Being raised by therapists

Hi,

A very tricky part for me is to explain what trauma does to a developing brain. I’m really not good at it. I’m going to try to give it a shot.
The abuse has been in my childhood for as long as I can remember, and experiencing trauma creates a stagnation in emotional development. So basically, as I see it, I do grow up and learn to talk and stuff, but emotionally I was stuck at the age of trauma. (which also explains the big troubles with emotions, children can not deal with emotions > trauma happened to me at a very young age > stagnation > emotional child)

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about or actually write/type… I feel like I am being raised by therapists. I remember getting into a therapy group when I was 16 and leaving at 17, I was there for 13 months and they taught me some few minimal basic stuff. Like when I was feeling something, I really did not know what the word was, that went with the feeling. They learned me, it was disappointment. It took me 13 months to learn the word disappointment with the feeling (and I’m not even talking about mentioning it while I’m feeling it huh 😉 )

It’s all these kind of small things, that therapists are teaching me. And actually I’m going from therapist to therapist, just switching and hopping from one to another. Bonding and breaking the bond.. hop on, op off.. 😉

Today I had my final talk with Betty (which means I will never see her again) and she asked me what I learned in my 18 months at the treatment centre there, the question was referred to the contact between me and my mother. I told her that I learned to apologize for my behaviour to my mother.
It’s a known fact that my mother irritates me sometimes, mostly it relates to my youth and it’s triggering. Which makes me burst and scream at her.
It took me (yep…) 18 months to learn to communicate with her and to tell her later on (when I’m calm again) ‘sorry momma for yelling at you, I was upset because of ……… but I didn’t mean to yell’
They told my mother to tell me what my yelling does with her and how it makes her feel and to accept my apology.
After that, we’re good again.
(Side note; my age is 22)

I also learned that apologizing for my behaviour does not mean apologizing for my feelings, because that’s not necessary. It’s just feeling angry does not give me the right to yell at my mother and I need to take responsibility for my actions. (Wow, they taught me well 😉 )

So, my biological mother and father can’t give me the parenting I need. But I sometimes really feel like I’ve got a lot of mothers (because most of my therapists are women) and a few dads. They do parent me. I just don’t get to keep them. Which is a shame sometimes.

xoxo
Brianna

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Sunday a day of stress

Hi,

Sunday is definitely not a day of rest for me. At some point I feel relieve, relieve because tomorrow will be monday again, which means Betty and/or Brandon are available again, but somehow it gives me a lot of stress as well. I don’t know if it’s just today or maybe because of this week, or most of the sunday’s. Anyway, the stress of a new week. With actually no real improvements ahead, no real things to look up to. Nothing really has changed. So it’ll just be the same, survival.

Today was a weird day. I have been a bit less dissociative I think, but just as that went away a little, the mood swings took place. I got so angry again. It’s really ridiculous how angry I can get, over nothing really. I can just burst out, and start cursing. Just explode like a volcano. If someone even asked me over what, they’d laugh because of my answer.

Thinking about therapy and wanting to switch therapists (way back, not right now anymore), it felt stupid. Because I’ll end up getting angry at them as well. It’s ridiculous, I could just go and look around and think to myself ‘oh, lets see, who do I want to hate next?’
I definitely do NOT want to get angry or upset, but it goes from 0 (completely chill, and calm) to 9 or 10 (I want to slap you in the face). There is just no in between. I don’t like being this way. And to be frank, I don’t like the dissociation as well.

I think I’m going to ask the psychiatrist for more topomax. They say (rumour has it) it’s a little bit of a moodstabilizer. Well, my ass, haven’t noticed any of it. With that something to keep me calm during the night, I know or I’ll just have to accept that it’s just too much to ask to go to sleep at a normal time, but right now I just want to be calm at night. The lorazepam helps me with that, so I’ll ask for some of that.

Tomorrow will be a very long day at therapy, I’ll be there from 09.00 am till 05.00 pm…. and as a dessert (from 04.00 till 05.00 pm) it’s a talk with the family therapist + my mum + my sister + me. I’m not even gonna put on make-up tomorrow, since I always cry at the family-sessions.

xoxo
Brianna

Disconnected from my body

Hi,

I don’t really know if I have written about this yet but I kind of wanted to sort thing out for myself and maybe help someone else with this.

I do think because of the abuse (of which I still have a lot of trouble going in to or even writing about it in detail) I have disconnected myself from my body. I actually don’t remember any different. I have always had a perfectly trained outside for social activities, as well as when I got forced into therapy. I remember reading back how they were surprised of not seeing any emotion on my face and how my voice was monotone all the time. I could talk about murdering people and keep a straight face, with a monotone voice. Which was shocking to them.
I never really connected with my body, looking back now. I did play sports, the one thing I truly loved (and still do) is field hockey and actually it’s the only sport I can really enjoy.

Other forms of exercise mostly trigger me, especially because I get aware of this body beneath my head.
To me, the ideal situation would be me just having a floating head. Unfortunately that’s not possible.

However not being aware of this body for more than 20 years has led to some stuff. Now when I do get aware of it, by for instance tummy-ache, or the flu, or simple tingle somewhere, it’s a trigger. My head explodes on the inside and everything becomes chaos, trying to push away whatever we’re feeling, because ‘OMG WE JUST FELT A FOOT’. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s very annoying. Of course things like a foot are less likely to trigger than for instant my tummy or a private part.

Whenever someone touches me, it can be an instant trigger as well. To be honest I do shake people’s hands. Which is ok, I don’t really like it, but ok. I do dislike having to kiss people on the cheek while greeting them. (I was raised in a very polite family in which I always had to do as I was told, and had to be the politest girl ever, so if the person wanted 3 kisses, I had to give three kisses.)
Most of the time the touching is ok right now, my mother is still a very tricky one, she can accidentally touch my foot (with her foot) and the whole chaos starts in my head (which triggers me and it can take an hour or sometimes 1,5 for me to calm down, but in the mean time, I have to play pretend with her, while avoiding all the physical interaction).

Right now there are literally 2 people in the world, who’s touch always has felt save. One of them was a girl at therapy (who left last year), we would hold each others hands when things would get rough and just squeeze in it, and I’d know she would tell me with the squeeze ‘I’m here, hold on’.. and I’d do the same with her. No words were needed. I would just reach out my hand.
The other person is Abraham, unfortunately I still see him as a save person and a save place on this earth. Someone who I can crawl into whenever it just gets too scary out here.

I don’t have any control over the tingling sensations in my body, it can be something in my face, on my arm, really anything. And yet everything can trigger me. It can happen anytime.

I never really realized how disconnected I was from my body, how much I had separated my head from my body. Until I realized all the small triggers that come forth from something simple as feeling my body.

xoxo
Brianna

PTSD is taking all of my energy

Hi,

So today had to be a normal day.
But even the most normal things are hard for me to do.

Big troubles with anxiety, flashbacks and dissociation today and I feel totally worn out right now. I’m ready to start crying like a baby and scream till someone comes and picks me up and takes me to bed.

PTSD is taking all of my energy. I feel  I can’t afford to slip much further.. I feel drained. Like I’ve been tapped… Someone has taken all of my blood but somehow still expects me to keep on living.
And the fun part is.. I get to sleep now, but sleep + night-time, never really means rest to me. So probably around 7 am (when it’s a little lighter outside) I’ll get some good sleep, till hopefully noon. And then, survive the saturday…

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets… ?

xoxo
Brianna

I seem like a pretty normal girl, on the outside

This blog post is very TRIGGERING due to talk about suicide and self harm

Hi,

People often think it’s weird that I have some issue’s because I seem like such a normal girl. It’s weird that I get angry a lot because I seem so sweet etc.
Looks can be deceiving.

Here’s an accurate example.

Facts Me talking to you in the present

I was in the taxi on my way to therapy. I have been writing about how hard it’s been and just me fighting through the holiday’s, holding on to this date (january second) because it’s the date I can go back to therapy and just see the girls and just be myself again. Vent. Talk. Have some real life support. So I was pretty excited about today. Kind of a ‘TGITD’ feeling (Thank God Its Therapy Day)
So I was in the taxi, and this company that drives me always manages to get me there either really early (like 30/45 minutes) or too late. Well, today was VERY important to me, so I didn’t want to be late. Btw, the drive is about 20 minutes, 25 tops. The taxi got here on time, which means he got 45 minutes to drop me of there. Well, we picked up other people on the way (which happens sometimes, they combine the rides, its cheaper for the company 😉 ) so I got stressed. Damn. I’m gonna be late! I asked the driver ‘Am I gonna be on time? I have to be there at 9.30 am’ he said to me ‘I am not sure’ I started to panick inside. Though my outside was still calm and cool, kinda poker face like, my inside started boiling. I opened my whatsapp and started talking (typing) to my mum.

Of course, we picked up another person  (besides the person we already picked up, so there was me, + another lady and NOW another male was coming in) and it was 9.15 and then I knew… I Wasn’t gonna make it.

It just exploded in me. What the hell, exploded. Why? I freaked out. I held on for SO damn long. Fought through these damn ‘holiday’s’ and for WHAT? just so that I’ll miss the only thing I’ve been looking forward too? Fuck you. I want to die. Wtf? Don’t be silly, you’re just late. I want to kill myself RIGHT NOW. I don’t care that I’m in the cab, and there are 3 other people around me, I want to slit my wrist or put a bullet through my brains RIGHT NOW.

Yeah…. I see it’s stupid. RIGHT NOW. But at that moment (back then) I can’t. At that moment, I am panicking. I don’t see how it can get better. I don’t see how I will get better. I only see 1 way out and that way is suicide. I am scared to death. Unfortunately I know, if I had something with me in my purse, like a razor, I would’ve cut myself, while I was sitting next to the driver. All the normal things go out the window, the only thing that matters is that I have to die, no matter what. I have to be gone, I have to escape.

I seem like a pretty normal girl, on the outside.

2013 in a blog post

Might contain TRIGGERS

Hi,

So, 2013 in a blog post, this is gonna be nice one 😛

Well.. 2013 has been one heck of a year. Well I guess I say that every time, and every year it seems to surprise me what a chaotic life I have, which is weird, because it never has been different yet it keeps surprising me as if I expect different.
Anyway, it started real scary. I just moved to my own place. For the first time, living on my own. It was hard, finally a place of my own, now what? I started falling down hard, after a suicide attempt in february I didn’t really knew what to do with my life and just crawled back into my own fantasy world, which I used to do when I lived at home. I must have spent a few months there.. it was ok. After a while, I was ready to try back out again, and I started making contact with people. Mostly guys, let’s be honest xD. Went through the whole mick-mack with the heart-drama. Somewhere around May (?) I met Abraham, which I never saw coming and he gave me something I never thought I’d ever get, or I ever even wished or dreamed of, because I didn’t even know of its existence. Somewhere around July I started talking to Sander again I think, and Randy came… and went 😛 man oh man, xD what a guy drama.

Mentally… what a rollercoaster. February was a big down for me. While Abraham was in my life I had a huge down (stopped with 2 medication type’s (Anti psychotic and anti depressant) which made all my emotions come back up, down i went, and well, a lot of downs since then. I guess only 1 really big one. So maybe just 3 this year.
But it feels like I’ve wandered around the edge of life numerous times, being tempted to jump and just forget the world. In february I tried, second time, Abraham pulled me away. Third time.. I pulled myself away.. wow.. I just realized that now.

2013 was the year I broke contact with my dad. The year I told my mum, straight to her face, why I have CPTSD. My mum told my sister behind my back (Which was a little disappointing, but ok)
I celebrated Christmas with my best friend.
I met Justy on  Wordpress.
I started my blog here. Felt less alone by reading other people’s blog and their journey’s through life with their struggle’s.
The year I dated like crazy. But to be honest, the year I dates like crazy, but which made me realize, maybe I’m not ugly… because some guys I dated were.. well.. they’re were just plain hot 😛 so it did give me a little boost 😉
I got of to a great start with Polly, I trust her and I know how to be open with her and discuss things with her.
I learned a lot about (c)PTSD and myself and everything that comes with.

I’ve been down on the floor, crying like crazy, screaming my lungs out, but in the end I did get up.
I had stood on my balcony ready to jump off, ready to leave this world, but yet here I am writing this! ok.. this is freaking me out, I could’ve been dead by now.. Damn, glad I’m not actually. Otherwise I never would’ve known about Christmas with Bestie.. and how happy I have felt sometimes. So happy that I felt it was too much, happy-ness overdose.

Anyway, 2013, you have been a………. weird, amazing, depressing, loving, interesting year. Thank you.

xoxo
Brianna

As good as it gets

Hi,

So….. the flu.
Sucks.

So I’ve been inside my house since thursday, and I’m going insane 😉
I think this is as good as it gets. My nose is still running and I’m still coughing like my lungs are trying to get out, but I guess it’s the best for now.

Tomorrow therapy again. The gym-therapy is canceled for tomorrow so I’ll only have therapy till 12.30 pm which is incredibly short. Brandon isn’t there, and IF I want to talk to someone they’ll probably tell me to talk to Betty.. Well how about no? Got a talk scheduled Wednesday with Brandon again so I’ll just wait till Wednesday.

There has been so much going on in my head and the flu on top of that. Now it feels like back to real life.. and real life means back to ptsd, and I don’t want that. To be honest I’m at that point again where I want to deny me having ptsd. I just don’t want to talk let alone think about it. I don’t have ptsd ok.

Got bad news past week as in, I’ll have to pay a lot for Polly next year due to budget cuts and I can’t afford it. So I’m probably gonna lose Polly, and with losing Polly goes my whole ‘back-to-school’ plan… Seriously? They want people to get out of the whole welfare situations, but they make it impossible cause everything that might help gets cut. What the hell!

I just wish I didn’t have this cptsd.
I wish somethings were a little easier

Nights are still horrible though. Got like 2 types of medication from the psychiatrist, 1 of them is addictive so I have to stop with it somewhere next week, but I’m supposed to sleep a lot better. Well… If 3 or 4 am is a lot better… then we’re on the same page. I just thought 1 am might be a lot better -_- anyway, the new medication does help with flashbacks and nightmares so that is comforting… hmm I didn’t even have a flashback this weekend… funny! Didn’t even realise.

Anyway.. still fighting 😉 like I have a choice..

survivor

So hopefully, I’m back and activ on WordPress again!

xoxo
Brianna

Arghh

Hi,

Wrote a whole post about how I’m feeling and then I realized…… it’s stupid, because it’s about how lonely I feel and it’s all I can write about. So I just put it as draft.
I’ll state it here, short but powerful; I’m lonely.

So now that’s off my chest.
I had a little fight with my sister.

She used to call me a stalker and stuff like that, because I could get so caught up in the people I like. I found this thing on the internet about a little description about people like that and stuff, and I send it to her, asked her wat she thought of it.

She was all like ‘I think everyone is obsessive in some way’ BALBLALBALBALBLALLBALBLLALBAL. So, yeah sure, but that’s not the point. It’s a problem when it stands in the way of things. Otherwise everyone has OCD, everyone has PTSD, everyone has BPD, everyone is psychotic! Jeez -_-
She got all ‘know it all’ because she studied a form of psychology.
Then she said ‘with you it’s just insecurity’ ………………….. oh, I’m sorry, I can’t remember you taking some psychologic tests with me. I’m JUST insecure? If that’s the problem, well then there is no problem

THAT STUPID GIRL WAS BLABBING STUFF ABOUT HOW SHE COULDN’T HANDLE HEARING ABOUT MY PAST AND STUFF BECAUSE IT HURT HER SO BAD.

and now she freaking denies everything by saying I’m just insecure.

I can’t remember telling here what goes on in my mind, BECAUSE SHE FREAKING PUTS ME DOWN FOR IT.

Last I told her something about 5 months earlier involving Abraham. And she said ‘Jeez, you’re not contact him are you?’ SORRY TROLL FOR WANTING TO CONTACT SOMEONE WHO HELPED ME. Unlike you 
Who does she think she is??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Bullshit when she said she thinks I’m having such a hard time. Freaking ass kissing.
Every time when I mention a boy’s name (it was someone who was on TV on The voice) she says ‘Who the fuck is that?’ or something like ‘Oh jesus, someone else again?’

Sorry miss PERFECT. I don’t have  FIANCEE who PAYS every damn thing for me. Who accepts my AWFUL personality. BRAINS TO FUCKING STUDY. SIzE DAMN 0 (size zero) WITH THE PERFECT CLOTHES. The ability to straighten that STUPID ASS HAIR. An Iphone, Ipad, Laptop, big ass TV prescription, super fast internet speed, SUPPORT AROUND ME.

I do agree, we should not diagnose everything, or make up a diagnose for everything. Because then nobody would be normal. Some things are just character or personality.

She doesn’t even know it’s the SECOND damn week, I have cried EVERY day, MULTIPLE times about being LONELY. Before that I was cutting the shit out of myself. And my memory doesn’t go far back, but I guess I was feeling very lonely before that (cutting) period as well.

I don’t tell her this stuff, because she’ll just be all ‘sad’ because I’m going through this. So I can’t even tell her, because she can’t handle it. And now I don’t, she thinks she knows me by calling me  ‘just insecure’ SWEETY, I WISH I WAS JUST INSECURE.

I am crying my ass of right now, begging in my head for someone to kill me, begging for mercy in some way. I HATE feeling misunderstood. It is just NOT that simple. Does she think I like sitting at home? Does she think I like being this FUCKING FAT? Does she think I like being this UGLY? Well I don’t.

 

MY HEART IS BROKEN.

Broken by life. Broken by this horrible world we live in.

I feel so damn alone.

By the way, I saw this wordpress blog post (the one that brought this whole thing up);
http://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/2013/11/21/childhood-trauma-and-obsessive-love-disorder/

Then I searched on the internet for it, and found this wikipedia stuff;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive_love
And the wikipedia stuff is what I showed my sister.

Of course I do not think I have this disorder, it’s not even an official disorder. Like I said earlier in my blog, I guess the complex part about Complex PTSD, is that it looks like so much things (borderline, bipolar, ddnos, ptsd, psychosis, depression, anxiety) but it isn’t, because it’s ‘just’ a result of the trauma. And I was just thinking that the obsessive love thing, might be a small result as well. THAT’S ALL.
But they talk about ‘severe emotional injury’.. what is severe? I don’t think I had severe emotional injury, but just emotional injury.

Anyway, it feels like I should have shut my big mouth. What was I thinking trying to open up?

My sister doesn’t even know about the guys I talk to anymore, she always has negative comments on it! She doesn’t even know I went on a date a few weeks back. Because I know she wouldn’t approve. She’d just get annoyed and maybe even angry with me.

Of course I love her.. but this was just a slap in the face. Not just a slap, but a slap from her. Which made everything more painful.

Maybe not even a slap, but a stump, pushing me back into my cave. As if she’s saying ‘what the hell are you doing out here? Go back!’

She doesn’t need to hate me, I can do that all by myself.

Well.. I guess this is rejection? Or not?
I don’t even care.

Just want rest. Let me do a hibernation. I’ll wake up in April or something like that. Maybe, just MAYBE, I’ll feel a little more rested then, and maybe….. maybe… I’ll have a little more strength. And maybe.. the flame of hope will be lit again. I just don’t have any matches or a lighter left.

I really hope I’ll be done crying soon, than I can go to sleep.

Brianna

Losing someone

Hi,

In the ‘long’ cab drives from home – therapy and back I do get a lot of thinking. Staring outside and just have my mind wander off.
A while ago I found this quote;
When you lose someone, you don’t lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time. ~ Simon Birch
And since then it’s been going in and out of my mind, but today it got stuck and I thought about it a lot more. Of course influences like realizing the loneliness, the loss, things happening in the world or just around me make me think as well.

Luckily I haven’t seen much of death. My uncle died when I was about 13 or 14 years.. I don’t really remember much. He was very sick, with cancer. I was very depressed and I know I was a little afraid because he had changed so much  (because of the illness). (I knew him since I was a baby, saw him many times a year) My grandpa died when I was very young (like 1-year-old?) so I don’t remember him.

So a part of me feels like I don’t really have the right to talk about the quote or this stuff, because I haven’t really been through the same, or the worst for that matter.

I’m going to do it anyway, while knowing it’s NOT death, but just estranged.

For instance, my grandmother, whom I love very much. She lives about 2500 km away? So I really don’t get to see her often. And every time I do, I keep wondering ‘was this the last time?’ I try not to think about her leaving the world, not only not being able to say goodbye (money issues) and just knowing when I go to that country, she won’t be there. I had/have a very intense relationship. My grandmother was like my mother for the first 6 years of my life. Took good care of me and gave me a lot of love.
Of course there’s the whole loneliness feeling and of course with that there are a lot of other people’s names attached (well.. a lot isn’t true. a few).

Looking at these kind of people/situations, I do feel I can relate to that quote to some extent. Like when my grandma left Holland, a big part of me felt dead, not being able to go to her room and ask for a hug, just not having her support here 24/7. I do think of it like a big thing (just to paint a picture;), like a puzzle. With maybe 10000 pieces 😉 . When my grandmother left Holland, a lot of pieces got shattered and lost, maybe even 50%. So to me that was huge. But I do realize that over the years, I am still feeling her loss. Her absence. When I do see her.. it’s like she’s already moving away from the world. I don’t know what (and if) I’ll see next time.
So it feels like even though I still had like 50% of the puzzle, over the years and over time, pieces are still breaking/vanishing. And it still hurts. Not like it did, no.. a lot less. But painful enough to have me wonder ‘what the hell is this?’ and have my eye drop a few tears.

Thinking in PTSD terms, I feel like I lost a lot there aswell. I lost my youth, my father, a big piece of my mother… and all those things still hurt. It could be because I am totally in the middle of that right now, accepting.. or trying to accept. Going through these grieving stages, back and forth from denial/anger/hurt (it’s like I’m stuck by the way, especially since I keep going back to the denial part, anyway) so my puzzle is breaking, breaking hard. I’m a little bit afraid I’ll still feel pieces of the puzzle breaking and vanishing 15 years from now. I’m glad it’ll be a lot less painful, but still sad.

It’s like people are irreplaceable. Things like parents or your youth are irreplaceable as well. It isn’t like ‘well I’m 18 now, lost my youth, cried hard about it & now that’s done’.
Of course there are a lot of other great people, I really do NOT deny that. You never know whats around the river bend. But I do know.. it’s not that person. It still hurts.. why does it still hurt?
Will it ever stop hurting?

I do really appreciate the good memories I still have, and I realize I’ll always have them, but do I want to?

When will the last piece go?

I can’t erase, so I’ll take blame
But I can’t accept that we’re estranged

xoxo
Brianna

How can you have PTSD?

“How can you have PTSD?”

Hi,

I hear this a lot. And not just to myself, but to others as well. (It’s not like I’m walking around the street with a sight that say’s ‘PTSD’!)

I get the feeling that the average people don’t understand it.
Someone asked me that and said ‘I only thought people from the army get PTSD’
After a minute of open mouth staring I asked him ‘Why do they get PTSD?’
He said ‘Because the situation in war country’s is traumatic’
I told him ‘A lot of situations in Holland are traumatic as well’

He was quiet but told me I was right.

How the hell can people not realize this?
We are not a perfect country!

I did some research on the internet, and yeah, internet is internet but assuming I found the right statistics, and if it’s the truth it means;

  • In Holland every week a child dies because of child abuse
  • In Holland every year 350000 children are being abused (that are 3 kids out of every class)
  • In wealthy countries (like Holland) 5 – 10 % of the girls get raped during their youth. 1 – 5 % of the boys
  • In Holland every 30 minutes a pupil attempts suicide
  • In Holland are more than 100000 children a witness of domestic violence every year
  • In Holland 1 in every 20 kids, self harms.

source: http://informatie-kindermishandeling.blogspot.nl/2012/01/cijfers-kindermishandeling-hoe-vaak.html

You can’t be serious about asking the question how someone, who does not work in the army, has PTSD.

Holland, it costs our society about 3 billion euro’s every year to carry the costs of (the effects of) child abuse.

source: http://www.trouw.nl/tr/nl/4324/Nieuws/article/detail/1325681/2007/07/10/rsquo-Kindermishandeling-kost-de-samenleving-heel-veel-geld-rsquo.dhtml

This is a mad world..

But I wont give up.

xoxo
Brianna