I just had (another..) trigger. I get the feeling people (around me at least) don’t understand what is triggering and how it feels to be triggered.
So to me this is triggering, I don’t know about any of you, but I do want to say this before I go into it.
I’m going to try to explain this from my point of view for people who have no clue about whats going on in my mind/body. The actual facts, I’ll write like this. The feelings and thoughts like this. Ready? 😉
A little background information;
My mum has a boyfriend, they live together. I used to live with them as well. He reminds me of my father, in almost every way. They don’t look-alike, I always say he’s the Dutch version of my father. So their behaviour and appearance looks alike to me. Which is very triggering for me. But I’ll get into that later.
On sunday’s I always try to eat at my moms, or at least go visit my moms. Since I have hardly any friends, the weekend is always very isolated for me.
My mum texted me if I wanted to go get some fries (she was going to make me lasagna (Which is my favourite)). The fries she was talking about are delicious, so I kinda jumped up from the couch, totally excited. But then I asked; ‘why?’ My mum said; ‘Richard (her boyfriend) wants to get some and asked me if you wanted to come along’ Instantly the excitement cooled off. I do want to like my ‘stepfather’ but he just triggers me soooo many times. I have really had terrible crisis in the past because of something that happened between him and me, once leading up to me locked away in a psych ward against my will. (To be clear, he does not abuse me! He hits me with his words. He’s really rough, and makes hard comments, I’m really a pussy so that does not match)
But the fear of ‘what if…’ rose in me. I have been having a good day so far.. soooo what if he triggers me. I don’t even know what might happen, I might snap out at him, or just at myself. The feeling of me snapping out. The feeling of being overwhelmed by so much emotion and feelings, I don’t even have a word for them. They just wash all over me, and i can not swim. I drown. I literally lose all control. I’m in total panic and there is no one who can help me. So I might as well take my blade with me, just in case. / Then I thought; well this is ridiculous, I’m not gonna take a blade just to feel save to get some fries! Me; ‘No mum, I don’t think its a good idea. I have had a really bad day yesterday, really slipping back. Right now I’m stable but still feeling shaky. I’m afraid I might get triggered’ My mum; ‘I’ll go with you. We’ll drive there (in his car) and eat something and come back.’ Brenda; NOOOOOOOO. Me; oh no… this isn’t good. In that car. Small space. With him. No where to hide. I feel so small. I can’t do anything. I wont be in control. He’ll have the control over me. I wont be able to do anything. I know I’ll feel frozen. I’ll be stuck. Help. Mum, please no. Me; ‘Well, I was really hoping to eat lasagna.’ Mummy I don’t want to. Please… don’t ask anymore. Mum; ‘I’ll cook that later for you, then you can take it home’ Brenda is crying, i can feel her despair, trapped like an animal in a small cage. Me; ‘no…’ Breathe.. Its ok. I’m still at home. Its 2013. i’m save right now Mum; Well then we’ll pick you up on our way home. (So that I can go eat the lasagna at my moms) No, please no. I don’t want to get in a car with him. Too small. no space. He is in control. I can not breathe. Every inch of my body was feeling fear. I did look around and see my own home, but I also saw me sitting in the car. My mum in front of me. Him behind the wheel. Me feeling helpless, not being able to influence anything (like going home directly, or just having someone to calm me down) (I have been in these situations before. He triggered me, my mum knew, but did nothing. I sat in the back of the car, crying. Going insane because of the terrible feelings which I can not even describe, I guess its fear. Just having to surrender to him and where he wanted to go, and not being able to get out.) Me; ‘ :'(‘ (cry emotion). My mum; ‘Do you want me to pick you up alone?’ Yes.. no.. I don’t want to go to your place anymore. Help me. Someone help me. Please. (I was crying and so scared. And of what? There wasnt anything going on at that moment. Just me discussing with my mum about what to do)
Well.. she’s going to pick me up within half an hour. I’m scared. I did calm down.. a bit I guess. Brenda is sad and scared, wants to grab a stuffed animal. She knows I have a lot of them in my bedroom. But I’m not allowed to use those.. because I had them when I was a child and might trigger me. I can’t Brenda, I’m sorry.. I’ll get us through this. She doesn’t believe me though.. and why should she? I’ve never really proven myself. Yeah, I do get out of stuff alive (while it feels like I’m dying (just to make it clear, I am not dying, but the emotions are so big and the memories and everything is uncontrollable. It’s so much, I just can handle it, neither can Brenda). But I never have control over the situation. I’m not in charge. I’m the small child. The little girl you can push around. I wont say a word. She knows that. I’ll just let it come over me, move me, hurt me (just with words and actions (the actions don’t include me though)) and try to fix myself when I get home.
I know it seems a bit vague, I do make a lot of long blogs so I don’t want to go into detail about the ‘action’ but I don’t want to give the wrong impression either. I know it’s not a big deal. It’s just another trigger to me. Richard likes to take of his pants and sit in his boxers. That triggers the shit out of me. (My mum has talked to him about this 2 months ago, and he hasn’t done it since, when I’m around) but its actions like that I can’t compete with. Once, I grabbed all my strength and courage, when he asked ‘Does someone have a problem with me taking of my pants?’ It was SO hard, but I said ‘yeah.. I kinda do’ he said; ‘Well its so hot, I’m just gonna do it anyway’. There it was again. I was powerless. Nothing I could do, or say that would change the situation. (Yeah walk away, but I’m petrified by then. Not able to move. Just tears streaming down my face (which of course my mum ignores, though she’s sitting next to me). By the way, he almost never asks that! Normally he’s more like ‘I’m going to take off my pants, if someone has a problem with it (its only my mum and me, so obviously he’s talking to me) they can just look the other way’.
So, this is a trigger.
I feel weird posting this. Because it’s very personal, and I know it doesn’t make much sense. Why would I get so frightened of just sitting in a car with him? He didn’t do a thing.
Why don’t I just stop going there?
Honestly? I would love to.
But my mum…. she wants me there. My sister doesn’t come there anymore because Richard drove her away with his terrible comments, which hurt her so much, and my mum did nothing. I don’t blame her, its good that she stays far away. Its saver for her. My mum still isn’t willing to stick up for my sister, so I guess she’s gotta protect herself by not coming near him anymore.
It’s all very complicated peeps. It seems so simple ‘step up for yourself’. I feel so weak though, like I’m still that small child. That 4-year-old, just letting it all wash over her, Wait till it’s over. Then crawl back into my bed/room/another ‘save’ place, and try to pick up the pieces that shattered this time.
Well, I better get dressed. I’m still in my pyjama’s.. and wait till my mum gets here.
On the positive side, I get to see her cat again. He’s very cute, still a kitten, though he’s growing very fast.
I’ll probably go home right after dinner. Make myself comfortable on the couch with a blanket, and go to bed early.
Though I know it seems negative. And maybe it is. I do believe this isn’t all that life has for me (and maybe you). I have to struggle through this. I have to believe I’m not that small child anymore. I have to grow up. I can and I will.
Cause now I’m stronger than yesterday