I didn’t sign up for this!


It’s almost  6 am. I am sitting on the couch typing this, and I am actually ready to go to therapy. However, I am still tired.
First of all, I didn’t go for the legal advice yesterday, I figured I’m just too tired.

But.. the reason why I’m writing, I had a nightmare. (Which isn’t weird when you suffer from ptsd but..) I am going back and forth between ‘adult’ thinking ‘ah well.. sucks..’ (< to be continued though) and child thinking ‘what the hell? what about this medication I’m taking against nightmares? I want to ring the psychiatrist right now!’

This child part of me is really upset and indignant.
It wasn’t just any nightmare to be honest. It was a nightmare like I had when I was little. The same characters (a witch, a leopard, a spider).  Now that I’m awake I don’t recall knowing the people, but in my dream I knew the people who I was with. But they just didn’t care about me.
Now this might be triggering. The point is, the same thing happened. The witch chased me away (in my childhood dream she chased me away from my house) from this weird big-ass home. Which made me flee, I decided to jump into the water, which magically made me invisible for the which, but unfortunately, as usual, there was the leopard (the witch ALWAYS chased me away, INTO the arms of the leopard?!) and he was petrified underwater, but I just knew, if I looked at him too long, he’d wake up (the leopard always did abusive stuff to me and I knew this in my dream). So I kept on swimming, I felt like I was drowning, no air, still terrified. And I did this weird thing with my legs to wake my body up.

And then I woke up thinking ‘what the hell just happened?’
Although the environment in the dream was totally different every symbol in it, was exactly the same as my childhood nightmares.

So, back to the ‘adult’ thinking, although I’m doubting if I can even call it adult thinking. How am I ever gonna sleep again right?
My head is like; how about never?
But right now I’m already dog tired. So I got a plan.
Tonight! I will take my crisis medication it will knock me out into a dreamless sleep.
Thursday a friend will come over and stay the night (hurray for me, because he will be my security blanket for the night)

However! Thursday the psychiatrist is mine. No seriously, I’m calling him. And I want to up the dose of my topomax. I am scared to death of nightmares.


Foggy mind


I am going to try to write how the confusion in my head takes place.
I don’t know if this is due to the dissociation/triggers/flashbacks or just stupidity (well, I know it’s not that, but I just thought it’d be funny to say that).

I know a day is just a day, with 24 hours in it.

But honestly, I don’t know if I ever make the 24 hours. My body is there, here, in the present, here on the couch in 2014. But my mind/spirit/head (whatever you want to call it), floats off, leaving my body, staring into the distance, and my mind leaves me, I can not follow where it’s going, it leaves into forgetfulness. Sometimes I wish it would just stay there, because whenever it comes back (which it always does), it comes back hurt. Broken, full of pain, triggered. I find myself depressed, sometimes I start to cry, sometimes flashbacks start coming, sometimes self loathe washes over me, sometimes triggers come out of nowhere (things I that just can’t, like the smell of my father, I just had it 30 minutes ago (had to pause writing this actually), he’s not here, and hasn’t been here). I don’t know where my mind has been.

Sometimes a day, which technically has 24 hours, feels like 2 day’s. Sometimes when my mind comes back, I remember.. or actually notice I have to go to the toilet very urgent. Or I am very hungry. Sometimes my muscles are painful. Most of the times I am exhausted.

I do try to stay in the present by doing things. I really do! My mind is something I can not seem to grab or hold on to, it comes and goes and slips through anything. It takes back terrible things I do not want to remember. It leaves me here sitting on the couch like a dead casket. Lately, when my mind comes back, I realize, I’m freezing cold.

My tummy aches, body memories I guess. Brenda screams, or just cries silently with her security blanket covered over her mouth.

But I do try to stay in the present, by for instance reading stuff, but even reading can be hard. Just reading a simple sentence, just reading the words, and have my head define the words into meaningful things that are understandable. Sometimes I find myself reading 1 simple sentence over and over again. I can try to make a conversation with people, but as you can see (especially face to face this is terrible!) it is very hard. In real life, I am often too ashamed to keep asking ‘what?’

I’ve been in this state since friday. Since that trigger. I’ve been having triggers all over the place. My mind has been floating in and out. I haven’t even showered in 2 weeks (nasty right? I am so terrified to even go into the bathroom).

Ah, just daily life. Staying in the present is hard enough. Trying to live is hard enough. Trying to meet my body’s ‘needs’ (eat/drink/toilet) is hard enough.



PTSD is taking all of my energy


So today had to be a normal day.
But even the most normal things are hard for me to do.

Big troubles with anxiety, flashbacks and dissociation today and I feel totally worn out right now. I’m ready to start crying like a baby and scream till someone comes and picks me up and takes me to bed.

PTSD is taking all of my energy. I feel  I can’t afford to slip much further.. I feel drained. Like I’ve been tapped… Someone has taken all of my blood but somehow still expects me to keep on living.
And the fun part is.. I get to sleep now, but sleep + night-time, never really means rest to me. So probably around 7 am (when it’s a little lighter outside) I’ll get some good sleep, till hopefully noon. And then, survive the saturday…

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets… ?


My current feelings about therapy

I feel like a disgrace , a failure. A shame for the treatment centre I’m at , I ruined their good recovery rates . And it feels like only Brandon fights for me , can get quiet. But what is a psychiatric nurse against a clinical psychologist ? Beyond that nurse me offer the stability and the psychologist drives me insane. I fear for my “future” , the treatment centre feels like my home , the place where I am understood, where I know people . I am completely myself , and that is wrong . Regarding Brandon ( the nurse ) it’s all stable , he will think I’m moving forward, opener. But the psychologist / therapist gets me down , I get in terrible crisis after talks with her , and then have the nurse ‘ need ‘ to calm me.
I know that if it were up to him , my place there until May as agreed . But who is he compared to the practitioner ?
I hope that Monday is okay , the conversation between me and my therapist , and the treatment coordinator of the department still allows me to be there. But all those little signals show me that they do not like me , she hates me , she wants me away (the treatment coordinator)
All signs indicate that I have a normal reaction to an abnormal situation . What is going so wrong with my psychologist / therapist ? And I get the idea that she’s too proud to admit that she might not be able to handle it. Nurse will always stand as a rock , no matter what storm is going through me , he’s steady always the same , always predictable . I know he does not condemn me , I know 100 % .
Regarding my therapist / psychologist , I seem to want to do everything to make her like me. So that she’ll find me nice and sweet, she thinks I’m a nice person. But most of the time she makes me so angry that I wish she did not work there and she immediately stopped and I just can go to H. ( other practitioner ) and that she likes me and it ‘ll be fine. But I feel unwanted by the ‘ importance  ‘ people. The nurse all like me I guess .. they are nice. But the therapists and the treatment coordinator .. I ‘m afraid they hate me . They don’t want me. I ‘m too awkward .
What I do not dare to admit , I do not dare say out loud, what I fear ;
I ‘m scared and almost 100 % sure that I should be away from my safe place .

And I decay in old thoughts;
“Please, do not send me away. I’ll be nice, I will not cry and be angry. I will do anything you ask of me, but please do not send me away. I will be the perfect client. Tell me how, and I’ll do it. But please …. do not ditch me ‘


Nothing’s fine, I’m torn

Typed a whole lot.. then deleted it. It’s just me nagging about my life.
Not knowing what to do next. Not knowing how long it will take. Feeling lonely. Angry. Helpless. Sad.

Come and rescue me, I’m burning can’t you see?

I need a rescuer, I really do. Not someone who will do it for me. But someone who will stand next to me. Hold my hand. Hug me. Who I can see face-to-face, laugh with. Watch movies with. Go for drinks with. Someone who is near me and despite all my flaws, still believes in me. Someone who limits me when I’m crossing the line. Someone who encourages me when I’m doing well. Someone who I can talk to.

Don’t say it’s not possible. Because I really don’t believe you can do this all by yourself. Not with 1 talk a week of 45 minutes. And nobody else around you. Rotting away on your couch. I really believe you need to have a person who supports you in your life (outside of treatment) and who lives near. Well, I do. Social contact is a primary necessity of life for me.

I wanna believe you

When you tell me that it will be okay, yeah I try to believe you… but I dont.


Just got back from therapy. Again a cry day.
Well the day went ok, did dissociate in my talk with Brandon, but I was able to tell him, so he got me some water (which i didn’t drink) and talked about silly stuff. After 30 minutes I was able to stand up again. (feel so stupid when that happens 😦 ) and we ended the talk.The other girls were ready aswell so we just started eating lunch.

After that we had a sort of resilience training. But it focusses a lot on your body of course, so Brenda was already very screamy and stuff so I decided to sit on the bench and watch the others. Which was ok.
Then we closed the day with a sort of talk together (we do that every week) with a nurse and I told her I was very scared for the weekend. Because I always seem to slip down. And then I remembered… tomorrow the gynecologist. So I freaked out, bursted in to tears (IN THE GROUP-_-) and couldn’t stop. So I went to Brandon again. We made a plan, i’m gonna call him at 11 am (the appointment is at 11.30) and then we’ll talk again after. We made notes of what I can say (and am able to say), it’s too difficult for me to use some words that literally describe the abuse (especially in Dutch) so I’ll use the word abuse if she asks, but not the dutch word. I just can’t get that out of my mouth.

Paragraph might be triggering!
I am so afraid, I’m sorry, but I am. I know she is a sweet person. Last time I was there (without the narcosis) she was noticing I was in a lot of pain (well I was crying and stuff) and she stopped saying ‘youre in too much pain, I don’t feel good about pushing further’ so she decided to do it with the narcosis the next time. Now I’m still having problems with the stupid IUD well, my stupid uterus. And Brandon told me it would be good for me if I can ask her to look for any ‘damages’ because of the abuse. I’m really going to die if she finds something. I’m sorry for being such a drama queen. But anyway, to find something she’ll have to open up the whole thing. With that stupid thing she uses to open up the whole fucking thing and omg, I freak out by only thinking of it. I think I’m gonna take my security blanket. My mum will be in the waiting room, but I don’t want her in. I do feel its her fault im there in the first place :$ She could help me talk about what happened.. but I don’t know.. I feel too ashamed. Too gross.
I am not crying right now, but I can feel myself holding back the tears. I’m sorry but Brenda is kinda on the background, but she IS crying and it’s weird but i feel her fear and upset-ness.

I’m going to lie in bed for now. I just dont know what else to do. Gonna eat something just to take away the fear. Focus on the damn chips or something. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I’m sorry this is anything but positive, but I’m so scared now. I’m going to read back my last post about how CPTSD feels for me and especially read the positive things and then just go nap for a while with a movie or something like that.


Take a look through my eyes


I just had (another..) trigger. I get the feeling people (around me at least) don’t understand what is triggering and how it feels to be triggered.

So to me this is triggering, I don’t know about any of you, but I do want to say this before I go into it.

I’m going to try to explain this from my point of view for people who have no clue about whats going on in my mind/body. The actual facts, I’ll write like this. The feelings and thoughts like this. Ready? 😉

A little background information;
My mum has a boyfriend, they live together. I used to live with them as well. He reminds me of my father, in almost every way. They don’t look-alike, I always say he’s the Dutch version of my father. So their behaviour and appearance looks alike to me. Which is very triggering for me. But I’ll get into that later.
On sunday’s I always try to eat at my moms, or at least go visit my moms. Since I have hardly any friends, the weekend is always very isolated for me.

My mum texted me if I wanted to go get some fries (she was going to make me lasagna (Which is my favourite)). The fries she was talking about are delicious, so I kinda jumped up from the couch, totally excited. But then I asked; ‘why?’ My mum said; ‘Richard (her boyfriend) wants to get some and asked me if you wanted to come along’ Instantly the excitement cooled off. I do want to like my ‘stepfather’ but he just triggers me soooo many times. I have really had terrible crisis in the past because of something that happened between him and me, once leading up to me locked away in a psych ward against my will. (To be clear, he does not abuse me! He hits me with his words. He’s really rough, and makes hard comments, I’m really a pussy so that does not match)
But the fear of ‘what if…’ rose in me. I have been having a good day so far.. soooo what if he triggers me. I don’t even know what might happen, I might snap out at him, or just at myself. The feeling of me snapping out. The feeling of being overwhelmed by so much emotion and feelings, I don’t even have a word for them. They just wash all over me, and i can not swim. I drown. I literally lose all control. I’m in total panic and there is no one who can help me. So I might as well take my blade with me, just in case. / Then I thought; well this is ridiculous, I’m not gonna take a blade just to feel save to get some fries! Me; ‘No mum, I don’t think its a good idea. I have had a really bad day yesterday, really slipping back. Right now I’m stable but still feeling shaky. I’m afraid I might get triggered’ My mum; ‘I’ll go with you. We’ll drive there (in his car) and eat something and come back.’ Brenda; NOOOOOOOO. Me; oh no… this isn’t good. In that car. Small space. With him. No where to hide. I feel so small. I can’t do anything. I wont be in control. He’ll have the control over me. I wont be able to do anything. I know I’ll feel frozen. I’ll be stuck. Help. Mum, please no. Me; ‘Well, I was really hoping to eat lasagna.’ Mummy  I don’t want to. Please… don’t ask anymore. Mum; ‘I’ll cook that later for you, then you can take it home’ Brenda is crying, i can feel her despair, trapped like an animal in a small cage. Me; ‘no…’ Breathe.. Its ok. I’m still at home. Its 2013. i’m save right now Mum; Well then we’ll pick you up on our way home. (So that I can go eat the lasagna at my moms) No, please no. I don’t want to get in a car with him. Too small. no space. He is in control. I can not breathe. Every inch of my body was feeling fear. I did look around and see my own home, but I also saw me sitting in the car. My mum in front of me. Him behind the wheel. Me feeling helpless, not being able to influence anything (like going home directly, or just having someone to calm me down) (I have been in these situations before. He triggered me, my mum knew, but did nothing. I sat in the back of the car, crying. Going insane because of the terrible feelings which I can not even describe, I guess its fear. Just having to surrender to him and where he wanted to go, and not being able to get out.) Me; ‘ :'(‘ (cry emotion). My mum; ‘Do you want me to pick you up alone?’ Yes.. no.. I don’t want to go to your place anymore. Help me. Someone help me. Please. (I was crying and so scared. And of what? There wasnt anything going on at that moment. Just me discussing with my mum about what to do) 

Well.. she’s going to pick me up within half an hour. I’m scared. I did calm down.. a bit I guess. Brenda is sad and scared, wants to grab a stuffed animal. She knows I have a lot of them in my bedroom. But I’m not allowed to use those.. because I had them when I was a child and might trigger me. I can’t Brenda, I’m sorry.. I’ll get us through this. She doesn’t believe me though.. and why should she? I’ve never really proven myself. Yeah, I do get out of stuff alive (while it feels like I’m dying (just to make it clear, I am not dying, but the emotions are so big and the memories and everything is uncontrollable. It’s so much, I just can handle it, neither can Brenda). But I never have control over the situation. I’m not in charge. I’m the small child. The little girl you can push around. I wont say a word. She knows that. I’ll just let it come over me, move me, hurt me (just with words and actions (the actions don’t include me though)) and try to fix myself when I get home.

I know it seems a bit vague, I do make a lot of long blogs so I don’t want to go into detail about the ‘action’ but I don’t want to give the wrong impression either. I know it’s not a big deal. It’s just another trigger to me. Richard likes to take of his pants and sit in his boxers. That triggers the shit out of me. (My mum has talked to him about this 2 months ago, and he hasn’t done it since, when I’m around) but its actions like that I can’t compete with. Once, I grabbed all my strength and courage, when he asked ‘Does someone have a problem with me taking of my pants?’ It was SO hard, but I said ‘yeah.. I kinda do’ he said; ‘Well its so hot, I’m just gonna do it anyway’. There it was again. I was powerless. Nothing I could do, or say that would change the situation. (Yeah walk away, but I’m petrified by then. Not able to move. Just tears streaming down my face (which of course my mum ignores, though she’s sitting next to me). By the way, he almost never asks that! Normally he’s more like ‘I’m going to take off my pants, if someone has a problem with it (its only my mum and me, so obviously he’s talking to me) they can just look the other way’.

So, this is a trigger.
I feel weird posting this. Because it’s very personal, and I know it doesn’t make much sense. Why would I get so frightened of just sitting in a car with him? He didn’t do a thing.
Why don’t I just stop going there?

Honestly? I would love to.
But my mum…. she wants me there. My sister doesn’t come there anymore because Richard drove her away with his terrible comments, which hurt her so much, and my mum did nothing. I don’t blame her, its good that she stays far away. Its saver for her. My mum still isn’t willing to stick up for my sister, so I guess she’s gotta protect herself by not coming near him anymore.

It’s all very complicated peeps. It seems so simple ‘step up for yourself’. I feel so weak though, like I’m still that small child. That 4-year-old, just letting it all wash over her, Wait till it’s over. Then crawl back into my bed/room/another ‘save’ place, and try to pick up the pieces that shattered this time.

Well, I better get dressed. I’m still in my pyjama’s.. and wait till my mum gets here.
On the positive side, I get to see her cat again. He’s very cute, still a kitten, though he’s growing very fast.
I’ll probably go home right after dinner. Make myself comfortable on the couch with a blanket, and go to bed early.

Though I know it seems negative. And maybe it is. I do believe this isn’t all that life has for me (and maybe you). I have to struggle through this. I have to believe I’m not that small child anymore. I have to grow up. I can and I will.

Cause now I’m stronger than yesterday


Am I handling this well?

Tears stream down on your face when you lose something you can’t replace


Sorry for the depressive opening, its how I feel right now. Not in control. Alone. Lost.
I guess the trigger from last night hit me harder than expected. I found myself glued to the couch because I was too afraid to go to bed. I did eventually, I took a sedative (diazepam) and went to sleep. I slept great, long, deep and dreamless. Just the way I like it. So I woke up good.
However then it totally went down hill. There wasn’t anything special that could’ve hit me today what could cause this feeling. Maybe the trigger yesterday evening was like the final drop? I don’t even know.

I have been dissociating a lot. I can’t recall 2/3 of the day so far. I havent been doing anything weird, just hanging around the house. (I know I can do weird things when I’m dissociating, the balcony door is locked and the key hidden, so that can’t be it. My body is fine, I don’t have any bruises/cuts. I ever go out the front door, so my guess is I’ve stayed inside).
I’m not feeling that bad though, just numb I guess. Not feeling the need to move. But I’m not tired.. I don’t see why I should go to bed, because I’m not tired (its 9 pm here). Kinda down.

However I don’t know how to react in these kind of situations. Should I be going outside? Should I take it slow? Think about the cause, or try not to?

I was supposed to clean the litter box today, I’m trying to build a schedule where I do once a week, and my mum the rest. Week after week, I do one day more, until I’m the only one.
I’m so scared of doing it, I really don’t want to. Brenda starts to whine when I think about doing it. I’m so scared of feeling the same way I did yesterday evening. So I’m not going to. Or is that stupid? Does that mean I’m avoiding it? Should I confront my fear? Or go with my hunch of doing that another time when I feel more stable? But then again, I’m never really stable.

I have so many questions for Betty/Brandon. I get to talk to her on monday, but we have 45 minutes and I feel I have more things to discuss.
– What can I do when I’m having a flashback? As far as I know; just let it be & it’ll go away. But its hard… and once makes me exhausted, twice desperate and thrice I lose my sanity.
– What should I do with the litter box? Clean it, and face the feeling afterwards or not?
– What to do about my mum? About her snapping out and reaching her limit.
– Was it ok for me to take the sedative friday night or should I have endured the feeling till it went away?
– I want to ask her if I can have her email address so that I could maybe write things down and send them to her so that’s she’s aware of it. (Not the stuff that needs direct attention, then I’ll call. But maybe questions like these)
(Then the normal questions)
– What happens after may 2014, where am I going?
– Do you think we can start EMDR treatment soon?
– What did you guys say about me in my evaluation?
– How do you think I’m doing? Am I moving forward?
– Can you PLEASE give me some advice on my uterus? (That thing has been giving me trouble since I got my first period. Plus the cramps trigger me. It’s not just while I’m having my period, that stupid uterus pains me all month-long)

Oh I also want to make an appointment with the psychiatrist about my medication. I kinda want something like diazepam for this kind of situations. But I’m not sure Betty will agree, because I need to endure the pain. But like i said before, the third time I really lose my sanity. So maybe I could endure it two times, and then take my medication. Then again, two times & medication. Or is that just stupid? I don’t want to avoid anything, but I do want to make it bearable.
Betty assured me there is no feeling in the world that could kill me or make me lose it. I am strong enough to withstand the feeling. Maybe I should put some kind of reminder somewhere so that I might see it when I’m being overwhelmed by emotion.

I don’t even know what the hell is wrong right now?
It’s not like I’m processing, because I don’t feel pain.. just numb/depressiveness. I’m not even aware if I’m pushing some feeling aside.

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