation where I am able to see and know what I am doing/saying but not able to influence it.
I do have moments where I black out totally.

It’s so hard to explain. I’m still very tired.

I just don’t know what to do about it. Except give in into what Brenda wants, which is lying in bed with my security blanket and let a tear out every now and then. But sometimes I’m not in a place where I can do that. 

It makes me doubt what the hell is wrong with me?

Like my last blog post, I said I wanted to sit on the ground and cry till someone would pick me up. I know that’s what Brenda wants. But I have the upper hand so I can be like ‘no we wont do that’. Sigh… you know, I don’t even know whats going on anymore. 

Its Thursday right? Yeah.. my laptop says it is. 

Gonna go to bed early today. Hopefully I’ll feel more rested tomorrow. 

xoxo
Brianna 

ps, It’s happening again! Well, that weird stuff. My head is very cloudy. I feel a little stoned :/ but not funny-like. Like I took my crisis medication. I’m getting restless and stuff.  Jesus. What the actual hell? Just stop!!!!!!!