Two sides

Well hello flu, long time no see

I’m feeling terrible again. Soar throat, coughing, full nose, high temperature, headache. I was sick in March twice, April 0, now May 1. Lets keep it like that.

Anyway, it always has two sides I guess. I had a lovely weekend. Saw the puppy ❤ and had a great sleepover with the girls from my old therapy group. So it actually is the best time to get sick, because being sick right now, means I’ll be better the 24th, and that’s the day I’m going to welcome the puppy home. It’s actually right in between two great things. So I do ‘have the time’ to be sick.

It’s just sucky that it triggers me.

So right now I still am doing everything to keep me balanced. I actually stopped taking the oxazepam, since it’s giving me weird dreams. If I’m having crisis I’m going to take quetiapine (it’s stronger, but ok). I’m sleeping on the couch. Creating everything as save as possible for myself and just giving myself what I need within the possibilities.

For instance, eating popsicle when I want to, carrying my security blanket around me all the time, sleep whenever I feel the need to.


Immunity problems



I remember writing about immunity and trauma and how it might get affected and it got me thinking.

At this exact moment I’m experiencing flu symptoms, AGAIN. I’ve got a terrible headache, my throat is raw, a running nose, and my muscles hurt all over my body.
Well, a little trip down memory lane people! Body reminders, like flu, are triggers. So I am riding the trigger-rollercoaster right now. And just to make it all a little bit more fun, I have to work in 3 hours!

Of course canceling could be an option, I mean, call in sick. But you know, pussy as I am, I’m just too afraid to do that. What if they won’t believe me? I’m still in my ‘trial period’, even though it’s volunteers work, I really like it there! I don’t want to get send away. So I’ll just have to suck it up, and go do what I have to do.

Realizing that, Brenda starts (well, not starts, she was already whining) freaking out.

I tried stuffing some dinner into myself, which didn’t work. It turned out into me crying all over my dinner and calling my mom (who didn’t answer her phone), right now I’m not crying as loud as I was before, just tears streaming down my face silently.

Honestly? I feel helpless.

Please, NOT AGAIN.

It hasn’t even been a month since I have been sick. This will be the second time in 1 month!


Still sick

Just wrote a piece. Feel like shit.
Don’t have any energy to write something in English, so here just a poor translation.

I ‘m really afraid I ‘m a terrible baby now . Ah well.
So I have the flu . No biggie. But I ‘m a real nag . Too sensitive for anything and always wanting to have someone with me . But now even more so. It is the 2nd time I’ve been sick since I live here ( end of december I’ll be here for a year ) Normally I get sick once in every two years . I hate this so much . And I am  very aware of my body being ill and that’s something I am not used to. The awareness of my body makes old feelings (often still in the present ) come back up
Like my ” alarm ” is activated by simply experiencing a body under my ( supposedly) floating head. something happens ! Help ! And that feeling fueled equal to despair and, as if it comes hand in hand , the suicidal feelings/thoughts as well. I hate it , because it started Friday (the flu) and it’s not over yet. I really want to go grab Brandons leg and beg him to help me tomorrow . But what will that do? Nothing.
I need to learn to put things in perspective and realize that it is 2013 and I’m only experiencing the flu, unfortunately it does not feel like just the flu. It feels like so much more .

I feel so incredibly bad and that really sucks. I can not do this. I can not feel it. I can not stand it. HELP ME
Rationally , I know that’s old feelings and thoughts talking. But emotionally I’m stuck. In And my rational side does not seem to know how to get on one page with my emotional side.

I can just hear Betty asking the eternal question (she always does ) how come you get so stuck? Why can’t you get yourself out of that feeling. WELL I DONT KNOW

With Brandon , I get the feeling that he just remains calm as always and says that iit’ll be ok in the end, it’s the trauma etc.

I would just like to see Brandon real bad …. beg him and I hate that I’m thinking like that , and also for writing it down .. but it’s true .
It really is surviving. Not tolerate, enduring and definitely not living .
And I hate it a lot , LIKE COME ON
Tired . So tired .
Let me rest .
Often, people think I’m a drama queen , and I understand that very well . I just don’t like being a dramaqueen… when i feel like this I’m really able to yell and scream it all out. ( I guess that’s the Brenda part? )
And afterwards the big shame because of it. Because I really do realize that it is just ‘ exaggerating ‘, my reaction. But at that moment it’s what I truly feel to be honest. Screaming for help, because I feel I can’t handle this. Begging for someone to hear me and help me ( like now , even though I can seem to put it down all neat )

Maybe it helps writing about it? Who knows .




So I think I’m getting sick.

My throat is very painful, I keep on coughing (which is also painful) and I keep getting very hot and cold. My head feels all warm and foggy.

No this is NOT good 😦
Not only am I such a nag when I’m sick, I am alone. Lol, I’m gonna whine about it for like 1 sentence ok? I hate living alone and having the flu. Like last time (in May) I got all freaked out at night because I had such a high fever, and the whole world was weird, it was só scary.
Ok, so I’m very whiny when I’m sick (like even more than normal 😉 )I cant even eat anything I like. I don’t even like anything!

Besides! I have been sick in May, and normally I get sick like once every 2 years. So whats up with this? It’s not the time to be or get sick. I have a date with my bestie tomorrow.

This is just so annoying, it’s not like a painful arm or leg. No, its INSIDE my body. I hate this. Can’t stand it.

Please… I really hope this all blows over tomorrow, but that’s probably just wishfull-thinking.

I’m getting really freaked out about this, with the vivid memory of May and how extremely horrible and panicky I felt

Feel like screaming. Someone please hold my hand during this! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH