Foggy mind

Hi,

I am going to try to write how the confusion in my head takes place.
I don’t know if this is due to the dissociation/triggers/flashbacks or just stupidity (well, I know it’s not that, but I just thought it’d be funny to say that).

I know a day is just a day, with 24 hours in it.

But honestly, I don’t know if I ever make the 24 hours. My body is there, here, in the present, here on the couch in 2014. But my mind/spirit/head (whatever you want to call it), floats off, leaving my body, staring into the distance, and my mind leaves me, I can not follow where it’s going, it leaves into forgetfulness. Sometimes I wish it would just stay there, because whenever it comes back (which it always does), it comes back hurt. Broken, full of pain, triggered. I find myself depressed, sometimes I start to cry, sometimes flashbacks start coming, sometimes self loathe washes over me, sometimes triggers come out of nowhere (things I that just can’t, like the smell of my father, I just had it 30 minutes ago (had to pause writing this actually), he’s not here, and hasn’t been here). I don’t know where my mind has been.

Sometimes a day, which technically has 24 hours, feels like 2 day’s. Sometimes when my mind comes back, I remember.. or actually notice I have to go to the toilet very urgent. Or I am very hungry. Sometimes my muscles are painful. Most of the times I am exhausted.

I do try to stay in the present by doing things. I really do! My mind is something I can not seem to grab or hold on to, it comes and goes and slips through anything. It takes back terrible things I do not want to remember. It leaves me here sitting on the couch like a dead casket. Lately, when my mind comes back, I realize, I’m freezing cold.

My tummy aches, body memories I guess. Brenda screams, or just cries silently with her security blanket covered over her mouth.

But I do try to stay in the present, by for instance reading stuff, but even reading can be hard. Just reading a simple sentence, just reading the words, and have my head define the words into meaningful things that are understandable. Sometimes I find myself reading 1 simple sentence over and over again. I can try to make a conversation with people, but as you can see (especially face to face this is terrible!) it is very hard. In real life, I am often too ashamed to keep asking ‘what?’

I’ve been in this state since friday. Since that trigger. I’ve been having triggers all over the place. My mind has been floating in and out. I haven’t even showered in 2 weeks (nasty right? I am so terrified to even go into the bathroom).

Ah, just daily life. Staying in the present is hard enough. Trying to live is hard enough. Trying to meet my body’s ‘needs’ (eat/drink/toilet) is hard enough.

xoxo
Brianna

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A lot of clutter

Hi,

I’m really confused about everything. I don’t even know where to start or how to write it down.
Trying to take everything in baby steps. Right now I’m going to take a nap (to make sure I do get my rest, since I am too scared to sleep ok during the night).
I am planning to put my alarm around 4 pm and then to clean my house a little. After that dinner.. a little computer stuff and hopefully sleep (You know, I’ve been saying that every damn day, and I never fall a sleep before 3 am & I wake up ridiculously early)

Tried calling Betty today, but she’s free today (normally she does work but I guess because of the holiday).

Being confused right now is too much. I am afraid of dissociating, but I can’t stop it. So by taking my rest I do hope I’ll avoid it. I really don’t have the words to explain the confusion. Everything is a big blur. A 2013 blur, but a blur. But even by saying that, I don’t feel I cover the whole confusion.

Anyway, off to my nap now.

xoxo
Brianna

Dissociation?

Hello peeps,

I have had a very weird day. It’s been a while since I’ve been so confused about time and everything. I really don’t know what it is, so for now I’ll call it dissociation, if someone disagrees, feel free to tell me! I really don’t know what it is, hopefully i’ll have time discussing it with Betty monday. 

Well, first thing, I’m very confused.
Basically I know it’s about 2013, and I know my week schedule. Monday; Therapy. Tuesday; Home counselor. Wednesday; Therapy. Thursday; home counselor. Friday; groceries.
I know I’m in my own home, I know this is my home and in what town I am. The date is not that important, the only thing that is important is the day of the week.

That is it, simple as that. But I’m very confused about what day it is. I always have my mobile phone with me, for these kind of things. But when I woke up today I really had no clue of what day it was. Then I saw thursday on my mobile phone and I knew my home counselor (I’ll call her Polly) is coming over at 1 pm. So I was really tired, I guess because of therapy yesterday, but it stays with me the next day, the tired-ness. So I slept till 12.45 pm and got out of bed, but Polly never came. So at 01.20 pm I texted her about our appointment, but she never answered, so I got really insecure and called my mom to asked about what day it is. She didn’t pick up her phone. My phone still said its Thursday. I was VERY confused, at 1.45 I send her a text saying ‘I guess today’s appointment is off, the next one in my agenda is next thursday at 12 pm, is that correct?’ Within 5 minutes I got a text back saying ‘That’s correct, see you then’. So uhhh what about today’s appointment, did I dream it? Was she here but did I dissociate? I don’t even know. 😦 

Then I saw on Facebook someone congratulating a Mary (Which is my mothers name) so then I went; SHIT its her birthday and I forgot 😦 damn!!….. oh wait.. then its my birthday too? (we’re born on the same day) how old am I ? Then I saw the last name of that Mary wasn’t the same as my moms.. so I calmed down.

This is about the big confusing stuff. 
There were little things like my front door being locked (I never lock it, when I’m at home) so that was weird. My security blanket lying somewhere I would never leave it. It’s just something odd, all explainable by things I must have forgotten, but they’re so out of my routine stuff, that it’s just impossible to do that while I am me (Brianna)

So.. besides that. I’ve lost a lot of time during the day. Just gone. 
My mom picked me up around 6 pm to go eat somewhere, but I needed some groceries so we went to the supermarket first. Before I left, I knew Brenda was being annoying. However she kept pushing me away to take over (this is way I KNOW I do not have DID/DIS), sometimes when she ‘takes over’, I know she does. I’m still there, I just can’t do anything about it. So I know, I went into the car, sat next to my mom, and started whining about everything. You know, I have NO idea what she’s whining about or what she’s thinking, it’s just annoying for me to be aware of me acting like that my mom asking ‘whats wrong?’ and me (Brenda) saying; i don’t know. The whole ride to the supermarket she/i was restless, stretching legs, pulling them, turning my head, ticking with my fingers etc. I know restless-ness is a sign of me that I do not feel well (mentally). Brenda kept moaning and sighing and crying softly and saying ‘I don’t want to/no/i dont know/please no/mummy please’ and it was somewhere triggering me because I can imagine what she must have felt or thought or relived. Its weird I guess to explain, but Brenda controls 2/3 of me and I control 1/3. I did get the upper hand back eventually, but by then I am exhausted. I feel very powerless, acting like that and not being able to do anything. I literally can’t break through. When I’m at home (alone), this happens a lot, but then its ok. She can just go whine and drag me with her, lie on the couch/in bed, talking like a small child etc. But when there is someone else around me, I fight my best to keep her in the back as much as possible, but when she breaks through, I fight and fight to get back the control, but I just can’t 😦 it makes me feel so helpless and makes me (Brianna) want to cry and crawl into bed. 
This is a situation where I am able to see and know what I am doing/saying but not able to influence it.
I do have moments where I black out totally.

It’s so hard to explain. I’m still very tired.

I just don’t know what to do about it. Except give in into what Brenda wants, which is lying in bed with my security blanket and let a tear out every now and then. But sometimes I’m not in a place where I can do that. 

It makes me doubt what the hell is wrong with me?

Like my last blog post, I said I wanted to sit on the ground and cry till someone would pick me up. I know that’s what Brenda wants. But I have the upper hand so I can be like ‘no we wont do that’. Sigh… you know, I don’t even know whats going on anymore. 

Its Thursday right? Yeah.. my laptop says it is. 

Gonna go to bed early today. Hopefully I’ll feel more rested tomorrow. 

xoxo
Brianna 

ps, It’s happening again! Well, that weird stuff. My head is very cloudy. I feel a little stoned :/ but not funny-like. Like I took my crisis medication. I’m getting restless and stuff.  Jesus. What the actual hell? Just stop!!!!!!!