I’m really on a roll today, just thinking… and trying to understand things.
I got a comment from a fellow blogger on WordPress which made me think (in a good way!). Betty once said to me because of the whole Abraham thing, that I am pointing my finger at him for leaving and stuff, but that I should look at my own part in it. I do hate that I don’t. But I really have trouble seeing it.
Sometimes it’s obvious. An ex of mine, yeah, I have been terrible. I know that. I am painfully aware of my own part in destroying what we had.
With Abraham, yeah I did blame him. I don’t anymore, but I do stand by what I said. I warned him numerous times to not ask me whats wrong because he can’t handle what I’d tell him. I told hem I’d be fine, but that he should just leave it. He didn’t, he pulled it out of me. Yeah, of course I had a choice to not tell him. But I guess he wouldn’t understand and maybe even got mad a little and just walk away. Now I told him, he helped me, which was too much for him and he walked away. Uhhh… where is this my fault? i’m sorry and I feel really stupid, but I really don’t see what I did wrong here. Yeah, I leaned on him like crazy, and that I shouldn’t have. I could’ve told him whats wrong. But just go to Betty the day after. I didn’t. He felt save(er) and more available, more involved and stuff. Ok… I do see the point here 😛 But I’m really not mad at him. But I used to be.
Uhm.. there was this (sort of) ex of mine.. hmmm… lets call him Bobby. I dated him when I was 16. I had hardly any experience with guys ‘my age’, he was 5 years older though I think. So when I saw him for the first time some sexual stuff happened. I was under the impression that meant we had a relationship. Which apparently we didn’t. He came over to my place when he wanted sex and he left right after that. Sure, red flags all over the place. We would have sex and I was just crying while he was doing his business and afterwards he’d be like ‘whats wrong?’. I could tell him numerous times I don’t feel ok having sex right now, I couldn’t explain him why and what was wrong with it, but I just wasn’t ok with it. He understood. Next time he came over, it happened again. I didn’t say no (my fault!!!!!!!! My part). I do feel a little double about this because of the age difference he ‘should have known’ that it wasn’t ok for him to try again. But then again, I didn’t say no and maybe the 1 time I did, he playfully got further and I didn’t tell him I didn’t want to. I’ve had contact with him on and off for years. He’d dump me when he found another girl and then contact me when she didn’t like him anymore. Stupid me, was happy enough with the ‘love’ I was getting so i let him back in. But the same stuff happened over and over again.
*fast forward to 2013*
I did have contact with him this year, uhm, I was a lot stronger than back then. I stated very clearly I only wanted to be friends and not friends-with-benefits. Whenever he made a pass at me, I would just put him back in his ‘place’. I know he’s been like this with his ex girlfriend as well. The girl he was dating before we got contact again in 2013. Whenever I was feeling upset and stuff, I could come to him, but he’d never know what to say and just make an inappropriate comment about sexual stuff he wants to do with me. It never felt ok, but I know he has a problem with is libido, its insanely high, he can’t help it. It did come to a point where he kinda put me in a corner and I just said ‘ok’ to him about something he wanted to do. When I told him later (we hadn’t done it yet) I didn’t feel ok about it, and I might get a lot of flashbacks and relive things, he’d be like ‘well you promised’. He could really get very angry with me for not wanting to anymore. Sometimes he would have this moment of clarity and tell me he loves me, and is sorry for his sexual behaviour and he knows he makes me do stuff that I actually don’t want to (he said this himself! I didn’t tell him!!). But the next day he could be like his old self again.
Ok. I can see where I made have made some mistakes. But how can it be wrong to give someone another chance? I know he has problems with his libido and that makes him act like that. Yeah, even in 2013 he hurt me A LOT. But he has an issue with his libido….. so I have to forgive him for that and give him another chance. He broke contact with me like a week ago. Honestly I think he’s back with his old girlfriend (he treated her really bad, and I told him that I didn’t think it was ok for him to do that, and he said he understuud), but it’s just a matter of time before I get an email from him again, asking how I’m doing and stuff (I bet I’ll have that email a year from now). Who am I, to not give him another chance? When he say’s he’s changed?
Sure. When this would happen to someone else, I’d be like ‘Uhh sweety you gotta wake up, he’s using you’ (that would be with someone else and I wouldn’t be involved in it). But I’m just not with myself. And isn’t it true you should give people a chance to change? shouldn’t I help him change? To stop being so hurtful to girls (I KNOW he has hurt a lot of them, he told me in his moments of clarity). And yeah, he tells me nice things. He knows me, he knows my drama queen modus, and he accepts it. Why shouldn’t I accept his ‘drama-queen-modus’? In my modus I don’t hurt him personally, that’s true. But… yeah.. you know. I just don’t know. I feel like I should give people the chance to do things differently the next time. Because I don’t think Bobby is a bad guy. He just acts really stupid sometimes.
Yeah, my tears over the years could fill a whole swimming pool. But does that mean that I should avoid contact with him when he contacts me again and it seems like he’s changed?
I am sure that I never want a relationship with him, I’ll never trust him to that position. However I do feel for him and want to be his friend. And I feel like (sometimes?) he cares for me to. But his libido just gets in the way.
How is it wrong to believe in the good? In the better? To trust like you’ve never been hurt?
When someone rejects me because of my cptsd without even knowing me. I’d be hurt. How can someone blame me for something someone else (with cptsd) had done to them? Dont I deserve a fair chance?
There are tons of red flags around the people I meet. And my standard have gone up VERY high. I don’t tolerate the standard things you see. People asking for pictures of your full body, or cup size stuff, how many sex partners I had. When someone says that to me right now, I’m like ‘Bye!’, not in a harsh way. But because I believe that’s a sign someone is looking for something else than me. And I know if I get involved in it, I wont be able to get out easily or without being hurt. I’m saying bye as soon as I can, because the longer I know the person, the harder it’ll be to say that bye and to set a boundary.
So I’m not naive…. but I do feel people deserve second chances and yeah Bobby had about 7 of them. But again, who am I to reject him on what his problem is, when he wont reject me for mine?
Do I trust like I’ve never been hurt? Yeah! But I don’t ignore the obvious signs I described above.
I want to believe, I need to believe, people only want good for everyone. Everyone deserves a fair chance.. don’t they? When is the chance not fair anymore? People can change.. I know I want to. And I’d really appreciate it if someone would give me another chance if I screwed something up.
What am I doing wrong?
Well sure, the leaning part I did on Abraham is definitely wrong.
But other than that, in the past year, I haven’t ignored the obvious signs like I did when I was younger and yet I keep getting hurt xD
You know that moment when everyone around you gets a joke and you dont and it makes you feel stupid? I feel like that right now. I feel the stupidest person on WordPress.. everyone see’s what I’m doing wrong, I just dont, haha. *shaking my head @ myself*
I should discuss it with Betty or Brandon. Put it on the list (which already contains 100 things) I need to discuss.
ps. What came to my mind! Somewhere this year, between Abraham walking away and me meeting up with Randy I got a message from a guy, everything seemed perfect but it just didn’t feel right. I really didn’t know why, but he wanted my number. I never responded…. I just couldn’t ignore the feeling that something was incredibly wrong. But back then, and right now, I didn’t/don’t know what it was. I guess I’ll never know.