Disconnected from my body

Hi,

I don’t really know if I have written about this yet but I kind of wanted to sort thing out for myself and maybe help someone else with this.

I do think because of the abuse (of which I still have a lot of trouble going in to or even writing about it in detail) I have disconnected myself from my body. I actually don’t remember any different. I have always had a perfectly trained outside for social activities, as well as when I got forced into therapy. I remember reading back how they were surprised of not seeing any emotion on my face and how my voice was monotone all the time. I could talk about murdering people and keep a straight face, with a monotone voice. Which was shocking to them.
I never really connected with my body, looking back now. I did play sports, the one thing I truly loved (and still do) is field hockey and actually it’s the only sport I can really enjoy.

Other forms of exercise mostly trigger me, especially because I get aware of this body beneath my head.
To me, the ideal situation would be me just having a floating head. Unfortunately that’s not possible.

However not being aware of this body for more than 20 years has led to some stuff. Now when I do get aware of it, by for instance tummy-ache, or the flu, or simple tingle somewhere, it’s a trigger. My head explodes on the inside and everything becomes chaos, trying to push away whatever we’re feeling, because ‘OMG WE JUST FELT A FOOT’. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s very annoying. Of course things like a foot are less likely to trigger than for instant my tummy or a private part.

Whenever someone touches me, it can be an instant trigger as well. To be honest I do shake people’s hands. Which is ok, I don’t really like it, but ok. I do dislike having to kiss people on the cheek while greeting them. (I was raised in a very polite family in which I always had to do as I was told, and had to be the politest girl ever, so if the person wanted 3 kisses, I had to give three kisses.)
Most of the time the touching is ok right now, my mother is still a very tricky one, she can accidentally touch my foot (with her foot) and the whole chaos starts in my head (which triggers me and it can take an hour or sometimes 1,5 for me to calm down, but in the mean time, I have to play pretend with her, while avoiding all the physical interaction).

Right now there are literally 2 people in the world, who’s touch always has felt save. One of them was a girl at therapy (who left last year), we would hold each others hands when things would get rough and just squeeze in it, and I’d know she would tell me with the squeeze ‘I’m here, hold on’.. and I’d do the same with her. No words were needed. I would just reach out my hand.
The other person is Abraham, unfortunately I still see him as a save person and a save place on this earth. Someone who I can crawl into whenever it just gets too scary out here.

I don’t have any control over the tingling sensations in my body, it can be something in my face, on my arm, really anything. And yet everything can trigger me. It can happen anytime.

I never really realized how disconnected I was from my body, how much I had separated my head from my body. Until I realized all the small triggers that come forth from something simple as feeling my body.

xoxo
Brianna

Foggy mind

Hi,

I am going to try to write how the confusion in my head takes place.
I don’t know if this is due to the dissociation/triggers/flashbacks or just stupidity (well, I know it’s not that, but I just thought it’d be funny to say that).

I know a day is just a day, with 24 hours in it.

But honestly, I don’t know if I ever make the 24 hours. My body is there, here, in the present, here on the couch in 2014. But my mind/spirit/head (whatever you want to call it), floats off, leaving my body, staring into the distance, and my mind leaves me, I can not follow where it’s going, it leaves into forgetfulness. Sometimes I wish it would just stay there, because whenever it comes back (which it always does), it comes back hurt. Broken, full of pain, triggered. I find myself depressed, sometimes I start to cry, sometimes flashbacks start coming, sometimes self loathe washes over me, sometimes triggers come out of nowhere (things I that just can’t, like the smell of my father, I just had it 30 minutes ago (had to pause writing this actually), he’s not here, and hasn’t been here). I don’t know where my mind has been.

Sometimes a day, which technically has 24 hours, feels like 2 day’s. Sometimes when my mind comes back, I remember.. or actually notice I have to go to the toilet very urgent. Or I am very hungry. Sometimes my muscles are painful. Most of the times I am exhausted.

I do try to stay in the present by doing things. I really do! My mind is something I can not seem to grab or hold on to, it comes and goes and slips through anything. It takes back terrible things I do not want to remember. It leaves me here sitting on the couch like a dead casket. Lately, when my mind comes back, I realize, I’m freezing cold.

My tummy aches, body memories I guess. Brenda screams, or just cries silently with her security blanket covered over her mouth.

But I do try to stay in the present, by for instance reading stuff, but even reading can be hard. Just reading a simple sentence, just reading the words, and have my head define the words into meaningful things that are understandable. Sometimes I find myself reading 1 simple sentence over and over again. I can try to make a conversation with people, but as you can see (especially face to face this is terrible!) it is very hard. In real life, I am often too ashamed to keep asking ‘what?’

I’ve been in this state since friday. Since that trigger. I’ve been having triggers all over the place. My mind has been floating in and out. I haven’t even showered in 2 weeks (nasty right? I am so terrified to even go into the bathroom).

Ah, just daily life. Staying in the present is hard enough. Trying to live is hard enough. Trying to meet my body’s ‘needs’ (eat/drink/toilet) is hard enough.

xoxo
Brianna

PTSD is taking all of my energy

Hi,

So today had to be a normal day.
But even the most normal things are hard for me to do.

Big troubles with anxiety, flashbacks and dissociation today and I feel totally worn out right now. I’m ready to start crying like a baby and scream till someone comes and picks me up and takes me to bed.

PTSD is taking all of my energy. I feel  I can’t afford to slip much further.. I feel drained. Like I’ve been tapped… Someone has taken all of my blood but somehow still expects me to keep on living.
And the fun part is.. I get to sleep now, but sleep + night-time, never really means rest to me. So probably around 7 am (when it’s a little lighter outside) I’ll get some good sleep, till hopefully noon. And then, survive the saturday…

Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets… ?

xoxo
Brianna

Thinking, thinking…

Hi,

So a lot of thinking and kind of down feeling.

I haven’t really been much on wordpress lately however I do think I am coming back (?), but I don’t want to make any promises or statements..

My life has been different, first I had the flu, had some contact with Abraham again and met some people.. I think overall you could say I have been less lonely. Which I have been so thankful for, because isn’t that what I always wanted? What I’ve been whining for these past few months?! Well yes, it was what I wanted.
It still is… don’t worry 😉 I’m glad with the people, I don’t regret a thing 🙂

I’m just a little disappointed at myself and the situation I guess.

When I’m alone I feel terrible (Lonely, and ptsdy-ish)
When I’m with people I feel less alone, but sometimes a lot more ptsd-ish, and I guess (well I’ve been thinking) is that because I have to hide my ‘true self’? I have to hide Brenda and Peter. I have to smile and be happy. I can not break down. And to be honest and not cocky, my house is a kind of nice place, people seem to like it here and hang out for a LONG time 😛 , like they don’t really want to go home, they like it here, which is good. But after a while, my mind or head starts playing tricks and I start getting restless. Which of course I have to hide. But in the end, it all gets worse. I get stuck in flashbacks and nightmares. Need to selfharm and thoughts of suicide.

Which made me think; are people a trigger for me?

Then again, at therapy it’s different.. but it’s very structured. People are in control (the therapists etc) and it’s limited.

It’s like there is no good option. Well I prefer the people option, but I do realize it’s the flashbacks and the building up of restless and tension in side of me which drives them away eventually.
I just hate that I can’t talk at therapy about this because there simply isn’t any time. The holiday’s are coming up and new years and it’ll be a good 2 or maybe 3 weeks before I can talk to someone. But I can feel me slipping down.

xoxo
Brianna

 

Hangover

Hi,

I feel hung over… and not because I had some alcohol last night. But because I was feeling so good yesterday and high, like I could handle everything.
Right now I’m feeling kinda down. I don’t really know why. I want to sleep all day. Just lie in my bed and put the blankets over my head and sleep it away.

I feel a bit triggered, and I don’t even know what triggered me? I do have these sort of flashbacks, not very clear but they’re here. Things go through my mind, feelings through my body, it’s like I’m not save. Rationally I know I am save, I am at home, Polly was just here and we had a good talk. But I just want to sleep, get away from this world.

I did sleep ok, I fell a sleep very late though, but slept till 11.00, thought about Justy, fell a sleep a little bit more and woke up around 11.45, and Polly was already at the front door. (Woeps)

I don’t know why I am feeling low. I am going to try to find some distraction, there are movies I still want to watch and I’ve been saving them.

It feels like there are hands on my body, touching me, I don’t want them and when I look down at my body I don’t see anything. I just feel it, but I feel it in my head.. it’s weird to explain I guess.

I don’t know what’s the best thing to do right now. I guess I’m going back to bed. I feel a little bit more save there right now (weird huh?, at night I can feel very unsafe there)

xoxo
Brianna

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I wanna believe you

When you tell me that it will be okay, yeah I try to believe you… but I dont.

Hello,

Just got back from therapy. Again a cry day.
Well the day went ok, did dissociate in my talk with Brandon, but I was able to tell him, so he got me some water (which i didn’t drink) and talked about silly stuff. After 30 minutes I was able to stand up again. (feel so stupid when that happens 😦 ) and we ended the talk.The other girls were ready aswell so we just started eating lunch.

After that we had a sort of resilience training. But it focusses a lot on your body of course, so Brenda was already very screamy and stuff so I decided to sit on the bench and watch the others. Which was ok.
Then we closed the day with a sort of talk together (we do that every week) with a nurse and I told her I was very scared for the weekend. Because I always seem to slip down. And then I remembered… tomorrow the gynecologist. So I freaked out, bursted in to tears (IN THE GROUP-_-) and couldn’t stop. So I went to Brandon again. We made a plan, i’m gonna call him at 11 am (the appointment is at 11.30) and then we’ll talk again after. We made notes of what I can say (and am able to say), it’s too difficult for me to use some words that literally describe the abuse (especially in Dutch) so I’ll use the word abuse if she asks, but not the dutch word. I just can’t get that out of my mouth.

Paragraph might be triggering!
I am so afraid, I’m sorry, but I am. I know she is a sweet person. Last time I was there (without the narcosis) she was noticing I was in a lot of pain (well I was crying and stuff) and she stopped saying ‘youre in too much pain, I don’t feel good about pushing further’ so she decided to do it with the narcosis the next time. Now I’m still having problems with the stupid IUD well, my stupid uterus. And Brandon told me it would be good for me if I can ask her to look for any ‘damages’ because of the abuse. I’m really going to die if she finds something. I’m sorry for being such a drama queen. But anyway, to find something she’ll have to open up the whole thing. With that stupid thing she uses to open up the whole fucking thing and omg, I freak out by only thinking of it. I think I’m gonna take my security blanket. My mum will be in the waiting room, but I don’t want her in. I do feel its her fault im there in the first place :$ She could help me talk about what happened.. but I don’t know.. I feel too ashamed. Too gross.
I am not crying right now, but I can feel myself holding back the tears. I’m sorry but Brenda is kinda on the background, but she IS crying and it’s weird but i feel her fear and upset-ness.

I’m going to lie in bed for now. I just dont know what else to do. Gonna eat something just to take away the fear. Focus on the damn chips or something. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I’m sorry this is anything but positive, but I’m so scared now. I’m going to read back my last post about how CPTSD feels for me and especially read the positive things and then just go nap for a while with a movie or something like that.

xoxo
Brianna

It’s a bumpy road sometimes

Hello,

I want to be a positive blog, but then I thought, positivity is about honesty right?
So to be honest; I’m not feeling that well right now. Just since an hour or so.

Its ok, I’m still stable. It’s just that I’m feeling sad. Feel like cutting I wont though, it won’t help. Well maybe now, but not tomorrow. The best thing to do is to go through this in a healthy way.
Back to the honesty thing, I do think it’s okay for me to feel like this right now. It’s not bad, it’s not wrong, it’s understandable and okay. I know I’ll get back on my feet again, maybe even tomorrow, and if not, the day is full of chances to stand back up again. But its important for me now to see my pain, understand the pain, give it the attention it needs, but not to drown in it. I will be fine, I know I will.
It was about honesty right? So yeah, I’m honest, and I think its positive because life is full op ups and downs, and I guess while you’re dealing with (c)ptsd the downs can feel/be a lot deeper, but i/we will get through those as well.

Should I type more? I don’t know.. I feel like it, but I don’t want to go in to deep, might trigger me. Or am I avoiding stuff like that?
I’ll give it a try. I’m not having any images, but I feel a lot. I don’t feel someone touching me, but I feel the effect of someone touching me. What the hell is that? A flashback? I don’t even know if there’s a name for this. In Dutch they have two words; flashback (same as in English) and ‘herbeleving’, google translates it as ‘reliving’. I don’t think its ‘reliving’ because I can see my environment, I am typing this, and it is 2013. But my feelings don’t match. It’s not a flash of feelings, its constant.
Well it doesn’t matter what it’s called, I know it will go over.

I’m already in bed now. Trying to create a save place for myself.
Feel like crying, maybe I should.

It will be okay though, I know it will. Just having a little bump in the road. No worries, I know how to lift my feet the right way. (& even if I didn’t, or you didn’t, its ok, you can stand up and try to move forward again.)

xoxo
Brianna