:)

Hi,

What a rollercoaster day.

Right now I’m doing pretty okay actually. I thought of something, and wanted to share it with you guys.
I’m going to bed right now.. and I figured.. I’m going to bed with a smile. Not just any smile. A smile someone gave me, with just being who he is. Also for giving me the lift up to work through, the faith, the strength, the courage and so much more.

By-the-way-Im-wearing-the-smile-you-gave-me

Are you guys wearing any smiles? ❤

xoxo
Brianna

Coping

Hi,

After my big (dark)-blue cloud, and writing the blog post on here, which really helped. I realize just writing here, and being honest and open and getting the support from fellow bloggers is so helpful, which I think kind of lifted me up. Maybe I just wanted to be heard. To be seen, within my loneliness.
Even if it’s from a distance.

Since I’ve been sitting at home, inside all day, with this stupid cold. I wanted to go out, but not alone. I wanted to ask Abraham (yup, we can use the name again. I think being heard and seen made me a lot calmer and I think I knew what I needed, so I wanted to ask Abraham) to go for a walk outside. I knew, the chances of him saying yes were 0,001%, but I just wanted to ask him. He said he wasn’t in town.
And then this weird thing happened. I was like; well okay!
I texted him back; ok!
And I didn’t even really mind the fact that he said no. But I really enjoyed the clarity of the no. I don’t need to sit all evening doubting myself if I should ask him. Or maybe even cry because I feel so alone. I actually felt quite good. Maybe some other time.

I cleaned the house a bit, did the laundry (I was real behind on that), I even cooked myself some dinner (may I add that I haven’t cooked in the last 9 months) and right now I’m pretty tired so I’m going to go to bed.
Tomorrow Polly will come (hopefully), and I’ll be going to the pet store, because it was baby girl and baby boy’s birthday today! They turned 6 😀
I’m such a proud mum 😀 I’m gonna buy them 2 toys and a little treat.

Here a picture of them I took today 🙂

babyboy babygirl

 

xoxo
Brianna

Feeling blue

Hi,

I’m predicting this post is going to be a big blur of me rambling about loneliness and thoughts around that. And I think it might be hard to follow.

So, I’m still feeling sick-ish. It’s not that hard anymore, but it’s still kicking me down. I’m still in bed all day and then it’s bearable. But… I’m lonely. I have the tendency to just keep busy. But with being sick and all, there’s not much energy (well feel free to say, no energy) left to do stuff. But I just want to do stuff and I don’t even care right now if it’s working all day and all night long. Just let me do something, anything but think. Anything but being lonely here.

I miss you. And I think we all know who I’m talking about, but right now I can’t bear to say his name. A part of me feels like the most stupidest whore on earth, for feeling like this. And just writing that down, the other part disappeared. The other part was probably a little more healthy but the Peter-like-thinking destroyed it temporarily. Well, that’s ok.

At this moment, I just don’t care. Just give me something to do. No, better yet. Make me do something. Force me.
I know that won’t work. Because Brenda will start screaming eventually because she’ll feel unsafe or need rest etc. and then I’ll collapse no matter what.
But I just feel like I just can’t just sit here on my bed thinking about ‘you’, and actually thinking to myself.. realizing this;

I want you near.
You don’t want near.
I can’t do anything about that.

It’s as simple as that. And no matter how simple that is, it’s so painful. Because I can’t look into your head. My expectations have to be low, lower than the ground. Nothing is clear and though it never was, now it seems worse.
I’m so upset. And who knows, maybe I’m a lot more in my child-mode than I realize right now, because when I force myself to look back at my post, it’s not very adult-thinking.. and when I force myself to look at the last month rationally for instance, I’ve been doing fine with the distance between me and you. And I was honestly okay with it. But right now, I’m falling to pieces, the distance is breaking me up. Time and patience seem like my worst enemy, but I think I’ve got an unreliable friend on my side who is far worse than time and/or patience.  I just don’t know what it is yet.

xoxo
Brianna

Immunity problems

Hi,

 

I remember crazyinthecoconut.co.uk writing about immunity and trauma and how it might get affected and it got me thinking.

At this exact moment I’m experiencing flu symptoms, AGAIN. I’ve got a terrible headache, my throat is raw, a running nose, and my muscles hurt all over my body.
Well, a little trip down memory lane people! Body reminders, like flu, are triggers. So I am riding the trigger-rollercoaster right now. And just to make it all a little bit more fun, I have to work in 3 hours!

Of course canceling could be an option, I mean, call in sick. But you know, pussy as I am, I’m just too afraid to do that. What if they won’t believe me? I’m still in my ‘trial period’, even though it’s volunteers work, I really like it there! I don’t want to get send away. So I’ll just have to suck it up, and go do what I have to do.

Realizing that, Brenda starts (well, not starts, she was already whining) freaking out.

I tried stuffing some dinner into myself, which didn’t work. It turned out into me crying all over my dinner and calling my mom (who didn’t answer her phone), right now I’m not crying as loud as I was before, just tears streaming down my face silently.

Honestly? I feel helpless.

Please, NOT AGAIN.

It hasn’t even been a month since I have been sick. This will be the second time in 1 month!

xoxo
Brianna

Overload of tears

I can’t remember the last time I cried this much.
It can’t be that long ago, but I’ve been doing pretty ok, keeping myself pretty stable. Crying doesn’t mean I’m unstable, but it’s really a waterfall.

It started around 11.30 am at therapy. Got my ass whipped for speaking up. (basically > just speaking my point of view) Afterwards got all compliments from the girls for speaking up.
Anyway it didn’t help, tears came out. Unfair. No openness. Why would you kick my ass.

I don’t understand.

Right now, I’m still crying. Almost 10.30 pm.
I have periods of hyperventilating, although I do feel that’s more ‘Brenda crying’ because it’s very limitless. I completely drown in all sorrow and my own tears.

I can’t even grab Brenda’s hand and help her. I’m drowning myself. I’ve got my/our security blanket in my hand, all the time, and it brings comfort, a lot, but it doesn’t stop the tears from coming.

I feel completely broken. The road ahead feels shattered.
I feel like I’m standing alone, Brenda is shaking on her legs, trying to hold her own weight, standing behind me/hiding. And I don’t know what to do.

I really wish I had Abraham by my side right now. Not just because he gives the best advice ever. But because I’d like a hug. Brenda wants him around too.

I don’t think, well I’m pretty sure, I wont be going to therapy on Monday. I need the rest. I’ll go on Wednesday again, because 1. Brandon will be there (he’s the only half-save person there.) and 2. the ass-whipper is there as well. < Balance, right?

Right now you can really carry me away. My eyes are swollen. My head is about to burst. I am so upset, even the nap I had this afternoon (before the nap I cried, and after I woke, I started crying again!) didn’t regulate my feelings/state of mind.

What are my options?

Balance

Hi,

I’m struggling a lot with finding the balance back in my daily life.
Yesterday I had therapy and a talk with Betty, it was.. weird. Anyhow, I’m exhausted.
I know I can regulate my stuff with sleep a lot.
For instance I am very confused (with time especially, days aren’t logical anymore, I forget a lot, I’m getting more dissociative).  Yesterday after therapy I slept about 4 hours.

This morning I was awake at 9 am. I slept again from about noon till 4 pm and probably will sleep again early. It’s the only way I know I can try to get some balance back.
And to be honest, sleep is also the only way to keep Brenda calm. It’s not that she’s very upset right now, but if she is, I just need to go to bed, stuff security blanket against my mouth and I’ll get calm and fall asleep eventually.

I guess I’m a bit (understatement) bothered that I need this much time to find the balance back. And to be honest… I wish I could get a hug. That someone was there to hug me. To maybe even sleep next to me. That I could fall asleep in someone’s arms. Next to someone’s warmth.

Right now I’m regulating my tiredness on my own. Finding the balance on my own. Which of course is a good thing, but being the dependent one I am, I long for someone to be with me.

xoxo
Brianna

Incomprehension

“I can hear you in a whisper, but you can’t even hear me screaming”
^You know that a ptsd symptom is being alert. That being alert can cause hearing whispers, and noticing the slightest sign from someone, a small change (for instance in someone’s mood).

There is one thing that hurts me terribly deep and actually pierces right through my soul.
It’s the fact that I, or for that matter Brenda, can scream my ass off in pure fear or agony and people still might not understand that I am afraid or in pain.

Misunderstandings – it’s like I’m communicating through a whole other language as opposed to all the other people who live on this planet.
Even you, the person who might be reading this, might not understand me. Yes, this is English and yes that is a common language spoken on planet Earth, but no you do not understand.

Right now I feel I can write a million words on my experience with cptsd and you still will not understand.
The rational/healthy part of me knows that’s not true, for example Abraham, understood. In some twisted way, or stupid wishful thinking, I thought that would be the door open to everyone understanding, or maybe the key to me finally learning the normal way of communicating. Turns out, Abraham was just a person who how to speak several languages, even the ones from a different planet. And realizing that, is a slap in the face.

I want to be understood, I want to be heard. Just as any other person would. Because in the end, we are all human. We all need to be loved. We all need attention > we all need to be heard.
Call me self-centered for focusing on me, but I need to be heard, and I don’t feel heard.
Sure, people listen to me, but they don’t understand me. They nod while I’m talking, they even lie to me and say ‘yeah of course, I understand’ and afterwards it must be done.

When someone said to me ‘I’ll be there for you’ he kind of meant ‘I’ll buy you a lollipop and everything will be better’
But when that person said ‘I’ll be there for you’ all I heard was ‘I want to make the emotional connection with you, support you emotionally, listen to you, make a bond’
To be honest, fuck the lollipop, it won’t make shit better. LISTEN to me. Hug me, BE THERE FOR ME.

In the end, the ironic thing is, I’m probably the only one bothered by this. (I’m not counting the other people with (for instance) ptsd issue’s, but only myself and my environment)
Because the average 21-year-old, would maybe love a lollipop, and maybe it would be better after that.
I’m an outcast for needing the emotional connection. Really feeling the bond of that person with me.

And all the above, the realization of all this, is painful, makes me ache, makes me cry, makes Brenda upset, makes me long for Brandon, makes me long for some form of stability.

Therapy today didn’t go all too well. Think a lot of things might have had an influence, but I think one of them might be that Brandon doesn’t work on Monday and there wasn’t really any other  save person available.

xoxo
Brianna

Edit;
Rational part wants to add something 😉
I realize something has set me off today to be thinking like this. Because frankly I have had a good past few days.
I feel I need to say a few things. This, what I wrote above, is very straight to the point, blunt and full of emotion. Pain, loneliness… and this is what it looks like, how it feels like, what I’m thinking when I’m going through it.
I do think something has triggered me today to be thinking like this, and of course the friend in person, to whom I’m talking to in this blog post (figuratively) is the main situation. So as my tired head is trying to say is that there was this situation of non understanding (trigger) > feelings of pain loneliness > thoughts as you can see above
And I think, the trigger, was a trigger, because not being heard or FEELING like I’m not being heard, is something that really sets me off.